Paying for College - The Novel

by Kenneth Szulczyk

  Chapter 16

  Brothers, I jumped up and rubbed my eyes as someone stood outside and pounded on my door. He screamed, “Open up, now!”

  Drew jumped up, “What the fuck?”

  I my right eye flared up in pain as I rubbed my black eye by mistake.

  Drew jumped out of bed and ran to the door.

  The pounding continued.

  Drew opened the door, “Guys, what the fuck? We’re sleeping.”

  “Campus security.”

  “Oh.”

  “Are you Jax Gamble?”

  “Ah, ah no. He’s over there.”

  Before I could rise, two security guards stood at the end of my bed. “Are you Jax Gamble?”

  I nodded my head up and down.

  “Please come with us.”

  “May I inquire what this is about?”

  “It is urgent that you speak with Dean Tremaine.”

  “Is it possible to meet him later?”

  “Sir, that’s not possible. You must come right now.”

  “Alright, alright. I swung out of bed and started putting on last night’s clothes.

  I walked by a pale white Drew, who stood there looking at me with wide eyes.

  The security guards escorted me on both sides.

  As we went through the hallways, students opened their doors slightly to see what the commotion was about.

  We made it to the first stairwell and walked down. Then the security guards led me to their car. One guard scooted next to me while the other hopped in the driver’s seat and drove away.

  The guard parked at the fire hydrant at the back of the Business Building. Then they escorted me to Dean Tremaine’s Office.

  I glanced at the damage I did to both doors as we entered the Dean’s office. The Dean sat at his desk and looked up as we entered.

  One guard pulled out a chair, “Sit.”

  The Dean said, “Thank you gentlemen.”

  The guards left the office and closed the door behind them.

  I looked at the Dean while he glared at me.

  The Dean said, “I shall only ask you once. Did you break into my office last weekend?”

  I shook my head and uttered, “No.”

  “May I enquire your whereabouts this past weekend?”

  ”You mean the whole weekend?”

  The Dean snapped, “Yes, the whole weekend.”

  “Let me see. I’ve been at the dorms and the library. I think I walked to the downtown once or twice.”

  “Do you have a witness who could affirm and attest to your whereabouts?”

  “I stay with my roommate Drew in the dorms. We’d eaten together a couple of times at the cafeteria last weekend.”

  “You can be frank with me. I am here to help you.” Then the dean’s grin widened.

  “Thank you, sir. I know you want to help.”

  “Are you in possession of my antique chess set, or know who may have taken it by mistake?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, “Nope. I don’t have your chess set. Sir, I don’t even play chess.”

  “We are very fortunate the suspect or suspects left a biological sample in my office. The police couriered the sample to the state police headquarters for DNA testing.” The Dean continued glaring at me.

  “Really? What kind of biological sample?” I looked at the surface of the desk where I took a dump, and that must’ve been some radioactive tacos because my wastes had eaten some of the finish from his desk.

  “By next week, we shall determine the culprits identity?”

  Brothers, I will admit. The Dean’s statement did frazzle me a little. I didn’t think about the DNA test. Oh bum-bailiff. Could scientist extract DNA from feces?

  “Do you grant the police permission to collect a DNA sample from you?”

  I told myself, don’t be nervous. Don’t show any signs. Just be cool. I looked into the Dean’s eyes, “That shall be no problem.” I rolled up my sleeve, “They can try to take blood from my arm if they want, but the university has already sucked me dry.”

  The Dean pointed his finger at me, “If I can prove that you had broken into my office, I will expel you from the university. I will ensure that criminal record follows you for the rest of your life, and not a single university in this great country will entertain your admission.”

  I just sat there and glared at the Dean.

  “But if you cooperate with the investigation, I may convince the disciplinary board to place you on probation, and you have the possibility to continue your studies.”

  Brothers, I know I would be a real dumbass to confess now. If the Dean really had anything, the police would detain me. Besides, I didn’t trust the dean. I knew he was a lying, conniving bastard who will say anything to extract a confession from me. Then he would expel me from the university and ruin the rest of my life.

  “This is your last chance to show your dignity and admit to your mischief.”

  Brothers, I was scared. I looked down at my trembling arms and crossed them in front of me. I told myself, don’t show fear in front of adversity, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you want to expel me, go ahead and expel me. But I’ll hire an attorney and sue the university.”

  The Dean continued staring at me.

  I continued, “Lawsuits can create bad publicity for the university. Bad publicity could harm careers of deans aspiring to be university presidents.”

  “Young man, you have chosen strong words.”

