Where We Go From Here

by Lucas Rocha

  “We’re not doing anything.” Henrique’s voice is little more than a whisper. His eyes are still closed and his face seems a little more relaxed. “Leave it alone.”

  “Leave it alone? My dear, I’m a Scorpio rising and an Aries moon. I’ll never just drop something like this!” Eric retorts, getting up from the armchair and collecting the glasses of tea.

  “Do you think suing him will do any good?” Henrique seems skeptical. “All it’s going to be is an even harder emotional strain, and he’ll probably disappear from the face of the earth again. That’s his specialty.”

  “All right, you don’t want to sue the jerk, you have the right. Just like I have the right to bring him down, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

  It’s impossible not to smile at Eric’s exaggerations; he sounds excited and funny even in crappy situations like this one. I think he knows how much power he has, because the mood lightens immediately. Eric starts picking up around the house, and I follow him with my eyes while Henrique continues to rest from his rough day, eyes still closed.

  “Here’s the deal,” Eric begins, slapping Henrique’s leg and making him open his eyes. “You know where this boy lives, don’t you?”

  “If he’s back at his parents’, of course I know,” Henrique says. “Why?”

  Eric sits on the floor, legs crossed, and he starts telling us what we’re going to do. He’s succinct and direct, but I get a sense of how amazing this could be. Or horribly stupid.

  “No,” Henrique says. “No, no, no, no, Eric, no way. You’re not getting your friends involved in my problems. I don’t want to have to deal with it anymore.”

  “But it’s a great idea!” I chime in to support Eric.

  I know I shouldn’t meddle, but I can’t help thinking of what I’d do if something like this happened to me. I can’t stand to see someone like Carlos get away with it.

  “We can’t let the assholes of the world walk around as if there are no consequences, Henrique. And the girls would be happy to help, you know that,” Eric says. When he notices Henrique is still shaking his head, he adds, “This is not up for discussion, my darling. You”—he points at the three of us—“have two options: You can either help or stay home. Either way, it will get done. All I need is his address.”

  “What if I say no?” Henrique asks.

  “Are you really planning on saying no to a Scorpio rising with an Aries moon, my love?”

  That’s a real threat. Henrique lets out a brief laugh, which is a good sign. “Of course not. When are we doing it?”

  We spend the next half hour going over the details of Eric’s plan—Operation Rainbow, as he calls it—and Henrique’s sadness is slowly replaced with excitement. We decide to put it into action this evening.

  “Revenge is actually a dish best served hot!” says Eric, excited. He starts calling all the drag queens, making them cancel their party plans and telling them to get themselves ready at his place in about three hours.

  I really want to stay with them, but I check the clock and see it’s almost six p.m. I need to pick up Vanessa at the school where she’s taking her college entrance exam. I tell them I’ll just take her home and be back as soon as possible, because I’d never miss this evening’s big event.

  Victor, Eric, and Henrique continue to go over Operation Rainbow as I get ready to leave. I notice there’s still something up in the air between Victor and Henrique. Eric, probably the most sensitive person in this apartment, has noticed it, too, and asks me to wait a moment while he gets changed. When Henrique shoots him a questioning look, Eric says he needs to buy all the ingredients necessary to, in his words, “create a rainbow” and declines Victor’s and Henrique’s offers to help, saying that the two of them should stay home and wait. He adds that Victor shouldn’t leave because the more people who help, the better, and Eric even makes Victor call his best friend so she can come right away.

  When Eric and I walk out of the apartment, I notice the conspiratorial smile on his face.

  “You think they’ll make up?” I ask as we go down the stairs and start saying goodbye.

  “I’m sure they will,” he says as he hugs me at the entrance. “If you’re not back here by eight o’clock, I swear I’ll do to you the same thing I’m about to do to Carlos.”

  “My dear, you’re gonna need a Virgo to give some order to all this chaos you’re about to create,” I answer, smiling, and Eric raises an eyebrow. “What? Did you think you were the only one into astrology?”

