The Guilt Trip

by Sandie Jones

  Maria pulls her head back, her expression vexed with confusion. ‘Alison wasn’t driving,’ she says. ‘I was.’

  ‘But I thought . . .’ starts Rachel. ‘I thought Chrissy said she’d found your accident hard to deal with because she blamed herself.’

  Tears spring to Maria’s eyes. ‘Only because she called that night to ask me to pick her up from a party. I’d fallen asleep in front of the TV, so I was a bit disorientated when the phone rang. She could tell and told me she’d get a cab, so that I could go back to sleep. But I wasn’t having any of it.’ She looks at Rachel and smiles. ‘The thing is, your children grow up so quickly that it’s just nice to be needed, even when they’re adults. And it wasn’t that late, so I didn’t think twice. But it was pouring with rain outside and as we were coming back, a car came out of nowhere on the other side of the road and smashed straight into us.’

  ‘So, it wasn’t Ali’s fault?’ says Rachel, almost to herself.

  ‘Of course not,’ says Maria. ‘And it pains me that she still thinks it is. She couldn’t have done anything more for me if she’d tried. She stayed by my side, twenty-four/seven, for two years after my accident.’

  Rachel feels her body swaying; it’s as if she’s outside, looking in. She has so many questions, but she’s afraid the answers are not going to be ones she wants to hear.

  She pictures Ali’s CV, with the two-year period she’d so readily allocated to ‘Serving at Her Majesty’s Pleasure’, being replaced by ‘Caring for her Sick Mum’. It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, and it most certainly doesn’t fit in with the warped caricature of Ali that Rachel’s created in her head.

  ‘So, she gave up work?’ asks Rachel, her voice wavering.

  Maria nods. ‘She was doing so well – her career was going like a train – but she packed it all in for me. That’s why I’m pleased she’s doing so well now – least of all, it makes me feel less guilty for holding her up. But she wouldn’t have it any other way.’

  Rachel smiles as a swirling pool of nausea works its way up from her stomach.

  ‘Just look at all these people,’ says Maria, waving her arm around. ‘They’ve known Alison since she was a little girl – they’ve been with her through thick and thin and I bet you everything I have that they would all tell you that she is one of the most loyal people they know.’

  Rachel would bet even more that Paige, who looks like she’s sucking a lemon whilst staring intently at Chrissy’s phone, isn’t one of them.

  ‘She might not always go about it the right way,’ Maria goes on. ‘But it’s always well intended and with your best interests at heart.’

  Rachel almost laughs out loud at Maria’s skewed perception of the woman who’s doing her utmost to destroy her life. And as she makes her excuses to leave the conversation, she wonders if the protective matriarch in front of her might be just as much of a fantasist as her daughter. Perhaps that’s where Ali gets it from?

  23

  ‘Are we having a good time?’ asks the DJ over the speaker, just as Rachel reaches Jack and Noah at the bar.

  No! screams a voice in her head, as she orders a gin and tonic.

  ‘Yes!’ yell the revellers on the dance floor, throwing their hands in the air to prove the point.

  ‘Okay,’ says the DJ. ‘Al-eee, where are you?’

  He turns the music down, until just the faintest beat can be heard amongst the low hum of muted conversation.

  ‘Ali?’ Will calls out across the dance floor. He stands on tiptoes to see over the heads of the revellers who are still trying to move to the music, even though it can barely be heard. He shrugs his shoulders at the DJ.

  Heads turn expectantly as the bathroom door opens, only for a palpable sense of disappointment to descend when Ali’s grandmother comes out.

  ‘I think I saw her go outside,’ offers Chrissy.

  ‘Where’s Paige?’ asks Rachel quietly, noticing that she’s no longer with Chrissy.

  Noah shrugs his shoulders and Jack pulls an impassive expression, both seemingly oblivious to the relevance of Ali and Paige both being missing at the same time.

  ‘Where the hell is Paige?’ Rachel hisses.

  As if they cotton on at precisely the same moment, they both turn to look at her with their mouths open.

  ‘Shit!’ says Jack, slamming his glass down on the bar. He goes to move towards the door to the terrace, but Rachel takes hold of his arm.

