Unapologetic for My Flaws and All

by Charlena E. Jackson

  The thought crossed my mind, would I want to try again? My heart and mind said, hell no! This time I asked myself out loud, “Would I want to work it out?” But when reality hits me, I told myself, Nope, because I will be smothered. I am who and what he needs to get by. How is that fair to me? He always burns me; as a matter of fact, he burns me all the time but I always turn around and walk straight into his arms.

  When my heart is broken, I always ignore it and go back to the same person who broke my heart.

  As I always welcome him back into my life, I am cautious. Broken promises are never put back together—they are shattered. It is impossible to put the same broken pieces of glass together. If it was possible, the glue would represent my scars. Superglue may keep it together, but the pain is stronger.

  He dries the tears from my eyes, but he does not know he is the reason why I am crying. My emotions are weak. My mind is tired. My body is traumatized. Understanding isn’t an option anymore.

  Love. If you know what I need—why don’t you feel my heart’s desire/ My heart is in tremendous pain. This isn’t love. I am so tired of carrying his memories of pain. They do not belong to me. They are not mine to bear. I am lingering on because I do not have anything left of me to give. This unhealthy relationship is too demanding.

  Love, you hurt me more than him. I need help finding the courage to let go. I cannot make his life better. I am so young and have so much life ahead of me. This is draining, but I keep coming back. Help me. I know you see my suffering. I know you hear my cry. I know you feel my unbearable pain. This is too much to handle. I am going to walk away with or without your approval.

  I am tired of hearing him say, “I need you, Bree.”

  Or, “Bree, I need you in my life.”

  This is a good one. He always says this to make me come back: “You complete me. I am so sorry for what I’ve done. How do I go on living without your love and support? I need you. Please. Bree.”

  When I stand my ground, he would say, “What am I supposed to do?”

  Then he will add another, “I am so sorry Bree.”

  To top it off he would say, “We can fix this. Right, Bree?”

  The icing on the cake—as he blows out the candles and his wishes come true. He knows how to get me back. He would say, “What do you want? What do you need? Tell me, Bree, how can I change? I will do it. I’ll do anything. I need you, Bree. Please.”

  As I sit in the car in silence I am thinking to myself, what do I do? I tell myself, it is time for me to put my best foot forward. Mean what I say, and say what I mean without sacrificing my worth. It is time for me to be unapologetic for my flaws and all. No ifs ands or buts about it.

  ***

  I had to get a new phone since the damage was beyond repair. T’eo and I have formed a friendship, which is pretty cool. I am loving it! Meanwhile, I have my moments. I stay up at night crying because it isn’t easy getting over someone you invested time in and deeply care about. With that being said, I protect myself, because ever since Brian’s “ho” moment I purposely keep my distance from him. I haven’t talked to him in a while and I am trying to keep it that way. When someone talks to me about him, I cut them off quickly.

  Since I only take classes at BSU, I am good because I do not have to see Brian. I haven’t been to cheerleading practice for a while. Which means I cannot participate and cheer at two games. Basically, I am on probation. I am so fine with that. No hard feelings. I must say, since I haven’t been up at Jackson-Miles High, my load is lighter and I have more free time to do what I want to do.

  Sooner or later we are going to cross paths. I just hope it’s not anytime soon. I am enjoying my peace.

  Come to think about it, I am not cheering in homecoming after all, because I am in the running to be Queen!

  ***

  I really do not want to get up and go to work. I have no choice because I made a promise to Sage that I will fill in for her. I need the detraction. I got up, got dressed and called it a day.

  Brian is blowing up my phone. I am not going to answer his calls or text messages. He is the reason why my head hurts. I have to block him out. Before I pulled out of the driveway, I blocked his number. As I was driving to work, I popped in one of my favorite artists, Jhene Aiko. I love Jhene Aiko; her music opens up the vibration of the soul and takes it to a higher state in the mind. As I turned to one of my favorite tracks, Frequency, it soothed my mind right then and there. I put it on repeat; that way, I can play it over and over in my head while I work.

