Minutes later, they arrive at the parking structure where Russell has his car parked. He unlocks the car, and they both get in. Before starting the ignition, Russell turns his head and talks to Jesse.
“Alright, it’s been lovely and I’ve had a wonderful night, but look how late it is. I’m really tired, and I need to get to bed. So let me take you home.”
Jesse looking very depressed, looks down on towards the ground, and is silent for almost a minute. He then looks up ahead and for a short while looking out the windscreen. Jesse looks at Russell for a few seconds and lays his head on his shoulder, and puts his hand on Russell’s lap. Jesse then sadly exclaims to him.
“I don’t want to go home.”
Russell with an uncomfortable look on his face, shakes his head and laughs. Then starts the car engine.
Chapter 5
NOTHING REMEMBERED, NOTHING FORGOTTEN
Russell was not expecting for Jesse to do that, and is in shock. He doesn’t know how to react to the current situation, and doesn’t know the correct response to give. He is not a very touching or romance orientated person himself, and doesn’t do well at all to affection. These types of things are Russell’s main weakness, and it’s something he’d rather not partake in. Love, romance, personal relationships and such. All of this is a new experience for him, and it’s only understandable for him to feel estranged from anything related to love. That is of course a quality of his personality, to give off that agenda and trait to himself. His mysteriousness and ambiguity as far as his personal life is concerned, makes sense. Any close bonds that Russell tries to attach himself to, cause an issue and bring much difficulty. Honestly, they both have problems surrounding this particular category. Jesse as well is quite innocent and inexperienced in this department as well, taking advantage of Russell’s kindness that he’s portraying. Attraction, both physical and mental is just something that you cannot control. So whereas Russell is finding it hard to express himself towards compassion, Jesse seems to be the exact opposite, and letting his feelings and colors show. There has to be some kind of equalizer in this conundrum somehow, in which both parties are satisfied in their virtues. There has to be a way for everyone in this situation to be at peace, and to not be insecure with their feelings.
Russell gets on the highway, which has moderate traffic. The night sky is turning a light tan color, and the city lights surrounding Los Angeles are an interesting sight to see. It’s a very cool, yet humid night. Thus it being a Friday night, a lot of action is still presenting itself. Keeping his mind towards the road, Russell still has a heavy case of emotions on his mind. While driving the car, he thinks about how he should resolve this with Jesse, so that wrong ideas aren’t being harvested. He is also wondering if he should leave it alone, and pretend Jesse’s advances never happened. Part of him wishes to ignore what Jesse did, and blame it on the fact that he acted on emotional impulse and didn’t mean to do it. Especially if you factor in everything which did pan out today, you can’t really blame anyone. Russell believes that he’ll excuse that act just this one time. The other part of him does want to confront Jesse, and inform him that he’s not comfortable with his gestures. Jesse however in some ways doesn’t feel guilty or wrong, he did what he wanted to it and that settles it. He feels that it isn’t his fault that he can’t keep his patience and feelings to himself anymore, and acted accordingly to the way he did. Trying his best to respect Russell’s boundaries, he was just able to contain how he really felt. Jesse is very much attracted to Russell, and doesn’t want to part from him right now. Wanting to hold onto this setting with him.
Russell continues to drive the car, and the both of them stay silent with Russell concentrating on the road. Jesse is keeping to himself with an innocent look on his face, staring straight out of the windshield of Russell’s car, in a mute state. The car stereo is on, playing music very loudly, and they both remain quiet towards each other. Russell occasionally would direct his eyes towards Jesse, but only for a second. As he continues down the highway in silence, Russell finally snaps, and he isn’t in a flirtatious or affectionate mood. He tries to make it clear to Jesse. He turns the stereo down to talk to him.
“Don’t ever do that again okay. That really made me feel uncomfortable, and you need to keep your fucking hands to yourself; you don’t touch people like that. Especially men, and you being another guy. Don’t do stuff like that, it’s not right.”
Jesse is sitting with his back in the seat with his arms crossed, and rudely responds to Russell.
