“You’re more than welcome, Faith. Anytime,” I said. I heard someone calling her name in the background. “Well, I have to go,” Faith said. “Okay, I’ll see you soon at Jackson-Miles High, Ms. Tenth Grade!” I said. She laughed, “Okay, Queen of Jackson-Miles High!” I smiled and said, “Thank you! See you soon!” She replied, “See you soon.”
As I hung up the phone with Faith, Chloe called. I answered, “Hello,” She asked, “My, Yin, are you okay?” It is something when someone you care about asks if you are you okay. You become emotional. I started to cry and said, “Yang, no, I am not.” Chloe said in a soft voice, “Guess what, Yin?” I asked, “What?” She replied, “It is okay to say you’re not okay. It is okay not to be okay, as long as you talk to someone about it. Right now, that someone is me, your Yang.” I thanked Chloe and we talked and fell asleep on the phone.
11
Chapter eleven
I looked in the mirror as my mother pinned up my hair
and put on the finishing touch of my make-up. I asked myself, “Brenna, are you happy?”
I asked myself again, why are you asking yourself this question on Homecoming night? You just might be the queen. Being queen hasn’t crossed my mind. I ran for Ms. Jackson-Miles High because I knew it would make my mother happy. Indeed, it has made her happy and I am happy to see her happy.
A month ago, we went shopping for my dress, and I must say it is beyond beautiful! I look like a princess; well more so, I look like I am a bride in a sweetheart royal blue backless ball gown. I can’t help put to think I am going to freeze out there tonight, but I love the dress. It has tiny crystal beads here and there that sparkle.
As my mother looked at me, she was looking serious. She asked me to turn around to make sure everything was in tiptop shape. I am happy and blessed I am sharing this moment with her and my sister.
My mother looked at me in the mirror and asked, “Breana, what’s on your mind?”
I looked at the black bobby pins that I was holding in my hand and said, “Mommy, there’s been a lot going on. I am overwhelmed because I have a lot on my plate.”
She pulled up my purple footstool and asked me to sit down. She gently put her hand under my chin and she slightly pulled my head up. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Breana, you are not in this alone. I know what your professor did was horrifying, but sweetie, you are safe, and justice will be served. You have a courageous team on your side and we are putting up a good fight.” Tears formed in my eyes as I said, “Yes. I know, Mommy.”
She continued, “I know you are having unsettled emotions about that boy Brian, but things will get better. I know it is easier said than done, but time heals and sooner than later he will be your past. I also know you get tired of hearing this—but everything happens for a reason. Breana, you have a lot going for yourself. You’ve worked hard to get where you are today. You have sacrificed a lot of your freedom to enjoy your high school career to get ahead because you want more, and you know exactly what you want. I am so proud of you!
I smiled and said, “I knew I wasn’t going to miss out on too much in high school. It’s a lot of drama and senseless issues that I carelessly became involved with. Early College, helped me to realize that life is what you make it, and why waste time knowing I can make it happen now? My goal is to graduate with an Associate degree before I graduate from high school. That way, I will have two years left in college and I will use the two years to attend and graduate with my Masters.”
My mother gave me a hug and said, “I wish I was like you growing up. You have your head on your shoulders right at an early age.”
I was crying and laughing.
She gave a slight laugh and said, “Breana, I am serious. If I’d had a mind like yours when I was young, shoot, I would be just like you —unstoppable.”
I put my hands together as my eyes filled with tears. As I looked down at my hands, two teardrops fell on my thumb as I said, “Mommy, it hasn’t been easy. People do not understand how hard I’ve worked. They think I am a goody-two-shoes. I know where I want to be and I know how to get there. I know the road will not be easy, but I am trying to take the right route and bypass the unnecessary heartache and pain, yet it seems that regardless of what route I take I cannot manage to get past the pain that has built up along the way. As for my professor, I know for a fact my voice will be heard. As for Brian, I am dealing with his betrayal the best way I can. You’re right, Mommy, sooner or later I am going to get over it. It is taking longer than expected. I managed to cleanse my chakras and meditate to keep myself grounded, but my energy is being pulled in opposite directions because of my feelings for him. I feel myself shifting gears for the better. I’m healing, slowly but surely.”
