Loved You Once

by Claudia Burgoa

  Okay, she’s gently dismissing me and telling me she doesn’t expect much from me. I accept it, for now. At least we’re talking, and that’s a big step. Two weeks ago, I had no idea what to do with the emptiness in my chest.

  Today, I have hope.

  I have her.

  “What do you think about flying back to San Francisco together?” I bring the subject back to a lighter topic.

  “Nice change of subject.” She looks at me, somehow pleased. Maybe she was wondering how to stop the conversation. It was getting heavy. Too heavy. “That’ll be good. By then, I should be rested, and I can go into the office and get some work done. We received another big donation, this one from Pierce. We have a lot to plan. Tonight, we’ll gather everyone in the conference room, and we’ll choose everything we need for the house.”

  “What do you think about building a house by the lake?” I ask, because it’s not just about letting me build a house, it’s more about starting to build our future.

  “You love the area, the view…” she pauses, looking around, and then continues, “Just make sure the master bedroom has a veranda that looks to the lake. Maybe even make it so it goes from one side of the house to the other, so you can see the sunrise and the sunset.

  “Whoever moves in with you will appreciate the little details that you add. Maybe we can set up a beauty pageant and choose your future wife.”

  “Funny that you mention it, because after our kiss in front of the medical offices, they know I’m taken.”

  “You’re not!” she says defensively.

  “But I am,” I correct her.

  “It’s always been you, Blaire,” I whisper. “I’m here because my father lost his fucking mind, but I’m staying for you. I want to save the town, but I want to save myself, too. Recover the love I threw away years ago. I made a mistake, but I want to fulfill those promises I made when we were younger. We’ll take it one moment at a time, and, hopefully, all of them will become your favorites.”

  I look into her eyes, and they reflect the same ache and longing I feel for her.

  “Tell me no,” I warn her, before taking her and kissing her.

  Twenty-One

  Blaire

  Unable to find my voice, I nod. I could’ve said no, but how can I say no to his kisses when I’m starving for them.

  Starving for him.

  Time seems to stand still for a bit, as he looks at me intensely before his lips are on mine. There’s no gentleness to this kiss; it’s one consuming movement after another. As his tongue invades my mouth, his thumb caresses my jaw. I’m turning into liquid, melting into him.

  Every flick of his tongue reminds me, not only that he once owned me, but of our favorite moments. Those times when we’d be hiking and just talking about our future.

  My mind screams, don’t let this happen, stop. I shouldn’t let our past, my wishes, and our dreams drag me into this nonsense.

  The electricity shooting across my skin and traveling up and down my body isn’t allowing me to think straight.

  You know how the story ends, I coach myself.

  It’s a battle between my lust and my mind. Pleasure and desire are fighting for what’s rightfully theirs, Hayes. The next year and a half is going to be a hell of a test to my self-control.

  On second thought, we could make a deal. Ex-lovers with benefits. That could be a term, right? No, that’s my starved body talking. I miss his touch.

  If only… Use your head!

  But how can I when my heart is thumping too fast and my soul is about to give itself to Hayes again. As much as I’m enjoying his lips and consuming him as he consumes me, I order myself to stop this nonsense.

  Pushing him away, I try to recover from the world-shattering kiss, and I notice his blazing eyes filled with desire. I fight fire with ice and remember the cold words he said to me before he left me.

  “You called it off. You said it was over,” I say angrily, panting as I fight for oxygen and push away the desire.

  I’m not that girl begging for his love, for someone to care for me. I’m a woman who loves herself above everyone and will only let herself love someone who is worthy of her heart.

  “You said you stopped loving me,” I insist, bringing back his words, not only to remind him of what he did, but to remind myself, too. “It’s been years, and you can’t just assume that because we have chemistry, you can just pick up where you left off. Yes, we could try to pass the time by fucking each other and then go our separate ways, but I loved you too much back then, and I’d be stupid to believe that I wouldn’t fall for you again.”

  He studies me, crossing his arms. Whatever I said was not just interesting but something he could use for later. I wait for his next move, his next words.

  “You won’t be alone. We can fall together,” he says with that low commanding voice that used to get me every time.

  Damn it. What is his game?

  “I won’t allow it.”

  Yes, it’s a childish answer, but what else can I say when I’m not sure about his intentions? I follow that up with, “I’m too old to fall for the same trick twice. In less than two years, you’re going to say, ‘I don’t love you anymore’—if you ever did.”

  “I never said I didn’t love you, Blaire,” he says, taking a couple of steps closer to me. He’s almost towering over me. “If you’re going to hold on to the past, at least grab on to the right words.”

  It’s not like him to play around with words and feelings. What is he saying? I feel like I missed something or… It doesn’t matter. I can’t deal with him right now.

  “So, what now? You’re saying that you twisted your words?” I’m fuming, and my fists are closed. If I could, I’d punch him in the gut, but nothing happens when you punch a brick of muscles.

  “We should talk,” he insists.

  “Just stay away from me,” I warn him, walking away from his tempting body and delicious mouth. Next time, I’ll say no to the kiss.

