T’eo sounded frustrated when he replied, “Of course I understand how important school is to both of us. However, Bree, I would think you would have made a little time for me.” I didn’t say anything because I was saying to myself, he just doesn’t get it. He said, “Well. Maybe I should let you get back to studying. I just wanted to stop by to make sure you were still alive and well.” I reached out to give him a hug, but he said, “Bree, you don’t know how much I want to hug you right now, but I’d rather pass. I refuse to ease your guilty conscience.” I threw my hands in the air and said, “Okay, T’eo. Really? I think you are in your feelings and taking this way too far.” T’eo was walking towards the door. He turned around and said, “You think I am taking it way too far? I think Breana Anderson needs to look in the mirror. If you decide to look in the mirror, you need to tell yourself to get used to being lonely with your books, career and being by yourself. I love you, Bree, but I see you don’t know how to handle being in a relationship and school at the same time.” I didn’t say anything. I looked at T’eo as he stepped one foot out the door and said, “I think we should break up because this isn’t what I signed up for.” He closed the door and I didn’t go after him. Maybe he’s right, I am not ready for a relationship—school comes first. I walked upstairs and started where I left off in my Anatomy book.
***
The semester is going by extremely fast and I am trying to keep my head above water. Every now and then, I run into T’eo. I’ll speak and try to hold a conversation, but he always says he is too busy to talk and he has to get to his next class. I miss talking to him. I miss being in his presence too. I believe I messed up a good thing, but I wish he would understand how much my future means to me. I’ve worked hard to prosper, not to fail. I couldn’t stress over T’eo because I had an exam in all my classes today. I was struggling the first couple of weeks in all of my classes. I pencil in my schedule to take advantage of tutorial sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They’ve helped me out a lot. Now, I am on a straight path—I have all A’s and one B in calculus.
***
Sundays are supposed to be a relaxing day. I never followed the rules for Sunday, because I am always studying. My mother walked into my room and said, “Bree the science kid! When are you going to take a break? Ever since school started you haven’t hung out with anyone. I haven’t seen Chloe or T’eo.” I kept my head in the books and I said, “Mommy, I talked to Chloe this morning and yesterday. I talk to her every day. We haven’t been out in a while because we’ve both been pretty busy, but we talk faithfully every single day.” I reached for my highlighter and said with excitement, “Here is the answer! Darn it, it took me hours to find this answer.” I looked at my mother and said, “You know, professors always say read this chapter or that chapter, but the answers are not in the chapters they ask us to read. I found the answer I’ve been looking for in Chapter 46.”
My mother didn’t say anything. I looked up to see if she was still there, and she was shaking her head as she sat in the chair with her legs crossed. I looked at her, my face confused, and asked, “Did I say something wrong?” She smiled and said, “No, honey, you didn’t say anything wrong. We are so proud of you. So proud. But you have been cooped up in this room as if you are held hostage in a dungeon.” As I flipped the pages in my Econ book I said, “Mommy, my room isn’t a dungeon—I have a lot of natural light shining in. My room is peaceful, Mom. I know what you are getting at. T’eo, right?” I put a bookmark on the page I was reading, closed my book and said, “Mommy, Daddy and I already had this talk. I really like T’eo. He is a good guy, but Mommy, it seems like nobody understands how hard I’ve worked to get here. I am almost at the finish line. I have to finish, Mom. I have to. I am doing this for me. If I do not do this for myself and fail, I am going to resent everyone who pushed me to do something that distracted me from my goal. It just feels like you all do not understand. I feel like you are all pushing me on T’eo. I know he exists. I know he’s a good guy and he has a lot going on for himself, but I have a lot going on for myself too. It’s already hard for women in the world today. I just want to make my mark and look back from time to time to admire my accomplishments. I just wish everyone would understand me.”
