The Guilt Trip

by Sandie Jones

  Rachel can’t help a sob escaping from her throat as she watches helplessly as a group huddle around Will and push him clear of the wave.

  ‘Is it Jack?’ cries Paige.

  Adrenaline floods Rachel’s body as a sense of urgency descends onto the beach.

  ‘Alguem precisa tirá-lo de lá,’ someone shouts. ‘Chama uma ambulância!’ yells another.

  The more Rachel tries to focus on who the lifeless body draped across Will’s surfboard is, the more she realizes that she can’t breathe. She imagines a life without Jack and the air rushes from her body. If it’s Noah who’s in desperate trouble, she’ll collapse. The loaded gun spins around and around in her head, waiting for someone to pull the trigger to see if there’s a bullet in the chamber.

  The water laps up around her knees as Will comes towards her, his soft features twisted into gnarled terror. There are faces everywhere and she searches them, desperately looking for someone she recognizes.

  ‘What the fuck?’ is the first thing she says as Will comes into earshot. But he’s not listening; he and the lifeguard are laying the limp body onto the dry sand. Her eyes still won’t allow her to distinguish the pallid features of the man lying on the ground.

  ‘Oh, Jesus!’ comes a voice just a split second before a body slams into her, crushing her with an embrace.

  ‘Jack?’ she says questioningly, having to pull away to make sure it’s him.

  ‘Oh, God,’ he chokes.

  ‘What the . . .?’ she starts looking from him, to who she now knows is Noah, lying motionless on the ground. ‘What the hell happened?’

  ‘We . . . we just got caught out,’ he gasps. ‘It came from nowhere and it just . . . it just . . .’

  He watches, dumbstruck, as the lifeguard blows air slowly into Noah’s mouth.

  ‘Noah!’ cries Paige. ‘Noah!’

  Hearing his name called so desperately paralyses Rachel. She can’t move, talk or feel anything apart from a hole opening up inside her chest. A hole so vast that it feels as if it will engulf her.

  She wants to go to him, to tell him that everything will be all right, but that’s not her place. Paige is with him, as she should be, so why can’t Rachel help feeling that it should be her?

  Twenty years have passed, and Noah has no doubt developed a whole heap of idiosyncrasies that she knows nothing about, and enjoyed experiences with Paige that she’ll never have a window onto, yet, for some reason, she still feels she knows him better than anyone else.

  They’d shared so many dreams and been on so many adventures, supporting each other as they negotiated the choppy waters of living away from home for the first time. They’d smoked their first joint together, been chased out of an illegal rave by the police, and been one another’s relationship gurus.

  Noah has shaped her, made her the person she is today, and without him . . .

  There’s a splutter, and a collective sigh of relief, as Noah is turned on his side.

  ‘Thank Christ,’ says Jack, as a sob escapes from Rachel’s throat. She throws a shaking hand to her mouth as Jack turns to look at her.

  ‘What the hell happened out there?’ shouts Will, getting up to face Jack. ‘I told you not to drift. I told you to stay close to me.’

  ‘We didn’t realize . . .’ starts Jack.

  ‘There’s no we in this,’ argues Will. ‘You know what to do. He’s the rookie.’

  ‘Noah!’ calls Paige. ‘Noah, darling, can you hear me?’

  ‘Did he get taken out by his surfboard?’ asks Ali.

  ‘It looks like it,’ says Will.

  Noah opens his eyes and tries to sit up. ‘Oh, thank God,’ cries Paige.

  ‘I . . .’ Noah coughs, looking around him in confusion. ‘I’m okay.’

  Rachel’s heart feels as if it’s about to burst out of her chest and she can’t stop a tear-stained grin from spreading across her face.

  ‘He’s going to be okay,’ says Paige.

  Every muscle in Will’s body visibly relaxes as the tension seeps out of him. ‘What did I tell you about eating too much bread?’ he says, attempting to laugh.

  ‘Should we cancel the rehearsal dinner tonight?’ asks Ali.

  Paige looks at Rachel and blows out her cheeks, but she doesn’t know if it’s a reaction to Ali’s insensitivity or Noah’s very near miss.

  6

  ‘Is he okay?’ Rachel asks Paige when she comes out to the pool after settling Noah down for a rest.

