Love Like Crazy

by Emma Chamberlain

  Maybe Charli just did this to girls. Just like that mean girl had said.

  “I don’t care anymore. I’m wearing this. I don’t even like dressing up. I think my original plan of jeans and a cardigan is valid,” I said.

  “No way, this is your first date ever. It has to be special,” Abby replied.

  “If she likes me then she’ll like me in normal comfortable clothes,” Charli argued.

  “Just put the dress on, silly,” Abby replied.

  “Ugh, okay,” Charli said.

  I put my book down and got up from my bed, going to the closet to fetch the perfect thing.

  "Here," I said, handing Charli a black dress that'd be perfect for her.

  I didn't want to participate. Didn't want to be the one sending her off with a pat on the head.

  But I liked her. A lot, a lot. And I couldn't help it. She was so stupidly nervous and happy about this that even I wanted it to go well despite the fact that I hated this other girl. Okay, hate is strong. I just didn't see what Charli saw.

  “Um, thanks,” Charli said.

  She took the dress and held it up to her body.

  “It’s perfect!” Abby jumped off of Charli’s bed and looked at the dress closer.

  “It is? Not too dressed up? We’re just going for coffee,” Charli said.

  “Seriously, it’s great. Lissa isn’t going to know what to do. You’re going to look so good,” Abby said.

  “Thanks,” Charli said.

  This was hard for me. I'd grown so attached to her that I never had time to even imagine this scenario. Charli seemed so anti when it came to girls. This literally came out of nowhere. And I kept having to tell myself: she wants this and she's happy. Don't be a dickhead Laura.

  The truth was that Charli was so perfect I always knew I would lose her. Even from our very first day. There was always this expiration date hanging off in the wings.

  "No problem," I said, trying to keep it inside.

  Everything was so nice until it wasn't. It was like I was waking up again from a very bad dream. Remembering my life and the fact it had never really changed.

  I walked back to my bed and sat down.

  Charli shrugged out of her towel and snuck the dress on.

  I watched her and looked to Abby. A blush and a smile escaped me.

  It was cute. Not the dress, though I'm sure once she was ready she'd look even more fantastic than she usually did. Just the whole scene of it, Charli being nervous, Charli having something to be happy about for once.

  I couldn't hate this other girl.

  I sniffed a breath through my nose and tried to distract myself.

  “Well?” Charli asked, showing us the dress on her body.

  I looked up, unable to help it. My heart beat faster and I didn't know what to say. Before me, Charli was just glowing. Her skin was so pretty against the black of the dress. Her nerves were attractive. I felt her energy inside me.

  “Bad? Good? What do you guys think?” Charli asked.

  “Amazing! You look hot,” Abby said.

  "Uh, yeah," I forced myself to snap out of it. "Super hot," I smiled and locked eyes with her.

  Charli looked back at me. She held my eyes, with a sad look and then she turned back to the mirror.

  I felt a tug of guilt and then worry.

  Maybe she was just worried about seeing Lissa. Worried she wouldn't say the right thing or be the right way.

  “Should I even be doing this? Are you sure this is a good idea?” Charli asked.

  “Stop freaking out. It’s one date. Not like you’re marrying the girl,” Abby said.

  “Yeah, I guess. I’m just being dumb, I guess. It’s not like anyone else is interested,” Charli frowned.

  When she said things like this it instantly made me grumpy. Other people naturally loved her. Why would she even think that way?

  “That’s dumb. Stop talking like that,” Abby insisted.

  I pointed at Abby and nodded my agreement.

  Words were still hard to come by for me since the demolition of my momentary safe space with her but still.

  "You look really sexy," I said, giving her a thing she could hold inside and touch, some kind of boost to help her through.

  Every time I saw her outside the uniform it was like seeing her for the first time and this was that again. If I didn't know her and I saw Charli out on a date in some cafe I'd doubletake.