My mother looked at me and said with great concern, “Honey, we understand you’ve worked so hard and we will not ever take that from you. Yes, you are almost at the finish line but remember, you didn’t get there by yourself. You had help from your family and friends. We all are rooting for you. We are all your number one fans and we all want nothing but the best for you. We are not pushing you on T’eo. No, not at all. We do know he is a good young man who wants the best for you too. Although you haven’t spoken to him, he calls us to see how you are doing on a daily basis.”
I said, “What? When I talk to him in school, he acts like he doesn’t want to talk to me. So, I take the bitter with the sweet. I am respectful and keep it moving.” My mother walked over to my bed, rubbed my back and said, “He cares. When someone puts your needs and wants before theirs and respects your feelings, they care. He honored what you asked him to do—he gave you space while you focused on your studies.” My face was confused and I looked at her and said, “Oh, okay. He is playing the innocent role.” I threw my hands in the air and said, “He was the one who broke up with me.” My mother said, “I know, honey, he was hurt, and he gave you what you asked for.” I was upset and I responded, “Well… maybe I should send him a thank you letter. I’m over this. May I please get back to studying? I’ve wasted more than enough time talking about T’eo.” My mother kissed me on the forehead and said, “Yes you may get back to studying. Dinner will be ready within an hour or so.”
***
For days T’eo had been on my mind. I missed hearing his voice. I missed spending time with him. I took a break from studying as I ran down the steps, I asked my parents was it okay if I went to Chloe’s self-improvement meetings. My daddy was reading the papers and my mother was doing something on her laptop as they said in a shocked tone, “Sure.” My daddy looked at my mother as if his eyes were going to pop out his head. She looked at him and smiled. I said, “Come on guys, give me a break.” Summer was lying on the floor doing her homework. She kept her eyes on her paper as she said, “The hermit came out of her cave.” I laughed and said, “Come on guys. Cut it out. Gosh, is it a crime to study? Is it a crime to have a plan? It is a crime to…” Summer cut me off and said, “Please, Bree. Please… yes, it’s a crime if you are not enjoying life. Life is supposed to be lived, not holding yourself hostage in a room filled with books. You’re robbing yourself of happiness, Bree.” I said, “Summer. Ms. Know-It-All.” Summer answered, “No, I am Summer who has the common sense to not put a shield over my life. I share my love with the people I love. Bree, you share what you want to share when it is a good time for you. That’s called being selfish.” My daddy looked at me and didn’t say a word. My mother smiled. I said, “Oh, okay, I know where this conversation is headed.” I gave everyone a hug and said, “Well, let me get my selfish butt out of here.”
I’d passed the place about a million times. It was in a cute little white church. I’d always thought the church was abandoned. As I walked in, I put my hair up in a bow and straightened out my shirt. I heard people talking but I couldn’t find the room. I walked down a hallway that turned into a small eating area. Voices begin to become clearer as I walked past three small rooms. They were in a huge cafeteria in the back. When I walked in it was so bright, and I instantly felt the love because of the energy that was in the room. Instead of sitting in a circle, they used their chairs to form a heart; which was too cute.
Chloe was leading the discussion. She said, “Repeat after me; I am important. I am healthy. I am smart. I am in love with myself.” She looked up and said as her voice changed and filled with joy as she saw me, “I am loved.” She walked over to me with her arms spread wide as she embraced me with a hug. I hugged her back and she said, “Everyone, this is Breana
. She is my sister, my best friend, and the Yin to my Yang.” Everyone said, “Hello.” A couple of people said, “That is Brenna the Brave.” A girl walked up to me. She had to be around Summer’s age. She had on what looked like an extra-large shirt, baggy jeans, and shoes that looked as if they were extremely too small. She had beautiful hair, but it was all over the place. Her skin was pale and she had a sandwich in her hand as she said, “How are you doing, Breana the Brave?” I smiled and replied, “I am fine, thank you. How are you doing?” She had the cutest smile and said, “I am fine, better than ever, thank you.” I said, “That sounds awesome. What is your name?” She said, “My name is Katie.” As I shook her hand I said, “Well… hello, Katie.” I smiled and walked over to take a seat.