  ‘Don’t,’ she says, under her breath.

  He shrugs her free and rushes to follow Will outside.

  ‘Ali?’ Will calls out into the darkness.

  ‘Paige!’ shouts Jack, his voice so taut with tension that Will turns to look at him, puzzled.

  ‘Are they together?’ he asks.

  ‘I don’t know,’ says Jack, rubbing the back of his neck.

  Rachel shivers as the waves crash against the bottom of the wooden terrace they’re standing on. There’s no way either of them would have gone down onto the beach, as the tide has come in so far that it no longer exists.

  She looks up to where a wide ledge nestles under an overhang of the cliff, and can just make out two figures standing on the craggy outcrop. In this light, it’s impossible to know if they’re moving towards her or away, or even if it’s Ali and Paige at all, but who else is it likely to be?

  She nudges Jack and nods in their direction, careful to keep the rising panic that he must surely feel too under wraps. If Will catches on that the pair of them are at loggerheads, he’s going to want to know why, and despite everything, Rachel desperately wants to spare him that heartache – at least for today.

  ‘Paige!’ Jack calls out, displaying no such conscience, as he trips over himself to get to them.

  ‘Is that Ali with her?’ asks Will, his high-pitched voice showing the first sign of concern and confusion.

  The silhouettes seem to move closer towards one another, as the gap of muted light between them is snuffed out. Rachel shudders as she imagines Paige’s barely contained fury at being dragged into this sorry state of affairs. She was used to clearing up other people’s mess, not being embroiled in her own. But as much as Rachel would like to pretend that this is all about Paige taking Ali to task over her behaviour and the wicked lie she’d spouted, she’s not naive enough to believe that Ali won’t retaliate with the ace that is up her sleeve. Perhaps that’s why she didn’t tell Paige on the beach earlier today – because she knew she’d need to save it for this precise moment.

  A scream echoes across the cliffs and Rachel holds her breath, picturing Paige, so incandescent with rage that she can’t stop herself from lashing out. She imagines Ali falling and turning through the air. Over and over she goes before disappearing into the icy sea below.

  Rachel covers her ears, knowing that if anything happens to Ali, it’s going to be all her fault.

  ‘Paige!’ shouts Jack, sounding as if he’s being strangled.

  As he rushes towards them, his legs look like they’re wading through treacle whilst the upper half of his body falls over them in its effort to get there. Just as he’s about to reach the shadows standing on the cliff edge, he seems to run out of steam, as if he’s suddenly aware of what it might look like if somebody were to put two and two together. For starters, they might question why he’s left his wife’s side to run to another woman’s aid. But the debate that’s raging in Rachel’s own head is, which one of them is he trying to rescue?

  She watches as the three of them stand there and wonders if this is the moment that her life implodes. She imagines Jack and Paige looking at each other, open mouthed in shock, as Ali reveals what she saw and heard last night. Her heart beats at double time, waiting for Jack to howl into the darkness like an animal who’s just had its newborn snatched by a predator. Even if Josh is his, she’ll never be able to put this right. She’s suddenly aware that despite everything that Ali has done, nothing compares to the consequences of what one night, twenty years ago, could bring to bear.
r />   Her brain wants to run to them, but her body won’t let her; too scared of what she will be met with when she gets there. She looks at the fifty or so metres between them and wonders how so little distance can stand between her and her future. Would it make a difference if she were to offer her heartfelt apologies? Would it save her marriage? Her friendship with Paige if she were able to defend her actions? If she explained why she honestly thought that burying the remote possibility was the best thing to do – for all of them.

  A hand slides into hers and she turns to see Noah standing beside her, his vexed expression matching her own.

  Despite knowing she should pull her hand away, she leaves it there for a moment, because she needs to. It reminds her that there is one person who might still be standing beside her when this is all over. She can’t help but wonder if he might ultimately be the most important.

  Suddenly, Paige emerges from the darkness, her face like thunder, as she strides towards them purposefully, with Jack trailing behind her. Rachel drops Noah’s hand as if she’s been given an electric shock and goes towards her.

