Rude Awakenings

by Jonathan Eaves

Stones, Anyx had thought.

  Samosa led them almost to the very tip of the island and Anyx had marvelled at the older captain's patience - not because of the march, but because Swallow had managed to keep up an almost uninterrupted commentary cataloguing Samosa's supposed crimes against him. For his part Samosa remained largely silent until, two hours into the journey, he had finally had enough. He turned to Swallow and, without raising his voice, said, 'I really don't know why you consider me your enemy. I'm just a businessman, trying to make an honest living.'

  Swallow laughed. 'But you're Samosa,' he stated obviously. 'You're as much as a pirate as I am, you bloody... pirate!'

  'I'm not a pirate at all, and, let's face it, you're not much of a pirate,' Samosa replied.

  'If you're not a pirate, then why do you call your ship the Terror Pin?'

  'Because I had one as a pet, when I was a child. A diamondback. Flash, he was called.'

  'Had one what?'

  'A terrapin, of course.'

  Swallow looked puzzled. 'So you didn't name your ship because of some horrifying spike-like device intended to ram and sink innocent merchant ships?'

  'No,' Samosa replied patiently. 'Because the Pin is a merchant ship. We carry cargo.'

  'But, but, you're Samosa, the Pirate King of Gynys Mon and Scourge of the Sound of Violence!'

  'Who told you that?' Samosa asked.

  Swallow paused to consider the question. 'Um, Bough, I think.'

  Samosa laughed. 'That old bastard. Is he still going? Let me tell you something, Swallow. Bough is a devious little crook. I sacked him as my boatswain years ago, because the thieving sod was nicking half my cargo.'

  Swallow shook his head disbelievingly. 'I don't believe it,' he said eventually.

  'It's all true.'

  'But you nicked my boat!'

  Samosa sighed. 'We've been over this time and time again. Nobody stole your ship. It was tied up to the wharf all the time.'

  Swallow refused to believe his enemy. 'You're lying.'

  'For crying out loud, I'm not a pirate! I'm just a bloody shipper!'

  'Rubbish!' Swallow cried. 'And Bough is no more a crook than I am!'

  'But you're a bloody pirate! Not a very good one, admittedly-'

  'Bough is no thief!' Swallow insisted. 'Next you'll be telling me that Eliza Goose is a woman!'

  Samosa rolled his eyes. He simply couldn't think of anything else to say.

  137

  Henry looked up from his desk to see Will Doors wandering past his door.

  'How have you got on with Theodore's PDA?' he asked conversationally.

  Doors stopped. 'Um, pretty good, I think. It seems to be working at about 90%, although I'm still having trouble with Minesweeper.'

  Henry nodded. 'And where's Theodore now?' he asked.

  'Gynys Mon,' Doors replied casually. 'He's gone after those minstrels, or whatever they are.'

  'Has he now?' Henry mused. This could be it, he thought, the final straw, so to speak. He waited until Doors had moved away before, just for once, discreetly clicking his fingers...

  138

  Thankfully the stones were still standing, better then they ever did, when the party arrived a short time later, although one or two were sitting and the largest one was definitely reclining.

  'Okay,' said Robin, un-strapping his sword and slumping tiredly to the ground. 'I guess this is it. Over to you now, dwarf.'

  'What?' cried Anyx.

  'Well, you are the Awakener. Do your stuff.'

  'I'm the Awakener only according to you and that bloody stupid prophecy!' Anyx pointed out. A few yards away one of the smaller walking stones was trying to hide behind a larger one. 'And even if the prophecy is true,' the dwarf continued, 'which, as you know, I doubt, nowhere does it say that I am the Awakener. If it said something like, I don't know, 'the one to revive the slumbering deity, is Anyx Abychson, now let's have some gaiety...', then maybe I'd believe it!'

  'Hey, that's pretty good,' Robin offered.

  'Only when compared to the original!'

