Unapologetic for My Flaws and All

by Charlena E. Jackson

Text: Monday, 8:37 p.m.

  “Okay, play your games. I’m done!”

  Text: Monday, 9:14 p.m.

  “Bree, I know you see me texting you.”

  Text: Monday, 9:53 p.m.

  “So, it’s like that now?”

  “Cool. Whatever.”

  Here we go again. I am so over his ass. I need to break up with him. Every time I think about breaking up with him I feel like I am going to miss out on something. In all honesty, my mind is playing tricks on me because I do not want him to be with anyone else. I put in a lot of work, love and time. Maybe my work is done. Maybe my time has run out. And just maybe my love has run its course because there’s nothing left to do but to let go. We’ve been a couple for over two years now and it has been hell since day one.

  Well, I wouldn’t say it’s been all hell, but most of it has been very challenging. We have our good days, but those are very rare. I always make up excuses as I tell myself, we all have our ups and downs, things are not always going to be easy, and if we want something to work we have to put in the work, time, love, and dedication. When I face reality, it’s different. It’s more work, more stress, and love doesn’t conquer our relationship.

  I am a smart girl. My daddy always says when being in a relationship you cannot be blind and ignore the signs. I’ve seen so many signs, and guess what? I ignore them every single time.

  Brian and I got into an argument the other day. He thinks I have so much time on my hands, but I don’t. I have a lot of responsibilities, and most of the time I am last on my list – or not even on my list. He acts like he cannot understand that I have to submit my college applications, I have tons of classes, work, and I am in different clubs and activities around campus. He is very busy too, but I do not nag the shit out of him.

  Last Saturday, I called off work to make time for our relationship. I thought a lot about what I wanted to do. I wanted to make it special. I packed a lunch for us and laid out a blanket in the park. We had a nice peaceful picnic as we sat on the grass, swung on the swing, and enjoyed the city view. We stayed there all day until after the sun fully set.

  Just last Wednesday, we went skating. We had a good time. After skating, we went out to eat and topped it off with ice cream from Baskin Robbins.

  Brian transferred to our school three years ago. He tried out for varsity football and the basketball team. I am captain of both the basketball and football cheerleading teams. We had our eyes on each other for a while, and he made his first move on the bus on an away football game. I was cold and he put his jacket around my shoulder to warm me up. He was so sweet as he put his sweater on my legs to cover me up after seeing me shiver. Needless to say, it took off from there.

  As I lay in the bed I start to smile because he is so handsome. His dark luscious chocolate skin makes me have butterflies. His smile is ridiculously cute. He has straight pearly white teeth. His dimples are to die for. He is always groomed from his low top fade and his sick hairline that is always so crisp and straight. He is very stylish and looks like an athlete with his hot-ass body. Can you say six-pack, toned arms, and ripped muscles on his back? I can look at him all day during practice. Ahh, now I see why I haven’t broken up with him. He is too fine to let go. I can’t help but smile when I think about…

  Ring. Ring. (Trey Songz I’m Already Taken is my ringtone for Brian)

  (Dry tone) “Hello, Brian.”

  His voice sounds relieved, “Bree, are you up?”

  “Of course, I am up, Brian. I answered the phone,” I say, trying not to sound sarcastic.

  His voice deepens and rises at the same time with madness, “Bree, it was messed up that you didn’t text me back last night.”

  “Good morning to you too, Brian,” I say calmly as I rolled my eyes.

  His voice got louder, “Bree, I swear, you be tripping.”

  Once again, I said in a calm voice, “Good morning to you too, Brian.”

  He started to yell, “Why didn’t you answer the phone last night? I called you over and over again. No answer! I was looking like a damn fool texting after I called!”

  “Good morning to you too, Brian,” I said again in a firm voice, thinking to myself, I am not going through this shit today. It is too early.

  He paused, took a deep breath, “I am not playing games this morning, Bree.”

  I put my longest finger on the red button on my phone – basically saying without words, fuck you, Brian, as I said, “Goodbye, Brian.”

  When I was about to hang up, I heard him yell, “Bree! Wait! Don’t hang up, Bree!”

  “I said good morning to you three times. I am not going through this shit again today.” I told him in an ‘I-don’t-give-a shit’ tone.