The tears kept falling as I said, “Mommy, I gave him so much of me. I gave him more of me than I gave myself. I felt like I loved him more than I loved myself. I helped him any way possible with every fiber of my being, and nothing was ever good enough.” I could hardly talk when I said, “Mommy, what did I do wrong? I was there for him. Why would he do me like this? Mommy, what did I do wrong?”
She wiped my tears and said, “Breana, you didn’t do anything wrong. Just as you told me once before, we cannot change a person, nor can we let a person change us.”
She held the side of my face in her hand. My cheek lay in the palm of her hand as she softly smiled. Her eyes filled with tears as she said, “You know, a smart young lady taught me a valuable lesson. She told me, what people think shouldn’t matter when you know who you are as a person. For the people who think you are a goody-two-shoes, they are jealous and wish they could walk in your shoes. As for that boy Brian, Breana, I knew when I met him for the first time he was going to lean on you. I knew you were going to be his crutch because that boy came with many problems that weren’t solved and never will be solved unless he seeks professional help. He will always be a young boy who depends on others to do stuff for him. I know you did a lot for him. There were days you and I got in many arguments because I told you to leave that boy alone. However, Breana, sometimes we have to learn the hard way and see for ourselves. It isn’t your fault. We all get caught up and it is up to us to see for ourselves if we are willing to carry the load of others, give it back to them or leave it on the wayside. Breana, look at this situation as a lesson learned. One thing I know is that you know your worth. I think this situation has taught you that you cannot help everyone who doesn’t want to be helped—and most definitely you cannot be everyone’s hero.”
I couldn’t hold in my emotions. I cried. Cried and cried.
My mother said, “Crying is good for you. Let it all out. You know when I was younger than you, before I met your daddy, I dated this guy named Bobby who I knew was going to get me in a lot of mess. I knew he was trouble, but I thought I could save him by always being there when he needed me. I knew he wouldn’t change for the better, but he was the best mistake I ever made. One day, I was at the store with his sister, Clarity. Most definitely she didn’t live up to her name. She asked me to put two cans of baby milk in my pocketbook. I told her no, I wasn’t going to do that. She told me I was a goody-two-shoes and a sellout. I told her to call it as she may because I wasn’t going to jail so that her baby could eat. When Bobby found out I didn’t steal the baby milk he told me I was worthless and no damn good. He told me he couldn’t be with someone like me who is too scared to take a chance on life. Breana, he really thought taking a chance on life was stealing and doing whatever possible to get what he needed by any means. I was so hurt when he said that because I did so much for him and his sister. After I went home I realized they used me for what I had. I had a car, they didn’t. I had a family who was stable. They didn’t. I was going to school. They weren’t. Unlike them, I had plans for myself and I knew I was going places. They were content and I knew that wasn’t the road I wasn’t going to take. Just like Brian, Bobby broke up with me so many times, and I took him back. But that time, I didn’t take him back, because he
had shown me one too many times what he thought of me. I really thought I could change his world. When he told me I was basically good for nothing, a light switch turned on the bright lights in my head and I said, I love myself too much to get caught up in this life. I loved me too much to sacrifice my life for someone who didn’t give a damn about my life. A couple of mornings after he broke up with me, I found myself having bad cramps. Blood was all over my sheets and there were thick blood clots all over my bed. I ran to the bathroom and so much blood ran down my legs. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell my mother. I had to figure it out. Later that evening I went to the ER because I was in so much pain. The doctor gave me an ultrasound and I was told I’d had a miscarriage.”
