Finding Hope at Hillside Farm

by Rachael Lucas

  ‘She looks so confident.’ Harry held back, walking parallel to Ella.

  ‘Muffin is a good teacher.’

  Harry raised his eyebrows, but didn’t reply.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Harry

  Hope walked along in front of them, carefully holding onto the lead rope with two hands. As they reached the sliding door of the indoor school she stopped and Muffin stood beside her, waiting patiently. Harry stood back, watching, not interfering. This was exactly what Hope had needed for so long.

  Ella went ahead then and slid the bolt, pushing the heavy door open.

  Hope marched around the yard with the same confidence he’d always admired in Ella when she was younger and working at the dressage yard in her spare time. She would have huge, seventeen-hand-high performance horses following her around like pet dogs. It made sense that she’d gone into work like this, combining her love of horses with her fascination for psychology and human behaviour.

  And although he was still full of anger towards her, he had to admit that she seemed to adore Hope. He stood back, watching them from the side of the indoor arena, while Ella led her around on the back of Muffin, patiently explaining how to sit up straight and reminding her to use her hands and legs to gently guide the pony where she wanted her to go.

  ‘Can I have a ride on my own?’ Hope said, as they approached him.

  ‘I don’t know, my darling. Can she?’

  ‘If you’re happy to let her, she’s more than capable. I wouldn’t let her at this age without a parent’s permission.’

  Their eyes met and for a moment something hung in the air.

  ‘Just walk round once, then. And remember to keep those hands super gentle.’

  Hope’s face scrunched up in absolute joy. She set off, talking to Muffin, concentrating hard. Muffin, who knew the drill, walked very slowly and carefully around the outside track of the arena, aware that he had precious cargo on his back.

  ‘She’s got a natural talent.’

  ‘And a good teacher.’ Harry looked at Ella for a moment and she dropped her gaze, looking at the floor.

  He found himself filling the silence. ‘I met Sarah – her mum – when Hope was three months old.’ It felt uncomfortable, somehow, bringing Sarah and Ella together in a conversation. It was as if he was introducing them, or something. He rubbed the back of his neck as he continued. ‘We got together around the time my mum died. We met at the – she was having a check-up at the oncologist.’

  Ella glanced across at Hope, making sure she was OK.

  ‘And after – after – well, I didn’t think I’d meet anyone else.’

  Ella shifted from one foot to the other, gathering her hair up in a bunch at the back of her neck before letting it fall. And then she looked up at him, steadily, with the eyes he remembered so well. She’d barely changed.

  ‘She was incredible. Kind. You can see it in Hope.’

  Ella smiled, and together they watched as Hope carefully negotiated the far corner. Muffin was taking his job incredibly seriously and they were moving just above the speed of a snail.

  ‘Anyway,’ he said, and the words tumbled out, ‘she died, and Hope was only three. Her dad had been pretty much out of the picture from the moment she was born, and he was happy to sign over parental responsibility to me.’

  ‘But Jenny and Lou are looking after her so you can work?’

  ‘It’s – it was – it’s –’ he stammered. ‘That was sort of the theory, but –’

  ‘You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,’ said Ella, gently.

  He shook his head. ‘I do. It’s just – well.’ He dropped his gaze to the floor. ‘I’ve always worked away a lot. And after Sarah died, I – it just seemed like maybe me being around wasn’t the best thing for anyone. I need to try and undo the mess I’ve made of being her father.’

  ‘You haven’t made a mess, as far as I can see. She loves you very much.’

  And he loved her to the moon and back, as they said every bedtime. The trouble was – and he knew this, even if he couldn’t say it out loud – he was frightened to let himself be there for her completely. Frightened he’d mess up being a parent, like his father had done. Jenny and Lou had taken over so competently that it felt, a lot of the time, as if there wasn’t any space for him. And Hope was their only link with Sarah. How was he supposed to find a place for himself in all of that?