  “That’s why I love Virgos. See you later!”

  +

  When I arrive to pick up Vanessa, she’s already waiting for me outside, sitting on a low wall next to other students who are talking or waiting to go home. She looks tired, dangling her feet, her hands propped on either side of her body as she listens to something (probably classical music) on her headphones.

  I wave as soon as I walk into her field of vision, and she offers a strained smile, removing her earbuds and giving me a tight hug that catches me by surprise, but I don’t complain.

  “So, what’s up?” I ask. “How did the test go?”

  “Who knows,” she says in that nonchalant teenage way of talking about an important situation. “I just want to rest before tomorrow’s exam session.”

  “Have you eaten anything?”

  She shakes her head.

  “Let’s go eat, then.”

  We walk to a crowded diner, and I order two sandwiches. I see that Vanessa still has my backpack, since hers got ripped. There’s a folded piece of paper in her hands, and she fiddles with it, passing it from her left hand to her right, and I notice her worried expression. At first, I think it’s the result of today’s exam, but when she hands it to me, I raise an eyebrow.

  “I found this in your backpack, Ian. I’m sorry, I wish I hadn’t seen it.” She says it too quickly, without looking at me, staring at her feet. I see that her leg shakes up and down anxiously.

  When I unfold the paper, the ends already crumpled and creased, I feel the world spin out of control.

  It’s my HIV quick test result.

  I fold it again and put it in my pocket. Vanessa’s eyes are filled with tears.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbles, still not knowing what to do, what to say, how to react. “I shouldn’t have opened it and intruded in your stuff.”

  She doesn’t resent that I didn’t tell her about it, and she’s not looking at me differently. She’s just concerned that she intruded in my stuff.

  I reach across the table and take her hand. At first she pulls back, but I hold tight.

  “Look at me, Vanessa,” I say, and her eyes meet mine. I’m not worried about how many people there are in the diner, the hum of them walking by, or the staff at the counter screaming out order numbers for sandwiches. All I care about right now is my little sister and what is going through her head about these results. “Everything is okay.”

  She bites her lower lip, but I reach out with my other hand, now holding both of hers, confirming the words I just said.

  Everything is okay.

  Everything is okay.

  Everything is okay.

  “Everything is okay. For real,” I repeat, holding her hands tighter and trying to make her feel comfortable.

  “Do Mom and Dad know?”

  “No. I don’t know if I want them to,” I say, and she nods.

  “Have you told anyone?”

  “Only Gabriel. And two other friends you don’t know.”

  “And what did they say?”

  “That I’d be an idiot if I thought for even one second that things between them and me would change for that reason.” I let go of her hands when I hear someone shout our order number. I walk to the counter and pick up the tray with our sandwiches. “Are you mad at me?” I ask when I get back.

  “Me? Why?”

  “Because I didn’t tell you anything.”

  “I’m happy that I know, because now I can tell you I’m here for wh
atever you need,” she says in her natural voice, then grabs a fry and nibbles at it. “And no, I’m not mad at you.”

  I look away for a few seconds before answering. “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, Ian.” She cleans her greasy hands to hold mine, which were interlaced on the table. “I just want to say that I’m here for you, okay?”

  “Damn,” I mumble.

  “What?”

  “Those two have really raised a fantastic girl.” I smile. “You’ll be the best doctor this country has ever seen.”

  “If I get in.”

  “You will,” I say with conviction. I’m not trying to give her false hope or trying to reward her for the way she’s handling this new piece of information. I just happen to feel from the bottom of my heart that this is the inescapable truth.

  “Ian?” I look up when I hear someone calling my name.

  It’s the boy I met at the mall, who gave me his phone number. His hazel eyes seem tired, but his smile widens when he recognizes me, and the eyes get scrunched into two thin lines on his face. His teeth are a little crooked and yellow but so very cute. What’s his name again?

  “Gustavo!” I say, suddenly remembering it. My hands are shiny from the burger grease, so I hand him my arm to shake. “Did you take your test here, too?”