  I shouldn’t allow there to be a next time, but I’m weak when it comes to him. In any case, if I’m ever tempted, I’ll remember the moment he broke my heart. I’ll remember his blank stare and dead expression. The void he left in my heart and soul the day he left me.

  By the end of my freshman year, I move in with Hayes. My parents sold our family home when I moved on campus. Mom lives in a studio down in San Diego. Dad moved to Kansas with his new girlfriend. Living with Hayes makes sense since I practically stay at his place every night.

  Our lives are hectic. I get a part-time job at the coffee shop and volunteer at the hospital a couple of times a week. And Hayes is always busy, but at the end of the day, we share dessert, eat dinner, and go out for a walk. At the end of his senior year, he chooses to go to med school in Palo Alto, so we can be together.

  However, at the last minute, the Johns Hopkins program sends him an acceptance letter, and he chooses to leave. It’s okay, I tell myself, as we make plans. During the few weeks we have left, we do some traveling. We camp near Baker’s Creek—his family’s hometown—during the fourth of July.

  Hayes asks Carter to move in with me since I need a roommate, and he doesn’t want me to be alone. Everything is going as plan, I worry about the distance. However, I trust Hayes.

  “It’s just two years,” he says every night before I fall asleep in his arms.

  The day comes, and I’m feeling uneasy. I wish I could go with him. At least drop him at his new apartment. Carter is downstairs waiting in the car to drive him. I wish someone had taken my shift at the hospital so I could at least go with them.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Blaire.” He looks at me sternly. I worry, because he’s never looked at me like that, as if I was a stranger. Not even when we met.

  “This?” I ask confused.

  “Us. We’re already at different stages of our lives. Who knows what’s going to happen with me while I’m away, and you have a couple of busy years ahead of you. I think it’s best if we just go ou
r separate ways.”

  My entire world blows into a million pieces. His words negate everything we talked about since he received his acceptance to Johns Hopkins. All the nights when we planned our schedules. Calls, texts, trips to see each other. I have a ticket to Baltimore. We’re supposed to be spending my birthday in D.C., visiting the Smithsonian museums.

  “Wait, you’re joking right? We made plans. I’ll be applying to Johns Hopkins. Maybe if we get married, they’d have to accept me.”

  He laughs, and it’s like he’s mocking me, as if saying, you poor, incredulous child, you can’t possibly believe this can work.

  “Blaire, the odds that we end up in the same city are low. Too low,” he explains to me, as if I’m a stupid child who can’t possibly understand the grown-up world. “I refuse to spend the next ten years of my life trying to make this work when we know it’s impossible.”

  “You said we were meant to be together … that we’re soulmates.” I’m feeling hollow. He’s stripping me of everything I’ve known since we met. From our future. “We belong to each other.”

  “Well, things change. Love doesn’t last, Blaire. It’s a fact of life, and I’m going to be too busy to put any effort into…”

  Me. He doesn’t say it, but I know he’s thinking.

  “You’re young. You haven’t lived. This is a good thing,” he assures me. “You’ll meet people, fall in love with someone else, and find a different path. Life is always changing.”

  “But you love me.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t love you the same way I did when we met.”

  His words feel like a knife through my heart. My entire world disappears in an instant. Everything I built with him is gone. Blown away by his words. The ache in my chest is all-consuming.

  “Take care of yourself, Blaire,” he says and walks away.

  When I close the door, I fall onto the floor and lose my composure. I gasp for air as the sobs continue. I don’t know how long I’m on the floor crying because I’m drowning in sadness and pain, in the fact that he left me and doesn’t love me anymore.

  “Hey,” I hear Carter’s voice, and then he’s holding me up. “I’m sorry, babe. He’s an asshole, just like our fucking father. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get through this together. Okay? I’ll find you a rebound guy and then we’ll find you your forever. We Aldridges aren’t meant for love, sweetheart. But when I saw him with you, I thought … there was hope for the rest of us.”

  Twenty-Two

  Hayes

  I walk behind Blaire, but I don’t say a word. She’s right. I said those exact words to convince her it was over. There were no lies; I just twisted the words. I don’t love you the same way I did before meant, I love you even more. In fact, I love you so much that it scares the fuck out of me, and I have to run away.

  It was so much easier to end what we had than be brave and stay with her. Here’s one of the ways young people allow fear to ruin their lives. We think that we have time, that love is everywhere, that happiness will be waiting just around the corner, that everything will come together once we become adults.

  We’re so gullible.

  When Blaire enters The Lodge, she turns around and looks at me. Her eyes are filled with moisture, and I want to reach out to her and tell her that I lied, but maybe she already knows and is disappointed in me. She exchanges a few words with Sophia and then walks to the elevator.

  I stop by the check-in desk where Sophia is now chatting with a guy who is installing a new computer as she types away on her laptop.

  “Where’s your boss?”

  “Either training Nick and his team or having Vance kill them and dispose of their bodies,” she answers seriously, her attention still focused on her monitor. However, I detect a glint of humor in her expression. “It’s hard to tell. You know how volatile he can be.”