Chloe said, “We are about to touch bases on what we are thankful for.” This one lady with long beautiful hair and a couple of teeth missing in her mouth said, “I am thankful to be alive.” There was another lady who had on a black suit with a white blouse she said, “I am thankful for my job.” The little girl Katie said, “I am thankful and happy to see Breana the Brave.” I smiled. I looked over and saw Ruby, who looked at me and said, “I am thankful that people make time for others. I hope they realize they are blessings and angels walking on earth.” Chloe said, “I am thankful for my family, friends, and for everyone in this meeting.” It was my turn. I said, “I am thankful that I am loved by my family and friends. I am thankful for my journey. I am thankful to be healthy and alive. I am most definitely thankful for those who never gave up on me.”
As the meeting proceeded, it was time for a light snack. There were tuna fish sandwiches, mixed fruits, bottles of water, and mixed nuts. I walked over to Ruby and told her she looked so refreshed. She said, “Thank you. I feel good. I was on my last legs and I just didn’t have the strength to live anymore until you walked into my life at the right time. Chloe has been such a blessing. I talked to your lawyer, well... our lawyer. If I have to take the stand, I am going to speak my truth. Thank you for not being afraid to talk to me. Most people judge me and think I am a freak but you really gave me a second chance at life. …and I am loving it.” I said, “No problem. Us ladies have to stick together.”
After the meeting, Chloe and I talked for hours. It was wonderful to see my bestie. I said, “I didn’t know you had all of this going on. I didn’t know it was this deep and heartfelt. That is wonderful, Chloe! You are changing so many people’s lives.” Chloe said, “This is my dream. I know my calling. I am going to start a non-profit for young girls and women. You gave me the name of it when you said to Ruby, us women have to stick together. How does that sound? I told her, “That sounds perfect!” Chloe said, “I started off at zero. I used to be in this big room waiting for people to come in. As the weeks went by I had maybe one person. Now I have eight people and it is going to grow.” I smiled, “Wow, Chloe that is amazing!” Chloe said, “Yin, I am going to school to be a psychiatrist so I can help women. We as women go through a lot, and most of the time it is ignored. Not on my watch. I am going to do something about it.” I replied, “I believe in you, Confident Chloe!”
I asked Chloe about Katie and she said, “Katie resides in a children’s program down the street. I just so happened to see her at the church all the time and I asked her caregiver if it would be okay if she attended the meeting. She agreed.”
I said, “Oh, wow.”
Chloe said, “Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Just like you, that little girl is going places in life.” I responded, “Correction, just like us she’s going places in life.” After Chloe locked the church up, we went to get something to eat. It felt so good talking to my best friend. I’d missed our long conversations.
I called Chloe to let her know I made it home. We continued the conversation we had during dinner. I talked to her about T’eo. Chloe reminded me to keep it straightforward and that T’eo isn’t Brian. I had to reassure her that I am not putting up a wall, I just have goals that I’ve set and have to accomplish. I also told her what Summer had said. Chloe laughed, “Leave it up to Summer to speak the truth. She’s going to do it!” I laughed. My face looked serious when I said, “Summer was right. I’ve been selfish and mean towards the people I love and who love me.”
Chloe made sure I understood that I shouldn’t shut people out and I have to learn how to juggle the things I need to do for myself, family and friends. I told Chloe how much I missed T’eo and she said, “Well… call him.” I told her that was so much easier said than done. She replied, “Maybe, but you are going to miss out on a winner because of how much time you put into crying over spilled milk. That isn’t fair. It is time for you to own up to what you’ve been doing.” I agreed with Chloe, “Yeah, you, my mom, brother, sister, and T’eo are right. I am going to reach out to T’eo and hope he will talk to me.” Chloe laughed, “Girl, please. He is miserable and waiting on your call.” I told her, “I am doing to do something special.” Chloe said, “Ugh, it better not be something I wouldn’t do.” I laughed again, “Ugh, Hell, no. I am not talking about that kind of special.” I continued, “Speaking of you, what’s been going on with you?” Chloe replied, “For the first time I have no drama and nothing to tell. I want to start the non-profit, go to school and take it from there.” She continued, “Wow. We are seniors. Our life is just beginning.” I laid on my bed and said, “Yeah, can you believe it? I remember when we were in grade school—time goes by so fast.” Chloe agreed. “It sure does. That is why we cannot waste time because life is too short.” She continued, “Well, Yin, I am tired and beat. I am about to shower and call it a day. It was good seeing you. I enjoyed spending time with you.” I smiled and said, “It was wonderful seeing you too. I enjoyed our talk. My Yang, you are the best and I thank you for everything.” We said goodnight and that we loved each other, and called it a day.
