Rude Awakenings

by Jonathan Eaves

'that your little aberration, as you call it, has somehow set in motion a chain of events which could have catastrophic effects.'

  'I don't understand.'

  And so the Keeper began to tell Wacchus about the Merrie Men.

  40

  Several minutes later Zammael rose to leave, oddly satisfied to note that Wacchus was now slumped dejectedly into his seat.

  The ex-god did indeed feel deflated. 'So,' he murmured to himself, 'effectively I'm relying on an alcoholic dwarf, a bunch of blokes in tights, a guy who could fall apart, quite literally, at any moment, a dozy medic and an extra large medium. Dad help me!'

  He watched Zammael's retreating back for a second or two before he realised that the warden was leaving. 'Hey,' Wacchus cried, 'what about this damned jacket?'

  'No can do, I'm afraid,' replied the Keeper as he continued to walk away.

  'Well you could at least turn the bloody page for me!'

  41

  Will and the Maid A'Veil were waiting anxiously at the croft and rushed forward to meet Anyx as he approached. The dwarf's damaged ankle had slowed him, but at least he had used the time to make his preparations.

  'Well?' asked Will.

  'Grantt will be here with Azif within the half-hour.' He looked at the passage of the sun. 'Less, probably,' he grunted. 'Will, I want you to take the Maid's bow and get up onto the roof of the croft. Nock an arrow and then aim it at her-'

  'The Maid?' Will asked confusedly.

  'Yes,' replied the dwarf, all business-like. 'And make sure that Grantt can see you clearly.'

  But... at A'Veil?' Will protested. The Maid said nothing.

  'Just do as I tell you, Will! Our lives may depend on it.'

  Will looked at the Maid, who remained impassive. 'Okay,' he shrugged.

  Anyx turned to A'Veil. 'I'm sorry but there's been a change of plan.'

  'You're not taking me with you,' the Maid stated simply.

  'I'm afraid not.'

  A'Veil nodded sadly. 'I was right not to trust you, it seems.'

  Anyx said nothing. There was, after all, nothing to say.

  The Maid took a step forward. 'What if I say that if you do not take me I will tell father of the rendezvous with Robin?'

  Anyx shook his head at the threat. 'I feel sure that you won't betray Robin and the others. Besides, your father is going to let slip his wolves. They'll probably run us down before we even get to Old Horse Gorse, unless we can somehow throw them off the scent. Leaving you behind is for the best, I assure you.' He turned to see Will scrambling onto the croft. 'Will,' he shouted. 'Can you see the road from there?'

  Will nodded.

  'Okay, keep your eyes open and holler when you see Grantt approaching. And make sure there's no-one following. I don't trust that bastard.' He turned back to the Maid. 'I really am sorry,' he said.

  'For what? For calling my father a bastard or for leaving me behind?' she asked before turning away from the dwarf.

  This really was the only way, Anyx consoled himself. And yet for some reason he felt wretched. He hadn't really got to know A'Veil very well, and he was sure that, just like Robin, she possessed hidden depths, but now he'd never know. With an effort, he dismissed the thought. He turned back to Will. 'When I signal you like this,' he made a beckoning action with his right hand, 'jump down and run to me as fast as you can, okay?'

  'Okay,' agreed Will.

  'Good,' stated the dwarf, and he settled down to wait for the troll.

  42

  Some minutes later Anyx was roused by Will's shout. Oh well, the dwarf thought, here goes.

  'Tell me what you see, Will,' he shouted up to the minstrel.

  'The troll, Azif and three horses. Nothing else.'

  Nothing else yet, thought the dwarf. And then a thought occurred to him. 'Take a close look at the horses, Will. Make sure none of them are lame.' It's what he would have done.

  'They all look healthy,' came Will's reply. Obviously the troll wasn't as devious as himself, thought Anyx.