She paused, took a breath and said, “Yes, Breana, I lost my virginity when I was in ninth grade because I didn’t have a mindset like you. I wanted to be “liked” but I wasn’t ready to have sex. I let peer pressure get the best of me every single time. I am so happy you didn’t have sex with that boy, or anyone for that matter, because it isn’t worth it.”
I looked at her, and I didn’t know what to say. She had never opened up this deeply with me. I was speechless. After I collected my thoughts I said, “Mommy, I’m sorry you had to go through that. How do you know that I am still a virgin?”
She said, “Trust me when I say a mother will know whether their son or daughter tells them or not. There are so many signs. Number one sign, your attitude would have changed.”
I hugged her and said, “Mommy, I’m so sorry you went through that alone. I never would have known if you hadn’t told me. Wow. Did you ever tell the guy?”
“No. I never told him. I tried, but when I called him, he blocked my number,” My mom answered.
She added, “That is why I didn’t like Brian when I met him. He didn’t have to say a word. I knew what he was about. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was trying to tell you what to do. Some kids have the tendency to do what they are told not to do, and I didn’t want you to try to prove a point to me or your father. I didn’t want my story to backfire on me.”
I looked at my mother because, in a way, she was right. The more my parents didn’t like Brian, it pushed me closer and closer to him. Now I see why she fell back and let me make my own decisions. As I looked at her, she said, “Don’t feel sorry for me, Breana. It was all my doing. I saw the signs but I ignored them big time. I should have believed him the first time he showed me he didn’t care about my wellbeing. I learned the hard way, and that boy put me through so much pain. I hurt badly every day because he cheated on me all the time and I always took him back. Unlike you, I didn’t know my worth. After I kept getting burned by those no-good guys I slowly realized my worth. When I met your daddy, I gave him a hard time because I didn’t trust men. My bad decisions had my mind made up that I was going to be single for the rest of my life. Your daddy knew how a woman should be treated. He changed my life so much for the better. I know God will send you the right man too later on in life. Right now, you have your journey cut out for you; and you will succeed because Grace is guiding your steps.”
My mother smiled and said, “Breana, you are going to be okay. I know you are because you are strong. It’s hard, but the way you feel is making you stronger every single day.”
She looked up and read an affirmation on my wall. She smiled and said, “A wise young lady once wrote, Life is beautiful. We will have our ups and downs. However, we must take one step at a time; and as we take one step at a time, we must make each step count, and count each step as pure joy. The affirmation you wrote is beautiful, Breana.”
Her voice trembled as she said, “Breana, your mindset is very strong and powerful. I wish I could take some credit for how powerful your mindset is. You are a remarkably wise young lady who is going places.”
I hugged her and said, “Well, Mommy, as they say, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Believe it or not, you and Daddy are my inspiration. I haven’t come this far on my own. We all need help along the way, and I thank you and Daddy for your love and support.”
She said sadly, “I knew I could have been there more; and I apologize a trillion times for my neglect of communication.”
As I continued to hug her I said, “Mommy, that is the past. What counts now is the present. You are here now and this is what matters.” I added, “I will never forget this conversation or this day.”
We hugged and wiped each other’s tears. She said, “Let’s get you ready to be Ms. Jackson-Miles High.” A couple of minutes later Summer came in the room and said, “Oh wow, Bree! Look at you! You are gorgeous!” Summer helped me with my dress as I prepared to walk down the stairs.
As I stood at the top of the stairs, my daddy was smiling from ear to ear as he said, “I hope you are not wearing a glass slipper. I do not need any dudes coming to the house trying to claim my princess.” I laughed and said, “No, Daddy.”
As I walked down the stairs, he teared up as he said, “Wow, one day, I will be walking you down the aisle.” I smiled and told him, “Daddy, don’t cry. And the only aisles I will be walking down is to get my Associate degree, high school diploma, and getting my college degree shortly after.”
My mother said, “Bree, turn around and let me get a good look at you one more time.” I turned around as I looked towards the kitchen. I closed my eyes as I turned around towards the family room. When I opened my eyes, my brother Luke was standing there!