  He took a step back and pulled out his phone, distancing himself. It felt so natural to talk to Ella, but he had to remember that she wasn’t the person he used to know. When they’d finished the session he hurried Hope home, leaving Ella standing in the yard with a confused expression on her face.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Jenny

  Jenny and Lou were wrapped up in scarves and hats against a sideways wind. They made their way along an almost-deserted high street, heading for the cafe. The space between Christmas and New Year seemed to stretch out forever, and they’d left Harry at home with Hope, watching Frozen for the millionth time. He’d come home in an odd mood, but Hope was full of excitement, telling them how they’d been to the stables and she’d been allowed to ride Muffin. Harry had been monosyllabic, clearly not wanting to discuss it.

  The air was icy on Jenny’s face, but it was better than another afternoon sitting at home watching repeats on television and helping herself to the chocolates Lou couldn’t eat.

  ‘No other bugger is out in this,’ grumbled Lou.

  ‘You’re supposed to be getting out and about, the doctor said, and so that’s what we’re doing.’ Jenny pushed the door open and inhaled the welcoming warm scent of freshly baked cakes and coffee.

  ‘Bloody freezing out there,’ said Connie. Jenny smiled to herself. She’d never get tired of listening to the Welsh accent. If they stayed – she allowed Lou to pull her out a chair and sat down, unbuttoning her coat – she’d like to try and learn the language. There’d been something in the Sunday magazine supplement the other week about learning a second language being good for keeping the brain active. She hadn’t shared her secret hope with Lou yet – but she’d surprised even herself with how fond she was of the quirky little village.

  ‘What’ll it be?’ Connie asked, coming over with a pen and her little notepad. ‘Or do you need a minute?’

  ‘I’ll have a ham toastie and a cup of tea, please. I wasn’t sure you’d be open.’

  ‘Oh God, I can’t stand this dead time between Christmas and New Year. I’d rather keep busy.’ Connie brushed down her apron in a brisk manner.

  ‘And I’ll have a vegetable soup and a wholemeal roll,’ Lou rolled his eyes in a long-suffering way. ‘And no butter.’

  ‘How are you feeling today, Lou?’

  ‘Not too bad, thanks.’

  ‘How’s it going with Alan and the Neighbourhood Watch meeting plans?’

  ‘Good, thanks.’ Lou sat back in his chair.

  Jenny took a sharp intake of breath. She could predict what was coming next. She’d been on the verge of asking Connie when the Welsh language evening course she was running would be starting again.

  ‘Police cuts,’ he began, ‘That’s the problem.’

  ‘You know what, Lou, I completely agree with you,’ said Connie. She pulled up a chair from the neighbouring table and sat down. ‘Now what we need to do is take matters in to our own hands. We don’t have a local bobby any more, and I’ve always thought Neighbourhood Watch was a bit nosey-parker-like, but –’

  ‘Times have changed.’ Lou finished her sentence.

  ‘They have that.’ Connie gave a decisive nod. ‘Ffion Jenkins from the primary school had her bag nicked out of her car last week. That sort of thing never used to happen around here. We’ve got a bloody crime wave on our hands.’

  ‘Well, let’s hope it’s not quite at that level yet,’ said Lou. Jenny hid a smile, bending down to look in her handbag for a tissue. She felt torn. She loved Llanidaeron and the beauty of the countryside,
and she’d even fallen for the cottage she hadn’t chosen. It was wonderful to see Hope settling – and even Harry seemed happier. He’d taken her back up to Ella’s stables again. In fact, everyone seemed to be finding little moments of happiness. If Lou got caught up in this Neighbourhood Watch scheme, he might well find that he enjoyed life here after all – but at the same time, she felt a tightening in her stomach. What if he pushed himself too hard and ended up in hospital again?

  ‘Anyway –’ Connie was still talking, she realized – ‘I’d better get your food on and stop talking.’

  ‘Just give me a shout and let me know when the first meeting is.’

  Jenny looked at her husband beadily as Connie bustled away. He had the expression on his face of a man who knew he’d been caught out.

