Restrictions

by Nicole Dykes

  She looks away and goes back to watching the screen. “Just watch the movie.”

  I turn back to the screen as well, but my mind is going over all the information I learned tonight.

  She’s been through hell and had to fight to be a mother, but I don’t want her to miss out on life. I know Colt wouldn’t want that either.

  I’ve been avoiding Asher. I know I have. I shouldn’t, but our talk a few nights ago in the theater room was overwhelmingly honest.

  I’ve never talked with anyone about getting pregnant in high school other than telling Lincoln about Sebastian, but that was quick with no details.

  Telling Asher I lost my virginity to his brother on a whim was humiliating. And I’m not sure why I did it other than I’m tired of holding everything so close.

  He hasn’t pried any more since that night, and maybe he’s avoiding me too because besides meals with Sebastian, I haven’t really seen him much.

  “Be careful, sweetheart.” It’s chilly for late August and has been raining most of the day, but Sebastian still wanted to go swimming, so we put on our suits and went down to the basement. I sit on the edge of the pool, letting my feet dangle in the water as Baz plays in the shallow part right next to me, climbing up the stairs and dipping into the water cautiously. I’m looking at my phone, going over my class schedule because school starts tomorrow.

  But my mind is on Asher and his face when he found out I’ve only had sex one time in my life. God, he thinks I’m a freak.

  “Whoa!” I look over in time to see Baz slip on the watery step and hit his mouth on the ledge.

  “Baz!” I drop my phone in the water as I jump in and grab him, his little face distraught and bleeding. “Oh my god. Are you okay?”

  He places his hand over his mouth, wailing, and I see the blood as I pull him out of the pool and run, holding him against my chest as I make it to Asher’s room.

  “Asher!”

  He’s lying on his bed, shirtless and in sweats with bedhead, but he’s awake and on top of the comforter. He jumps up and runs to me. “What happened?”

  “He slipped in the pool.” I try to collect myself, but I’m shaking with fear as Asher takes Sebastian from me and looks at his face, quickly grabbing a washcloth from his bathroom, wetting it, and putting it over Baz’s lip.

  He places Sebastian on the bed and kneels in front of him, his muscles flexed tight as he examines him. The whole time Baz has been screaming with big fat tears sliding down his cheeks. My heart breaks. “We should take him to the hospital.”

  Asher is calm and cool. “Just a second.” He lifts the washcloth and looks at Baz’s bottom lip, it’s swollen, but the cut isn’t deep and has already stopped bleeding. He looks over his shoulder at me. “He’s okay.” He turns back to Baz. “What happened, little man?”

  Sebastian sniffles and pokes out his bottom lip. “I fell. I hurt myself.” His voice is so sweet, and I’m finally able to breathe again when I hear it without the hysterical screaming.

  Ash smiles and ruffles his hair. “Yeah, I can see that. You’re one tough kid.”

  I watch the pride on my son’s face as he smiles. “I know.”

  “We’ll get you an icepack, and you’ll be good as new, little man.”

  “Will I have a scar?” He looks hopeful that he might.

  Asher laughs and stands up. “I don’t think so. I guess you’ll have to try harder next time.”

  “Asher . . .” I warn, and they both laugh at my horrified expression.

  Baz hops off the bed and places the washcloth to his lip again. “I’ll just keep this on it for a bit.”

  “Okay, buddy. Be careful though.” Asher nods his head in my direction. “Don’t want to scare your mom too much.”

  Baz giggles again and runs out of the room, heading into the room where I put some toys for him yesterday. He likes to be near Asher, so I figured he needed a play room down here too.

  My knees give out, and I slide down the wall, resting my elbows on my thighs as I grip my hair, still in my wet bathing suit.

  Asher leans down in front of me. “Viv, what’s wrong?”

  I look up at him into those playful, amused eyes. “He fell in the pool. I should have been paying closer attention. I was right there.”

  He tilts his annoyingly handsome head to the right and laughs, sitting down on his butt in front of me. My eyes linger a little too long on his sculpted abs and the sinewy muscles of his arm as he leans back on his hands. “Exactly, you were right there. He’s fine. It’s a split lip.”