  He quickly ran his hastily devised plan through his head. He'd keep the Maid behind him and ensure Grantt stopped 30 paces away. Azif would then come forward with the horses, and when he reached the dwarf that would be the moment he called Will down. Will and Azif would then take their mounts, after which he would release the Maid, telling her to walk as slowly as she could. Then he himself would mount his steed and the three of them would head off in a southerly direction until they were well out of sight. They could then circle round and start heading north-east; Grantt would hopefully assume they were heading back to Elmswood Forest which might give them an extra couple of hours' head start. It was a perfect plan, the dwarf thought. With one slight problem.

  'I can't ride a horse,' he muttered to the Maid, who was now standing behind him.

  'What?'

  'I said I can't bloody well ride a horse.'

  'Ah...'

  And Grantt stepped clearly into view.

  'Stop!' cried Anyx. 'Stay exactly where you are. Do you see my archer?'

  Grantt looked up to the roof of the croft and nodded.

  'Good,' said the dwarf. 'And you know what he's there for?'

  Again Grantt nodded.

  'Okay,' said the dwarf. 'This is how it's going to be. You'll send Azif forward with the horses.'

  'Not before you send my daughter to me,' the troll captain replied. He looked towards his daughter. 'Are you alright, A'Veil? Have they harmed you in any way, because if they have-'

  'No father,' she interrupted him. 'I am perfectly safe.'

  'I'm not prepared to negotiate, Captain,' Anyx declared, once again wondering at how Grantt and A'Veil's relationship had come about. 'You will have your daughter as soon as I have Azif and the horses.'

  'Very well,' growled the troll. 'It doesn't matter really - you're a dead man walking anyway.'

  'Dead dwarf walking,' Anyx corrected with a growl. 'Enough of the chat - send Azif forward.'

  Grantt hesitated slightly before giving Azif a stiff nudge in the back. 'Go on, Moor,' he murmured in a low tone. 'Until we meet again.'

  'Go in peace,' replied Azif softly, before leading the horses forward.

  As Azif reached the halfway point Anyx turned to A'Veil. 'Okay, you'd better go.'

  The Maid nodded and started forward. After a few strides she turned back to the dwarf. 'What are you going to do? About not being able to ride, I mean.'

  Anyx shrugged. 'Guess I'll double up, I suppose. With Will. At least it'll mean a spare horse should one get lame.'

  'Right,' said A'Veil. 'Good idea.' She gave Anyx a sad smile before resuming her walk towards Grantt.

  'Wait,' said Anyx. 'Do you want to send a message to Robin?'

  'No,' replied the Maid without turning. 'There's no need.'

  Fair enough, thought Anyx. Maybe Robin and the Maid weren't as close as they seemed. Oh Well.

  He turned to where Will was perched on the roof of the croft and beckoned towards him. 'Okay, it's time,' he shouted. Will nodded in understanding and jumped to the ground.

  The dwarf turned back just as the Maid A'Veil and Azif passed. The Maid went to pat one of the horses. Azif bowed a low greeting and A'Veil returned a curtsey before suddenly grabbing the bridle and leaping into the saddle. 'C'mon,' she yelled as she spurred the horse back towards the dwarf.

  Two thoughts immediately raced into the dwarf's mind. The first was 'Bloody hell, what's she doing?' And the second one, hard on the heels of the first and threatening a photo finish was, 'Bloody hell, she's going to run me down.'

  He turned to run but she was on him before he could go two paces. He could hear shouting above the sound of the horse's hooves and he realised it was Grantt. In front of him Will was waving his arms, shouting also. Anyx could feel the horse's breath upon his neck and he shut his eyes. This is it, he thought, and then, in the next instant, he had been grabbed by his collar and was swinging in mid-air before being unceremoniously heaved across the horse's back in front of the Maid.
Above the horse's breathing he could hear her laughing. 'C'mon,' she cried again. 'Will, Azif, c'mon!'

