Undying

by Bernadette Azizi

  “May I?” He asked.

  “Yes, of course!”

  He turned Jules’s seat slightly towards me with a slight grin and looked over his shoulder to peek at Jules and Dr Simons again.

  “It seems Dr Simons has accepted defeat,” he said with a grin as he turned back.

  “Smart man, there are some battles that just can’t be won!” I added with a giggle.

  “Very true!” he agreed.

  “Mr Kemp not joining us this evening?” I dared to ask; intrigued to know why my presence had upset him so.

  “Ah, there’s another battle,” he joked as he manoeuvred his neck in a manner that seemed like he was trying to relax himself.

  “I heard he was upset this evening, something about me causing an imbalance? What exactly what does that mean?” I asked.

  “Mr Kemp, another battle that cannot be won,” he repeated, laughing.

  I felt he was going to speak further, but Jules came back from dancing with Dr Simons and he got up immediately and gave her back her chair.

  “Excuse me,” he said with a smile and headed back to his chair.

  Dessert was now being served and everybody was back in their seats.

  I found myself constantly looking at Mr Barclay, and I was afraid that I was going to be caught. I didn’t have an appetite for dessert, which was out of character for me; it was just too hard to not look at him or to enjoy the rest of the evening with other company. I decided to leave.

  “Jules, would you think I was rude if I called it a night? It’s been such a long day and I am trying so very hard to stay awake.”

  “No, no, not at all. Everyone will understand. I will walk you to your room,” she offered and turned to Dr Simons to excuse herself.

  “No, please stay. I will be fine and I’m sure I can remember how to get back. And really no one needs to know that I’m leaving. I’ll go and no-one will notice.” I smiled and without waiting for her reply, I stood up. To my shock, so did the whole table of men!

  So much for my inconspicuous exit!

  There stood all these men, just because I was leaving the table! It was so English.

  “Please sit down. I’m going to call it a night. I can’t keep my eyes open,” I said with a nervous giggle.

  I smiled to Jules, who had taken my orders to stay on. I started to walk down the length of the table. I could hear the echoing voices of every gentleman saying “goodnight” as I passed. When I got to the end of the table where Mr Barclay was seated, I waited to hear his voice saying “goodbye”, but nothing came.

  I tried to hide my disappointment, when…

  “Catherine, I will escort you to your room if that is alright with you?”

  “Thank you,” I answered with a smile. Even though my reply was composed and assertive, my heart was beating quite fast; disappointed with my uneasy reaction I tried to concentrate on being normal and not so emotional.

  He excused himself to the teachers sitting close by then turned to me and smiled – an indication he was ready to leave. As we walked up the stairs and out of the room, my emotions were confusing. I tried to find some composure in the way I was feeling.

  “What do you think of your first day?” he asked with a smile.

  His smile was infectious. I turned away slowly and looked forward to answer.

  “Entertaining to say the least.”

  I looked at him again and he still had that amazing smile, which in turn, forced me to smile even bigger.

  “What was your first day like?” I asked of him.

  “Also, entertaining.”

  “It seems I’m not the only one Mr Kemp didn’t take to straight away?”

  “Mr Kemp is a complicated man, he means well but is hard in his ways,” he said with a reassuring grin.

  Again, his comments were almost defending Mr Kemp’s behaviour. Our walk was short, which was a disappointment. I have never taken to walking but tonight I would have walked to London with him.

  As we got to the bottom of the stairs that led to our rooms, Mr Barclay slowed down to let me go ahead.

  “We are very happy that you are here, Catherine,” he whispered with his devilish smile as he turned his face away.

  Did he just flirt with me? Did I just dream that? If only I had a replay button so I could be certain…

  I smiled timidly in response; words seemed to have escaped me.

  “Thank you, that means a lot to me. I am sorry that I have upset Mr Kemp in any way by being here.”

  “You belong here, Catherine.”

  Mr Barclay lowered his head slightly. He had one arm on the beginning of the balustrade, as did I even though I stood three steps above him. I looked at him, taking in everything I could while he was looking away. When he suddenly looked up at me, our eyes met. We looked at each other for a minute. It felt like his eyes were talking to me at a hundred miles per hour. I really should get a second opinion on that hit on my head.

  “Good night, Catherine.”

  “Good night, Mr Barclay.”

  “Please call me James,” he said as he let go of the staircase and walked around me. “You look beautiful tonight.”

  He passed me, not waiting for an answer or a reaction. Just as well, because I was seconds away from saying something I might regret. I turned my head around to see him but he was already gone. I turned back. My mouth was open in shock, before a big smile formed across my face. I closed my eyes and paused for a while.

  “Tell me, if you are sleeping on the staircase, could I have my room back?” A familiar voice interrupted my thoughts from the top of the staircase.

  Mr Kemp again, ruining the moment. I turned around and made my way up the stairs. As I approached him, I looked down into his beady eyes and asked him straight out:

  “Mr Kemp, are you going to be sneaking up on me for my entire stay?”