  “I’ve never seen his blood before.”

  His eyebrows draw together. “What?”

  I know that sounds stupid when my son is three. “I mean, maybe when he had his vaccinations, but nothing like that.” I look down and see Baz’s blood on my black swimsuit and my skin where I held him to my chest.

  “Yeah, I’m sure that was scary, but he’s okay. Fuck, Viv. He’s going to get hurt. A lot.”

  I look up at him in alarm. “What? Why?”

  “He’s a three-year-old boy. He’s curious. He’s going to get hurt all the time. I mean shit, I think I broke my arm twice before I was twelve.”

  I’m horrified, and I’m sure my face reflects that. “Well, I can’t let that happen.”

  He sighs as if I’m a lost cause. “You can’t control everything. You just can’t. He’s going to get hurt. Humans are supposed to get hurt.”

  I shake my head, my fingernails digging into my scalp. “I can’t. God, what if it would have been worse.” I feel tears swell up to the surface of my eyes as I look at Asher. “I can’t fail, Asher. They want me to fail.”

  He knows I’m talking about my parents. “Fuck them.”

  I’m surprised by his reaction, although I’m not sure why. I need him to understand how serious I am. “I have to show them I can do this without their help.”

  “And you can. No doubt. You’re a great mother.”

  I shake my head and let my butt rest on the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, fighting all the doubts I’ve had since I found out I was pregnant. My mother told me it would be so easy to just get rid of the problem.

  That’s how she referred to Baz for the first three months. She told me every day how hard my life would be if I went through with it. How no man would ever want me. How I would always be doing everything alone. How I would fail.

  I’ve used it to fuel me, but I’m empty. I feel weak and out of control as my hands shake, and then I feel a warmth overcome me when my quaking hands are covered by Asher’s much larger, steady ones.

  I didn’t even notice his body moving closer to mine, but he’s now kneeling in front of me and letting our hands rest over my knees as he looks into my eyes. “Breathe.”

  “I can’t.” I hate how weak my voice sounds.

  Asher is strong and confident, his gaze unwavering. “Breathe. I’m sure this is because school is starting tomorrow, right? It’s nerve-wracking leaving Baz alone with a stranger. I know.”

  I nod my head stupidly. “I’ve never done that. He’s only been with my parents or your mother. Or you.”

  He nods slowly, being so patient and kind. “I know, but it’s only for a few hours, and then you’ll pick him up and he’ll tell you all about his day. You’ll tell him about yours, and it’ll be great.”

  “What if he cries?”

  Asher shrugs. “My money’s on you crying.”

  I sniff through tears but actually laugh. “Asshole.”

  “Yes, I am.” He chuckles and then releases my hands, moving to my side and wrapping an arm around me, his skin against mine. “You gotta loosen up.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “Yeah, and I’m going to continue to say that. You’re twenty-one. Your life is just beginning. Loosen up and live.”

  Asher’s life hasn’t been easy, although I’m sure it seems like it has on the outside. But I know a darkness lurks beneath the surface. I see it
every time anyone brings up Lincoln or Colt. Still, his optimism astounds me.

  Not much gets to him.

  “I’ll try.”

  “You promise?”

  For a moment, I let myself breathe and relax into him as I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder. “I promise.”

  I can’t see him, but I can feel his smile. “Good.” We’re quiet for a moment, and then he asks, “If your parents made you keep everything a secret, what made you tell Linc about Sebastian?”

  Sebastian was only a few months old when I went to Manhattan where Lincoln was living with Penelope to tell him the truth. I open my eyes and pivot slightly to look at Asher, who is now looking at me but keeping me in the comfort of his side. “They told me that no one could know. That it was my dirty little secret, but every time I looked at my sweet baby boy, all I could see was Colt Sterling.”

  His expression is pained at the mention of his brother, and I hate that I caused his features to darken.