  Since I did know her, that feeling tripled. My gaze drifted to all the separate places where her body was nice. Her face and her throat, her biceps and abs. And then I got lost where the fabric stopped on her perfect fit thighs.

  She blushed and looked down. “Thank you. That’s really sweet of you to say,” Charli said.

  I bit my bottom lip and looked up at her. It was very hard not to stare. Very hard.

  The more I talked to Charli alone the more I learned that her mind very often turned to sex and the physical.

  “She’s right. Now, let’s do your makeup,” Abby said.

  “Can’t I just wear what I’m wearing now?” Charli asked.

  I shrugged, completely distracted by her. Charli didn't need any makeup. She didn't need anything.

  I leaned back on the bed and zoned out. Then I realized my eyes were locked on her thighs and when I looked up at her she was watching me. Super embarrassing. I tried to go back to my book. Ignore all this.

  “Fine, but at least let me touch it up and I’ve got a lip gloss that will look awesome,” Abby said.

  “I can live with that,” Charli said.

  “Come here,” Abby said.

  “Yes, boss,” Charli replied.

  “I have to get back soon because I promised I’d let Lindsey make things up to me with tons of groveling and foot massages,” Abby said.

  “Are you sure she deserves to be forgiven?” Charli asked.

  I heard Abby sigh.

  “Maybe not but love makes you crazy, you know,” Abby said.

  “Uh huh, crazy not rude. Anyway, I’m still mad at her and I think you should find someone that treats you better now. She’s my friend but she’s been so out of line lately,” Charli said.

  “Yeah, I know. Maybe,” Abby hedged.

  It was kind of crazy how much a person could get away with when they were pretty. Abby was obviously enamored with Lindsey and willing to overlook all kinds of delicate things.

  I laid onto my stomach and fixed my eyes on the words in my book. There was a woman trapped in a large gothic castle and her new husband was obviously a sexual deviant and she hadn't gotten word.

  Abby and Charli sat together on Charli's bed. Two friends working together on a common goal. I wanted to leave but I didn't want Charli to think I was mad at her.

  When Abby finished Charli’s make up, she left, making Charli promise to text and let her know how the date went.

  I kept to myself, knowing if I looked at Charli I'd want to talk to her.

  What could I say? Have fun ditching me? I hope you get laid?

  Everything I could think of fell flat.

  Charli came and sat down beside me. I felt her hand on my back.

  Little flurries swam around in my stomach. We had baggage now and I honestly didn't know what to say.

  “How’s the book?” She asked.

  "Terrifying," I said, thinking about the fear the woman in the story felt. A trapped bird in a cage just waiting for her own torment and maybe death.

  As soon as Charli left me I'd be even more afraid. But I wasn't gonna tell her that because I didn't want her to have to think about me while she was away.

  “It’s scary but it sucks you in,” she said.

  "I know. I'm all fucked up," I conceded.

  “I started that way so I just sat and stared at the last page when I was done,” Charli replied.

  I felt her hand slip underneath my shirt and rub the skin of my back.

  My head hung down and I moaned. Whenever she touched me I gave in and I wanted it more. I laid
my head down on the bed and just let myself feel it.

  “You’re all tense,” Charli said.

  She started to massage my muscles, pushing my shirt up so she could use both of her hands.

  It was heaven. Her hands were magic.

  I found myself loudly breathing and stretching a little. "Not sure how to change that," I let out.

  “Ask me to help you when you feel like this? That would be a good way. I can loosen you up,” Charli said.

  She massaged the sides of my neck with light pressure and then moved lower, putting more force into the muscles around my shoulders.

  It wasn't just a good message. I felt her hands in all the places she didn't touch. Like tendrils wound their way around my neck and my chest, teasing me with pleasure, reminding me of other things.

  "I'm okay," I breathed loudly, needing it.

  “Do you want me to stop?” Charli asked.

  "If you want to," I said. I didn't want her to have to force herself to be nice to me.

