The Guilt Trip

by Sandie Jones

  ‘I can’t think of anything,’ says Ali. ‘Oh, apart from that sardine paste that they do out here. If you see any of that, grab some and we can have it on toast – it’s insane.’

  ‘No worries,’ says Will, laughing. ‘Give us a call if you think of anything else.’

  ‘Will do,’ says Ali as she disappears down the steps from the patio into her and Will’s room below.

  ‘Where’s Ali?’ Paige asks, as the four of them climb up into the minibus Will has rented.

  ‘She’s got some jobs to do,’ says Rachel. ‘Says we need to get some sardine paste if we see any.’

  Will laughs. ‘I remember her loving that stuff the last time we were here.’

  ‘I didn’t realize we had the option of staying here and putting an order in,’ says Paige quietly.

  Rachel smiles at Will in the rear-view mirror. ‘So, what time are your mum and dad coming in?’

  ‘Around three,’ he says. ‘They’re all on the same flight – about thirty of them.’

  ‘Have your parents met Ali’s parents before?’ asks Noah from the front seat.

  ‘Yeah, once or twice,’ Will says, laughing. ‘But I’m sure a few bevvies on the plane will get them better acquainted.’

  ‘By the time dinner comes around, they’ll be ten sheets to the wind,’ says Noah, laughing. ‘It’ll be a fitting end to your last night as a single man.’

  ‘I wouldn’t want it any other way,’ says Will, veering off the dual carriageway.

  ‘So, how are you feeling about tomorrow?’ Rachel asks as they pull up outside a surprisingly large supermarket. ‘Nervous?’

  ‘I’m actually all right,’ says Will. ‘I’m a hundred per cent sure I’m doing the right thing, so I guess that helps.’

  ‘There’s not a tiny part of you that’s questioning it?’ asks Paige.

  Rachel and Noah both look at her, as if silently asking why she would need to say that.

  ‘What?’ she retorts. ‘It’s only natural to feel a smidgen of doubt. I certainly did when I married you.’ She looks to Noah who seems momentarily perplexed by his wife’s admission.

  ‘And there’s me thinking we were one another’s true loves,’ he says, as he slams the door of the van a little harder than necessary.

  ‘I only had doubts because I wasn’t sure it was what you wanted,’ says Paige as they all walk across the car park towards the shop’s entrance.

  Rachel can’t help but feel that this is an odd place for a married couple to be having a conversation like this.

  ‘Why would you have thought that?’ asks Noah, as Rachel attempts to quicken her pace to join Will, who is just a few steps ahead.

  ‘Because I wasn’t entirely sure that it was me you wanted to be with.’

  Rachel’s heart feels like it’s stopped and if she couldn’t see her feet still moving, she’d be sure she was rooted to the tarmac of the car park.

  Noah laughs nervously. ‘I don’t know why you’d think that.’

  ‘Because I really wasn’t sure what had gone on between you two,’ she says.

  Rachel can feel Paige’s eyes burning into her and she’s glad her back’s to them.

  ‘It seems preposterous now,’ Paige goes on. ‘And I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but you two had such a history together that I couldn’t quite believe that it was purely platonic.’

  Rachel can feel her mouth drying up as she walks faster, overtaking Will at the automatically opening door.

  ‘I mean, it’s entirely possible,’ Paige goes on, laughing. ‘I can see that now, but eighteen years ago, I didn’t know you very well, Rachel, and I was immature and perhaps a little insecure.’

  Rachel turns to face her as the men busy themselves with the very serious business of selecting the right tomatoes.

  ‘Noah and I have only ever been friends,’ she says.

  ‘Yes, I know that now, silly,’ says Paige, bumping Rachel with her shoulder to lighten the mood. ‘But, back then, you can’t blame me for thinking something more had gone on. You were like two peas in a pod, finishing each other’s sentences and sharing the same interests. It was pretty intimidating to come into as an outsider.’

  ‘But I told you from the beginning that we were like brother and sister,’ says Noah, his eyes focused on tying the bag of tomatoes.

