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Poetry Collection Two: Cold Dark Difficult Truths

Page 2

by Ashley Rebecca Kingston


  I would never even think to ask, for you to change who you are.

  I'd rather shut myself down, turn around and just walk away.

  Love me for me,

  or fuck off.

  Whirl Wind In Sight

  January.27.2005

  from start to finish

  i don't know the plans

  i see no light, no path in sight

  wandering in circles

  life is a whirl wind, too many choices

  Why Keep Pushing

  January.20.2007

  A countdown

  always waiting, wasting time

  Using and being used

  to what avail

  Smile when being smiled at

  but where are all my friends

  Laughing to fill in space

  but who gets that last laugh

  Every day, is just the same

  continuing to drag on, with no real existence

  Why is there a need to fill the space

  to have so many useless accomplishments

  Why not leave things to just be

  to follow and accept the path that is set

  why push, why keep on

  Blur Of Yellow Lights

  January.28.2005

  everything is a blur,

  to my eyes

  there are only blots,

  of yellow light

  i don't know where,

  life really is

  only looking straight,

  into the light

  so blinding,

  is this so called life

  i contemplate in the dark,

  with closed eyes

  to the blur of yellow light,

  what is this life

  Beast

  January.21.2000

  I can feel the power, of the beast.

  Chained inside, my ribcage.

  The power, of the body.

  Feeding blood, to my breast.

  Every vein, is a chain,

  The beast can easily, break.

  But he doesn't, for he knows.

  If he cuts the flow, he will die also.

  So he lives.

  Inside my ribcage.

  Chained to my soul.

  Where at any moment.

  The beast can easily, take control.

  Can’t Keep Up

  Aug.16.2007

  I don’t want to do this anymore

  I don’t know if I can

  I feel like I am overflowing

  Running out of time

  Everything I wanted to do

  Has disappeared or I’ve given up on

  I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing

  I feel lost and wasted

  There has to be more for me

  I need there to be more

  I cannot keep up with the game

  Clear As The Light Of Day

  November.01.2012

  everything is so clear to me now

  I know what it is that I want

  yet the path is no less strewn with thorns

  with fears and with tortures of mistakes and difficulties to come

  it stings with the final knowledge of truth

  to have something so close at hand yet just out of reach

  everything is really too clear for me now

  I secretly desire the past days of confusion ignorance and denial

  these truths I feel curled inside trying to reach out and embrace life

  I can't deny what might seem strange and obscure and insane

  but I'd give anything to have him beside me again, with a babe inside, with a home, with a smile…

  I feel empty without these things occurring in my life right now

  I feel lost to not be living that life I vividly see escaping from my grasp

  I feel as if I'm barely holding on and there are no more chances left

  everything is crystal clear

  clear as the light of day

  the snapshots of my life gone past

  yet I do not know how, nor do I see the path that gets me to where I need to be

  life is the journey and right now mine is as clear as mud and as enjoyable as nails on a chalk board

  from day to day of lonely depressing darkness, how do I get to him from here

  everything for me is seen through a blinding haze of this city’s fake plastic bubble

  I Think I Could Have Run

  March.01.2004

  i knew it was happening

  i swear i could have run

  but i think i stayed right there

  i think it's because i don't care

  anymore

  i just can't take it

  anymore

  i try to keep fighting

  i try to keep living

  but i'm getting nowhere

  and i'm so tired

  i have nothing left

  i need to lie down

  to not give up

  but to give in

  what a failure i am

  Wondering On

  January.31.2004

  i cut myself,

  on purpose.

  when i was intoxicated,

  i thought in logic.

  i must have been thinking,

  that i had lost something.

  i wonder what i was thinking,

  when i was in pieces.

  probably that no one but me,

  can now save what is left.

  No One Knows

  September.18.2003

  I wipe my face, till I can feel it turning red.

  I cry, until I think I am blind.

  I am sure, no one could ever know.

  These things, that I've always felt inside.

  Or I wouldn't be able, to be left alone.