  I laugh because, even though she’s joking, Vance and Henry are the hot-headed ones of the family. They could be plotting the demise of Nick if he’s being an asshole.

  “Can you please book a flight for Blaire and myself to San Francisco?” I request, because Henry mentioned she could take care of it for us.

  She finally looks up at me and narrows her eyes. “What’s the story between you two?”

  “It’s a long story, and I’m not good at giving just the CliffsNotes version—or telling it at all for that matter,” I answer.

  Her suspicious gaze reminds me a little of my mother when I try to hide something from her.

  “Is it really long?” she asks. “She’s Carter’s widow, yet you seem to be in love with each other.”

  “Not sure about the latter,” I argue.

  “Either way, this is better than a telenovela. I can’t wait to see who wins. I really need to set up a board like the one they create for March Madness, but instead of NCAA teams, I’ll add all of your names. I’d call it the Aldridge Madness board,” she jokes.

  Her excitement is contagious. Her working relationship with my brother intrigues me, so I decide to poke around Henry’s business, too.

  “I like you, and yet, I can’t understand why you work for Henry. You’re everything he hates.”

  She winks at me. “Maybe that’s why we work so well together.”

  “What’s the story?”

  Sophia shrugs. “There isn’t one.”

  “I don’t believe you,” I insist.

  “Well, he used to fire every assistant he had before me,” she answers. “If there’s a story, I’m not privy to it. Anyway, send me your personal information, so I can book your flight. Do you need a helicopter to take you to Portland?”

  “Yes, please.” I thank her and head to my room.

  I start my laptop and the email application notifies me that I’ve received an email from Pierce. Attached to it is the questionnaire he mentioned. It doesn’t take me long to answer and then I email it back to him. I send another email to my practice partners and open the message Easton sent with his initial quote. A few minutes later, there’s a knock on my door. When I open it, it’s Blaire.

  “What can I do for you, gorgeous girl?” I ask, wiggling my eyes.

  I doubt she’s here to have sex, but a guy can always hope. She gives me an unamused glare.

  “Are you in a bad mood?”

  “No, just…” annoyed at me, she doesn’t say, but I can feel it in my bones. “Sophia texted me. We received a bunch of binders from the contractor. She put them in the conference room for us to review. The messenger said it was urgent.”

  “Let me grab my computer, and we can head downstairs together,” I announce.

  Once I pack my laptop in its bag, we leave the suite. She walks in front of me, and I can’t help but stare at her delicious ass.

  “Stop ogling,” she orders, as she calls for the elevator.

  “Can you blame me?” I ask. “You’re not the only one allowed to eye fuck others, you know.”

  She looks at me with an angry expression, but her eyes, those cool ice blue eyes, sparkle with humor.

  “We’re great together, Love.”

  “Hayes,” she says, and it’s a bit of a warning or more like a ‘let's not do this now’ kind of tone.

  “I received the initial quote,” I mention, changing the subject, while we wait for the elevator. “It might be cheaper to buy a new house if we weren’t pressed for time.”

  “Are you still building the house by the lake?”

  I glance toward her and nod once.

  “Why would you do it when you’ll be going back to San Francisco after this is over.”

  “We’re setting up a practice,” I remind her. “There’re a lot of things that can happen between now and then. I could demonstrate it with the laws of physics and show you how they can be directly responsible for the future. Which is why I need that house.”

  She smiles. “You’re such a nerd.”

  And you used to love it, I think, but don’t say.

  “Is that an observation, or
are you judging me?”

  “I’m just bringing up the obvious,” she declares. “You’re telling me that you can foresee your future based on the laws of physics. That’s not only judgment worthy but unbelievable.”

  “It’s science.”

  “Everything can be explained with science according to you,” she says and rolls her eyes. “Educate me, which laws apply to your life.”

  “As much as I’d like to impart my knowledge upon you about quantum physics, the laws of attraction and … you and I,” I say, stepping into the elevator, “I regret to inform you that, today, I’ll have to leave you in the dark.”

  “Ha,” she groans and crosses her arms. “Why are you denying me such an honor?”

  “You’ve heard it before, for every action, there’s a reaction,” I explain. “Every time I bring up our past, present or future, you get upset. I’m smart enough to quit while I’m ahead, babe.”

  In that moment, the elevator arrives on the main floor and the doors slide open. Blaire is looking at me speechless, so I wave my hand for her to step outside first, and I smirk at her.

  If Sophia had the Albridge Madness board like she joked, I’d be marking my win.

  Hayes 1.

  When I enter the conference room, Blaire frowns at me. I’m about to say something when Mills waltzes in with Arden in his arms.

  “We found Aunt Skittles,” he announces in a very excited voice.

  “Kittos,” Arden says and releases a sweet laugh, as if he just saw a rainbow.

  “I don’t carry Skittles anymore,” Blaire corrects him. “Maybe we can just call me Blaire.”

  “Like Beyoncé or Madonna, just Blaire,” I mock her, and she glares at me. “What? I’m just wondering if that’s what you’re going for.”

  “I’m watching you, Aldridge,” she warns me. “You’re up to something.”