  I walked into the café. I took a deep breath with hopes that the smell of coffee would soothe my headache. Unfortunately, it isn’t working today. Normally, the smell of coffee takes away my worries for the moment. Well, I have no choice but to get through today the best way I know how.

  For some reason, the walls in the café are so bright. As I walked into the open area, I noticed the pictures in the gallery are different. Just last week there were dark and mysterious colors. Today, there are bright sunshine yellow and orange pictures on the walls. The brightness is so vibrant because of the mirrors on the other side of the room. Gosh, I do not see how anyone can focus in here. Maybe it is just me, because my head hurts so badly to the point my eyes are really sensitive to the brightness. One thing I do know for sure, my chakras are not balanced.

  My back pocket was vibrating. I looked at my phone and it was Brian the Asshole calling me from his friend Leon’s number. I know it’s Brian because Leon never calls me.

  “Hey, Breana, are you okay?” my supervisor asked. “I am okay. I have a bad headache, but I’m sure it will go away soon. Thanks for asking,” I replied. “Are you sure you are okay?” she asked. “Yes, I am sure,” I answered in return. “Okay.” She looked concerned.

  I smiled. She rubbed my back and said, “I asked because the Breana I know always greets everyone with a smile. The Breana I know is always filled with so much joy. I know something is wrong. If you want to talk or need today off, I am here.”

  “I am okay, thanks. It’s a minor problem that I can handle. A little stressed here and there, but I will be okay,” I said. I tried to smile but the brightness and the music felt like a ton of bricks hit my head all at one time. With a serious but concerned look on her face, my supervisor said, “Okay, let me know if you need a break or if you need to leave early.” Once again, my phone is vibrating. I wasn’t going to look at it, but I was curious and it was nobody, just Asshole. I cracked a smile and said, “Okay, thanks.”

  I walked over to get an apron off the rack and said hello to everyone. I couldn’t deal with Brian’s ass today. I walked to the back to put my belonging and phone in my locker.

  As I tied my apron, a guy with blonde hair, green eyes, and a fresh, even tan smiled with pearly white straight teeth and said, “Hey.” I was saying to myself, damn, he is adorable and gorgeous. I replied, “Hello, how may I help you?” He smiled and said, “I know you from somewhere? I looked around and asked, “Who? And I pointed to myself. “Me?”

  He laughed.

  I said to myself, oh, my goodness, when he giggles its adorable. He replied, “Yes, you. You are in my Anatomy Physiology class and AP lab at BSU.” I played it cool and said, “I have no clue. Maybe I am. There are so many people in the class. I just keep to myself and do what I have to do to pass.”

  He laughed again. “You are always so serious. I see you sitting on the far left up near the rear door, focusing. After the professor dismisses us you are a ghost. It’s like you snap your fingers and disappear, Ms. Breana Anderson.”

  He looked down for a second and looked back at me as he bit his bottom lip and said, “Yes, I know your name. I’ve been trying to keep up with you for the longest, but you never give me an opportunity to introduce myself.”

  I said to myself, damn. Okay, that was cute. Goodness gracious, when he bites his lip, he is so damn sexy. Okay, Bree. Get it together. Keep your composure. Act like you don’t give a shit. And you better not let him see you loo
king at his lips. And his eyes. His perfect tan skin. Damn, Bree, just look the other way.

  Ding, the bell rang. I turned around and smiled as I got the lemon blueberry crumble cake out of the oven and said, “I have places to be.” He bit his lips again and asked, “Like?” “Come again?” I said. He smirked. “Like. Like where? Where do you have to be?”

  Good gosh almighty, his smirk is so sexy. I said to myself, Bree, do not look at him. I walked over to get a knife to cut the cake and told him, “I have business to take care of. Like. Making sure I am all set for graduation.” I looked at him with a serious face and said, “And the list goes on.”

  He nodded his head, “Yeah, I heard you were a senior in high school.” I arched my eyebrows and said, “Okay. And?” He replied, “I didn’t mean anything by it. I wish I would have taken that route. I think that is smart of you. That’s all I am saying, no pun intended.”

