Love Me

by Diamond Johnson

  I wanted this family thing to work because I never had it growing up. I wanted my kids to be able to experience what it felt like to have both a mother and a father in the home because I never got to even witness anything close to this. I tried to be the perfect mother and wife, but I was human, and I could slowly feel my body breaking down on me. Out of all the things that my husband could try to accuse me of, I never thought that he would think of me as the type of woman who had to force a baby on him.

  What did he think I wanted? Money? Cars? What exactly was it because since day one, all I ever wanted was to love him and for him to love me in return.

  5

  Journey Evans

  “Hi favorite brother in the whole wide world,” I said with my voice sounding phony as hell when I walked into Jaden’s room.

  He was sitting in a little chair that went with the driving came that he was playing on the PS4. His big headphones were on his ears as he held the controller in his hands and played the game like he was twenty-five instead of five years old. If our parents, or should I say if my mom let him, this little boy would sit there and play this game all damn day. Jaden was active and loved to play basketball outside, but I didn’t think he loved anything more than this stupid game. He loved this game the way I loved my phone. My phone that I was dying without.

  It was Saturday, and my mom had taken my phone from me on Monday, so it had been a long five days without it, and I felt like I was going to go crazy. Well, I was going to go crazy if I didn’t talk to my boyfriend. His name was Raheem, and he stayed in the same projects as my grandmother. That was actually how the two of us met. He was older than me; nineteen, to be exact. If my mom or dad found out about him, they would probably have a damn heart attack.

  I know you may be wondering why the hell was I kissing a boy from my school if I had a nigga of my own? The answer to that question is because I wasn’t thinking. The boy from school, his name was Milton. He was cute, and he’s had a crush on me since elementary school. The kiss kind of just happened. We were friends, and we would text here and there. Although I kept him in the friend zone, he made sure to let me know just about every chance he got that he liked me. The kiss sort of just happened. We hugged, and next thing I know, we were playing tug of war with each other’s tongues.

  I didn’t feel bad that we’d gotten caught and that I’d probably disappointed my parents. If anything, I felt bad because I cheated on Raheem by kissing Milton, although Raheem had cheated on me numerous.

  We couldn’t be official or out in the open with our relationship because of the age difference. Really, the only person who knew about us was my best friend, Nandi. Because we couldn’t be all out in the open with our relationship, it forced Raheem to deal with other girls. It hurt me, especially when I found out from him a month ago that a girl that he had been messing around with for quite some time had just given birth to his baby girl. I cried about that for weeks.

  My mom likes to think that I’m just the average girl who’s “smelling herself,” which is why I’m constantly acting out or shutting down, but in reality, I’m dealing with real life relationship shit just like her. I was a woman too. I lied to my mother in the car the other day about not having sex. I’d been having sex for the past three months, but again, of course, I couldn’t tell her that.

  “What do you want, Journey? The only time you’re ever nice to me is when you want something,” Jaden said, pausing the game and taking the headphones out of his ear.

  I laughed because his attitude was every ounce of our mother. Here I am, thinking that it would be easier trying to con him out of something over Jada. I knew that I couldn’t go to Jada because her and my mom were like damn best friends, and she would probably go back and tell my mom what I had asked her for, even if I told her to keep it a secret. Granted, my mom and Jada were lying down in the bed together taking a nap right now, but it was still just a chance that I didn’t want to take.

  “That’s not true, Jaden. Can I please hold your iPad? Mommy took my phone, and I just want to talk to my friends from school. You don’t want me to be happy too? You’re able to play your video games and go outside, while I’m forced to be in my room and do nothing. Jada has all her dolls too. Please, can I hold it?” I asked him, dropping down to my knees before him.

  I hated having to beg for anything, but I was desperate to talk to Raheem, and my little brother was my only option. My mom knew that I could text from my iPad and my MacBook, so she made sure she took away those things from me too. I loved my mama to death, but I swear to God her ass gets on my damn nerves. She’s too strict and acts as if she was never a kid.