  ‘It’s not work.’

  She shook her head. They’d been through so much together in – it seemed almost impossible to believe it, but it was forty-four years they’d been married. Next year was the big wedding anniversary. If he didn’t work himself into the ground.

  ‘I don’t want you overdoing it,’ she said warningly.

  Lou put a hand on hers and another beneath her chin. He lifted her face up, gently, so she was looking directly into his eyes.

  ‘My darling. I love you. I love you so much I’m sitting in the back end of bloody nowhere and all my golfing mates are off on a trip to Portugal this week and I could be there. I love you so much that I will do whatever – whatever – it takes to make you believe that I have absolutely no desire to pop my clogs for a long time yet.’

  Jenny swallowed. She could feel her chin wobbling slightly and the last thing she wanted was to start weeping in Connie’s tearoom. She nodded against his hand.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I’ve got to do something. If my suspicions are correct, you’re secretly hoping I’ll fall for this place and want to stay.’

  She tried not to laugh. He knew her far too well. He curled his hand under her hair, around the nape of her neck, and leaned over, surprising her with a kiss.

  ‘I adore you, and I have every intention of being around for a good long time to come. We’ve got Hope to think of, for one thing.’

  ‘Here you are,’ Connie slid a tray between them. ‘Nice to see a bit of romance.’ She gave them a wink and made herself scarce.

  Jenny busied herself with stirring her tea before asking, ‘D’you reckon something’s going on with Harry and Holly?’

  ‘I don’t know –’ Her husband paused for a moment, spreading low-fat spread on his wholemeal roll and pulling a face at it, before taking a mouthful and grimacing at the taste.

  ‘I think there’s definitely a bit of chemistry there, don’t you?’

  Lou thought for a moment.

  ‘She’s coming back over for a visit in January, isn’t she?’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘I know you,’ he said, chuckling. ‘That “mmm” has a double meaning.’

  ‘I could be wrong. It would be nice, though, don’t you think? If he ended up with Sarah’s best friend?’

  ‘I dunno. Is it nice, or is it a bit close to home?’

  Jenny shook her head, tutting. ‘For goodness’ sake, you. I think it’s high time Harry found himself someone else. It’s been far too long.’

  ‘Well, whatever’s going on, I’m glad he’s hanging around for the rest of the week. I wasn’t expecting that.’

  ‘No, he’s normally off like a shot.’

  Jenny felt a bit guilty. It wasn’t that Harry didn’t love Hope, but she suspected that he felt somehow that he had to play second fiddle to them as grandparents. The truth was, however, that both she and Lou considered him to be just as much a part of Hope’s life as if he’d been there at the conception. More than could be said for the waste-of-space sperm donor (she smiled to herself at that, remembering that was the name Sarah had always given him).

  What she hoped Harry realized was that Hope needed him to be a major part of her life. The trouble was that you couldn’t force someone to get over their own fears and step into a role, and over the last five years since – since Sarah – Harry had definitely had his own demons to fight.

  But hopefully that was all in the past now. He seemed to be enjoying spending time with Hope. Harry worked hard – far harder than he needed to – and she’d watched Lou doing the same thing, working himself into a heart attack and intensive care. She was glad Harry had changed his hours – and hopefully his outlook on life.

  Oh, there were so many things to worry about. She took a mouthful of tea and closed her eyes. Maybe she should try and get along to that yoga class on a Tuesday night in the village hall. She needed to switch off a bit.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Harry

  Harry had offered to take Hope for her therapy session while Lou and Jenny had lunch out with some friends they’d met in the village. They seemed to be fitting in more socializing than they’d ever done back home in Norwich.

  He’d been surprised to discover that Ella had clients in the holiday season. He told himself he was taking Hope along because he wanted to see a full session, after the brief one he’d seen the other day. Hope, delighted, had put on her new jodhpurs and riding coat, and was waiting at the breakfast table at six thirty, hours before they were expected at the yard.