  I didn’t wait for a reply and kept walking past him and into my room. As I closed my door, my heart was racing. I was in disbelief that I had just spoken to him that way, but I didn’t regret it. He made it obvious that he didn’t like me, and didn’t want me here. My hands were sweaty and I was feeling quite hot and flustered. I’ve never been good with confrontations. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and tried to remember the feeling I was enjoying before it was interrupted. It didn’t take long to get those thoughts back again. I quickly got out of my dress and removed my makeup, tied my hair up and got into something to sleep in. I turned off the lights and hopped into bed, leaving a side lamp on.

  As soon as I closed my eyes, his face came to me.

  How can anyone possibly feel this way about a total stranger?

  I felt silly and laughed at myself.

  I thought it might be better if I put those emotions into my story rather than my life.

  I couldn’t sleep, I was on way too much of high, so I decided to pull out my laptop and continue on with Victoria.

  As I made my way to the parlour, I tried to contain my emotions. I was troubled and unaware how to conduct myself in Mr Bates’ company. Trying to counsel myself these past weeks had been agonising and now, moments away from being next to him, I felt somewhat anxious and terrified.

  As I approached the door I could hear laughter from the parlour, what could possibly be so amusing at this hour of the day, I wondered.

  “There you are, I have almost forgotten what you looked like,” my father howled from across the room. There beside him stood the most agreeable gentleman ever seen. He stood tall, certain and unafraid, unlike myself.

  “Good day, father,” I said, rolling my eyes at his earlier remark.

  “Now Victoria, if I left you unaccompanied with Mr Bates, will you assure me that you will be pleasant?” my father added with mockery in his tone, a repayment for my behaviour these past weeks, I am sure.

  Taking no notice of my father’s mischievous comment, I turned my attention to Jonathon. His gaze had not left me since I entered the room and the serious look on his face was frighte
ning.

  My father turned to Jonathon and shook his hand, saying goodbye. As he walked passed me he kissed me on the cheek, which I took as an apology for his roguish behaviour.

  When Jonathon and I were finally alone, a silence blanketed the room in an instant and all that could be heard were the raindrops on the window and my heart thumping.

  “Thank you for seeing me this morning. I hear that it is easier to have a meet with the queen than with you,” he joked as he slowly walked towards me.

  I was puzzled by his comment and he smiled at my reaction.

  “Charles Barton,” he clarified as he walked past and continued behind me.

  “Oh, I see,” I said as I turned around to face him.

  “Are you well?”

  “Yes, thank you, and you?”

  “Well, thank you.”

  “Will you be attending the dinner party at the Barton’s tomorrow evening?”

  “Well… I have not yet decided. Charlotte is away in Bath and I would feel out of place without her company.”

  “Will you not let me keep you company tomorrow night?”

  I took a pause, not wanting to respond at once: I endeavoured to display decorum and restraint. It was no use; I would have married him if he had asked. I could not contain my joy; my face came alive as a smile, the first in weeks, surfaced.

  “Yes,” I finally replied.

  “I must warn you, Charles will be very upset…”

  “Excellent.”

  I must have slept deeply because when I woke, I couldn’t recall anything I had dreamt about.

  I forced my eyelids open. It was still dark and I could hear the rain outside. Not surprisingly, my head was still sore – a souvenir of my embarrassing first day.

  Making my way to the window I was surprised to see the students had started to arrive. Further up the laneway, very expensive-looking cars were dropping off boys, many of whom looked more like young men than boys.

  Why are they here so early?

  I looked at my watch to find that it wasn’t as early as I thought it was. Outside looked like five o’clock in the morning, but really it was just after seven.

  Better get ready.

  I wondered what impression I would make on the students today. I also wondered what feel the college would now have, with the buzz of so many students.

  It took me well under an hour to shower and get ready. It was almost 8 o’clock when I left my room. Further down the hallway, groups of teachers stood outside their doors chatting and they smiled and nodded to me as a ‘good morning’ gesture. Recognising some from last night’s dinner, I smiled back and raised my head to them, returning the greeting, then started to make my way to the stairs.

  “Catherine! Catherine, good morning!”

  I stopped and turned around.

  “Morning,” I replied, with a smile.

  Jules was so jolly, even in the mornings! She was wearing a floral cardigan and a long flowing skirt. She closed her door and raced to catch up to me.

  “You look beautiful. How did you sleep?” she enquiry, her eyes wide.

  “Really well,” I replied. “I’m not used to an uninterrupted sleep, it was great.”

  “That’s wonderful to hear,” she said as she grabbed my arm and turned me around towards the staircase.

  “Today is going to be a very exciting first breakfast, and then we will have our turn together on front lawn duty.”

  “Front lawn duty? What do you mean by that?” I stopped to face her.

  “Oh yes, of course you wouldn’t know that, silly me,” she said as she resumed her walk.

  “Now, many more boys will be arriving throughout the day and teachers are required to be outside greeting them. And sometimes parents will want to say ‘hello’ and ask us some questions.”

  She informed me we were to be on duty from 9 o’clock until half past 10.