  Jack and Will have gone to see their parents who have arrived at the hotel down the road, and not one to let Noah’s near-death experience throw her off track, Ali’s getting her nails done.

  ‘Yes, he’s just exhausted,’ says Paige. ‘I’ll let him sleep for as long as he wants to and if he’s not up to going out tonight, we won’t go.’

  Rachel wishes she could volunteer to stay here with Noah, but knows that it would look odd.

  ‘Well, that certainly brings home the fragility of life, doesn’t it?’ she says.

  Paige nods. ‘It certainly does. I honestly thought it was touch and go for a minute.’

  Rachel feels the pull of tears at the back of her throat as she pictures Noah’s lifeless body being hauled out of the water. She goes to speak, but she doesn’t trust her voice.

  ‘It’s funny what goes through your mind at times like that, isn’t it?’ continues Paige.

  Rachel offers a tight smile.

  ‘It’s as if your brain goes into overdrive, questioning your whole existence. I found myself doing a deal with God that if he would just save him, I’d throw everything I have into our marriage.’

  Rachel can’t help but narrow her eyes. ‘I thought you already were.’ She looks at her questioningly.

  Paige sighs. ‘I think if Noah and I were both honest with each other, we’d admit that neither of us have been putting enough effort in lately.’

  ‘I had no idea,’ says Rachel, taken aback. ‘I thought you were happy.’

  ‘We are,’ says Paige. ‘But it feels as if we’re just bobbing along, waiting for something bigger to happen. We could go on like that until our dying days, but is that really enough? Do we not both deserve more?’

  ‘So, are you saying you’d consider leaving him?’ asks Rachel incredulously.

  ‘I’ve thought about it,’ admits Paige. ‘But seeing him like that today made me re-evaluate. Maybe bobbing along is good enough. Maybe I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist.’ She laughs. ‘I even found myself bargaining with our maker that I’d happily let Noah do whatever he wants to do, just so long as he keeps him alive.’

  ‘What? Like an affair or something,’ asks Rachel, dumbfounded.

  Paige nods. ‘I can’t imagine that feeling will last long, mind, but right now, I’d give my permission for anything.’

  This is so out of character for Paige that Rachel wonders if it isn’t her who’s had a knock to the head.

  ‘I used to think I’d put his balls in a vice and squeeze very hard if I found out he was seeing someone else,’ she goes on. ‘But it doesn’t seem quite as big a deal anymore.’

  Rachel shakes her head and smiles. ‘I can assure you, this all-new, all-accepting Paige is not going to last the day.’

  Paige shrugs. ‘Maybe not, but perhaps this is the wake-up call we all needed.’

  ‘All?’ questions Rachel, panicking that Paige can somehow see within her soul, to where the thought of losing Noah had left its impression. Can she see the emptiness he would have left behind? The void that could never be filled? Can she see that her heart has a crack in it, only superficially filled once she knew he was going to be okay?

  Her strength of feeling had even surprised Rachel herself, so much so that she spent those few minutes, that seemed like hours, constantly suppressing every natural instinct to go to him, scream at the ocean, and shout that she was sorry that she didn’t go to Thailand with him.

  ‘Maybe we should all live a little,’ says Paige, snapping Rachel out of the one-
way tunnel she finds herself in.

  Rachel chokes on her water. ‘What, all have affairs?’

  ‘I’m not saying that,’ says Paige. ‘But life is short. If Noah wanted to sleep with someone else . . .’

  Rachel can’t stop herself from imagining Noah’s cheek on hers, whispering how much he wants her. His fingers entwined in her hair as his other hand unbuttons her shirt.

  ‘So, what would you do?’ asks Paige, making Rachel’s cheeks flush with colour.

  ‘Do?’ she replies, flustered.

  ‘If you found out Jack was having an affair,’ says Paige.

  Rachel’s almost relieved that the conversation has turned to Jack, until she pictures Ali coming out of their room this morning and her indignation returns.

  Rachel wavers between needing to tell Paige what she saw – in the hope that she’ll say she’s being ridiculous – and not doing so, because just the mention of Ali will probably have Paige champing at the bit to prove that she’s the woman they suspect her to be.

