Rude Awakenings
Page 40
inability to swim. As he was about to strike me I made a dash for it, and dived into the river.' He shook his head at the memory. 'The Ferryman's scream of frustration was terrifying to behold.'
'But how did you survive the cataracts?'
Azif held out his hands. 'Only by chance. My turban unravelled and caught on some submerged roots. It allowed me to gain some purchase and I managed to heave myself out.'
Lenny turned back towards Robin. 'What about Swallow and Samosa?' he asked.
Robin smiled. 'For some reason Samosa seems to have a soft spot for Swallow and decided to recruit him to the company as his right hand man. Strangely enough, Swallow is turning out to be quite the businessman.'
'And Annabel and the doctor?'
'They're proving to be in great demand,' Robin answered. 'They've got a fourteen week run at the old theatre on Dreary Lane. Totally sold out, by all accounts.'
Lenny nodded happily. Things had turned out rather well, he considered. He looked across at the dwarf. 'And what are your plans, oh mighty Awakener,' he teased gently.
Anyx looked across at Cleat standing behind the bar. 'I plan,' he declared portentously, 'to embark upon a new quest. I intend to search for somebody prepared to buy the next round!'
And deep in the bowels of the Ragged Ridge Mountains, amid the labyrinthine tunnels of the long abandoned Kwarzkopf Mines, voices could be heard.
'What I have gotss in my pockettsss?' asked a lisping, sibilant voice.
'No, what have I got in my pockets,' asked a petulant voice that sounded like it had horns and a tail attached to it.
'That's unfair,' came a third voice, gruff, gravelly and reminiscent of a distant rock fall. ''Cos I don't even have any pockets-'
The End
Endnotes
[1] So-called due to its weak constitution
[2] The Emperor's father, Julius Seizure, had claimed his offspring, Sugarlump I, to be the result of a liaison between himself and Equity, the goddess of work beasts and unemployed actors, and the word of the Emperor was law, which is a very dangerous thing when the Emperor is obviously three bridesmaids short of a royal wedding.
[3] Although it was later re-instated following an employment tribunal due to the army failing to follow its own internal procedures.
[4] Nothing much changes when it comes to Musicians.
[5] It should be explained that gods were basically Gods who had lost their worshippers and therefore the right to a capital 'g'
[6] The Lore constitutes the laws and customs by which all non-mortal beings must abide and is to red tape what oceans are to water.
[7] You know, omnipotence, omnipresence, that sort of thing (he did, however, remain omnivorous – for some reason vegetarianism just didn't appeal).
[8] GOD is the father of all the Gods, sometimes known as the Godfather, and whose supreme position in the pantheon is generally indicated by the use of capital letters.
[9] But what is so clever about that, you may ask. Let's face it any fool can talk to animals. We all do it all the time - 'Come on Fido, let's go for a walk', 'Polly want a biscuit?- you know the sort of thing. The real trick, of course, is to be able to understand what it is that the animals say in reply.
[10] The Denizen's Advice Bureau
[11] Terra Infirma's equivalent of Who's Who.
[12] Furthermore in a separate survey 86% of citizens stated they were innumerate whilst the remaining 74% claimed they weren't.
[13] i.e. was not overly hirsute, did not have a face like an outsized inner tube and didn't possess hands which looked like leather gloves.
[14] A 'How To' series on Poultry Husbandry.
[15] The Intelligence Quotient hadn't been introduced to Marasmus yet. Their nearest equivalent was Dr. Abacus Zygote's Scale of Stupidity, on which 1 represents, say, an astro-physicist who moonlights as a neuro-surgeon, and 10 represents a house brick. Ron scored 9.6
[16] Pronounced 'Nice' but that's where the similarity ends.
[17] Although some of them were also making groaning noises, and one or two were making hasty exits towards the latrines.
[18] A cult of young unmarried girls dedicated to Wacchus and who, by His decree, wore nothing but a very short vest. It's where we get the phrase 'a vested interest'…
[19] The other No Bull prizes are for Peace, Scientific Advancement and Politics. The Politics prize has never, ever been won.
[20] Think about it – have you honestly ever heard a little old lady guffawing?
[21] Although what exactly the badger was rustling remained a mystery; there were no sheep in Elmswood forest, after all.
[22] Trollian Territorial Guard
[23] The answer is, of course, Feldspar.
[24] There are several different species of wolf on Terra Infirma; Wherewolves, wolves who, through a strange quirk of evolution, have no innate sense of direction; Carewolves, a multi-coloured species with unique markings on their stomachs which represent each individual's duty and personality; and Darewolves, a species now very much on the verge of extinction due a combination of reckless bravery and downright stupidity.
[25] We would say generations.
[26] On Terra Infirma, the unit of speed through the water is the not, rather than the knot. The reason for this is the insistence that 1 not is not equal to one mile per hour as is the case with speed on land, which only goes to prove Sailors can be a very funny bunch.
[27] 3-1, but down would later stage a stunning comeback and eventually triumph over sun 4-3 on penalties
[28] On Terra Infirma a vespa is a small beast of burden which originated from the far off lands of Quadrophenia.
[29] Pan Dimensional Augur
[30] 8 glass (or crystal) balls
[31] We'd call them lawyers – derived from the words perjure and purgatory…
[32] So-called not because of its deep turquoise waters, but because it was the most depressed lagoon in all the seas.
[33] This is known as 'The Riddle of the Drinx.' The answer is, of course, a drunkard who starts early and consequently passes out after crawling home.