Rude Awakenings

by Jonathan Eaves

a real bastard.' And with that Ron resumed his initial quick pace.

  24

  The hideaway of the Merrie Men was indeed deep in Elmswood forest and, Anyx was sure, would have been impossible to find if it hadn't been for the length of ribbon which was tied from tree to tree and which eventually led to a clearing dominated by a massive, ancient elm. Underneath the tree a man was sitting, clad head to toe in green and who was casually stringing an enormous longbow.

  He slowly rose to his feet and looked completely unsurprised at the sight of a dwarf slung over Ron's back. 'Ah, 'Ron,' he said in voice that, to Anyx, shouted upper class twit. 'I see you've brought us a guest.'

  Ron nodded his head. 'He helped us out, Robin. I thought you might want to see him,' he replied. 'You said to look out for lick-minded individuals.'

  'Like-minded, Ron,' Robin corrected. He turned his attention to Anyx who continued to wriggle upon the giant's back.

  'I'm very pleased that Ron thought to bring you to meet me.' At the word thought his eyes seemed to temporarily glass over. It was obvious that Anyx wasn't the only one who considered Ron and any form of cognitive process to be unlikely bed-fellows.

  The outlaw leader took a step forward, right hand outstretched. 'Robin B'La Clava, delighted to make your acquaintance. And you are...'

  'A tad annoyed, old chap,' Anyx replied, mimicking Robin's posh accent.

  The leader of the Merrie Men dipped his head in acknowledgement at the dwarf's mockery. He was used to being ridiculed and the fact made him smile, for the truth was that, despite being high born, he considered himself no more noble or aristocratic than the next man. In fact, the whole foppish fool persona was no more than an act, for he had long since discovered that, when encountering someone for the first time, it often proved useful to come across as a dim-witted toff. It lulled people into a false sense of security and put them off their guard, a fact that Robin had often used to his advantage. In reality, Robin B'La Clava was the third-born son of a middling aristocrat, and he'd been trained to be a knight since he could hold aloft a wooden sword.

  He placed his bow to one side. 'Come, my good man, there's no need to be insulting,' he said with an almost imperceptible smirk upon his face.

  Anyx looked straight into Robin's eyes - not an easy task as he was still strung over Ron's shoulders. 'Very well,' he replied through gritted teeth. 'Would you be so good as to ask your trained gorilla here to put me down?'

  'That's more like it, old boy. Ron, put our little friend down. Gently! That's better. Now, let's start again shall we. I'm - '

  ' - about to get your knees chewed off if you don't let me go,' said Anyx, in what he hoped was a menacing tone.

  Robin tutted. 'Now there you go again. There's simply no need for it, don't you know. Very bad form, making threats before everyone has been properly introduced.' He shook his head. 'Very bad form indeed!'

  Anyx looked at Robin in amazement. 'And kidnapping isn't 'very bad form?' he asked incredulously.

  Robin contrived to look shocked. 'Kidnapping?' he said. 'Why, Ron simply invited you here to have a jolly old chinwag. You're free to go at any time.'

  Anyx was far too streetwise to take B'La Clava's words at face value. He'd been disappointed too many times. 'Really?' he asked suspiciously.

  'Of course.'

  'Goodbye then.'

  'Free to go, that is, once we've all been introduced, and had a lovely natter. Tea?'

  Anyx shook his head. He wasn't surprised that there'd be a catch, so he resigned himself to listening to what this pompous git had to say. Besides he was sure that there would be a chance to get away at some time, he just needed to keep his eyes open. 'Tea?' he asked scornfully. 'Have you not got anything stronger?'

  'Coffee?'

  'I was thinking something... even stronger.'

  Realisation struck Robin. 'Ah, I see. We may have some sherry somewhere.'

  'Sherry!' Anyx laughed. 'You're a bunch of would-be outlaws and the strongest liquor you have is sherry?'

  'It is an amontillado!' Robin protested, thoroughly enjoying himself at his over the top guise.

  'Really?' Anyx replied. 'Isn't that some sort of animal?'

  'A common misconception,' Robin answered smoothly 'You're thinking of a Fino, which, I believe, is a small burrowing mammal, covered in strong bony plates.'

  'Right,' replied Anyx. 'A large glass of armadillo it is then.'

  25

  As the drinks were served, Anyx took the opportunity to study the leader of the Merrie Men. When it came to judging people the dwarf considered himself to be pretty savvy, and there was something about this guy that just didn't feel quite right. Anyx had come across many posh twits in his time, but none had been quite as posh, or quite as twittish, as B'La Clava here.

  Robin stood and tapped the nail of his forefinger on his goblet in the time-honoured style of a pompous prat, trying to attract attention. 'Ahem. Time for introductions, then,' he announced. He turned to face Anyx. 'Ron, you already know' he started, 'and this is the Maid A'Veil-'

  The Maid A'Veil curtsied shyly. She was a tall, slim girl of about eighteen or nineteen, with blond hair which was probably quite long but was currently hidden beneath a wimple, only a few wisps showing and which were obviously tickling her nose. She gently blew the strands away from her face and, at the action, the word 'demure' immediately sprang to the dwarf's mind. He turned his attention back to Robin. 'This is Brother Grub,' the leader was saying, pointing to a rather rotund, tonsured man of the cloth, clad in the brown robes of monkhood, who made a small bow of acknowledgement. Anyx returned the gesture before turning his eyes back to Robin, who, the dwarf observed, though slim at the waist possessed very broad shoulders, a sure sign that the guy could wield a long bow and would be fairly handy with a sword as well...