  He yelled, “Good morning, Breana! Are you happy now?”

  “No, I am not. I will talk to you later, Brian,” I answered. As I put the bird finger on the red button all I heard was him yelling my name, “Bree! Bree! Bree!”

  I hung up on Brian. It was too early to be going through this nonsense. Before I answered the phone then, I was going to say I can’t help but smile when I think about his outward appearance. …Wish I could say the same about his personality. He just killed my vibe. All I can think of is—why do I let him do this to me?

  Most of the time when I talk to him, I can never get out of bed on the right foot without having any drama.

  I should stay in bed and call it a day.

  I have one foot hanging off my bed as I pulled the covers back over my face (more stuff falls off my bed) for one minute to regroup.

  Ring. Ring. (Google Duo from Chloe) Ugh. Forget it. Today, no such thing as regrouping.

  Chloe is my best friend. She and I have known each other since third grade. Sometimes she really gets on my last nerve too, but she’s like a sister. We have our ups and downs; break up to make up. I wouldn’t ever want to lose her as a friend. I believe she is the only true friend I have. Chloe has that ‘I don’t give a shit attitude’. She be playing these boys like a deck of cards. One thing for sure, she makes it known, loud and clear that she is the queen and a fearless boss. I don’t know how she does it, but these boys be eating out the palm of her hands.

  I love her personality, she’s thick, and she be making it do what it does! She is the type of person that prefers all or nothing. Her energy is so carefree, outgoing, bold, and she doesn’t take anything for granted. Her motto is: “Everything happens for a reason.” Chloe is my better half, she is my other “me”. She is my girl! We always tell people, we might not have the same parents, but we were in the same womb in another life. We are like twins, but opposite, yet the same in many ways. We call ourselves the Yin/Yang Twins. As the saying goes, opposites attract.

  Her face looks so huge on the screen. “Hey, Girl! What you doing? Are you still in bed? How about Brian called me last night looking for you? Where were you? Whaaatt…”

  I am looking confused. I can’t take all these questions so I cut her off. “Oh, my gosh, Chloe, it is too early in the morning to be asking me a trillion questions. And why is your face so huge on the screen, please back up or something, you are making my head hurt.”

  “Oh, my bad girl. Let me adjust my phone. Is that better?”

  “Yes, it is so much better,” I answered.

  I let Chloe tell it as she said, “Girl, you look bad. Are you sick or something? Eww, your lips are so crusty and dry. Girl, you really look a hot damn mess.”

  I laughed, “Really, a hot damn mess?”

  She looked really serious when she said, “Bree, look, call me back and get yourself together; your hair looks like you just got electrocuted. Your lips need some serious treatment. Vaseline lip therapy with aloe will most definitely do the trick and put moisture back into your lips. Are you staying home today?”

  I laughed, “Funny how everyone has jokes this morning.”

  “Who says, I am joking? Girl, you need to do something with all that,” she says as she’s chewing gum and filing her nails.


  “Look who’s talking! When you wake up in the morning you look like a rusty bag of rocks,” I said.

  She laughed, “Maybe, but not today. Sweetie.”

  She put her clear lip gloss on, “Girl, don’t act like you don’t know. The bag might be rusty, but the rocks are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. I prefer the healthy rocks that’s full of life, that’s me all day. I am big boned and the bomb! I am the shit and loving it! Girl, I am flawless in my sleep. All day and every day. You better act like you know.”

  Chloe is funny. Her confidence is through the roof. You cannot tell her she isn’t looking her best. I love that she is sure of herself and conformable in her skin. I must say, I love her boldness, it inspires me.

  I laughed, “Yeah, yeah, I know. Let me not go there, because you will be talking about yourself all day.”

  As she focused hard on painting her toes and chewing the hell out of her gum, she said, “And you know it! Anyway, are you staying home today?”

  I took a deep breath, “No, I am going to school. I got up later than expected and my first class is later this morning.”

  Her dimples were so deep and cute as she continued to chew the hell out of her gum, she said, as she focused on her pinky toe, “Damn, Girl, my pinky toe always give me a hard time. So, girl, where were you last night?”