  “I don’t want to stop. I never want to stop touching you,” she breathed.

  A little pride glowed inside. A smirk tickled the sides of my lips. "You're just trying to distract yourself," I realized.

  “Am I? I didn’t do it on purpose. I just gravitated here. I always find myself doing things I didn’t realize I was doing when I’m with you,” Charli mused.

  "My bra's annoying," I said, reaching back to unsnap it. "There," I breathed, relieved. "No. Wait," I said, tugging my shirt and bra off.

  I laid onto my chest again and just let myself be.

  “That’s better but this angle is dumb,” Charli said.

  I tilted my head and tried to look back at her.

  She got up and then straddled my butt, pulling her dress back away from my back where it had landed. It was kind of scandalous but I loved it. I felt her hands on my back again and she started to massage me with vigor.

  "Ah, fuck," I moaned, relaxing again.

  She was so cute. I couldn't get over it. Between the sexual story and the way she currently looked I was a little bit compromised. Even my urges ignited. The strong and carnal ones. When her thumbs pushed down into my skin I felt a need deep down in my aching sex.

  Yes she was leaving but right now she was here and treating me like a queen.

  I wondered if all her other friendships were kind of like this. If this was normal for her.

  Chapter 21

  I waited outside the dorm, nervous and cold. I’d just left Laura in our room. It made me regret this decision. Staying in sounded much nicer than being nervous and awkward for an entire night with someone that wasn’t Laura.

  I didn’t think much about the massage thing until I’d left the room. She made me forget what was normal. I touched her without thinking. It was need and it was an attempt to comfort her. She was off ever since the bonfire but she wouldn’t tell me what was going on.

  Lissa came from the left, scaring me a little but I covered it up.

  “Hey you,” she said.

  “Hey,” I replied.

  She hugged me and kissed my cheek. It was exciting but also weird. There was an expectation with every touch and look. I ducked my head and smiled.

  “You look amazing. I wish I’d known you were going to dress up. I feel like a dork now,” she said.

  I looked over to see that she was wearing what I initially wanted to wear: jeans, a leather jacket, and a nice tank.

  “Oh no, you look really good too. Seriously, I would have worn the same kind of thing if Abby hadn’t convinced me that my first date had to be special,” I said.

  “I’ll have to thank Abby then. I like you in that dress. I just didn’t bring anything nice since I was just going to be here for the weekend."

  “I get ya. Should I go change?” I asked.

  “Don’t you dare,” Lissa insisted.

  “Oh, it’s like that, huh?” I teased.

  “Yeah, it is. I’ll be thinking about what’s under that dress all night,” she said.

  The comment hit me a little weird. I wasn’t used to people making sexual comments to me. She was just being nice and trying to flirt. I just didn’t feel comfortable.

  She took my hand and led me toward the front drive of the school.

  “Our car is here,” she said.

  I didn’t reply but just let her walk me toward the waiting vehicle. She opened the door for me and I slid in and over to make room for her. Lissa told the driver to take us to The Whole Bean, the main coffee shop in town. I still felt overdressed for coffee but at least it was appreciated.

  The other thing that saved this was that I was wearing something of Laura’s. She’d worn this dress before and I felt like she was here in a way, which was probably strange.

  Lissa kept holding my hand and I started to worry. My sweaty palms were slick and her hand in mine made it worse. I desperately wanted to take my hand back but I also didn’t want to be rude. She smiled at me and I gave her a small smile back.

  The whole drive she kept talking about USC and her team. I was interested but I felt distracted for some reason. She was perfect on paper. Even though she was dressed casual, she looked sleek and perfect. Her leather jacket was short and black with patches from bands and other things I didn’t know.

  Her light hair was perfect without her trying much. It fell in waves down to her mid back and she had it in a side part that made her look casual. The whole effect made me think she had just stepped out of a hot lesbian tumblr post.

  I cleared my throat and brought myself back to the present.

