I started to walk faster and faster without making eye contact and said, “Every time you don’t get your way you want to break up with me. Do what you have to do, Brian. One thing I do know is that I am going to be okay. With or without you.” Brian grabbed my arm hard and yelled at me, “Oh, is that right? Okay. Well. We are done. For real this time.”
I jerked my arm back. I looked at him and said, “Brian, I am tired of you pulling on me.” He moved closer and said in a harsh tone, “At least I don’t beat your ass like most guys I know who beat their girls.” I walked up a little closer to make sure he heard me clearly. I curled my lip as I said, “If you ever think about putting your hands on me again you will regret it for the rest of your life.”
He looked me in the eyes, smiled sarcastically, and replied, “Fuck you, Bree. Don’t you know how many girls want me? I can do better than you.” As I walked away, I put my hands up and said, “So it’s ‘fuck me’ now? Wow, you are so disrespectful on so many levels. You have no loyalty whatsoever. It’s all about what I can do for you.” He followed me and said, “Yeah, you heard me right. Fuck your ass; I can do so much better than you.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Brian, can you?” He laughed, “I am going to make sure my boys don’t vote for your ass, and I am not voting for you either.” I ignored him. His words stabbed me in the chest and my heart was on fire. I know I shouldn’t expect much from him, but damn, I didn’t think he would be so cut-throat. He was so heartless.
I walked into the girl’s restroom. I checked each stall to make sure they were empty. Once the coast was clear, I looked in the mirror and asked myself, how did I get here? I cried because Brian’s words and actions were the same; they both hurt. It reminded me of my open floor discussion in class today. I acted like I didn’t care around Brian. I couldn’t show him my weakness because then he would have surely taken advantage. I had to stay strong for my dignity. The tears were flowing because I never thought someone could be so cruel. If I would have gotten him a pizza this would never have occurred. It was always his way or no way. I did this to myself because I allowed him to do this shit to me.
Brian has taught me a valuable lesson—we teach people how to treat us. I cannot stop crying because I am hurting deeply. I would have thought he would have shown me some kind of respect because I’ve always been there for him. He throws all that out the window when he feels like he is the victim. How can a person feel like they are the victim when they are the one who hurts people? He is so selfish because he is an “all his way” kind of person. I am late for my appointment. I always let him mess things up for me because I always put him first. I put him before my needs and wants all the time. Again, it’s my fault. My face is puffy, my eyes are swollen, and I look a damn mess.
I walked down the hall as fast as I could because I didn’t want to be late for my appointment. I stopped and took a deep breath. My head started to hurt and I became dizzy. I tried my best to get myself together before I knocked on my counselor’s door.
“Breana, are you okay?” she asked, looking concerned. “Yes, Mrs. Morgan, I am fine. Thank you for asking.” I replied, sounding angry, frustrated and sad as I held back my tears. I went on to say, “Mrs. Morgan, I need to make sure I am on point with all my classes and BSU classes. I sent off about a dozen college applications a couple months ago. I’ll be sending off a couple more before the weekend is out. Then I will be done filling out the applications. With hopes to hear from the rest of them soon.”
Mrs. Morgan didn’t want to show her concern as she said, “You are on it, Breana.” “I am trying to stay on top of things. How about my GPA? I took the SAT’s and ACT’s twice this year and I am going to take them one more time next year to see if I can get a higher score. Mrs. Morgan, do I have enough credit to graduate with an Associate degree?” I asked. Mrs. Morgan flipped through tons of paper, “Let me see. Well, your SAT scores are high enough, what are you trying to get? Your ACT is almost at the top of the charts as well. Breana, do not be too hard on yourself.”
My legs were shaking and I bit my lip as I told her, “I am not hard on myself. I like to challenge myself. I like to know I have options and I work hard because I deserve the best of the best.” Mrs. Morgan said in a normal voice, trying not to ask what was wrong again, “Well, as of now, you are still valedictorian.”
“As of now. I am going to be Jackson-Miles valedictorian. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. How do my credits look for early college?” I asked in a firm voice. I looked at the time. Goodness. Time was flying by. Mrs. Morgan replied with joy in her voice, “Breana, you need nine more credits in order to graduate with an Associate degree.”