  'Will Scarper I think you've met also,' Robin continued. Will had been the red tight wearing member of the band Anyx had encountered in the Griffin's cellar. 'And this,' Robin pointed to a curly-haired and freckled youngster of about 15, 'is Lott, the Milliner's son.'

  'Nice hat,' Anyx offered, and Lott acknowledged the compliment by touching the peak of his be-feathered headgear.

  'Well, thanks for the introductions,' said Anyx, pulling himself to his feet, 'and I'm sure, under any other circumstances that didn't involve me being forcibly abducted by a moronic man mountain, it would have been an absolute delight to meet you all. However right now, I'm afraid, I simply must be going.'

  Robin smiled and held his arms out wide. 'But my dear boy, you are, of course, free to go at any time. Any time at all. If, that is, you can find your way out of the forest without going round and round in circles before collapsing in exhaustion and waking up to find one of our rather less than friendly wolves shaking you warmly by the throat.'

  'I could always follow the ribbon...'

  'Good point,' replied Robin without breaking his stride. 'The thing is, my good chap, Ron seems to think that you saved the Merrie Men from falling into Grantt's clutches, if trolls have clutches, that is.'

  'If you mean I told them to do a runner, then, well, yes I did,' Anyx replied. 'But-'

  'And he says you're pretty smart.'

  'Compared to Ron I am, but then again so is that tree stump he's sitting on.'

  'Hey, that's unfair,' said Ron and the tree stump at the same time.

  'Well, you may be just the man...'

  'Dwarf.'

  'Sorry, dwarf we're looking for. You see,' Robin went on, now leaning back against the massive elm, 'one of our associates is currently being held by the Grantt in the dungeons of Marasmus Castle. We do, of course, have a plan to rescue him, but, you see old boy, it hinges on just one thing.'

  Despite himself, and against his better judgement, Anyx found himself curious. 'Which is?' he asked.

  'The small matter of getting a message to him-'

  'Ah,' replied the dwarf with realization. He folded his arms across his chest. 'And that's where I come in, I suppose.'

/>   'Exactly!' replied Robin, smiling. 'Ron's right, you are smart.'

  Anyx returned the smile. 'If you think I'm getting involved in any way then you must think me stupid, not smart.'

  Robin arched his eyebrows. 'But you haven't heard the plan yet.'

  'No,' the dwarf admitted, 'but I think I can guess. Let me see... you'll no doubt want me to get arrested and thrown in the cells so I can portray the message to your mate. Basically you want a patsy and I'm the silly bugger who just happened along.'

  'Well-' said Robin, somewhat taken aback by the dwarf's astuteness.

  'Then,' continued Anyx, 'you'll want me to give... what's this prisoner's name?

  'Azif,' answered Robin.

  'Right, so you'll want me to give Azif the message which will be something along the lines of 'when they take you to be hanged make sure you duck when you get to the edge of the market place', and then, when Azif gets to the edge of the market place and promptly ducks, you lot will take that as your cue to unleash a deadly shower of arrows, which will be an unfeasibly heavy shower, given your limited numbers, and which you'll have no doubt set fire to, and in the ensuing chaos Azif will be smuggled into the back of a covered wagon which, by the way, has amazingly not been the object of suspicion despite it being placed obtrusively next to the gallows-'

  'But how-'

  The dwarf held his hand up. 'Please, allow me to finish. Once Azif is inside this seemingly invisible wagon the driver, who, to all intents and purposes, is nothing more than a country bumpkin come up to town to sell his wares, will suddenly unveil himself as... you, probably, who just happens to be the best driver since, well, that shoemaker bloke who was a really, really good driver-'

  'Amazing,' said Robin in disbelief. 'That's the plan, almost to the letter.' He shook his head in admiration.

  'The only thing is,' Anyx continued, 'you've failed to see the obvious flaw.'

  'Flaw?'

  'Yes, I will still be in custody.'

  'That's true,' Robin acknowledged, 'but, the thing is, Azif will be free.'

  'But I won't be.'

  'Yes, yes, but Azif is far more important to the cause.'

  'But I don't share your cause!' protested the dwarf.

  Robin shrugged. 'Neither does Azif, as a matter of fact, old boy.'

  'So why is he more important, then?'

  'Well, because he's really good at fighting, obviously.'

  'Fighting?' said Anyx. 'I thought you lot were all about joking and jesting and japing.'

  'Generally speaking, yes,' Robin replied slowly. 'Jesting and japing and joshing and joking and jollifying are what we believe in. But, as I'm sure even you have noticed, we are prohibited by law to jest and jape and josh. And so we have to fight.'

  Anyx didn't reply. Instead he wandered across the clearing to where Will had dropped his pack. He rummaged through it and produced a foul-looking pipe. He put it into his mouth and sucked on it without lighting it, producing a disgusting gurgling sound. 'I don't suppose anyone's got any spare tobacco?' he asked.

  Robin shook his head with a disgusted look upon his face. 'We don't smoke,' he informed the dwarf.

  'Really?' replied Anyx, returning to his seat. 'You lot are just too good to be true.'

  'Look, I know you don't know us, and you don't believe in what we believe,' said Robin. 'But look around, old boy. We need all the help we can get.' He leaned forward, a grave look upon his face. 'Will you help us?' he asked. 'We really do need Azif.'

  'And then about another two or three thousand like him,' Anyx replied. He looked around the clearing before coming to a decision. 'Listen,' he said in a more friendly tone, 'when it comes to planning daring, swashbuckling escapes, you're looking at a master. I've avoided more bailiffs than you've avoided... reality. Yes, I'll help you, but it'll cost you.'

  Now it was Robin's turn to be wary. 'You'll help us plan Azif's escape? For what?'

  'Well, firstly, you lot never, ever bothering me again.'

  Robin considered this for about a