  “Are we done here? I’ve done nothing wrong. May I go now?”

  “I have not concluded my investigation. May I ask how you sustained those injuries on your face?”

  “I tripped while I was jogging yesterday.”

  The Dean smirked and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. Then he made a shooing motion with his hand, “You may go for now, but mister, we are not through.” Then he pointed his finger at me, “I will find out who vandalized my office and stolen my prized chess set. Do you understand me?”

  “Good luck with your investigation.” I rose and left the Dean’s office. As I walked outside the door, one of the guards snapped, “Jax Gamble, come with us.”

  “Gentlemen, where’re we going?”

  The two security guards escorted me to the car. We all climbed into the car.

  Brothers, I’m not sure why I said it, but I said it, “Could we go through the McDonald’s drive-thru and get a Sausage McMuffin with cheese?”

  One guard looked at me, “You’ll get all the sausage McMuffin in the shower room at the Hudson state correctional facility.

  Both guards started chuckling.

  I’ll pass on your kind offer,” I said, but brothers, these pricks would not serve me breakfast. Instead, we drove to the Campus Security’s headquarters, hidden on the other side of campus near the campus warehouses.

  The guards led me into their office, where we sat at an ancient wooden table that the university probably found at a landfill.

  One guard asked, “Would you like some coffee?”

  “Sure, why not.”

  He placed a Styrofoam cup of coffee in front of me, and I took a sip and winced. I asked, “Do you have a license to sell that stuff. It’s quite strong.”

  “Let’s get down to business. Were you near or inside the business building at any time this past week?”

  “Of course, I go there about ten times a week. Most of my classes are there.”

  “I mean this weekend?”

  “The business building? I don’t recall. I don’t think so.”

  “Do you give us permission to search your dorm room?”

  “Why do you want to do that?”

  “We ask the questions here. Do you give us permission to search your dorm room?”

  “Sure, why not? I have nothing to hide.”

  One guard scooted back on his chair, went to his desk, and browsed through some papers. Then he returned to the table and placed a consent-to-search form in front of me and put a pen across it.


  I picked up the pen and scribbled my signature.

  The guard took the paper and left the room.

  I took another sip of my coffee, “Hey, this coffee’s not bad. May I get another?”

  “You should take these proceedings seriously. You are facing several serious charges – breaking and entering a public building, felonious theft of state property, defacing state –“

  “It sounds like I better get another cup of coffee then. We’ll be here all day.”

  The guard’s face reddened, “defacing state property. Failing to comply with a police investigation.”

  “I don’t want to sound rude or anything, but you guys are not real police officers.”

  The guard grinned, “Well smart guy. You don’t know much about the state law. We’re certified by the state as police officers.”

  “What? I didn’t realize that. May I ask, why does a university need real police officers?”

  The guard pointed at the certificates hanging on the wall near his desk.

  I looked at the certificates, “Wow, you’re trained as a professional interrogator. Why does the university need a trained interrogator?”

  “To fight crime.”

  “I didn’t realize the university had such a crime problem as to necessitate the hiring of a professional interrogator.”

  The guard stared at me.

  I looked at the officer, “It sounds like I need a lawyer.”

  The guard laughed.

  “I want an attorney present. You also didn’t read my Miranda rights?”

  “Miranda who?” The guard kept laughing.

  I continued, “Then whatever information you get from this interrogation will not be admitted in a court of law.”

  “Then you should have read the form you signed. You waived your Miranda rights when you signed the consent to search form.”

  “I would like to leave.”

  “After you give a DNA sample?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Ah, so you’re guilty?”

  “No, I’m not guilty.”

  “An innocent person wouldn’t hesitate to give a DNA sample or comply with an investigation.”

  “Okay then. Go ahead and take a sample.”

  The guard looked surprised. Then he rose and walked to his desk and retrieved a plastic bag. He pulled out a cotton swab, “Open your mouth.”

  Brothers, I’ll admit. I knew the security guards would find no link between me and my mischief except that DNA sample that I left cooling on Dean Tremaine’s desk. Clatterfart! Damn those atomic tacos.

  I opened my mouth while he brushed the swab along my gums. Then he deposited it into a plastic vial.

  He placed a form in front of me, “Sign it.”

  I read the document this time. As I was signing the form, I asked, “Oh yeah. The Dean said something about a biological sample. What was the sample?”

  “We’re not at liberty to say.”

  The guard placed the DNA kit on his desk, and he sat at the table again right across from me, “Do you consent to a polygraph test?”

  “No, I do not consent.”

  “Ya know, an innocent person would not hesitate to take a polygraph test to prove his innocence.”