That changed my mood! “Okay, great! I will take Economics, Anatomy II, and Sociology next semester. That way, I will have all of my electives out of the way when I start college in the fall.” Mrs. Morgan smiled, “Seems like you have it all figured out. Breana, we need more students like you. You are going to be alright, girl!” “Thank you, Mrs. Morgan. I have to run down to cheerleading practice and I have to study for my exams that are coming up,” I replied. “Okay, slow down and make sure you take time out for yourself,” Mrs. Morgan said. As I gathered my papers I said, “Thank you, Mrs. Morgan. I will keep that in mind.”
I opened the door. As I was about to take off and run down to practice, Mrs. Morgan said, “Breana, off the record, I heard you and Brian arguing. You are such a sweet young lady. You have carried Brian since he arrived at this school.” I nodded my head as if I was ashamed and admitted, “Yes. We were arguing.” I shrugged my shoulders, “He broke up with me again, so I don’t have to worry about carrying him anymore.”
Mrs. Morgan walked up to me and said in a concerned voice, “I am not telling you what to do… but he is not your problem. Do not let him stop you from your blessings and what you worked so hard for.” I needed to hear that. I gave Ms. Morgan a hug, “Mrs. Morgan, thank you for the advice. As matter of fact, thank you for always being here for me. Over the course of the years, you’ve always been like a mother to me. I truly appreciate it.”
Mrs. Morgan smiled as she hugged me back, “You’re more than welcome.”
***
As I walked down the hallway. I was beginning to think. Mrs. Morgan is so right. Every time I turn around I am saving Brian from something. When he and his dad got into it I sneaked out of the house to meet up with him to talk. I got caught and was punished for a month. I didn’t have my phone or my car. My parents picked me up and dropped me off at school and work. Nothing more and nothing less. And the only thing he said was, “Bree, I am sorry.”
Hell yeah, he is sorry. A sorry excuse for a man. Just damn right sorry. When he didn’t have enough money for basketball and football camp, I worked overtime and gave him the money to participate and I never got a dime back. Not one red cent. And I didn’t have anything to show for it. Damn, I am so stupid. Ugh, Summer is right, I am Bree-dumb-una.
He got into a bad accident a couple of months ago. It wasn’t too serious, but I was there to make sure he had what he needed. I made sure he had a way home from his doctor’s appointment, and food. Did he appreciate it? No, he didn’t and still doesn’t appreciate anything I do.
Early this year, he had surgery because he had a stomach ulcer. I was there at the hospital every single day before and after school. I was there on the weekends too. When they discharged him, I was at his house around the clock. I was his after-school nurse, and I nursed him back to good health.
It was me! I did it all! Talking about ‘he does not need me to be his momma.’ What the hell? I’ve been acting like his momma and his damn daddy too. His dad is a junkie and his mom left him. He stays with his next-door neighbor who he says raised him. He calls her his Momma. I have done too much for him to let him to treat me this way. It’s my fault because I allow it. I feel like I can make him a better person, but I can’t. I pity him, and I shouldn’t.
I hear my girls cheering their hearts out, “Go! Go! Go! Eagles! Go!
”
I ran in clapping and yelled, “Soar! Eagles! Soar!” As if nothing had happened.
I looked over to the right, and Brian was hugged up on Angel on the bleachers in the corner. She was giggling, “Brian, you are going to be in big trouble,” she said as she touched his lips with the tip of her index finger. His hands were placed on her inner thigh and they kept moving in the direction of her private area. She put her hand on his hand as she gave him permission to keep moving forward. He is so in the zone of his lust the whole time that he doesn’t even see me. My eyes are tearing up. I am standing here looking like a damn fool.
He closed his eyes as his voiced deepened and softened, “Babe, come here and give me those sweet lips.” Softly, in a sexual tone, Angel asked, “How do you know they are sweet?”
I couldn’t believe my eyes nor could I believe what I was hearing. I was frozen. I couldn’t move or speak. I was in a state of shock. I put my hand on my heart.