  I'd cut this life, from where it hangs.

  Just holding on, by some thin thread.

  No there couldn't be, anything else.

  That could burn, the way that this is.

  No I couldn't feel, any more lost.

  Even if I let myself bleed, to death.

  Imagine That Pain

  May.15.2007

  imagine the worst pain

  ever

  as if someone is ripping out

  internal organs

  like a fist inside

  wanting more

  wanting to bleed me dry

  i want to know why

  what was done to deserve

  such non-acceptance

  and hatred of who I am

  To Be Given A Chance

  January.20.2007

  Given a chance, to fill the space

  I revert back to patterns and plans, not creativity

  Given a chance, where have all of my ideas gone

  I feel I’m bled dry, no life to escape me, nothing to give

  But I must, the drive is still there, only the love is dwindling

  In a love hate relationship, but where is the pureness of life

  With all that has happened, with all the stories left untold

  Given a chance, I would do it all over again, but with more or maybe less control

  I feel so old inside, but I think all I have to do is try a little harder

  Given a chance, I would not lose or hide what I truly am inside

  Controls Me

  July.24.2011

  a streaming race of emotions

  i cannot control

  a need to shout and run away

  from the, are you okay? they ask only in passing

  i can't answer truthfully

  being truly me, I would be shunned

  no one understands

  this dark hole inside of me

  eating at me, pulling at me.

  i can't explain it even to myself

  this need to be, someone

  yet not near, anyone.

  the part i despise the most, is lack of the thing I most treasure, control.

  there is no controlli
ng this horribly abusive, powerful beast.

  it does seem to control me, most days, most situations

  or maybe it is my excuse

  Not Really Cared For

  January.17.2011

  when I open up and tell you

  the truth

  the painful reality that is me, really me

  i get a blank stare

  you really just don't care

  i let it out, emotionally i can't deal with this

  you disgracefully tell me to silence my voice

  it's a joke or misfortune to you

  to have been a part of this

  you have no understanding

  no compassion or acceptance

  i've never wondered why i'm not a lover,

  but a born fighter just to stay alive here

  To Get What In Return

  November.17.2012

  If I say it out loud,

  if those words escape my lips,

  I cannot take it back,

  it'll be too late for any regrets.

  So I said it out loud,

  every word precisely decided upon,

  every action and moment perfectly planned,

  and I was smiling as I did.

  Until the moment was gone,

  finished and so far out of reach now,

  I doubted what would come back to me in return,

  if it would be real or just another heartbreaking game.

  Into Who I Am Right Now

  October.15.2003

  i can start from, a beginning

  but it wouldn't change, a thing

  just to make a long story, short

  i didn't get enough, of any thing

  i was deprived, and left alone to cry

  i made myself, into who i am right now

  and then i'll die...

  Tip Over Me

  December.07.2004

  tip me over, let the water rush

  my blood isn't flowing,

  is there a pounding heartbeat

  can you not complete me?

  things are said, but nothing done

  promises made, and promises broken

  how can nothing i do,

  make a difference

  when i smile, great expectations should occur

  doors shouldn't close, arms should be wide open

  i guess i just expect, too much

  too high of expectations, or so i've been told

  To Feel The Blood

  May.30.2004

  i want to feel

  the searing pain

  i want to be the one

  causing the stain

  to watch it ooze

  up onto my skin

  feeling it start

  to get cold within

  i bleed too much

  and cry too silently

  i can't even scream

  too much anger to breathe

  there is no strength

  inside my soul

  to let myself just be here any more

  Too Emotional, Just Like A Little Girl

  May.30.2004

  my eyes are still

  hurting

  it stings to even

  blink

  i can't believe i still, cry

  just like some little, child

  i just can't control

  the pain

  it seeps out through my blood stream

  i can't do anything but die a little more inside

  yet everyone thinks i am still here

  a walking ghost

  among them unseen

  why am I always still surprised

  Welling Up

  November.09.2003

  I can feel it,

  welling up inside.