  As I put the lemon crumble bread in the bakery case I said, “No offense taken.” I was focused on putting the bread in the case as I asked, “What is your name? And why are you asking people about me? No pun intended, but you sound like a stalker?”

  He stepped back with his hands in the air said, “Whoa!” I cut him off, laughed and asked, “Why are you surrendering?” He laughed as he stepped back two more steps, “No, I am not a stalker. I value my life. I think you are very attractive and smart. I love your style and your personality.” He had on white Converse with mismatched no-show socks (light blue and white), a black v-neck shirt and low-cut black jogger pants. I noticed he had a tiger eye bracelet on his left wrist.

  I walked over to the tables to collect the dishes that were left for pickup and said, “I have two more questions.” He smiled as followed me and helped with the dishes and said, “Go for it.” I wiped off the table, “Thank you for helping, but you know you are not on the clock, right?”

  He laughed, “I knew you had a funny side to you. It is my pleasure to help you, Ms. Breana. If it gives me more time with you as you work, I am willing to sweep the floor too. If I have to, I will mop it as well.”

  I smiled.

  I walked to the next table. I wiped it down after I put the dishes in the black bin and said, “Well, let me go get you the spray to clean the restrooms. While I am at it, let me get the black bags and toiletries.” He laughed and said, “Okay. I’ll be waiting. Just like I am waiting on your two questions.”

  I stopped in my tracks. “Are you real or am I imagining you?” He laughed out loud and said, “Breanna, no, you are not crazy!” I laughed so hard and remarked, “I was just checking to be on the safe side.” We walked to the next table and I said, “Okay. Why do you have on different colored socks? Don’t you have better things to do than be here?” Again, he laughed. He was about to say something, but I cut him off, as I was flattered, saying, “So you are going to laugh at everything I say?”

  As he walked towards the corner, he reached out for the broom and said, “First, I have to assure you that I am not a stalker. I have good instincts and I know a good woman when I see one. Second, I asked your lab partner about you, since you vanish into thin air after lab and lecture. Just to let you know, I tried to get your number, but she said no. I asked her for your email address too.”

  I stopped washing off the table and looked at him as if he was crazy. He laughed so hard as he slapped his leg and said, “I was just playing around. Girl, I didn’t ask for your email address.” I turned my lips to the side, saying, “Yeah, right.” He still was going to town laughing and said, “No, seriously, Bree, I didn’t ask for your email address. All jokes aside, you have my word on that one.” I replied, “Okay.”

  He continued to sweep the floor. “I never wear matching socks. I’m surprised they are not bleached, as I do the best I can when it comes to washing clothes and matching up socks. Just like you, I am focused on my studies. On the other hand, unlike you, I know how to have fun too.”

  I walked over to get the dustpan and said, “All you have to do is wash the colored clothes together and use cold water, and the white clothes together and use hot water. It’s that simple.” I had more to say, but he cut me off. He asked, “Why do we always have to live in a divided world?” I was looking lost, “What?”

  As he took over the dustpan and swept the trash into it, he continued, “You said all I have to do is separate the colored and white clothes and use cold and hot water. I choose to wash all my clothes together because I feel like we have more than enough separation in the world.”

  I said, “Okay. I understand what you are saying, but I am talking about your clothes. If you wash them together, all of your clothes are going to look like tie-dye.” He said, “That’s fine with me.” I didn’t know what to say after that.

  He said, “I didn’t answer the most important question.” I told him, “Okay, answer it.” He sat down and said, “We did a good job! Are they closing early or something?”

  “No,” I replied. “They are having a ‘Speak in the Mic’ session tonight. People show off their talent. It’s pretty cool. You can stay if you like.” He smiled. “Are you asking me out on a date?” I hit his leg (which I didn’t mean too), laughed and said, “Ugh, I do not even know your name.”

  He put his hand on his heart and said, “Well, let me answer the most important question. Do I have other things to do? Yes, I do… but I took advantage of this opportunity to speak to you. Since you were working, I knew you weren’t going to clock in, clock out and vanish into thin air. With that being said, I wanted to take a chance and speak. I didn’t know you would capture my heart and have me working for free. I mean, really, I washed down tables, put dirty dishes in the bin, and swept the floor. That means you are something special, Ms. Breana Anderson.”