Brian put both of his hands-on Angel’s ass and pulled her up closer as he murmured, “Come here, baby. Bring your ass here. Why are you so far away?” Angel laughed. They begin to kiss.
I was in a daze. My heart was hurting and beating fast. My head was spinning. I felt sick. I ran out of the gym to the locker room. “Bree! Bree!” I heard someone say. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. I fell on the locker room floor. I rolled up into a ball.
Simone asked in a calm concerned voice, “Bree! Are you sick? Are you pregnant or something?” Simone is a shit starter. I do not trust her. If it was up to me, she wouldn’t be on the team. To be honest, nobody likes her. We just put up with her because she is on the team. I remember when she shitted all over me, telling the cheerleading committee that I was on drugs so she could take my place as captain. I have asthma, and when I am in the red zone I am given steroids to clear the airway in my lungs so I can breathe. I was upset with the committee because I gave them my physical, therefore they knew in advance. That wasn’t enough. I was embarrassed. They made me take a drug test, which I passed. I was on probation and had to produce a year of my medical records from my primary caregiver and the physicians at the hospital so they could approve it. All of this because Simone lied because she wanted to be captain. After all was said and done, I was clean and clear to participate on the team. Simone didn’t suffer the consequences of the lies she told.
I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t talk.
Simone yelled, “Call 911!!” Her dark long thick hair brushed across my face as I tried to catch my breath. Her dark brown eyes looked me dead in the eye as she asked, “Bree, what is wrong? Are you cramping or something? What is it?”
Emma brought me a brown paper bag and said quickly, “Here, Bree, breathe in the bag.” Emma ran out of the locker room and ran back in quickly with my purse. She was throwing everything out, and finally gave up as she poured all my stuff on the floor, “Bree, here, open your mouth. I have your asthma pump.”
Emma is an associate of Chloe and me. She isn’t a part of the Yin Yang, but she’s a good person. Sometimes, I do not understand her ways. I do not think she means any harm, but sometimes she makes racist remarks, and it’s towards her own race. I wonder if she says what she says to “fit in” or maybe she means what she says. Either way, it makes me feel uncomfortable. One day we were in the car and she said she hates white people. I said, “Emma, you know you are white. Right?” She replied, “So that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I can get away with being white or Hispanic. My mother told me to use both to my advantage.”
My face turned sour as I said, “What… use what to your advantage?”
“I have a choice to be white or Hispanic. It depends where I am and who I am around. I’m going to take my Momma’s advice and use it to my advantage,” Emma replied.
I asked, “Emma, you’re not comfortable in the skin you’re in?”
Her eyes got bigger and bigger as she flipped her hair, “Bree, I am comfortable in my skin. I’m just saying since I am white and look Hispanic, I am going to take advantage of both.”
I wasn’t going to go back for forth with Emma so I left that conversation alone. Everything she said I left right there and kept it moving.
I wasn’t comprehending, because I was hyperventilating. What made matters worse, I felt like the entire school was watching me on the floor.
Emma cradled me in her arms as if I was an infant. She rocked me back and forth with one arm holding me slightly. She put the bag over my mouth and yelled with a shaky voice, “Breathe in the bag, Bree! Breathe! I got you! Breathe!” I started to breathe in the bag. I was breathing so fast and was so scared because I felt like I was losing my mind. Emma asked me to open my mouth as she gave me my asthma pump. I inhaled two puffs.
Emma began to hold me tightly, and with a soft loving voice, she said, “Bree, breathe slowly. I love you, Bree. Think about the beach as we clean your chakras. Let’s start from your higher chakras. There’s a bright light over your head, beaming down on your crown chakra. It is traveling through your third eye. As it cleans your crown and third eye, it is washing all the negative energy from your throat chakra.”
I start to breathe slowly as I allowed my chakra to be cleansed.
Emma continued in a calm voice, “Bree, I know your heart chakra is hurting, but the white and golden light are balancing your energy and clearing out the negative vibration.”
I started crying and I stayed calm.