  “Isn’t that exciting? Some of our boys are from the best families in England. They are a fine breed indeed. Parents who are very influential, very…” Jules stopped talking mid-sentence and then started to panic.

  “I should change, I should quickly change,” she announced as she looked at her clothes with repugnance.

  “No, no, you look great! Cherry!” I said, trying to convince her that changing really wasn’t necessary.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, very sure.”

  “Alright, thank you Catherine. It’s just you look so pretty and smart,” she stated with an insecure voice that I hadn’t heard from her so far.

  “I do quite like this pullover. It goes well with my complexion and my skirt is such fun,” she asserted as she grabbed it and waved it around with a big smile.

  I couldn’t help but giggle.

  “Who else is on our shift?” I enquiry.

  “I didn’t check. It’s not important. As long as we are on together,” Jules declared as she led the way to breakfast.

  There were so many things that I wanted to know about the school. I just didn’t know where to begin. It was starting to feel so very real. As we sat to have breakfast, I felt the urge to know more to be prepared more, thinking of questions I could ask Jules before we went outside to meet the parents and students, but I couldn’t help but think about James. Whether he was here or when I would see him next.

  “Jules, can I ask you something?”

  “Of course, anything!”

  “Is Mr Barclay married?”

  Oh my God. What in God’s name possessed me to ask that question? What is she going to think of me now?

  “I mean… all the teachers? They live on the grounds… right? So how do they meet anyone and if they do, then what happens?” I went into damage control but wasn’t sure if it had worked.

  “That’s an interesting question. Well, let me think.” She took a sip of her tea and a bite of her toast and continued.

  “Right, now most of our teachers are quite old. The majority of them were married and are now either divorced or widowers. There are a few teachers that you haven’t met that are married and don’t live on campus, and there is a small group, like myself, who have just never met the right person and gave up on hoping. So this school is perfect for us.”

  She took another drink of her tea, looked around and moved in a little closer.

  “And then there is Mr Barclay, who is young, wealthy and handsome and who is not married, to finally answer your original question. Between you and me, I believe he was married.”

  “Really?”

  “Now, I don’t know for sure, but he has let a couple of remarks slip that would suggest that he has been married before. And the strangest thing of all is that he gives the impression that he still truly loves her. Mr Barclay… well he just doesn’t seem to be interested in anyone. He is a very private man, and quite serious. I know of so many available mothers and… not available at this school alone that have tirelessly tried to get his attention but he gives them nothing, nothing at all. He rarely leaves the college. Now how is someone supposed to find love within these walls?

  “Never leaves,” I whispered.

  Jules nodded a sympathetic nod.

  “Although… I shouldn’t say… there was an incident in London that prevented him from ever going back.”

  “What kind of incident?”

  “Oh, I don’t know for sure and this is just talk… there are so many different stories that you just have to accept that they are all just stories,” she smiled and continued to have her breakfast.

  I awkwardly smiled, picking up my glass of orange juice. I tried so hard not to show my interest in what she had just said.

  “It’s very sad,” she added.

  And then Jules stared at me with her concerned eyes but too kind to say anything directly to me. However I knew what she was thinking Jules started a conversation with another teacher who sat a few seats away from us. I looked around to see if James was having breakfast. I couldn’t see him.

  “It’s time to go!�
� Jules yelled excitedly.

  She got up immediately, smiled at me, as we made our way to the front lawn. It was cold and windy; this climate was going to take some getting used to.

  “What a wonderful day!” Jules sang as she smiled at me. Luckily the rain had stopped, but with the grey clouds above it seemed far from a wonderful day. I smiled back nevertheless.

  “And there is the answer to your other question,” Jules said and looked behind me. I turned around to see. There was the person on our shift: James. I couldn’t believe my luck and how amazing he looked, yet again. He was wearing dark navy pants and a navy shirt with the top button undone and a jacket.

  “We should help him, don’t you think?” Jules asked.

  “Help who?” I answered still not looking away from James.

  “Mr Barclay. I know he will not be enjoying all that attention.”

  “Ha…” I suddenly now noticed everyone around him. “I guess.”

  Jules immediately put on her mother hen persona and headed towards them. I couldn’t look. I felt a bit guilty that my motives were completely selfish. I hoped that she wouldn’t embarrass herself or worse, upset James. I still couldn’t look. I was too nervous about seeing his reaction or the reactions of those women when Jules dragged him away.

  “Good morning, Catherine.”

  “Ha! Um… good morning,” I stuttered.

  “Are you alright?” he asked, concerned.

  “Yes… Why do you ask?”

  “Jules said you were feeling slightly nervous this morning, and that it might be a good idea if I spent some time with you.”

  He put his hands in his pockets and grinned at me, obviously thinking that both Jules and I were co-conspirators in this set up. And here I was, feeling sorry for Jules having to save him from those women, and all the while, she had used me as the excuse! Jules was now talking with the women and they didn’t seem to be anywhere near as happy now that James had gone. I looked back at James and smiled. I could feel my cheeks start to redden.