  ‘Bitch,’ snaps Paige, when their two paths collide.

  An icy hand reaches into Rachel’s chest and wraps itself around her heart, squeezing until she can no longer feel it pumping. She goes to defend herself, but her mouth has dried up and she doesn’t know where she’d even begin.

  ‘You need to get out of my way,’ Paige says to Noah, who is blocking her in a misguided attempt at placating her.

  Rachel looks at him wide-eyed as they both silently acknowledge the deluge they’re trying to hold back.

  ‘I mean it . . .’ says Paige, locking eyes with him.

  ‘Paige . . .’ starts Rachel.

  Paige spins around to face her, with flared nostrils. ‘What?’ she yells.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ starts Rachel, terrified by this version of her best friend, one she hasn’t seen before. But then she doesn’t know what else she should have expected. ‘I can’t begin to understand how you must be feeling . . .’

  ‘You have no fucking idea,’ says Paige.

  Rachel wants to shrink into herself, away from the toxic atmosphere of everyone having held a secret in for so long that it now feels like they’re all about to spontaneously combust.

  ‘I just . . .’ says Rachel, not knowing where to even start. ‘I just want you to know . . .’

  Paige shakes her head, as if in an effort to clear the poisonous thoughts that are trapped there. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says, sighing deeply. ‘I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.’

  ‘Wh . . . what?’ asks Rachel, numbly, as her knees threaten to buckle with relief. She holds onto the door into the restaurant for support, not wanting to count her chickens before they’ve hatched. ‘What happened?’

  Paige takes a deep breath in and out. ‘She really is quite something,’ she says. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so divisive in all my life.’

  ‘What did she say?’ Rachel asks, before tensing her shoulders up in the hope that they might reach her ears and render her deaf to the answer.

  ‘I won’t let her get away with the lies she’s peddling,’ she says, shaking her head. ‘She’s going to pay.’

  ‘I can understand you being angry,’ says Rachel. ‘But this isn’t the way to deal with it.’

  ‘You honestly expect me to let that liar get away with it?’ asks Paige, exasperated.

  ‘No,’ says Rachel, daring to believe that Ali’s not told her about Noah and Josh. ‘No, of course not, but there is a time and a place. And here and now isn’t it.’

  Paige suddenly grabs hold of Rachel’s arms and turns her to face her. ‘You know that Jack and I aren’t . . .’ It’s as if she can’t bring herself to say it. ‘You do know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course,’ says Rachel, her voice high-pitched.

  ‘Are you okay?’ asks Jack, coming up to them. It’s only when Rachel turns to look at him that she realizes he’s talking to Paige.

  Rachel stands there, between her husband and her best friend, yet feels like she’s a million miles from anyone. Jack’s fraught with an unnerving panic. Paige is as incensed as Rachel’s ever seen her. Both of them are seemingly oblivious to the fact that even while she’s trying to comfort them, it’s her world that’s falling apart at the seams.

  Guests are beginning to bristle, as if they know something’s amiss, but are not quite sure what. It would help enormously if the DJ put a record on to distract everyone’s attention from what may or may not be going on outside. But in the absence of music, they’re craning their necks to get a better view.

  There’s no escaping the fact that Will is clearly comforting Ali, as he wipes her tears and looks at her earnestly. Eventually, after taking a few deep breaths, she comes back into the restaurant to a round of applause.

  ‘Ah,’ says the DJ. ‘Here she is.’

  Will accompanies her to the middle of the dance floor, keeping her close to him. Rachel knows him well enough to see that he’s concerned about what’s just gone on, but Ali’s attempting to make light of it by forcing a smile.

  ‘So, here we have it,’ says the DJ, in broken English, blissfully unaware of the edginess that’s crept into the proceedings. ‘A surprise for you, Ali.’

  The big TV behind him comes to life and David Friedman is on the screen, sitting in a monochrome-designed room, wearing his trademark jeans and white T-shirt.

  ‘Ali,’ he says into the camera, as everyone gasps and turns to look at her. It seems that Rachel isn’t the only one who thought the David Friedman story was just another far-fetched fantasy that Ali had concocted as truth. She can’t help but wish that it was.