  “Okay, you can hold it,” he said, standing up and going toward his dresser. He took the iPad off the charger and handed it to me.

  “Don’t tell Mommy you let me hold it,” I said and kissed his forehead before going over to his bed.

  I was just going to stay in there with it. That way, if I got caught with it, I could just lie and say that I was playing a game on it. I laid down on Jaden’s bed, propped my head up on three pillows, and quickly downloaded the textnow app. It took no time for the app to download and for them to assign me a number. I knew Raheem’s number like the back of my hand, so I quickly keyed it in and proceeded to send him a text message.

  Me: Hey bae, it’s Journey. My mom took my phone again, plus my laptop and iPad, so I had to sneak and use my little brother’s iPad in order to text you. I miss you, and I love you.

  I quickly sent out the message, and like an addict, I sat there itching and waiting for him to text back. I checked about five times, just to make sure that I’d texted the right number, and I had. Finally, the iPad made a dinging noise, and I quickly headed back to the app so I could read his message.

  Him: Yo! Come to the hood tonight and spend the night at your grandma’s house. I need to rap to you about something.

  Me: Okay. I will try and see if my mom will let me stay the weekend. What is it about?

  I swear it felt like hours had gone by before he responded. My palms were sweaty, and a little bit of sweat even appeared on my top lip because I didn’t know what he wanted to talk to me about. Knowing Raheem, he could be about to tell me that he had another baby on the way or something. It was just never any telling with him. Or that he needed to hold a few dollars, so then I was stuck and put in a fucked-up position where I had to steal money from my mom’s wallet again.

  I hated having to take from her because I knew that ultimately, she would give me everything I asked for, but I also knew that when it came to asking for money, I would damn near have to write an entire paper for her on why I needed it. With my mom dealing with me, plus my two little siblings and our dad, she never noticed when I took money. She had so much going on that she never remembered how much cash was left in her wallet in the first place, so I was always able to get away with it.

  Him: Just come. You’ll find out when you get here. You know where to meet me at.

  Me: Okay

  When thirty minutes went by, I kind of realized that he wasn’t going to text me back, so I quickly deleted the app and placed Jaden’s iPad back on the charger. I was feeling some type of way because Raheem never texted back and let me know that he loved me and missed me too. Then again, I had to keep in mind that he wasn’t as in touch with his feelings as I was, so he never really expressed his love for me, although I knew that he did love me.

  Whenever he would get a little money here and there, he would buy me nice bra and panty sets from Victoria Secret since my mom would never buy them for me. He’d also buy me jewelry, which I had to hide from my parents, so the only time that I was ever able to wear it was at school. When it came to being with Raheem, I just wished that I was a little bit older because I was tired of keeping what we had a secret. As much as I wanted to shout it to the whole wide world that I was his girlfriend, I knew that I needed to be careful because if the wrong person were to find out about our involvement with each other, his freedom could
be on the line due to long gap in our ages.

  Now, the hard part was going to be convincing my mom to drop me off at my grandma’s house without her feeling like I was up to something. For such a tiny person, I swear she was so hard. I didn’t even understand why my mom was so hard and tough on me the way she was. She wasn’t even old. She was only thirty-three years old, so I would have expected her to be cooler than she was. It’s crazy because my friends tell me all the time that they wish my mom was their mom, and I make sure to let them know that they better be careful what they ask for.

  From the outside looking in, I guess they see that my mom always makes sure that I’m dressed nicely, my hair is always done, they see the car that my mom drives, so they want that, but they don’t know that living with her was similar to being on damn probation. Any other teenager would probably think that I was just exaggerating, and I could be, but when you have a boyfriend that’s six years older than you, and he’s constantly making comments on how he wanted me to be a woman, I felt like I was rushing life. I didn’t want to be the little thirteen year old girl that my mom wanted me to be. Instead, I wanted to be the young woman that Raheem wanted me to be.