  Ella waved goodbye to a client and led the chestnut colt past and back to the stable to put on his rug. Hope was up next, and Charlotte came to take her through to the barn.

  Harry stood waiting in the little office. A photograph caught his eye and he stepped forward, looking at it in detail. It was Ella, dressed formally in white jodhpurs and long black tailcoat, competing in a dressage championship with her beloved Ruby.

  His stomach lurched, and he reeled back and out into the fresh air.

  The crash had been so violent and so – final. Back then she’d given away everything to do with horses, even passed on her promising competition horse. He remembered her deathly white face in the hospital where she’d lain, recovering from her broken hip – she’d told him then that she’d have nothing to do with horses, nothing to do with her old life.

  It had been months before he’d stopped trying to get her to see him. Months of passing messages via friends, begging for the chance to make her understand that he was sorry, that there was nothing he could do, but that if he could turn back time he’d have done anything – anything – to stop the crash. He’d gone over it again and again. The inquest had stated clearly that it was just an unfortunate and tragic accident – a failing of the traffic control system.

  And he’d put all that to one side, in the end. Realized that sometimes in life you don’t get to say you’re sorry, or explain your side of the story. He’d closed off the piece of his heart where his feelings for Ella had resided, and resolved to live the rest of his life without opening it.

  ‘I’ll just be a moment.’ Her voice made him jump. She strode past, carrying a heavy winter rug over one arm, and disappeared into a stable.

  Charlotte popped her head out of the barn. ‘Hope’s been grooming the ponies for ages now. I don’t think Muffin has ever been so clean – or so happy. Come and see.’ Harry headed over to the open barn door.

  ‘Daddy, I’m going to stay here all day.’ Hope looked up, Muffin’s long tail in one hand and a brush in the other.

  He laughed. ‘I’m not sure Ella will be happy to hear that.’

  The pink-haired Charlotte edged her way out of a stable door as he said that, a pitchfork balanced on top of a wheelbarrow full of dirty straw. He stepped backwards, letting her past. The wheel on the barrow squeaked painfully as Charlotte manoeuvered round him.

  ‘She’s fine with me,’ Charlotte said over her shoulder as she headed for the muck heap. ‘She’s being my little helper, aren’t you, Hope?’

  ‘I’m not little,’ said Hope, indignantly. ‘I’m almost nine, actually.’

  ‘My big helper.’ Charlotte grinned.

  ‘That’s b
etter.’

  ‘Ready when you are,’ Ella called, from outside in the yard. She appeared in the doorway a moment later. ‘Now, you remember we’re taking Echo today?’

  Hope’s face fell.

  ‘But I’ve brushed Muffin.’

  ‘I know,’ said Ella calmly. She bent down to Hope’s level. ‘How about you take Muffin, and we’ll bring Echo in later?’

  There was a moment when it looked like it could go either way. Hope glanced at Echo, who was tied up outside the stable, his shaggy grey coat neatly groomed by Charlotte.

  ‘OK.’

  Harry caught Ella’s eye and mouthed phew. She smiled back, and for a second he felt like he was back in his old life. Then she turned away, beckoning Hope to follow her. He stood in the doorway of the barn, watching as Hope walked alongside his ex-wife, who was somehow the person who was putting his daughter back together. He shook his head.

  It was a revelation to watch Ella working with Hope. They were playing a game of hide and seek with Muffin. Charlotte would hide, while Hope hid her eyes in Muffin’s long mane. Then they’d set off together, looking behind piles of plastic barrels and various other obstacles that had been set up beforehand. Hope was shrieking with laughter, and Charlotte burst into fits of giggles every time she was found. Meanwhile Muffin took it all in his stride, his little legs trotting alongside Hope as she led him confidently around the arena.

  ‘She’s opened up so much.’ Ella turned to him briefly as the two girls made their way back up from the other side of the school.

  He shook his head, smiling. ‘It’s hard to believe it.’

  ‘OK, Charlotte,’ Ella said as she came closer. She tipped her head towards the side of the school.