  “I would see the way my mother looked at him with disdain, and then I saw the way my father would never look at him, and I just knew he deserved love.” Asher listens intensely as I continue, “I didn’t know much about the Sterlings, but I saw you all together a few times at country club events and at school. I knew there was love there, and I wanted that for Sebastian.”

  His pouty lips slide into a smile. “I’m glad you told us. I can’t imagine life without him.”

  His love for my son gives me a hope that was never put there by my own family. My parents were so furious when they found out I told the Sterlings about Sebastian, but I didn’t care. It felt right, and I’ve never regretted my decision even though my parents tried to tell me the Sterlings would sue me for custody and I would lose him. Why they cared, I have no idea, but I know they just wanted control over the situation. The Sterlings have been nothing short of incredible. “I’m glad too. So unbelievably glad.”

  He wraps his arm tighter around me, pulling me closer to his side. “You don’t need any help, Viv. You’re a badass, but I am here.”

  “What if you find someone?”

  I feel his body shake with laughter. “Find someone?”

  “Yeah, what if you start dating someone. We aren’t your responsibility, Asher. If you want to date, you can. You should. But then, what if you fall in love and leave?” I would be trying to do everything on my own, and I’m terrified I’ll fail.

  He laughs again and shakes his head. “Not gonna happen.”

  I look over at him, giving our bodies some distance. “It happens all the time, Asher. It could happen. One moment, you’re randomly hooking up and the next, you’re in love.”

  He’s still laughing and looking at me like I’m crazy. “I’ve seen love destroy, and I mean fucking demolish, lives. Trust me on this one, Viv, I’m not catching feelings for anyone.” I don’t relent, and he scoffs, “If for some crazy ass reason I lose my mind and fall for someone and move out, you would be 100 percent fine, and I would still be here for you and Baz.”

  I believe him, which is terrifying. “I don’t like relying on anyone.”

  “Yeah, after meeting your parents, I get why, but you can rely on me.” His eyes bore into mine, sending the message loud and clear.

  “Thank you.”

  “Just remember to breathe.” He nods down to my chest. “And now maybe you can get a suit that’s made for a hot twenty-one–year-old instead of a fucking nun.”

  I roll my eyes at that. “This is not a nun suit.”

  “It is. Get a fucking bikini and rock that bod you work so hard for.”

  I laugh as Baz runs in and jumps on Asher’s lap, making him release me and wrap his arms around Baz, lifting him into the air, swollen lip and all.

  “I hate your honesty,” I say as I look down at the plain black one-piece.

  Asher laughs, tickling Baz and bringing him back down to his lap. “No, you don’t.”

  No. I don’t.

  I unlock the front door to the house and walk inside, trying to be quiet. It’s not super-late, but Baz is probably tucked into bed. I had a long day with it being the first day back, and I’m glad to be home.

  Home. Huh. I guess it’s my home for now.

  Viv greets me with a smile from her seat on the white sofa in the living room. Why she went with white furniture I’m not sure because Baz is going to have them all different colors in no time. “Hey, busy day?”

  I nod, closing the door behind me and sitting on the cushioned ottoman in front of her. “Yeah. Most of my classes are in the afternoon, and then I had to meet with my advisor, and he only had an evening appointment available.”

  “There’s chicken in the fridge if you’re hungry.”

  She looks tired, but so damn pretty. She’s not dressed like the thousands of other co-eds I saw on campus today, mostly wearing shorts and casual tees. Not Viv, she’s in dark washed jeans and a silky blouse, her hair smoothed to perfection and makeup still intact. “Thanks. I grabbed something on campus.”

  She nods, looking down at the open textbook on her lap.

  “So how was today?” She was so stressed yesterday. I thought she was going to have a full-blown panic attack when Baz got hurt. Honestly, it scared the shit out of me too when I saw her rushing into my room with blood on her and covering his little face, but when I saw it was just a split lip, I quickly recovered.

  Viv seems calmer today though, her eyes lift and meet mine. “Good. You were right. He had a lot of fun at daycare with the other kids and told me all about it. And I did cry when I dropped him off.”