  Anyx willed himself to open an eye. Behind them Azif had jumped onto one of the mounts and was riding towards Will, who suddenly jumped up onto the other horse with a skill Anyx could hardly believe. As they followed, Anyx turned to glance back at Grantt. He had expected the troll to be shouting and gesticulating furiously. Instead he was silent and as still as a standing stone. Somehow, Anyx thought, that was more terrifying.

  43

  Back in Marasmus Chester looked up from his book in time to see Lenny appear in the doorway. The leper looked exhausted, but there was something else too. There was a faint smile upon his diseased lips and, yes, in his tired eyes there was something that the librarian had never seen before; hope.

  'Where have you been?' Chester asked gently.

  Lenny paused for a moment and thought about Robin.

  'To see a man about a god,' he replied.

  44

  Ron and Robin turned towards the voice and froze. Eventually Robin managed to find his voice. 'Um, hello,' he said.

  'Hello.'

  Robin steeled himself to take a small step forwards.

  'Er, are you a... boggart, by any chance?'

  'Correct. Well done,' came the reply. 'How did you know?'

  'The... pondweed draped all over you gave me a hint,' replied Robin nervously.

  'And that gave me away, did it?' asked the boggart, in a voice that sounded like he was talking through a snorkel.

  'As well as the, er... smell,' admitted Robin, now surreptitiously backing away.

  'Oh. Sorry about that. When you live and work in a swamp you do tend to smell a bit, well, swampy.'

  'Work?'

  The boggart pointed proudly to the sign. 'Discover Sodden Marsh, that's me.'

  Robin made a show of looking at the sign in an attempt to hide his disbelief. 'I like the 'Boggart spotting guaranteed' bit,' he said eventually, 'you can't really go wrong.'

  The boggart nodded proudly. 'Is it the daily tour you're after?' he asked politely.

  'Um, not exactly,' Robin replied. 'What we would like is-' he suddenly realised what he was saying. 'Hold on. Just hold on a second.' He lowered his voice. 'The thing is, well, you're a boggart!'

  'Yes?'

  'Well, forgive me for saying so but you're, well, quite frankly, you're bloody dangerous!'

  The boggart waved a soggy hand. 'Oh, you don't need to be afraid of me.'

  'That's easy for you to say. You're not the one standing facing a soul-sucking... monster!'

  'I resent that,' protested the boggart, pulling a face. 'I am not a monster, I'm just a small businessboggart struggling to make a living in trying circumstances.' He sniffed a wet sniff. 'I mean, have you ever heard of a bank giving a boggart an overdraft? Well, have you?' he asked. 'No, of course you haven't. Our reputation precedes us, which, may I point out, you have just proved. Besides, it's been months since I last sucked a soul. I use mints instead.'

  Despite himself Robin felt a twinge of sympathy. 'Okay, I'm sorry. What's your name?' he asked gently.

  'Um, I don't really have a name. You see, boggarts are generally known by the location which they inhabit. It's an old custom.'

  'Okay... so you're Sodden?'

  The boggart considered this. 'Perhaps you should call me Boggy,' he suggested at last.

  'Boggy. Okay, Boggy. But no soul-sucking, right?'

  'Right. Promise. Cross my heart.'

  'Do boggarts have hearts?'

  'Sometimes we have several. It all depends...'

  'On what, exactly?'

  'Well, um, this is a bit embarrassing but, well, once you've sucked a soul there's still... bits left over-'

  'Urgh!' exclaimed Robin. 'I get the picture, unfortunately.' He took a deep breath, trying to thrust the image out of his mind. He stared at the boggart for a few moments whilst weighing up his options which were, admittedly, fairly thin on the ground. 'Alright, Boggy,' he said eventually, 'against all my better judgement, I'm going to trust you.'

  Boggy made a small bow. 'Thank you,' he said. 'You can rely on me. Now, the daily tour, is it?' he asked, suddenly all business-like.

  'Um, no, not quite. The thing is we need to get across the marsh