  I laughed and smiled at the same time with a smirk on my face, “What? What you mean, where was I last night? I was in my bed.”

  Chloe rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. You went to bed at. …what time? Five in the afternoon.”

  “No. I went on a phone fast.” I said.

  “You and your fasting. Food fast. Phone fast. Fast. Fast. Fast. Only Bree does all this extra stuff.” (I admire fasting. It is a way for me to stay grounded. I fast from everything that could be a distraction. When I fast, I focus on my mental state of being, I enjoy nature, I focus on what I need instead of want, my shortcomings are more visible, and fasting helps me to execute my goals. Fasting helps me a lot.)

  I laughed. “I have to stay grounded. Fasting helps me gain inner peace.”

  Chloe smiled, “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Please spare me the details. I know. I know. Oh, good grief do I know.”

  Looking serious, I said, “Anyway, I have a lot going on. I have to send off the last bit of college applications and I have a list of things I have to do. Time is ticking and it is ticking fast. You know I am not a last-minute type of girl. I have to get my shit done before time.”

  Chloe, blowing her toes, said, “Girl, what was I thinking? My fan is on the other side of my room. Ugh, it is going to take forever for me to dry my toes by blowing on them. …Oh yeah, that’s right, Ms. Perfect. Ms. Organizer. One day, you have to let go and live life as it comes. Loosen up, girl. As long as I’ve known you, you have always been a neat freak.”

  I was about to comment on her question about what she was thinking, but she said, “Bree, you’ve already been accepted into I do not know how many colleges already. Why send off more applications? I do not understand, you are doing too much, and you put too much pressure on yourself.”

  She added, “You know Bree, you are your worse critic. You have to live life, love it, and as you say, stay grounded, but let the Universe take its course. You’ve done all you can do, now it is time to let the Universe do its part. Bree, have you ever thought, that sometimes you might be in the way of your own blessings? Honestly, chill out. Take a breather, and relax.”

  “Thank you for the encouraging words. Sometimes, I feel like I am hard on myself, but I have to get it done. I cannot leave anything unfinished. When I complete everything and know I have done everything to the best of my ability, with hopes my hard work will be overflowing with blessings and the Universe favors my dedication. Hopefully.” I say.

  Chloe started to breathe hard and said, “Okay, Ms. Run Yourself in the Ground.”

  I lowered my voice and humbly replied, “Call it whatever you want too. I set goals that I have to accomplish, and I cannot accomplish them running under my girls or running after a boy.”

  Chloe, all of a sudden came back to life, “Ahhh, speaking of boys. Your man was blowing up my phone last night looking for you. And how about Keith’s ass was tripping, talking about it is about that time? I was like, boy, bye.”

  “About that time? What time?” I asked.

  Chloe had that ‘are you fucking kidding me’ look on her face as she said, “Bree, are you awake? Are you listening? Sometimes I swear you…”

  “I am listening and you clearly see that I am wide awake. You are the one talking in code. Time…Time for what? If you want me to crack the code you’d better explain. The only time I can think of is time for… What, sex?” I answered.

  She shrugged her shoulders, “What else is it going to be, Bree? Time for marriage? Ugh, hell no. Time for a baby? Ugh, most definitely, hell to the no. Gosh, Bree. Sometimes you… Never mind.”

  “Sometimes I what?” I asked, smirking.

  “Never mind, Bree,” she said.

  I said slowly, “Well, technically, Chloe, if you have sex there is a possibility you will get pregnant.”

  Chloe rolled her eyes again, “You know what? I am not going there with you today. Let me know when you’re on campus. I will see you then.”

  I made a boo-boo face, “Chloe, eww, you are in such a badass mood this morning. Why turn sour all of a sudden?”

  “Bree. I will talk to you later,” she said.

  My facial expression changed to serious, “Chloe. I was just kidding.”

  Her voice changed as well, “Bree, I was serious. He wants to have sex and I am not ready for all of that. I felt like you were being a smartass with your smartass comment. I am very much aware of getting pregnant, Bree. I didn’t need to hear that from you.”

  “Chloe, I didn’t mean it that way, I thought we were kidding around. My apology.” I told her sincerely.

  She slightly closed her eyes and smiled, “I accept your apology. I apologize too. Damn, I did flip the script.”