  Robin jumped back to his feet. 'Look, I agree that it would have been a whole lot more helpful if the prophecy had given your name,' he said, 'and preferably your address and other such contact details, but prophecies just don't work like that, as well you know.'

  Anyx shook his head. 'You really think that I'm the Awakener?'

  'Yes.'

  The dwarf turned to the Maid A'Veil. 'And what about you?'

  A'Veil smiled. 'I do. But whether you are or not, there's no-one else now. You must at least try.'

  Anyx rubbed his temples.

  'It may be that you're our only hope,' the Maid continued. 'And it's hope that gets us out of bed each day.'

  'S'usually a full bladder that gets me out of bed,' the dwarf muttered. This was all madness, he knew, but then again what did he have to lose.

  'Come on, dwarf,' said Swallow. 'Time to girdle your lions.'

  Samosa shot a sideways glance at Dick. 'I thing he means gird your loins,' he said despairingly.

  The last of the dwarf's resistance melted. 'Okay, so what do I need to do now?'

  'Stand within the stones and declaim the Word, I guess,' Robin suggested.

  'Declaim?'

  'You know, pronounce, proclaim, declare-'

  'So, pronounce the Word, huh?'

  'Yes.'

  'That will be the Word we don't know yet, then?'

  'The very same.'

  'Thanks, you've all been a great support.' The dwarf turned and walked towards the stones, some of whom shuffled away from him. 'There, there,' he whispered. 'I'm not here to harm you,' he continued. 'Just take it easy and with any luck we'll all be out of here very soon.'

  He took a glance at the sinking sun, slowly descending to meet the western horizon, in a blaze of purple sky. Sunset was only minutes away, Anyx knew. Better get a move on then...

  Suddenly, in front of him and from out of nowhere, Theodore De Ville appeared, a sickly smile upon his angular face. This time there was no flash, no smoke, no theatricals whatsoever; this was a time for business, not drama.

  'Mr Abychson,' Theo said, his smile becoming a smirk. 'Or should I call you the Awakener? I don't believe we've met. I have, however, had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of some of your esteemed colleagues.'

  Anyx looked round at Robin who shrugged. As far as the outlaw leader was concerned Mr De Ville was nothing more than a kindly gentleman who had helped them in a difficult situation. And yet...

  Anyx, on the other hand, took in the cane which was now morphing before his eyes into a pitchfork and immediately realised what he was facing. 'And you are?' he asked, trying to bide some time.

  Theodore gave an expansive bow. 'Theodore De Ville, at your service.'

  'De Ville, huh? How apt. Well, it's a pleasure to meet you,' said the dwarf sardonically. 'Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy at the moment.' He took another glimpse across at the setting sun.

  'Ah yes,' Theodore replied smarmily. 'This Awakener business. You see, that's what I've come to talk to you about and the thing is, well, I simply can't allow it.'

  Anyx didn't reply. Instead he looked Theo up and down. Fair enough De Ville was quite tall but he was fairly skinny, not much in the way of muscle, and, although he was not much of a fighter, the dwarf thought he might be able to take out this lanky streak of p... Besides, Robin and the rest would come to his aid if he found himself in trouble, he was sure. Well, sort of sure. And anyway, he was, by now, profoundly fed up with the whole damned business...

  'Listen,' he said quietly, 'I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to do, but whatever it is, at this late stage, well, I'm not about to let you prevent me from doing it. Got it?'

  Theo nodded. He had expected such a response and so merely clapped his hands...

  And Anyx froze. Not through shock or fear but because he simply couldn't move. He was immobile. He tried to move an arm but it simply wouldn't obey his command. Even his ey
eballs were fixed, allowing him only to look upon the smugly triumphant face of Theodore De Ville.

  'You can't do that, Theo,' said a new voice from behind the motionless dwarf.

  Theodore stared over Anyx's head. 'What are you doing here?' he demanded of his cousin. 'Haven't you got a report to finish,' he continued, sneeringly.