“I’m going to do what I want, I gave you so many hints that I was into you, and if you can’t get them that’s not my fault at all. If I want to touch you, I’m gonna touch you, sorry.”
Russell stays silent for a couple minutes, and looks at Jesse very angrily. Jesse looks at Russell with an entitled look and turns the stereo up. Jesse feels he should say whatever is on his mind towards Russell, due to assumed rapport and connection that they both seem to have. Wanting to be comfortable and free spirited, and not having to filter or conform himself under Russell’s wishes. Russell is still having issue with this situation, and how to correctly assess it. Frankly, he wasn’t really offended and disgusted by what Jesse told him, but surprised and shocked that Jesse has much disregard to others personal space. His rudeness and the way goes about it brings much concern. But again, Russell reminds himself of the moment they are currently in, and perhaps he was being far too nice, which why why Jesse reacted that way. Under a lot of stress from recent events, exceptions should probably be made under certain conditions. That still shouldn’t matter, as Jesse’s approach to the situation in Russell’s mind isn’t the proper one. If Jesse feels he needs to get and do whatever he wants to feel happy on his own personal status, that’s good for him. But Russell feels it is an incorrect method for him, and he does decide to take the situation into his own hands, displaying his side of the ordeal. He takes another look at Jesse, turns the stereo down again, and continues to converse with him.
“There’s that attitude problem of yours yet again. It’s interesting how it approaches itself like that. Like a wave in the ocean. It comes up, and springs itself. Jesse, you have a terrible attitude problem buddy, and it’s something you really need to work on.”
Jesse starts to laugh to himself, and turns the radio up on high volume. He then proceeds to put his hand on Russell’s lap for a second, and then he removes his hand and laughs again. Jesse then looks straight forward, and doesn’t say a single word. Russell turns and looks at Jesse with an irritated face, and he’s not amused. He turns the stereo down again to talk to him.
“Stop touching me Jesse, I’m trying to drive. Which reminds me, I need to drop you off at home, so I need you to tell me where I can drop you off at. You don’t have to give me your address I don’t care, but I do need to drop you off, as I need to get home myself.”
Jesse turns the radio up again, and sits back in the seat with his arms crossed, ignoring Russell and looking out of the window. Russell looks at him, and shakes his head. Jesse then starts to become angry and defiant. The fact Jesse is testing him this way, makes Russell impatient with him. He yet again turns the stereo down, and begins to attempt to get an answer out of Jesse.
“Well, I’m gonna drop you off now. I gotta get home because I’m tired, and we can hang out some other time I promise. Just tell me where to drop you off at.”
Jesse gives Russell an agitated look, and doesn’t respond to him. Immediately following that, Jesse once again increases the volume of the car stereo. He relaxes himself in the seat more, sitting with his head back, and his arms crossed, looking out the window. Russell being extremely fed up, drives towards the exit ramp, and moves off the highway. Continuing off the highway, down a street. The music still blaring in the car, Jesse sits relaxed in the passenger seat. Russell is trying to keep calm towards this, and lowers the volume on the stereo again.
“If you don’t tell me where you live, I’m going to drop you off at
some random place, because I’m not your babysitter or your bodyguard. I have shit I need to do, and I need to go home and rest. So tell me where I can drop you off at please.”
Jesse this time laughs at what he said, and continues to ignore him. He turns the radio up, and starts to dance and mime to the music. Russell being very irate and stressed at this present time, acting strictly on impulse, starts driving to an unknown location. After passing a few streets, he turns into an abandoned department store parking lot. This is a very desolate and terrifying location, and there are no other cars in the parking lot, and being in this location gives a very unsettling vibe. Jesse looks around in fear and shock, and in total confusion. Russell then lowers the volume of the radio down, turns the ignition off, and unlocks the car doors. He then directly looks at Jesse in a very strict manner, and forces his seatbelt off him. Jesse looks at him in total shock not knowing how to act, but Russell doesn’t hold back how he feels.