  She shifts on the sunbed and pulls the sweatshirt she’s borrowed from Jack over her hands. It smells of him, clean and citrusy, but then she asks herself if she’s confusing it with Ali’s perfume. She shakes her head, as if trying to dislodge the fragment of distrust she’s suddenly developed for her husband of twenty years. Perhaps it’s her own guilty conscience that’s helping to propel the thought from nothing to something. She’s certainly aware that there are double standards at play here, so maybe she’s choosing to pretend that something might be going on, so she can justify the torrent of forbidden thoughts that are battering her own imagination.

  ‘I wouldn’t be able to forgive him,’ she says to Paige, as the image of Jack’s head between Ali’s legs flashes into her mind’s eye again. ‘And I honestly don’t believe you would either, if it were Noah.’

  ‘I think a lot of it would all depend on who he’s doing it with.’

  Rachel looks at her with a vexed brow. ‘What difference does that make?’

  Paige pulls her cardigan tighter around her and looks out across the ocean. ‘I think there are varying degrees of infidelity and the level of forgiveness would depend on which it was.’

  Rachel scoffs. ‘You sound like you’re in court.’

  ‘I’m just saying, I think the mitigating circumstances would need to be taken into account,’ says Paige, smiling.

  ‘So, what would be the circumstances you’d be willing to forgive?’

  ‘As I say, it would make a huge difference depending on who the woman is. If she was a pretty young thing in the office and he was making a fool of himself and me, then I’d struggle to see my way past that. But if . . . I don’t know . . .’ She waves her hand in the air. ‘If it were someone like you, who he had history and a deep, meaningful connection with, then I’d like to think that we could all talk it through and find a way to get past it.’

  Rachel feels as if all her innermost thoughts are being exposed. ‘That doesn’t make any sense,’ she offers as she desperately tries to shake off the uncomfortable sensation. ‘If I found out you and Jack were having an affair, it would be the end of everything . . . like immediately . . . that would be it.’

  ‘What, you’d be happy to throw our friendship away . . .?’

  ‘Absolutely!’ exclaims Rachel, unable to believe she’d be expected to do anything else. ‘Without question.’

  ‘Yet you’d entertain forgiving the floozy in the office?’

  ‘No, but it would certainly be easier to understand, knowing that he’d probably only done it to massage his ego.’

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ says Paige, before adding, ‘Without you getting cross?’

  Rachel nods.

  ‘Do you think Ali’s ever come on to Jack in the past?’

  Rachel feels a tightening across her chest, as if Paige knows something she doesn’t.

  ‘I think that would be a new low,’ says Rachel. ‘Even for Ali.’

  ‘But we now know what she’s like,’ says Paige. ‘And I wouldn’t put anything past her.’

  ‘Even her fiancé’s brother?’ asks Rachel, desperately looking for a line that even Ali wouldn’t cross.

  ‘I’m not saying he’d ever reciprocate . . .’ says Paige. ‘But I just wonder if something has happened, because he’s definitely not the same when she’s around.’

  Rachel pictures Ali scurrying across the landing from their room and feels like she’s being hollowed out with a spoon, her chest an empty chamber of rib bones. She wants to tell Paige what she saw, but she knows that instead of allaying her fears, she’ll ignite them; turning what could well be an innocent interaction into one that has Jack and Ali making love in the shower.

  ‘In what way?’ asks Rachel hesitantly.

  ‘He just doesn’t seem able to look her in the eye,’ says Paige.

  ‘And we know why that is,’ says Rachel indignantly. ‘Because she’s cheated on Will.’

  Paige nods her head. ‘Yes, but I just wonder if it’s something more than that. She’s different with Jack too.’

  ‘Well, maybe she knows he knows,’ says Rachel, feeling as if she’s clutching at straws. ‘Maybe this Rick fella has told her that Jack knows.’

  Paige looks away thoughtfully. ‘Yep, you might be right.’

  ‘I am right,’ says Rachel, resolutely.

  Paige puts a hand on Rachel’s knee. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,’ she says. ‘It’s just that sometimes that girl brings out the worst in me.’

  ‘I get that, but she’s not really our problem,’ says Rachel, trying to convince herself more than Paige. ‘Once this weekend’s over and done with, I would imagine Jack will try to put as much space between him and her as he can.