  “Yeah, you did. But it’s okay, I see that it bothered you,” I said.

  “Yes, it did,” Chloe answered.

  “Well, you know, my Yang, my twin, nobody can make us do something we do not want to do. Talk to him about it; and if he doesn’t respect your decision then, he got to go. There is no compromising on anything you do not feel comfortable with. Like we always say, will it be worth it? Ugh, no. Remember, Brian tried to pressure me to have sex, and I told him, no, and if he wants to have sex that bad, he needs to beat his meat, or break up with me and find a girl to fulfill his needs, because I am not the one. I refused to give up my virginity to someone I know for a fact we will not have a future together. Not only that, you know, we want it to be special, not just a fling thingy and move on. We will regret our decision if we do it. Shoot, all the girls I know of that had sex said it wasn’t even worth it. They were in pain, and it was only a couple of minutes. They cannot get their pureness back. I am keeping my pureness until I am ready. Plus, we will be the ones who use protection and still get pregnant or an STD, because we know better.”

  Chloe laughed, “Yeah, that is so true. We could be cautious and prevent all of the above and still get caught up. Nope, I’ll pass.

  I smiled, “Me too. I’ll pass for sure.”

  Chloe gave me an air hug through the phone, “Thank you, my Yin, you are so right. Sometimes, I feel like I want to do it, but then I ask myself, is it worth it? I see these girls walking around school pregnant and the dudes go around saying, “It’s not my baby.”

  Chloe had a high-pitched voice (that’s her gossip tone) as she said, “Girl, how about Shay is thirteen weeks pregnant! Did you know that?

  My mouth dropped, “Shay? I know you are not talking about Shay Tucker.”

  Chloe’s tone got higher, “Yes, girl, Shay Tucker. She is pregnant with nobody knows whose baby.”

  I squinted my eyes and said, “Wait. What? With what? Nobody knows whose baby? Chloe
, you are not making any sense.”

  “Oh, yes, I am. Nobody’s claiming her baby. Shay is walking around looking crazy. They are calling her all kinds of names. They saying its Tony’s baby, then Tony says, “Hell, fuck, nah, it’s Brad’s baby.” Brad’s going around saying, “That ain’t my kid, it is Marcus’”. Marcus says in front of the whole cafeteria, “That bastard ain’t mines,” Chloe replied, going nonstop as if she couldn’t catch her breath because she didn’t want to forget a thing.

  My mouth opened as I asked, “What? See, girl, we need to keep the lock on our pocketbooks and throw away the key. We can always call Lock Smith to replace the key.”

  Chloe laughed so loud, “What? Called Lock Smith to replace the key? I was keeping up with you and agreed until you start talking about Lock Smith. Girl, you are crazy! Hey, my pocketbook’s on lockdown for sure. I feel so bad for Shay.”

  I said sadly, “Yeah, me too, but I want to know who is the baby’s father.”

  “I wonder, are they willing to get a DNA test?” Chloe asked.

  “Damn, I know she wasn’t having sex with all of them. They are making her look like a sloppy-second ho. I am more than sure she didn’t have sex with all those boys,” I said in a distasteful way.

  “Boys ain’t shit,” I added in an angry tone.

  “They want to get between your legs and call it a day after they get it. Then talk shit about it like they are a fucking hero. See, girls go through a lot with these useless boys.” I added, still filled with anger.

  “You are so right, Yin,” Chloe said.

  “We as girls, young girls, and women, have the power to say no. We hold the power; all of it. We give dudes too much power. Yang, keep your legs closed and if Keith don’t understand, that means he never gave a rat’s ass. That is when you tell his ass to go kick rocks. If he says he understands, it could be a setup to warm you up.”

  Chloe laughed, “What? A setup to warm me up?”

  “Yeah, a setup to warm you up. Meaning he going to be like. …Yeah, I am going to stir the stew in the pot, sauté it and make it sound good and look tasty; then he is going to go in for the emotional mind games. He is going to make you feel like you are the one playing games because he is going to be like; Chloe, you had me waiting all this time and we still not having sex. Then he thinks you are going to give in because he is going to play with your emotions to make him seem like the victim so you can give in,” I said.