  ‘Yes, but even still, you were a man and a woman who were so closely in tune with one another that it was impossible – at least in my mind – that something more wasn’t going on – or hadn’t in the past. It just goes against nature that two people of the opposite sex can be that close without ever taking it one step further.’

  Rachel forces a smile, but try as she might, she can’t stop the memory of Noah’s face coming towards her; his lips parting hers as they kiss. She can feel his touch setting her skin ablaze as his fingers trail lightly down her spine.

  ‘Rachel?’ says Paige, calling her back.

  ‘Sorry,’ says Rachel, shaking herself down.

  ‘You looked miles away,’ says Paige, laughing. ‘I was just asking if we should get some avocados?’

  She can feel Noah’s eyes burning into her, but she refuses to look at him for fear that it will give something away.

  ‘Erm, yes . . .’ she says, when she eventually manages to shrug off the uncomfortable sensation that her best friend’s husband is able to evoke in her.

  Paige laughs to herself as she feels the firmness of an avocado. ‘I remember thinking I had to pass the Rachel test.’

  ‘Which was?’ asks Rachel, unable to believe that, after all these years, they’re having this conversation in a supermarket.

  ‘To make sure you liked me even more than Noah did,’ says Paige.

  Rachel smiles, but she’s not sure how successful that test was, given that on meeting, the first thing she’d said to Noah when Paige went to the toilet was, ‘She looks like she’s got a broom stuck up her arse.’

  ‘Now, now,’ Noah had said, half-smiling. ‘I’ve always been nice to Jack, so I expect you to show the same courtesy to her.’

  ‘Do you really think it’s serious then?’ Rachel had asked.

  ‘Well, I wouldn’t have asked you here if I didn’t,’ he’d said.

  It wasn’t as if she’d been invited to join them, exactly. It had been made to look like Rachel had just happened to be in the same place they were, so she could check Paige out.

  ‘So, why did you ask me if you don’t want my honest opinion?’

  ‘I do want your opinion – it matters to me what you think – but don’t be mean just for the sake of it.’ He’d looked at her like a stern schoolteacher.

  ‘I don’t want her to change anything between us,’ she’d said sulkily.

  ‘Don’t you think you having a baby, and getting married, has done that already?’

  ‘I can already tell that she doesn’t like me. What have you told her?’

  Noah had shifted his stance at the bar.

  ‘Have you told her the truth?’ she pressed.

  ‘Have you told Jack the truth?’ he snapped back.

  ‘Christ, the toilet’s a long way away,’ said Paige, bursting the invisible balloon that Noah and Rachel had momentarily put themselves in.

  ‘Well, it’s been lovely to meet you,’ Rachel had said, suddenly feeling the need to get out of there. ‘But I really need to get home to my baby.’

  ‘Oh, you have a child?’ Paige asked.

  Rachel could literally see the relief in her eyes. As if being a mother meant that she wasn’t a threat to her and Noah’s burgeoning relationship.

  ‘Yes,’ said Rachel, acknowledging that she was probably right. Having a child had changed everything, and she’d never do anything to jeopardize Josh’s welfare or wellbeing. She’d learnt the hard way how it felt to be the product of a broken marriage and she would never allow him to feel that despair, that guilt, that maybe he’d done something to make his mummy and daddy stop loving each other. That weight of responsibility sat like a l
ump in her throat.

  ‘He’s ten months old,’ she’d managed.

  ‘Ah, sweet,’ Paige had said, leaning into Noah protectively.

  Rachel had avoided Noah’s calls for a while after that, having made the decision that they should both get on with their new lives. He’d met someone, who, on first impression, wasn’t ever going to be Rachel’s cup of tea. And she was happy with Jack, who, understandably, was none too keen on her continuing to see Noah, despite her protestations that nothing had ever happened between them. Plus, they had little Josh to look after, and he took up more time than she’d ever dreamt possible, so it was only right that she devoted every minute of her day to him. But as one week without Noah turned into three months, she’d decided that she’d rather have him in it with Paige, than not at all.

  So, she’d set out on a mission to get on with Paige, because without her backing, she had little to no chance of her friendship with Noah continuing. And in the end, it hadn’t been too much of a stretch. Yes, Paige was opinionated and hard-nosed, but once you cracked her shell, she could be funny and a great advocate for good. The leap from best friend’s girlfriend to best friends, period, was relatively seamless.