  Paige offers a tight smile. ‘Let’s just hope we can all get through this weekend then.’

  7

  ‘You look absolutely gorgeous,’ says Jack, as he comes up behind Rachel as she stands in front of the mirror. He smells like he’s already had a drink or two with the wedding party up at the hotel.

  His hands fall either side of her waist, fingering the soft silk of her dress as he kisses the nape of her neck. Even after all this time, he still manages to ignite something deep within her with just a touch of his lips.

  As if sensing her ardour, a grin spreads across his lips and he looks at her reflection with mischievous eyes.

  Rachel swallows the unexpected threat of tears. ‘Are you happy?’ she asks, through tremoring lips.

  He laughs, though Rachel can’t help but wonder if it’s false.

  ‘With you?’

  She nods as she watches him carefully.

  ‘Of course I am,’ he says. ‘I can’t believe you even need to ask.’

  She turns to face him. ‘If you were unhappy, or wanted something or someone else, would you tell me?’

  He shifts, his eyes momentarily flickering to the side before snapping back. ‘I have never wanted anything more than I want you,’ he says, kissing her cheek.

  ‘Or . . . anyone?’ Rachel asks hesitatingly.

  ‘What?’ he exclaims, as if the mere thought is so abhorrent and unnatural that he can’t believe she’d even say it out loud. His hands drop from her waist and he walks across the room, facing the floor-to-ceiling glass doors towards the ocean that is shimmering with gold as the sun sets behind it.

  His pale-pink shirt is pulled taut across his back, his shoulder blades tense as he cricks his neck from one side to the other. Rachel can feel the tension emanating from him and steels herself for what he might be about to say.

  What would she do if he suddenly decided to admit to something happening with Ali, either now or in the past? Would she tell Will what his bride and brother had done? Ruin his wedding . . . his relationship with his brother . . . his life? What if he called it all off? What would he say to the guests? The family would never be the same again.

  Her mind whirs with the fallout of the hypothetical scenario.

 
‘Well?’ she pushes, desperate to stop the agony from wrapping its tentacles around her and squeezing her until she can’t breathe. She’d rather an answer she doesn’t want to hear, than be stuck in this state of limbo. ‘Is there someone else?’

  Jack sighs so deeply that it sounds as if it’s been sitting there for months, waiting for the right time to be released. As he slowly turns around, Rachel can’t help but shut her eyes, in a futile attempt to protect herself from what he’s about to say.

  ‘How ironic that you feel the need to ask me that,’ he says, his tone tight and high-pitched.

  Rachel pulls back at his inference. ‘Sorry?’ she says, looking at him, confused.

  Jack laughs to himself, but makes Rachel feel as if it’s aimed at her. ‘Do you not think I can see straight through you?’ he says.

  She shakes her head as if to awaken the part of her brain that will make sense of what he’s saying. ‘I’m not with you,’ she says.

  ‘Do you think I didn’t see what happened today?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ she says. ‘Where? When?’

  ‘On the beach,’ he says tersely. ‘With Noah.’

  She can’t help but feel wrong-footed. This isn’t the way she’d anticipated this conversation going. ‘I don’t understand what you mean,’ she says, trying to keep her voice steady.

  ‘I could see the utter fear in your eyes,’ he says. ‘I could feel you trembling in my arms.’

  ‘That’s because it was absolutely terrifying,’ she says.

  ‘Any more terrifying than if it happened to me?’ He stares at her unwaveringly, as if expecting an answer.

  She tuts. ‘Why are you being so stupid? You were there – you saw what happened. I would hope you felt just as scared as I did. If you didn’t, then there’s something wrong with you.’

  ‘Don’t turn this on me,’ he says. Hadn’t he just done exactly that himself? ‘My gut reaction was one of guilt; that I was somehow responsible for what happened.’

  She narrows her eyes. ‘And were you?’

  ‘No!’ he exclaims. ‘I told Noah not to go any further into the impact zone, but he ignored me, so I had to go out there myself to bring him back. His selfish actions put us both at risk.’ He looks at Rachel. ‘But you didn’t seem too fazed by that. All you were concerned with was making sure he was all right.’