  I walked out into the hallway, and I made my way into my parents’ room. She was lying in the middle of the bed, knocked out cold, while Jada lay on her chest with her small arm wrapped around my mom like she was protecting her. They were sleeping so peacefully that I almost didn’t want to wake her up and ask.

  Looking down at my mom, I honestly felt bad for her. I wasn’t making her life any easier, and I knew that she was going through hell in her marriage with our father. I guess she thinks because she keeps her door closed while they argue that I don’t hear them, but I hear just about everything that takes place between the two of them. If they got a divorce, which is something that I was sure was going to be right up their alley pretty soon, I wouldn’t even care. It wouldn’t even feel like anything had changed because my dad was never there to begin with.

  I actually wanted them to split because I knew that once that happened, my mom would be too busy dealing with the heartbreak to be worried about me and what the hell I had going on. That isn’t to say that I wanted my mom to get her heart broken, but you know what I mean.

  “Ma. Ma,” I said, leaning over the bed and shaking her.

  Her eyes popped open and landed on mine. She’d been in this bed with Jada for the past two hours or so sleeping, so it was time for her to get up anyway.

  “What, Journey? What happened?” she asked, looking at me like I was crazy for waking her up from her sleep.

  “It’s boring here. Can you drop me off to Grandma’s house for the weekend?” I asked her.

  I put on my whiney voice, the one that I knew she couldn’t stand, but also the one that allowed me to get my way.

  “No! You’re not slick. You’re just trying to go over there so you can use the phone. I’ll take y’all to the movies or something tonight, but I’m about to go back to sleep,” she said and threw her head back on the pillow.

  “Ma, please! You can tell Grandma that I’m not supposed to be on the phone, so she’ll know. Please, Ma. I won’t ask you for nothing else,” I whined.

  Almost two minutes went by before she finally popped her eyes open and looked up at me again. Although my mom got on my nerves 99% of the time, I had to admit that she was easily the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen. All the boys from school were in love with my mama. On days that she would pick me up, they would purposely stand and wait in the car pick up area just so they could see her. Even my own boyfriend talked about how attractive my mom was.

  I was angry when he’d been going through my cell phone that I had at the time and was looking at my photo gallery. He damn near was drooling over my mom just from the picture alone. My anger didn’t last too long with him because he did let me know that I looked just like her. I knew he was lying because all my life, people have told me that I looked exactly like my father. That’s just how Raheem was. He had a way of putting things in my head that I knew for a fact wasn’t true, but because he was the one to say it, I was stupid enough to believe him.

  “Alright, but I’m not driving down there. Tell her to come and get you, and I’ll make sure she knows that your ass isn’t supposed to be on the phone. Close my door on the way out,” she ordered.

  I went over to her nightstand, where her phone was charging, and sent my grandma a text message asking her if I could spend the night this weekend and if she could come and get me. She let me know that she would be here in another two hours or so, so I used this time to pack my bags up and everything. I was smiling from ear to ear, knowing that I would see my man tonight. I made sure that I packed the sexy bra and panties that he purchased for me a while back because whenever we met up, he would always take me in the apartment that he stayed in with his mom, and we would go to his room to have sex. I also made sure that I shaved because he’d told me the day that I gave my virginity to him that he preferred me without hair down there.

  While I was getting my bag and everything ready, all I could do was pray that my grandma never moved away from the projects because I wouldn’t be able to see Raheem as often as I did without her staying there. Hmm, maybe when I get older, and my dad buys me that Mercedes that he promised me I would get when I turned sixteen, I could drive by to see him. Until then, this would have to do.

  That Night

  It was damn near one in the morning, and my grandma had finally taken her ass to sleep. She worked me like a damn slave this evening, making me clean up damn near her whole apartment, and then had the nerve to only pay me twenty dollars for it. If I knew that she was going to have me doing all of this damn cleaning, I would have stayed my ass at home. Who am I kidding? And miss a chance of seeing my man? I think not! My mom made good on her promise about telling my grandmother that I wasn’t supposed to be on the phone because as soon as my ass touched her car seats, she let me know that I better not touch her damn phone.