  But she’d had no idea that Paige had felt she was being put through the wringer.

  ‘I’m sorry that I made you feel that way,’ she says now.

  ‘It’s no biggie,’ says Paige, smiling. ‘It was a long time ago and look what came of it. We’d never be here if you and Noah hadn’t made as much effort to stay friends.’

  Rachel looks fleetingly at Noah, but he turns and makes off down the fruit aisle.

  By the time they get back to the villa, the midday sun has burnt away all the wispy clouds that hung over the hillside that morning.

  ‘It’s nice enough to go for a swim in the pool,’ says Paige as they take a couple of shopping bags each from the back of the minivan.

  ‘There’s a door over there that leads straight up to the kitchen,’ says Will, nodding towards the corner of the carport under the house.

  ‘I’ll go round the side,’ says Rachel. ‘I want to check the temperature of the pool before I get my swimming costume on.’

  ‘You wimp!’ Noah laughs. ‘I remember a time when you’d dive straight in, regardless.’

  She looks at him ruefully. She had been that person once, thinking nothing of jostling her way to the front of the queue for the three-hundred-foot bungee jump in Cyprus, fearlessly waving to Noah, who lost his stomach on the teacup ride at Disney.

  But it wasn’t just in the literal sense that she’d once been so daring. She’d stood tall and proud as the president of her university’s debating society, always passionate about bringing the topics that mattered to the fore, despite how unpopular it may have made her.

  But somewhere along the way, she’d lost that chutzpah; that need to be the best version of herself. She guessed it was around the same time that she gave birth to Josh, and needed to be the best version of a mother.

  When she thinks how quickly having a baby followed graduation, she realizes she barely had any time to fit anything in between. All thoughts of a teaching career had had to be shelved as she cared for Josh and then, once he was older, she found she didn’t quite have the enthusiasm for it anymore. Probably because ten years of looking after her own child had robbed her of the patience she needed to look after anyone else’s. Though, now, as time’s passed, she wonders if it wasn’t more to do with lack of confidence than anything else.

  The education system had changed so much that her skills no longer felt relevant, and the thought of going back to re-learn everything she needed, to be able to give her pupils a fighting chance, seemed too arduous. But, if the truth be told, there was nothing an English Literature degree and wanting to give children the best start in life couldn’t have overcome. She’d just needed to want to overcome it.

  But instead, she’d retreated further into her close-knit group of friends, each of them seemingly content to immerse themselves in their children’s lives, to the detriment of all else. Rachel doesn’t doubt that, like her, they were all someone else in another lifetime, yet despite yearning for the person they’d lost, they were happily using their offspring as an excuse not to find themselves again.

  She wonders if that isn’t why she enjoys spending time with Paige; the voyeur in her intrigued by a life whereby you can have it all, if only you’re brave enough. She’d had Chloe at twenty-five and was back practising law by her twenty-sixth birthday. She’d had a baby that had fitted around her life, whereas Rachel had a life that fitted around Josh.

  ‘Don’t you want more?’ Paige had once asked her, as Josh had moved from infant to primary school. ‘You’ve got all this time on your hands. You could do anything you want to do.’

  ‘I’ve got the house to look after,’ Rachel had said, defensively. ‘And Jack.’

  Paige had looked at her admonishingly. ‘I’m sure Jack’s old enough to look after himself,’ she’d said.

  She’d been right, of course, and Rachel had been sure that Jack wouldn’t have had a problem with her doing whatever it was she wanted to do, but it was easier to think that he might. ‘Why would I want anything more, when I can live my life vicariously through you?’ she’d said, laughing. ‘You fight for a murderer’s freedom, wearing Louboutin shoes, with a child on your hip, while getting a takeout from the Ivy. I could never lead a life as exciting.’

  ‘Alleged murderer,’ Paige said dourly.

  Rachel had held her hands up. ‘Apologies, Your Honour, I stand corrected.’

  Paige smiled. ‘Seriously though, there must be something you want to do.’