  “Hey, you were in my classroom, weren’t you?” Vanessa asks, looking at him.

  “Two thirteen? Wait a second, you’re the girl who borrowed my extra pen, right?”

  “What?” I ask, my eyes wide. “Vanessa, you didn’t bring extra pens?”

  “I, actually, I … kinda forgot to bring my pencil case, what with changing backpacks and everything, so I didn’t have a single pen,” she answers, embarrassed. Then she looks at Gustavo and, narrowing her eyes, adds, “And Ian didn’t have to know about this!”

  “Oh, God, I’m so sorry! Is he your boyfriend?”

  “Ew!” Vanessa gasps, and Gustavo laughs. He obviously knows we’re not together. “He’s my brother, you perv!”

  “He’s teasing you, Vanessa,” I say, holding back my smile. When did my life become this roller coaster of serious conversations followed by smiles and random people, one after the other? “We met yesterday.”

  “And he hasn’t texted me at all, can you believe it?” he asks Vanessa, crossing his arms. “I’m seriously offended.”

  “I was … busy,” I answer, and Vanessa laughs at the situation, finally understanding what’s going on.

  “I bet you tell everyone that,” says Gustavo, sounding dramatic and funny at the same time.

  “Busy with Netflix, my friend,” Vanessa says, then takes another bite of her sandwich.

  This time, Gustavo can’t hold back a chuckle. “Okay, that’s a losing battle for me.” He shrugs. “Well, I need to go home because I’m starving and sleepy, and this line keeps getting longer. It was a pleasure to see you again, Ian.”

  “I’ll text you!” I say when he starts walking away.

  “Promises, promises,” he says as he leaves.

  “Whoa, what was that?” Vanessa asks when Gustavo is out of view. “Why didn’t you tell me about him?”

  “Because I have no idea what just happened,” I answer, astonished.

  WHEN ERIC AND IAN LEAVE the apartment, silence fills every corner of the living room.

  My hand is still on Henrique’s head, and his eyes are still closed as he lets me stroke his hair. I feel my heart hammer against my chest, and I’m sure he can hear it under my shirt. The heat emanating from his body makes sweat run down my forehead, but I don’t dare move to wipe it off, and I feel two drops trickle down my temple, make their way down my face, and drip onto my shoulder.

  The silence between us is peaceful. It’s one of those times when you don’t want to say anything for fear of ruining a magical moment, but I still feel as if I should say something. My mom likes to say that whenever silence takes over a room, it’s because an angel is passing by and drawing all the attention. I’ll have to be the one to send the angel packing.

  “I have to apologize,” I say in a murmur, taking my hand off Henrique’s hair and wiping the sweat from my forehead.

  I take a deep breath, feeling my heart beat out of control. He opens his eyes.

  And that’s it. The sound of reality finally seeps into this nice moment between us, my words destroying the peace created by the angel that just flew out the window.

  Henrique shuffles his body forward and then turns to face me, his back propped against the pillows around the left arm of the couch. I look at him, and we watch each other like two human beings who’ve just discovered they’re not alone in the world, delighted by each other’s existence.

  “I’m not sure how to make you believe me, Henrique, but this is the truth: I am so sorry. I’m sorry for everything I said and for the words I used, because I know they were cruel and false.” I can feel my eyes tearing up, my nostrils dilating, and my palms getting even sweatier. “My God, I like you so much, and I really wish that what we have can last! And I know I threw it all away when I said those things, but now I realize how unfair they were. I can’t imagine what you must be thinking with all of this, but I want you to know that I am here for whatever you need. Even if we don’t work out and nothing else ever happens between the two of us, I need you to know that I don’t want to disappear from your life—that I want to help you whenever I can, because you’re way too good to face this awful world alone.”

  I look away, then stare at the floor, because I don’t know what else to say and I’m already starting to repeat myself, and my head is beginning to spin.

  Then I feel the cold tips of his fingers on my chin when he lifts my face to make me look him in the eye.