“Get the fuck out of my car right now. I was patient with you, and I let you get away with touching me inappropriately twice, and I was nice to you, but no more Mr. Nice guy. Jesse, it’s been a lovely time, but I need you to get out my car. So please get out of my car.”
Jesse continues to look at Russell with an appalled face, and refuses to get out of the vehicle. He is very shocked that Russell is acting this way towards him, and wasn’t envisioning this type of behavior from him at all. Russell then loses more of his patience, and reaches over the passenger seat, and flings the door open. He then points out to the desolate parking lot.
“Yes, so I’m gonna need you to get out. So get out before I throw you out.”
Jesse then looks around the parking lot for a few seconds, and then closes the door. He becomes comfortable and sits back in the chair, folding his arms together as if he had authority in this particular situation. He has no intentions of listening to Russell, and has his own agenda in mind. He turns up the volume of the stereo in Russell’s car and sits tightly.
Russell puts his hands over his face, feeling very tired and frustrated. He is scared that he is going to turn violent, as Russell does have a sharp temper at times. It’s during events like this which causes him to lose patience with others, and to discontinue his gratitude. Jesse continues to listen to the blaring music playing, and relaxes himself in the seat. Russell then loses control, and in a tirade cuts the car stereo off and runs out of the car, shutting the door behind him. Very angrily, he marches himself over to the passenger side door and tries to open it. This fails, as Jesse has quickly locked the doors from the inside. Jesse looks at him in amusement and laughs, while turning the car stereo up on high volume dancing and miming to the music. Russell takes his key fob out and attempts to unlock the door, however Jesse is quickly locking the door in the same process. Russell runs his hands through his hair, and crosses his arms, staring at Jesse in disappointment and in anger.
He allows Jesse to act childish, and continue this game for a couple minutes or so, before he returns to the passenger side door, to unlock it. Jesse steadily locks the door as soon as Russell tries to unlock it using his car remote. Russell then returns again to letting Jesse milk this moment, and just stands and watches him from outside his car. He is thinking to himself that he will get restless at some point, and eventually cave in. Jesse continues to act very immature and to Russell for another few minutes or so.
However, he starts to become bored soon, and figures to himself that enough is enough and he’s not going to torture Russell anymore. He cuts the radio off and sits back in the seat, and finally decides to give in, and allow Russell to open the door. Russell one final time unlocks the car using the key fob, and this time he is able to open the door. Like he was a professional wrestler, Russell grabs Jesse up from the seat and flings him towards his back, carrying him. Because Russell is much larger and stronger than Jesse, he sadly cannot defend or protect himself from this. Russell while still carrying Jesse, carries him quite a distance from the car, towards a delivery truck dock station of the defunct department store, and sets him down on an elevated ramp. He then slightly out of breath looks at Jesse, and begins to talk to him in a very frightened and puzzled tone.
“What’s wrong with you? Are you a psychopath? I’m not being funny, I’m really concerned and scared of you. Where did you come from? Who are you? It’s like you’re an entirely different person from earlier tonight. Who exactly are you?”
While still sitting down, Jesse looks down towards the ground for about thirty seconds, then directs his head up looking at Russell, and starts to cry. Russell looks at him feeling confused, and not knowing how to react or what to say either. Jesse then while sobbing and trying to gather himself, responds to Russell.
“Russell, you’re such an asshole, I swear to god. You were really gonna leave me here out in the middle nowhere? I should be asking you those same questions. I might be a psycho, but you’re like the epitome of that, and in a whole another ball park and level.”
Russell then puts one hand over his mouth, and looks up at the sky. Jesse is still crying, and wiping his tears with his hands. Russell watches him for a few seconds, then reaches into his pocket and takes out his handkerchief and starts to wipe Jesse’s face and nose.
“If I was a psycho, I wouldn’t be doing this, now would I?”