  “See something you like?” She asked, stopping in the middle of her story.

  I blushed furiously and didn’t meet her eyes.

  “I was just thinking about how pretty you are,” I admitted.

  She laughed and pulled my hand over into her lap so I’d have to lean closer.

  “You’re so sweet. Ronnie always tells me how nice you are and I’d forgotten. It’s refreshing and cute. I like it,” she said.

  “Ah, thanks,” I said.

  Her compliments were so sweet that I couldn’t even think of anything to say. It wasn’t like when Laura complimented me. I felt a little embarrassed and silly.

  The coffee shop was mildly busy but we found a table easily. I stayed at the table while Lissa ordered our drinks. I could watch her from where I was and she looked just as good from the back as she had from the front. Why wasn’t I super into it then?

  A flash of Laura’s smile came to me and I let myself drift back to our room where I’d been touching her and making her relax under my hands. When we held hands it was perfect and when I looked at her I felt like I was falling into a void so deep I’d never find my way out.

  It was different. I cursed under my breath and made myself stop. It was stupid to think about Laura right now. I was here with a girl that definitely wanted to be out with me on a date. I tried to imagine kissing her and how it would feel just as good as kissing Laura had.

  Fuck.

  That just led me back to that night and how turned on I’d been. Not only that, I felt the whole world inside of me in those few minutes we were getting physical. I pinched the skin behind my knee to bring myself back again.

  “Stop it,” I growled under my breath.

  “What?” Lissa asked.

  She’d come back while I was trying to wrestle my mind.

  “Oh, nothing. Sorry, I was just talking to myself,” I said.

  She raised her eyebrows and set my coffee down in front of me.

  “As long as you don’t start answering inanimate objects, I’ll let it pass,” she teased.

  I snorted and shook my head.

  “I’m not that crazy,” I assured her.

  “Good. Now, tell me more things about you. I want to know everything I missed since I’ve been gone,” she said.

  “Not much to tell. I like lit a lot this year. It’s my favorite class. I think I want to major in English when I get to college but I don
’t know. My dad wants me to go for something practical. My whole life is basically soccer and school,” I said.

  Soccer, school, and Laura.

  My brain was still betraying me.

  “What about you? You’re the one with the exciting college life,” I said.

  “Well, I’m majoring in music and theatre. I’m getting all of my basics out of the way as quickly as possible so I can focus on my performance classes and the productions. I have to direct a play before I graduate. That’s going to be interesting. So, my life is pretty busy. Oh, I pledged a sorority so that takes up some time too but I’m thinking of dropping it next year,” she said.

  “That’s insane and neat. I didn’t know you were doing that,” I said.

  She was fucking perfect. It wasn’t fair.

  “I really love music. That’s what I want to do full time after I graduate. Maybe do some musical theatre. My parents are like your dad though. They keep telling me I need to think about the future and finding something to fall back on."

  “Sucks, doesn’t it. They have a point but at the same time, fuck it becuase it’s what you want,” I said.

  She laughed and nodded.

  “Exactly.” I caught her smiling at me and watching my reactions. “Why didn’t I ever realize how cool you were?” She asked.

  “Because I was quiet and didn’t say much to anyone two years ago?”

  “Plus, I think I needed some time to grow up. I didn’t come out, even to myself, until Freshman year,” she said.

  “It's hard. We’ve got all of these pressures and people telling us that something is normal so it’s easy to not know until you really, you know… know,” I said.

  "Exactly," Lissa said.

  She scooted her chair closer to mine and took a sip of her coffee.

  "I always admired you for coming out in high school," she said.

  "It wasn't that bad. It definitely would have been worse somewhere else. No one really cared and the ones that did weren't my friends anyway," I explained.

  "Still, it takes guts," Lissa insisted.

  "I guess. It was natural and I'm lucky but thank you," I said.

  She hovered close to me, our arms nearly brushing several times. It was flirty enough that there was no mistake what was going on but I felt numb.