Emma kept going, “As it cleans your heart chakra it is traveling down to your solar plexus and sacral chakras as it lifts your vibration. The golden light has cleansed your heart, solar and sacral chakras as it reaches your root chakra. The Great Divine has officially cut all the negative cords. He is walking and talking with you as He cleanses your root chakra. As He sends the bright white light back up to the highest vibration your chakras are balanced. You are on a higher vibration and frequency.”
As Emma helped me clear my chakras I felt so much better. I then begin to breathe normally.
I lay back on Emma for a couple minutes and said, “Thank you so much. Thank you.”
“What happened?” Simone asked as she looked confused. Right before I opened my mouth to speak two first responders in all blue with sky blue gloves on came in with a gurney, an AED and all kinds of equipment, hurrying and saying, “Coming through!”
“Clear out!”
“Everyone, clear out!”
“Clear out!”
“Is everything okay?”
I looked down and said to myself, this is so embarrassing, “Yes, I am okay. Thank you.”
“I am Rachel. I will be helping you today. I see you are alert,” she said as she shone a small light in my face. She was so close to my face I could smell her breath. It smelled like coffee and something fruity. She had clusters of freckles on her right cheek and her arms. Her eyes were ocean blue and her hair was carrot red.
“Okay, everything’s fine there,” she added as she cut off the bright light.
“Yes. I had an episode of hyperventilation. I’ve been stressed all day,” I replied
“Hello. I am Niles and I am going to check your blood pressure,” he said as he pulled out a stethoscope. Niles’ fingers were super long and his nails were super clean. They looked like he had clear fingernail polish on them. His hair looked like fluffy curly light brown clouds. I wanted to ask him how did he get so much bounce in his hair. Every time he moved it would move from side to side, I loved the volume in his curly afro. I wondered what product he used. He was very handsome. When he talked, his teeth were straight, his smile was like a ray of sunshine, his eyes were hazel light brown. He had on a dog tag that said, Courage. Boldness. Wisdom.
Rachel pulled out a needle. I pulled back. “Wait. What is that? I am okay.” I said, starting to breathe hard again. “Don’t move, I am trying to take your blood pressure,” Niles said as he was trying to focus on the scope. I tried to stay still as I told him in a scared voice, “I hate needles. What are you doi
ng?” “It is okay. I am going to check your blood sugar to make sure your blood level is okay.” “I don’t have diabetes,” I said, frightened. “We just want to make sure your blood sugar isn’t too high or too low. It will be a little prick. That’s all.”
News travels fast.
Chloe ran into the locker room in a rush, asking questions, “What is going on with my sister?”
Rachel said to Chloe, “Please let us do what we have to do to make sure your sister is okay.” In a scary tone and high-pitched voice, Chloe said, “Tell me what is going on! Breana is my sister.” “Ma’am, your sister is okay. Please step aside.” Rachel told her in a frustrated tone.
Brian ran in the locker room but he didn’t say anything. Rachel looked up as she shook her head, rolled her eyes and said, “All done. Your blood sugar is normal.” I hadn’t noticed the prick because Brian changed my whole mood. “Her blood pressure is normal too,” Niles added. They started to gather their things and left the locker room.
“How dare you bring your ass in here!” I told Brian. He had an ugly smirk in his face. Everyone was looking as if I was losing my mind. Nicole’s mouth was open, anxious to hear what I was going to say next. Simone was gathering the paper bags. As she walked to throw them away, she was shaking her head as if she knew what I was about to say. I wonder, did she see Brian and Angel touching each other and kissing?
Chloe had her hands on her hips as she tapped her foot a million miles an hour. As she moved side to side, popping her gum, with her eyebrows arched, ready to snap as if fire was coming out of her nose and ears. She couldn’t hold it in any longer and said with an attitude, “Brian, what did you do?”
He raised his voice, “What you mean? What did I do? Why you blaming me? Shit, I am here to see what is going on.” Chloe raised her voice, “Don’t come at me like that. I know your no-good, got-nothing ass did something. All of this is your doing! Nobody else but Brian, pity party, victim-ass.”
Unapologetic for My Flaws and All Page 5