  Ready to overflow,

  ready to let it go.

  These feelings,

  of pure sickness.

  These feelings,

  of death combined.

  All of these things,

  are deep inside.

  And all of the sudden,

  I can't hold on.

  I Find Myself, Here

  February.26.2003

  I find myself holding, my head a lot.

  Closing my eyes.

  Sitting in silence.

  Being alone.

  Just trying to make sense, of my thoughts.

  Just trying to not drown, in them all at once.

  I find myself ready, to completely fall apart.

  Closing my eyes.

  Listening to my breath.

  Feeling my feet fall out from under me.

  I've tried to make sense, out of any thing.

  I've tried to stay together, but I just simply can't.

  So I find myself sitting, holding myself.

  Closing my eyes.

  Fighting the tears.

  Starting to cry.

  Just trying to be quiet, because I want to be alone.

  Just trying to find out, who I am in all of this sorrow.

  Not Strong Enough Right Now

  January.10.2004

  my back is killing me.

  my brain feels like it's going to explode.

  i get flashes of peoples eyes,

  staring...

  i can't believe, no matter how hard i try.

  why i can't be good enough,

  smart enough, pretty enough.

  i can't seem to be, who i am supposed to be.

  i can't breathe anymore.

  not like i ever have in the first place.

  i can't, i really can't do this any more.

  i am not strong enough...

  the fight, the battle is winning...

  and i don't think i can care any more.

  i am too weak, too tired.

  not strong enough...no air to breathe.

  Pulling To Be Alone

  August.17.2010

  crawling

  breathing quickens

  please leave me alone

  stop staring

  stop pressing

  stop acting like you know me

  like you think you know what i'm going through

  pulse beating, speeding

  i want to be left alone

  i want to run away from this place

  sickness fills me

  i gasp for words, for breath, for space

  Is My World

  February.20.2013

  I look wildly around

  I keep looking wildly around

  avoiding any eye contact

  avoiding feeling any judgment from the stares

  avoiding feeling anything but my inner insanity

  because that tragedy is my world

  I realize I am not wildly doing anything

  I accept the tragedy of my world is my own

  Missing Something

  July.25.2002

  I am missing something…

  something huge in my life

  similar to a puzzle piece

  deep down inside of me

  and I don't know what to do

  to fix this disfiguring loss...

  I feel like I am stuck in a trap…

  with all my doors slammed shut

  I am locked up tight with no escape or get away

  I can't find any way out

  I feel so empty with these missing pieces...

  I am missing something…

  like real people around

  like real true friends

  like a lover at night

  like my real true self…

  Something about me is missing…

  something inside me is askew

  in my life there is an emptiness

  I need to find my place in the darkness

  I need to find myself without them

  I need to put myself together

  with or without the missing somethings…

  The Crazy

  February.22.2011

  The crazy inside of me is… building

  I used t
o be so nice, so polite and proper

  … everyone agrees I've gone crazy

  I keep thinking I'm gonna snap

  just watch me, just keep on pushing me

  You don't care, you just want a show

  fill those mental homes with empty souls

  The crazy inside me wants… out

  I want out of this place before I lose all control

  Encompassed

  April.30.2007

  what happens when

  you

  see something

  devastating?

  what happens if you

  are

  the devastation?

  trapped, no breath, atrociousness

  memories, flashbacks, hallucinations

  wrecking guilt

  unclean… anxiety… terror

  only the innocence of a child

  could possibly

  … secretly endure…

  with so much we

  … bear

  where does it hide?

  where does it go?

  where is all of the

  dark horror inside?

  Lost In

  May.27.12

  I'm lost in the, what if's of my life.

  My mind just wonders, always wondering what if?

  All my hopes, cling to the person who last touched me.

  I keep re-living the moments, thinking I could be better, just give me one more chance.

  Thinking… if I plan out every detail, I can win him over for sure.

  Inside, I know, this is pathetic, I should be in the moment, living, not analyzing.

 

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