  “I need to apologize, too. I was too headstrong,” he says, and my body seems to relax immediately. I wipe the tears on my face and smile, feeling a mix of joy and relief. “I also said cruel things and retreated into my shell, because that’s how I deal with life. Maybe I have this idea that things should always be under my control, but that’s not how it works. We’re the sum of different feelings in this world full of prejudice and bad people. And I know I was a jerk when I thought you’d be nothing but another disappointment, because maybe I already wanted to be disappointed and just needed an excuse to say that I was much better than all the other people in this world. But you made me see that there’s also beauty in all the chaos, Victor, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful.”

  His eyes travel all over my face, looking at the blue streak in my hair,

  and my eyebrows,

  and the scars from my pimples,

  and the few beard hairs on my cheeks,

  and my eyes,

  and my nose,

  and my lips.

  I smile and he smiles, and I see his face coming closer, and I feel the warmth of his body become more intense with every second, like a star that just exploded and has found its rightful place in the universe.

  When our lips touch, it’s not a fierce kiss, but the type of kiss that seems to seal a deal. And yet, my heartbeat is out of step, my body is electrified, and the hair on the back of my neck is up.

  His head moves away after a few seconds and he hugs me, and this time I’m the one burying my face in his shoulder. Now he’s the one protecting me.

  “You are so important to me,” I mutter, my mouth muffled by the fabric of his T-shirt. “Thank you for being in my life.”

  “You are the most fascinating person I’ve ever met,” he answers, letting go of me and grinning. “Thank you for being in my life.”

  Now he’s the one smiling, and I’m the one aiming for his lips. And this time it’s a passionate kiss, as if his lips were my source of oxygen.

  He lies on the couch, and before I know it I’m already on top of him, kissing him with a carnal desire, a long movie kiss, wanting to take all the good things he has to offer and to repay him with everything I can give. We connect with each other through our lips, our int
erlaced fingers, the heat of our bodies, and the coordinated rhythm of our breaths, cutting the silence of a thousand angels passing through the room.

  “Do you have a condom?” I whisper in his ear.

  Henrique stands up from the couch and takes my hand. “I do,” he says, and leads me to his room.

  The rest is pure symphony.

  +

  Sandra arrives before Eric or Ian, and she isn’t sure how to react when she finds the two of us alone in the apartment, our hair wet from the shower, my white cheeks rosy from the heat. I had called her as soon as we decided Carlos couldn’t get away with this without any consequences.

  “You sorted things out?” she asks, looking from me to Henrique. “You sorted things out!”

  Then she hugs us, and Henrique seems a little awkward, but there’s nothing he can do about it. She covers us in kisses and only then seems to remember there’s a reason she’s here.

  “My God, I’m so insensitive! Is everything all right with you, Henrique?”

  “Now it is,” he answers, smiling.

  “That’s kind of the reason we called you,” I add, and Sandra raises an eyebrow. “The more help, the better.”

  Then I tell her more or less what we are planning on doing later.

  “You’re evil geniuses. I love it,” Sandra says.

  “It’s all Eric’s fault. It was his idea,” I tell her.

  “Are we really going to do it?” Henrique asks. He still seems uncertain about the whole thing, and even though I get it, I don’t let him back away.

  “Tonight,” I answer. As fate would have it, the front door flies open as Eric and three more boys loaded with clothes, makeup, and a string of playful insults enter the apartment like a hurricane.

  Everyone hugs and kisses us, offering Henrique solidarity, asking if everything is fine with him, how he’s dealing with the whole situation, and if he needs anything. From what Henrique told me, none of Eric’s friends knew about his status, but none of them seem to treat him differently or mind it at all.

  The dining room table is soon covered in clothes, and the sound of everyone changing into their drag personas takes over the room. Sandra watches in astonishment as the boys put glue on their eyebrows and start applying their makeup with professional mastery, and she works up the courage to ask one of them to do her makeup for tonight. They all start fighting over who’s going to do her makeup, and Sandra feels like the most important person in the room.