20
Chapter twenty
I had an appointment with my high school counselor
today so we could talk about where I am and what I have to do to get where I need to be. As I walked through the halls, I must say I do not miss this place. I noticed all the red, white and pink balloons and realized that it was Valentine’s Day.
There were a few people in the hallway saying hello and waving. Of course, I spoke and waved back. I looked at the time as I hurried to Mrs. Morgan’s office. I didn’t want to run into anyone, since classes were still in session. I was told by the secretary that Mrs. Morgan had an emergency and she had to leave work early today, but she’d left me a package to look over.
As I walked quickly down the hallway, rushing to get out the school building, you would never believe who ran into me. Ugh, Right. Brian. He said, “Bree, I am glad to see you here.” I kept walking and I threw a hand in the air and said in a dry tone, “Hi, Brian.” He was trying to keep up with my fast pace as he said, “Dang, hold up, Bree.” I kept on walking. He asked a dude with dreads if he could have two of the roses that were in a vase, and could he have one of his heart-shaped balloons? The guy said, “Man, no, these are for my girl.” Brian said, “Give her the rest of the roses in the vase, and man, you have more than enough balloons. She wouldn’t know two roses and a balloon are missing.”
As I walked out of the office from signing out. Brian ran up to me and said, “Bree. I got these for you. See, you are still on my mind, day in and day out. I miss you, Bree. Remember, we were B&B? Brian and Breana.” I looked at Brian as I shook my head and said, “You just took those roses and balloons from that dude over there. You should be ashamed of yourself.” I laughed as I opened the door and said, “Some people will never change.” Brian yelled my name and said, “Bree, don’t think you are better than me! You ain’t shit!” As I walked down the stairs I laughed because him breaking up with me is the best thing he ever did!
***
I went to the mall to get a couple of things for T’eo for Valentine’s Day. I know he might not take them, but I do not care—I wanted to make this day special with
the hope I can get him back. I went to Build-A-Bear Workshop to put a rush on an order for him. I did the same for a couple of things I bought from Things Remembered as well. While they were getting my purchases together I went to the Farmers Market to get him a plate and something for me to eat too. I went to Publix to get a small heart-shaped cake for us to share.
I texted T’eo and asked him, if he didn’t mind, could he make time for me so we could talk? I waited around a little longer than I intended for the things I ordered, but since they were at the last minute and a rush order, I was patient. I didn’t have anything to lose because I kept looking at my phone, but T’eo didn’t text me back. I was disappointed, but I decided not to cancel the orders because I bought them out of the kindness of my heart.
As I walked around the mall there were dudes all over the place ordering chocolate candy, cookie cakes, carrying bouquets of roses and dozens of red, white and pink balloons. There were some balloons that had teddy bears in them—I thought that was too cute. I looked at my phone again, and no answer from T’eo. As I waited for a call or text from Build-A-Bear or Things Remembered, I decided to pull out a piece of paper from my purse and write T’eo a letter. I finally got the call to pick up my items. After I picked them up, I decided to take the long way home with hopes that T’eo would text me back.
On my way home, I pulled into a favorite park and sat there for a while and cried. I began to talk out loud to my higher self and said, “Maybe I was being selfish, but I wanted to stay focused. I have a lot to lose and I want people to understand that.”
Unapologetic for My Flaws and All Page 22