I put my hands over my mouth, screamed, jumped up and down and said, “Oh my goodness! Oh, my gosh! What in the world are you doing here?” I ran over and hugged my brother because it was so good to see him. I said excitedly, “This made my day!” After I hugged my brother he said, “Bree, you know I wouldn’t miss you becoming Ms. Jackson-Miles for the world!” I was smiling from ear to ear.
Luke said as he smiled, “I wanted to be here to do the honors to put Mother’s necklace around your neck as you carry on the tradition of running for prom queen.” My brother put my mother’s necklace on me and said, “Bree, you are so beautiful! You, Mother and Summer look like triplets.” I smiled as I looked at my mother and Summer and said, “Yeah, we do look like triplets.”
My daddy said, “Well, I want to be the one who puts the fresh baby’s breath flowers in your hair.” He gently tucked the flowers in my beehive.
I looked in the mirror and the flowers were beautiful! They brought out my bangs, skin and the color of my dress. Everyone was so excited and wished me many blessings as we prepared to walk out the door.
***
I stayed in my own lane as everyone was preparing for the potential queen and king to get in their car to drive out of the tunnel. As I looked around I saw that Angel ran for Ms. Jackson-Miles High as well. I kept my eyes on the prize—and that was me! I made sure my blue glovettes were on correctly. I saw she had on a red short strapless dress with silver high heels. The other girl that was running was called Autumn. She had on a green dress with yellow flats. I wondered what she was thinking, but to each his own. I wore blue because our school colors are blue and yellow.
The potential kings were drunk and off the chain. Needless to say, all of them were athletes. Jodee is such an ass. He’s in 12th grade, but he plays on JV. I call him Jodee the Jerk. He thinks he is better than everyone. He always has the latest phones, clothes, and cars too. What he does best is look down on people. He’s wearing Prada from head to toe. I’m not hating, but I wish he would understand materials things sooner or later will become dated.
Winter, yes you heard me right, Winter is a guy, he tells everyone his mother named him Winter because she was always freezing when she was carrying him—and when she gave birth to him the temperature was an all-time record low of 11 degrees. I agree with his mother, she gave him the right name because he is colder than an iceberg. He is very blunt and cold, but sometimes that’s how a person has to be. I’m learning that when you are too nice people take advantage in the worse way. Winter looks
very handsome—he has on a black tux with a royal blue tie. I’m trying to understand why in the world he has a football in his hand. I do know he knows he’s going to win, too.
Ronald, he plays basketball. We call him ‘ocean eyes’ because his eyes are so beautiful. The girls are breaking their necks to go out with him just to look in his eyes. Needless to say, he’s a player. He’s cool, though. He has on blue jeans with a blue Jackson-Miles hoodie and white sneakers. Again, to each his own.
As I come out of the tunnel I wave my hand from side to side as my name is announced. Oh, my gosh, it is freezing, but I smile and I find myself in a daze. I cannot believe I am in 12th grade, my life has flashed before my eyes. I am going to be stepping out in the real world. I can’t help but think am I ready. I am already going with the flow and I am always prepared. But will that be enough?
There are so many people out here. As I look up at the stands, I see Brian. I see him looking at me, but he isn’t smiling. I can’t help but look at him. I looked at him until the car turned the curve. I didn’t turn around.
I hear so many people calling my name. I thought to myself, this just might be the same crowd that will be at graduation. I continued to wave and smile. I hear someone yell, “Breana, I love your dress!” I heard a group of people say, “Bree is Ms. Jackson-Miles High!”
As I smile and wave, I start to tear up, because I see my daddy blowing kisses. I looked at him and caught a kiss. I continued to look at him as I put it on my heart. Summer is jumping up and down, waving out of control. My mother has her hands on her heart. My brother has his hand around his mouth yelling, “Bree! Bree!” Chloe was right beside Luke yelling my name too.
Unapologetic for My Flaws and All Page 13