Jesse then starts to laugh at Russell, while he’s cleaning his face. Russell then decides to take a seat on the ramp next to Jesse. He sits with his hands in his pockets, and stares out into the desolate area. They both sit in silence for a minute or so, then Russell starts to converse with Jesse, displaying an act of kindness towards him.
“Okay, you can spend the night at my place tonight. But just for tonight; tomorrow, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay. I’m not your bodyguard. Okay?”
Jesse who is still wiping his face with Russell’s handkerchief, then smiles at Russell and starts to laugh. He then asks him a question.
“Russell, you think I’m crazy don’t you? Well I’m not crazy, I’m just different. You’re different as well, so I figured you would understand. Clearly I was wrong.”
Russell who is still looking away from Jesse, answers him.
“Yes I think you’re crazy, but you know what, I’m crazy too, so it’s okay. I’m just really tired and that’s probably why I’m acting so berserk like this. But I did ask you multiple times where I could drop you off at, and you continued to bullshit with me.”
Jesse who is continuing to wipe his face with Russell’s handkerchief, looks up at Russell and in a depressing way, replies to him.
“Russell, I told you that I didn’t want to go home, and you didn’t listen. I kept giving you hints that I wasn’t going to separate from you, at least not tonight. So I don’t feel I did anything wrong, and it’s your fault for not understanding, and wanting to leave me in this unsafe place.”
Russell while still looking out in the distance away from Jesse, responds.
“Well, I also put my foot down towards you many times. I made it clear that I wanted to go home, and we could hang out some other time. Again, I’m not your bodyguard and I’m not your goon or some toy that you can play with whenever you want. I’m a human.”
Jesse then intentionally puts Russell’s handkerchief in his pocket, to which in his peripheral vision Russell saw him do it. Jesse then starts to lament himself to Russell.
“I’ve just had bad luck all my life. Being black and gay I feel like I’m living some type of curse. I’ve never had a family, and my mother died before I got to even get to know her. Seeing Jennifer and Peter killed today, was unbelievable. That could have easily been me Russell. The fact you, me and Yvette survived that, I just don’t understand it at all.”
Russell continues to look out into space, yet still carefully listening to Jesse, who continues to express his concerns and deep emotions he kept buried and concealed.
“I don’t have any friends, I felt Peter possibly only hired me for affirmative action reasons,
as I feel I was hired just strictly because I was different. I’ve never worked in a bank before, and I feel I’m not supposed to be here, and the two of us were never supposed to meet or come together. It’s fucked up because I really like you, yet hate you Russell. I don’t know.”
The both of them continue to sit together while both analyzing the situation they are currently in. Jesse is clearly feeling depressed at the moment, and is using this time to seek empathy from Russell, or at least try to. He is aware that emotions are running high, and he’s willing to share and risk deep personal traits of himself to Russell. Jesse continues to cry out.
“I moved out here to LA and to California for school and because this was supposed to be an open minded area, and I dropped out. I didn’t know what to study, and I feel so lost. I don’t know why I’m here, and what I’m supposed to do. I feel like an alien sometimes.”
Jesse then incidentally rests his head on Russell’s shoulder, and stares into the distance along with him. Looking at the night sky, and observing the barren and desolate shopping center. Russell then in this moment as well reveals more personal issues about himself, in an effort to make himself more comfortable with Jesse.
“My parents died when I was young, I never knew them. Growing up I’ve always been a chunky guy so I’ve dealt with shit for that. I was also the weird kid that they avoided and stayed away from. I was into science fiction stuff and paranormal stuff. I liked horror movies a lot.”
Jesse while still having his head on his shoulder, continues to listen to Russell, and starts to close his eyes. Russell continues to describe his personal matters to Jesse, and finding common emotional ground for them both.
“I’m not originally from LA. I’m from Wisconsin actually. “The Cheese State” … ha. Yeah California is pretty cool I guess. This place can get a little wild I suppose. But I like it. I also like politics and money, and that’s why I went into banking…, not anymore. I’m probably at this point gonna consider going into stock exchange, I never want to work at a bank again.”
Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained Page 11