  I smiled as I turned my eyes to the side and said, “So that was the most important question? I would have thought it would have been your name. But, thank you. Also, thank you for your services today.” He looked me in the eyes and said, “Yes. That is the most important question that I had to answer.”

  “Why so serious?” I asked.

  “So, serious because I want you to see how sincere I am,” he replied.

  I looked down at his mismatched socks, busted out laughing and said, “I apologize, but I can’t. Your socks. I just can’t.” I laughed so hard and put my hand over my mouth, trying not to cause a scene.

  “I’m glad I am making you laugh. I am going to wear mismatched socks all the time if it puts that huge gigantic smile on your face,” he said as he smiled from ear to ear. I continued laughing, “Nooo... Nooo… Nooo...”

  I looked up and saw my supervisor. She waved her hand and asked me to come here.

  I nodded my head.

  “Hey, I have to get back to work,” I said. I continued, “I enjoyed your company. Thank you. Humm.”

  “Humm what?” he said.

  “Humm… I don’t know what to call you,” I replied.

  He looked at me and said, “Breana, my name is Eli. Eli McNair”

  I smiled, “It was a pleasure, Mr. Eli McNair. Thank you for your help.”

  “The pleasure was all mine,” Eli said as he watched me walk away.

  Two hours passed. Speak in the Mic started. I was looking for Eli. I was thinking to myself, if he was so interested, why didn’t he ask me for my number or my email address? What am I saying, email address? I am totally tripping. Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that Hi, makes things harder. Maybe he was here just for the moment. I will admit, I really enjoyed his company. It’s funny, my headache went away and I didn’t even notice it. I laughed at myself and said, maybe he was a figment of my imagination. Its official, I am totally losing it.

  I clocked out and took a seat and stayed awhile for Speak in the Mic night. There was a guy who walked up with a daisy shirt on and a daisy in his hand. He had on blue jeans with yellow clogs on. I guess his favorite color is yellow. He cleared his throat and tapped the mic. He spoke in the mic and said, “Check. Check.”
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br />   He cleared his throat again and said, “Hi, everyone. My name is Mike. Mike Miller. I am going to read a poem I wrote called, Rose.”

  He cleared his throat once more and said, “Rose, close the door and let’s talk. Rose, I cannot see you. Rose, close the door so we can talk. Rose, are you there? Rose, the door is open, let yourself in. Rose, where are you. Rose. Rose. Rose, you know you hear me.”

  Everyone was looking around looking like, what the hell?

  He went on to say, “Rose, you are such a selfish bitch. You are all about me. Me. Me. Me. But what about me, Rose? I cannot take this shit anymore. I want to love you, but loving you is too much. Rose, I gave you all of me.” He raised his voice. He turned his head and looked at a lady in a purple shirt and said, “Sabrina, I love you.” Sabrina blew and kiss and replied, “I love you too”

  Mike yelled, “No, the fuck you don’t! If you loved me you wouldn’t be fucking Rosemary. I saw you! I saw the both of you!”

  An officer ran up to the stage because the speaker jumped off the stage as he walked quickly past Sabrina. The officer showed Mike to the door and asked him to exit the property. The officer came back and asked Sabrina to leave as well.

  The owner of the shop canceled the ‘Speak in the Mic’ night in fear that Mike would come back to do something tragic.

  After everyone left the café, I helped the owner clean for business tomorrow. Later on, I gathered my things, checked my phone and noticed I had twenty-six missed calls from Brian. As I scrolled down, I had so many messages from him, there wasn’t any point in counting them. Chloe had called a couple times. I’ll call her back later tonight.

  The owner and my supervisor said, “Lights out.” They both thanked me for staying over to help.

  Just when I was about to call Chloe, Eli walked up and said, “That’s what I forgot to give you. My number! Speak in the Mic night is over already?” “What makes you think I want your number?” I asked. “Because you said you enjoyed my company today,” Eli replied. I smirked and said, “Ummm, okay.”