  David flashes a megawatt smile. ‘I just wanted to send you a message to say that I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there. I know you’ll have a fantastic time and I wish you and Will many congratulations as you embark on this new and exciting chapter of your lives. Will, you’re a lucky devil and you better treat her right, otherwise you’ll have me to answer to.’

  Will smiles and pulls Ali in even closer.

  ‘You think you’re coming back to work next week,’ David goes on. ‘But as much as I need you here, I’m going to have to muddle through without you, because you’re going to Barbados!’

  Ali cups her hands to her mouth in shock. ‘What?’ she says, looking at Will with tears in her eyes.

  Will nods. ‘We’re staying at his place for a week,’ he says, as everyone cheers and claps.

  ‘Oh my God,’ says Ali, disbelievingly.

  Rachel’s stomach turns over as reality hits home. The knowledge that Ali had told the truth about knowing David, even playing down how closely she clearly works with him, goes against every natural instinct in her body. This isn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t who Ali is. She’s a liar and a fantasist – who tells untruths as easily as reciting the alphabet.

  Despite the oppressive heat in the restaurant, Rachel’s blood feels icy cold, her fingers and toes numb. She wiggles them, just to check that they’re still functioning, so disconnected does she feel to her body. Her brain wants to fast-track forward, desperate to join up the dots, but she refuses to allow it because she doesn’t want to see the picture it will draw.

  ‘Wow, how cool is that?’ coos Chrissy beside her.

  Rachel smiles tightly as she looks around for Jack. She’s not surprised to see him at the bar, in an animated discussion with Paige. As she walks towards them, her legs not feeling like her own, she wonders if their conversation will change between now and when she’s standing there beside them. By rights it shouldn’t, but Paige abruptly stops talking when she approaches.

  ‘Jack, can I talk to you for a second?’ Rachel asks.

  ‘Yes,’ he says, without moving.

  Rachel looks from him to Paige. She doesn’t suppose there’s anything she can’t say in front of her, especially now that she’s so deeply immersed in whatever the hell is going on.

  ‘I know where Ali was
for those lost two years,’ she says, desperately trying to keep her voice from wavering. ‘The period she assigned to a fictitious company on her CV.’

  Paige tuts. ‘She just can’t help herself, can she?’

  Jack raises his eyebrows, silently asking her to elaborate.

  ‘She was caring for her mother,’ says Rachel. ‘After her accident.’

  Jack looks like it doesn’t make any difference to him, but to Rachel, it’s a whole world’s worth.

  ‘Do you think it matters?’ he asks, bluntly.

  ‘Yes and no,’ says Rachel, failing to understand why Jack’s being so belligerent, with her of all people.

  ‘She lied in order to get a job, and that, in my book, is enough.’

  ‘But you can understand why she felt the need to do it,’ says Rachel.

  ‘All she had to do was be honest,’ says Jack.

  ‘But you would never have employed her if she had been,’ says Rachel. ‘You’ve admitted to me that you’ve avoided taking on women of a certain age, or those you suspect will be looking to have a baby in a couple of years. If you knew, for just a second, that Ali had a responsibility to care for her mum, you wouldn’t have given her the time of day.’

  ‘Why are you even trying to stick up for her, when she’s done what she’s done?’ asks Paige.

  ‘I’m not sticking up for her,’ says Rachel. ‘I’m just trying to understand what’s happening here.’

  ‘I’ll tell you what’s happening,’ says Jack. ‘That bitch over there has been harassing me for nigh on three years, and when she gets called out on it, she claims that I’m having an affair with my wife’s best friend.’

  ‘Is that how long it’s been going on?’ asks Rachel, looking from Jack to Paige.

  ‘What?’ says Jack irritably.

  ‘The supposed affair between you.’ She leaves it hanging there, not knowing what she wants either of them to do with the insinuation.

  ‘We are not having an affair,’ barks Jack, looking at Paige.

  ‘I wasn’t talking about you two,’ says Rachel. ‘I’m referring to the affair that you say Ali is claiming to have had with you.’