  Rachel thought of telling her about her desire to teach at an under-privileged, under-funded school in inner London, believing that she could make all the difference. But she was afraid that she’d be laughed at for setting her aspirations too low.

  ‘Noah says you were quite a force of nature when you were younger,’ Paige went on. ‘Before meeting Jack and having Josh.’

  Had he? Had he and Paige sat and discussed what she used to be like? Had he divulged the dreams she’d once had and how instrumental his part in them had been? The thought that Noah had shared the fantasy life they naively believed they would lead, had made Rachel’s cheeks burn with embarrassment and betrayal.

  ‘We all think we can rule the world when we’re young,’ Rachel had said ruefully.

  Yet, fast-forward twenty years, and she’s now worrying whether a heated pool will be too cold to lower herself into in her one-piece swimsuit. Even the shift from bikini to swimsuit has passed her by unnoticed. What has happened to her?

  Suddenly determined to go in, regardless of the temperature, she walks up to the villa’s patio doors and slides them across with a renewed vigour. In that moment, a flash of orange silently crosses the mezzanine landing that connects her and Jack’s bedroom with Paige and Noah’s. It looked like a person, but she only caught it out of the corner of her eye and it came and went so quickly that it could have been a trick of light; the sun’s rays are bouncing off all the reflective surfaces, dazzling her and making her feel as if she’s inside a turning kaleidoscope.

  ‘Has anyone seen Jack?’ she asks, as she goes into the kitchen to find Will, Noah and Paige working together to unpack the shopping and load the fridge.

  ‘Not yet,’ says Paige, examining the label of a rosé wine. ‘No sign of Ali either.’

  ‘You know the workers from the shirkers,’ says Noah, laughing.

  ‘So, are you ready to hit the waves?’ Will asks Noah.

  ‘I can’t wait,’ says Noah. ‘Though, I have to admit, as we were coming along the coast road just now, I was looking out there and my stomach somersaulted.’

  Will smiles. ‘Yeah, the waves are still looking pretty racy, but we’ll stay out of the impact zone.’

  ‘You will look after him, won’t you?’ says Paige. ‘I don’t want any broken bones.’

  ‘He’ll be okay,’ says Wi
ll. ‘It’s Jack I’m worried about. He thinks he’s a dude but he’s actually a bit of a kook.’

  Noah looks at him quizzically, and Will laughs.

  ‘Meaning he thinks he’s a decent surfer, but he’s actually crap, which makes him more of a liability.’

  ‘That sounds like Jack,’ says Paige.

  They’re all chattering away, but all Rachel can hear is an incessant babble. She’s still standing there, in the middle of the kitchen, with a shopping bag in either hand, trying to sharpen her focus on the moving shapes in front of her.

  Without saying another word, Rachel puts the shopping bags on the kitchen worktop and walks along the corridor towards the stairs, taking them two at a time. Jack won’t be in their room, she tells herself – he’ll be outside by the pool. She must have missed him on her way in and he must have had his eyes closed and not seen her. Her chest feels heavy as she crosses the mezzanine and pushes open their door. Please don’t be in here, she says to herself.

  The bed is unmade, the sheets tangled, and their pillows still show the indentations of their heads. She lets out a relieved sigh. What the hell was she thinking? How had she allowed a fleeting image, one that she can’t even be sure she saw, to infiltrate her mind and bring about insecurities she never even knew she had? And, even if what she thought she saw had been real, it didn’t have to mean anything, because Jack wasn’t even there.

  She laughs at herself as she falls onto the bed, unable to believe that she’d put two and two together and come up with five.

  ‘Hi honey,’ says Jack, as he comes out of the en suite wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. Rachel forces herself not to let her mind wander back down that road.

  ‘You okay?’ he asks, though he doesn’t even wait for an answer before saying, ‘How did the shopping go?’

  Rachel pulls herself up. ‘Fine,’ she says tightly, though she doesn’t know why. ‘Absolutely fine. How have things been here?’

  He rubs his brown hair with a towel. ‘I haven’t left this room,’ he says, without answering the question.

  ‘So, you haven’t seen Ali?’ she asks, rephrasing the question so that there’s absolutely no room for error. ‘She hasn’t been irritating you?’