  I shrug. “No biggie.”

  “He’s getting so big.”

  “He still needs you.” I see the panic in her eyes and smile.

  “I suppose.”

  “He in bed?”

  She nods her head, and I notice the worry. She carries so much with her.

  “You okay, Viv?”

  She raises her arms in the air, her shirt riding up and showing a very thin sliver of the skin of her taut stomach and then drops her hands in her lap. “Yeah. I’m fine. My mom called this morning to tell me that my father and she are dropping off a present for Sebastian tomorrow and then catching a flight to New York.”

  “That’s good news, right?” Them being in a different time zone, albeit only one hour, is a good thing.

  “Yeah. It’s good. It just means I’m truly alone.”

  I roll my eyes and sit next to her on the couch. “What do I have to do to get you to understand that you aren’t alone? I’m fucking here.”

  She tips her head to the side. “I know that, but you know what I mean.”

  “I don’t actually.” I know she thinks I’m going to get wifed-up and move out, but that’s fucking insane as I tried to portray during our talk yesterday.

  She sighs and then we both look toward the front door when the doorbell rings through the house. “Who would that be?”

  I jump up from the couch and run to the door, hoping whoever it is doesn’t ring the doorbell again and wake up Baz. I pull open the door, and Viv moves to my side. I see it’s Sawyer, and he’s not alone. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I nod behind him at Bianca and two other friends from school—Porter and Nadia.

  Sawyer’s grin is easy and totally unaffected by my obvious irritation. “Today was the first day back to class. Thought we’d celebrate.”

  He holds up a twelve-pack, and I see Bianca has a bottle of vodka in her hands. “No.”

  “Oh come the fuck on, man. You aren’t dead.” His eyes move to Vivienne, who has her arms folded and is obviously very nervous.

  I’m sure Vivienne is internally freaking out, considering not throwing a party is one of her very few rules, but she has to know I didn’t invite them over. “This isn’t a fucking frat house, but there are a ton of them. Go find one.”

  “Oh, come on.” He looks over his shoulder. “Four people is a party now?”

  “It’s fine.” I turn to Viv. “Really it’s
okay. Just, can you guys please go outside or down to your room?”

  “You don’t have to.”

  Sawyer pushes the door open further, walking inside, already embracing Vivienne’s forced approval. “Patio sounds good.”

  The other three unwanted guests file in, and Viv closes the door, turning to me. “It’s fine. Really. It’s your house too.”

  “You coming, Viv?” Sawyer pulls a beer from the twelve-pack, offering it to her.

  She waves him off politely. “No. Thanks. I have some studying to do.”

  “On the first fucking night? Come on, loosen up. Come hang.”

  I know I tell Vivienne to loosen up daily, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to deck Sawyer for bugging her. Still, I do want her to come outside for a bit.

  “Thanks, but you guys go have fun.”

  Sawyer shrugs and leads everyone out back, and I stay behind to talk to Viv for a minute. “I’m sorry. I swear I never even implied I would be cool with him stopping by with other people.”

  She smiles, her pale pink lips lifting from the previous frown. “It’s fine.”

  “You keep saying fine. Which means it’s totally not fine.”

  She laughs and looks out the large bay window of the living room. “Bianca, huh? And Nadia and Porter. I didn’t know they went to school here.”

  “Yeah, there are a lot of people from our school that go here. The ones that didn’t move across the country after graduation anyway.” I look out at the people I suppose I call friends, even if they annoy the ever-loving fuck out of me, and then turn back to Viv. “You should come out for a bit.”

  “No.” Her nose scrunches up, and it’s fucking cute how badly she wants to and frustrating that she is so afraid of disappointing her godawful parents that she won’t let herself do anything fun.

  “Come on. You have the monitor app on your phone so you can hear Sebastian. Come out for a drink.”

  “Warm beer doesn’t sound that intriguing.”

  I laugh. “Vodka then?”

  She shakes her head, but she’s biting her bottom lip, and I know she’s tempted.

  “You promised.”