  My grandma wasn’t as strict as my mom, but she wasn’t a pushover either. My grandma and my mom were so worried about me being on the phone when that was honestly the least of my damn worries. I was showered and dressed plainly in a pair of black tights with a black tank top on. I had my feet in a pair of slides, and since my mom had dropped me off early this morning to get some lemonade braids, my hair was freshly done.

  I knew my man was going to be turned to the fullest when his eyes laid on me tonight. I’d snuck my mom’s L’interdit Givenchy perfume out of her room, so not only was I looking good, but I smelled even better. I walked over to the mirror and gave myself the once over as I applied a thick coat of lip gloss on my lips. I still had an innocent face, but honestly, there was nothing innocent about me. Luckily, Raheem didn’t decide that he wanted to see me last weekend because if he had, he would have seen me with the little bumps that had appeared on my forehead, which I was embarrassed about. I was able to use some of the creams that my mom occasionally uses for her face, and within days, they had disappeared.

  When my hair wasn’t in braids, I usually wore my real hair because it was so long that I really didn’t need weave. I’m not sure whether I inherited my good grain of hair from my mother or my father because they both had good textured hair. I know for a fact that my hazel eyes came from my dad, though. My slim thick build had to come from my auntie Sky because it damn sure didn’t come from my mom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I knew I was beautiful. I did one last pop of my lips, and I finally walked in the direction of the room door.

  Before I walked out of the house, I peeked into my grandmother’s bedroom, and she was still asleep. My grandmother wasn’t your average grandmother who took out her false teeth along with her wig when she went to bed at night. She was only fifty- five years old, but let her tell it, she was thirty-five. She was a light sleeper like my mother, so I prayed to God that she didn’t wake up from her sleep and check for me. She’d had a few drinks tonight, so hopefully, thos
e drinks would have her sleeping through the night.

  Man, my mom would probably send my ass to the damn army if she found out that I’d snuck out of my grandmother’s house to go and see my nineteen-year-old boyfriend and have sex. I didn’t even want to think about that, so I crept away from her bedroom door and headed down the long hallway. Unlike my parent’s house, my grandmother’s house didn’t have loud ass security systems, so I was able to quietly open the door. Once I successfully made it out, I used the spare key lock the door.

  One would think that this late at night, people would be inside their homes sleeping. Well, that was the case on my side of town. Over here, people didn’t believe in sleep. I quickly walked down the stairs and headed to the back, where I knew Raheem would be. My heart was beating fast as hell as I walked because there were so many men outside, and although it was dark out, I could feel eyes on me. A few dudes even reached out to grab my arm, but I snatched away and walked faster.

  “I’m right here,” I heard a deep voice call out from behind me. That made my heart melt because I knew who the voice belonged to.

  My back was to him, so I quickly turned around, and there he was. While I was smiling, his face held a mean mug to it, which wasn’t surprising because he was always this uptight. I stayed there for a few seconds, allowing the butterflies to take over my stomach and just appreciate how fine this man was. The outside lights were shining down on him, so I was able to see the light bright skin that made him almost look pale. One of the sexiest things about Raheem was the many freckles that he had on his face, which reminded me of cookie crumbs. He was tall; so tall that he looked as if he could play in the NBA. When he wasn’t looking all mean and was actually smiling, his mouth full of golds were on display.

  Tonight, his long hair was freshly braided in about ten braids that were going to the back. He was so handsome to me that I had no choice but to walk over to him, stand on my tippy toes, and wrap my arms around him. I instantly noticed that he wasn’t hugging me back. His body had tensed up, and his hands didn’t go for my waist or my ass like he usually did. When I looked up at him, in hopes that I could get a kiss, I knew that I wasn’t going to get one because his face was even harder than before.