  Henry ignored the mockery. 'You know that it is against the Lore to physically harm anyone.'

  'Oh, don't give me any more of that bloody Lore nonsense, Henry, You sound like that old windbag the Oracle. Besides, I've only frozen him momentarily. As soon as the sun sets I'll release him, no problem.'

  Henry stepped forward to stand alongside the Anyx and noticed that the dwarf was going blue. 'Theodore, he's frozen.'

  'So?'

  'So his lungs are also frozen, which means he can't breathe.'

  Theodore took a step forward and peered Anyx's now purple face. 'Yes, I see.' He looked towards the west where the sun now seemed to be floating upon the horizon. 'Well, not to worry, it'll only be for a few minutes more,' he said.

  Henry leaned forward, a determined look upon his face. 'No, cousin, I will not allow it!'

  Theodore was momentarily taken aback at the new authority in his cousin's voice, but quickly regained his composure - after all, this was merely Henry. 'Don't ever assume to tell me what or what I cannot do,' he cautioned. 'Perhaps you have forgotten about the mines-'

  'Theodore, you are no longer in a position to threaten me.' Henry suddenly brandished a piece of paper which seemed to have a line of blue flame running along its edges. 'In fact you are no longer in a position at all! Do you know what this is?'

  Theodore, evidently stunned, merely nodded.

  'And do you see the signature at the bottom?'

  Theodore stared at the flaming document. At the bottom was scrawled the simple legend, B.L. Ze'bub. He visibly slumped. It was all over. Somehow Henry had managed to outmanoeuvre him. He looked up at Henry. 'But how-?'

  'First things first, Theo,' Henry replied, gesturing towards the puce dwarf.

  Theo heaved a heavy sigh of defeat. 'Of course,' he mumbled, and he clapped his hands.

  Anyx fell to his knees and tried to suck in a huge lungful of breath, but nothing seem to happen. I'm suffocating, he thought, quite calmly under the circumstances. I'm about to die... but then Henry gave him a huge slap upon his back, and suddenly his lungs sprang back to life. 'Huuuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhh...' He drew in the life-saving breath as, the spell broken, Robin and the Maid A'Veil ran up to offer comfort.

  'No... time...' breathed the dwarf heavily. 'Sun... going... down...'

  'It doesn't matter,' A'Veil said softly. 'There's always next year.'

  'No... bloody... way...' He slowly clambered to his feet, supported by Robin and the Maid, and turned to face the Henry. 'What... the... paper?' he asked.

  'Oh,' said Henry, matter of factly, 'it doesn't really have a name. We simply call it a P-XLV.' He looked over at the dejected Theodore. 'It means that Theo is effectively relieved of his position as Lord of Hell-O, and if he tries to ignore it then the full wrath of the, um, big boss will fall upon his shoulders.' He turned to address his cousin. 'You went too far, Theo. There's no place in Head Office for mavericks.'

  'Really?' said Theodore wearily. 'I would have thought that was the ideal place for mavericks. So, what happens now?'

  'Quite simple: I take over the running of Hell-O, and you get to spend eternity in the Kwartzkopf Mines.'

  Theodore regarded his cousin closely. He really had underestimated him. 'You're actually quite a bastard, aren't you, Henry.'

  'Runs in the family, dear cousin.' And he clicked his fingers. Momentarily there was a Theodore De Ville shaped hole in the air, and then nothing.

  Henry looked over to where Anyx was slowly recovering. 'I can't interfere with you in your quest as that would be against the Lore. And anyway, I've always had a soft spot for the underdog. I'd better be going. Lot's to do,' he said happily. 'Good luck and, oh, watch out for the troll.'

  'What troll?' Anyx cried, but Henry had disappeared.

  'Um, that troll, probably,' Robin remarked, pointing towards the still distant but fast-approaching and enraged Captain