  “That’s not true. I know lie detector tests are not admissible in a court of law.”

  “Well, whoever told you that was wrong?”

  “Oh come on. A university professor taught us that last week in psychology class. Those tests are unreliable.”

  “Psst. What do professors know? Those tests are ninety-five percent accurate.”

  “No, my professor said the tests are accurate anywhere between forty and seventy percent.”

  “Your professor is wrong.”

  “He’s not wrong. He also has no incentive to lie or mislead suspects.”

  “We have a trained expert in polygraph testing. He said it’s ninety-five percent accurate.”

  “It doesn’t matter. They’re still not admissible in a court of law.”

  “Yes, they are.”

  Right then brothers, I knew. The police will lie to suspects if they think it strengthens their case. That was the technique of interrogation – just get the defendant to talk. It doesn’t matter what the defendant says. The police will record everything accurately and scrutinize every word the defendant has uttered. If the police find one discrepancy, never mind how small or insignificant that discrepancy, the defendant is charged with perjury. But if the police lie, that’s okay. They’re doing their job, protecting the public from the criminals.

  The guard asked, “Do you consent to a polygraph test?”

  I looked down at the table and kept my mouth shut.

  The guard studied me.

  I stopped talking, and we looked at each other for about thirty minutes. Then the other guard returned.

  “Did you find any evidence?”

  “Nope. He’s clean.”

  I said, “I want to leave.”

  “You may go, at least for now.”

  “Could one of you give me a lift to the dorm?”

  The guards started laughing.

  “What’s so funny? You guys brought me here. It would be polite to return me where you found me.”

  When they stopped laughing, one security said, “Sure. I’ll take you back when I go to lunch. Just wait outside by the door.”

  I looked at the clock on the wall, “I supposed you don’t have lunch around 10 o’clock.”

  “Nope. Sometimes twelve or later.”

  “Thanks for the offer.” I walked to the dorm. As I entered the familiar halls of the dormitory, students looked away when they saw me approaching. As I had passed them, they would stare at me.

  As I walked into the dorm room, Drew looked over, “Dude, what the fuck happened? Everybody is talking about you. A security guard searched our dorm room.”

  “Apparently, someone broke into the Dean’s office this weekend.”

  “No way.”

  “I know, it’s unbelievable.”

  “So the Dean thinks you broke into his office?”

  “I believe he does.”

  “Wow, dude. You’re in real shit now.”

  “I know. Could it get any worse?”

  “I mean look at this place? Who’s going to clean this up?”

  I looked around. Every drawer was pulled opened and all the contents dumped onto the floor. Everything was pulled out of the closet and tossed on the room’s floor.

  “Thanks for the concern about my safety.”

  “Your safety. You’re the one who had to fuck with the Dean and his daughter.”

  “But I said I didn’t do it.”

  “You still went for his daughter.”

  “Alright. Alright. Don’t worry. I’ll tidy up.”

  Drew started smiling. Then he asked, “So, what was stolen?”

  “I think the Dean said an antique chess set. And a biological sample.”

  “A biological sample?”

  “Yup, a biological sample.”

  “What was the nature of the biological sample?”

  The police would not say, but they rushed it to the state capital for DNA testing.”

  “Damn, DNA test. You must be shitting your pants?”

  “Nope. I’m not worried.”

  “So where’d you hide the chess set?”

  “C’mon man. If I had the chess set, don’t you think the police would have found it? Look at this place.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Well, I’m going to lunch. And I want this room spotless before I return.”

  “Yes, momma.”

  Drew stomped out of the room and slammed the door shut. Brothers, who could blame Drew? He left for lunch and left me behind.

  I pulled out my cell phone and surfed the internet for the feces’ question. Brothers, believe it or not, scientists can recover DNA from fecal matter. Wow, who knew? Note to self, don’t leave any biological samples behind on future tr
ansgression of the law.

  I put my phone on the desk, plopped several more tablets of aspirin into my mouth, and started putting everything back where it belonged. Even Drew’s mood improved when he returned to the dorm room and saw the spotless room. Of course, the room was much cleaner now than before the security guards had arrived.

  Of course, my notoriety dissipated quickly over the next several days as everyone fell into routine at the dorm. I guess the Dean would bruise his inflated ego if he reported the break-in to the police or upper management. How could he let a student get the best of him? So he used the security guards to scare me into confessing. I guess that’s why the Dean waited several days before playing that little charade. At least I don’t have to worry about scientists at the state capital analyzing my feces for evidence. Hopefully, the state has more serious crimes to investigate.