Neckbeard Vampire: Nightbeard Rising

by David Morgan

  “So what’s the deal, Chad?” Johnathan sat on the couch while Randall played a video game, listening to the conversation. “Why’d you call us here?”

  “Have you guys noticed anything weird lately—specifically about Paxton? Chad needed to let them piece the evidence together—knowing the intellectual nature of a friend’s wild conspiracy theories would hardly convince them to do anything extreme. And extreme was exactly what he needed.

  “Not really.” Johnathan answered quickly.

  “Well, I can’t really say,” Randall said, jamming on the buttons of his controller, “I haven’t really seen much of him lately.”

  “What do you mean?” Chad would let them do the talking.

  “I mean he hasn’t been at the comic book shop at all this week or last, I barely see him in school—but that could just be our schedules—and we usually have a standing game of Magic on Tuesdays, he’s missed it twice now.”

  “That’s a good point.” Johnathan added, “Come to think of it, I haven’t seen much of him either. I wonder if everything’s ok.”

  “Guys—think hard,” Chad began. “When did this behavior start?”

  “Maybe a week or so ago, I don’t know—exams are coming up in a few weeks, aren’t they? Maybe he’s busy studying.” Johnathan tried to explain it away.

  Randall had nothing to add.

  Chad looked at both of them, “The Hole.”

  “The Hole? What about it?” Randall said, multitasking with surprising acumen.

  “The night we went to the Hole.” Chad reminded.

  “You mean a couple weeks ago?” Johnathan asked.

  “Yes. Was there anything strange?” Chad led him further.

  “Yeah—a girl liked Paxton,” Randall said as they broke off in laughter.

  “No—that wasn’t strange—he got friendzoned. That’s exactly like normal!” John commented, and they had another laugh.

  “AWALT.” Johnathan added, shaking his head.

  “AWALT.” Randall affirmed as he shot at Nazi Zombies on the TV.

  Randall looked up after a minute, pausing the game, “What happened with that girl, anyhow? I only saw her once in the past few weeks, I thought she was a new student or something.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m getting at.” Chad said, “How many times have you seen Paxton since they met?” And then a detail struck him, “Besides—on that Monday I spoke to him. He said she sent him a note on Saturday—left it in his mailbox or something, apologizing and crap. I’ve only heard from him maybe twice over the past couple weeks—once to make plans, then to cancel them.” Chad explained his side of the story, feeling as though the guys weren’t picking up on the details quite fast enough.

  “Shit.” Randall said.

  “What?” Asked Johnathan.

  “She’s eating our friend,” He said.

  “Exactly.” Chad agreed, “And not in a good way.”

  “That sucks—I liked Paxton, but good for him!” John said, “he’s got a hot girlfriend now.”

  “Dude, she’s totally friendzoning him. She can’t help but go for the Alpha—and Paxton’s no Alpha—he’s just a Beta Bux.” Randall lectured.

  “Maybe--,” Chad said, “But I feel like there’s something more evil at play here.”

  “Like what?”

  “Did you guys hear about the comic book shop?” Chad asked.

  “Yeah, the break-in...sucks for Mickey.” Randall said.

  Then Chad proceeded to lead his friends through the details of his eerie encounter with Dasha at the comic shop several nights before. The strange details surrounding Kara’s sudden illness and unexplainable fatigue, the mysterious cat, and the odd factors surrounding the break-in.

  He told them of his theories and they sat in silence. As the minutes rolled by in silence, each one pondering what must be done, Randall quit his game and got up to turn off the video game console.

  Turning to the other two, he said, “So what…you think this Dasha is some kind of friend zoning vampire?” The words were rife with mocking disbelief.

  Chad looked at him in silence. Johnathan responded, “Impossible. Frienzoning slut? That I can believe. But a vampire? How old are you guys?”

  Randall crossed his arms, “It could be possible,” he reasoned, “There are many unexplained phenomena that, although they have no rational explanation currently, could be explained by new—previously undiscovered species throughout the planet. There are estimated to be thousands upon thousands of such organisms—many possibly even humanoid—surviving and thriving in the more inhabitable regions of the world.”

  “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.” John stood up in frustration. He turned to Randall, “You can’t possibly be entertaining this idea, can you?” He turned back to Chad.

  “Chad, tell me you’re joking. Randall: you may have a point about undiscovered species, but evolutionary biology—by all accounts—demands that no such creatures as vampires could possibly exist. Not only do they defy physics, but the properties exhibited by such a species would throw all science for the past three hundred years under the bus.”

  “Yeah but consider this, John: Almost every culture has some kind of Vampiral myth. The Slavs, the English, the Indians, even the Mexicans and Africans. Ancient Mesopotamian culture documents similar creatures with the peoples considered a form of demi-god. How is it possible that they all have the same ideas if, in fact, these things don’t actually exist?”

  “Maybe because one culture started it and the others adopted it? Trade routes. Merchants. Folk lore—just pathetic attempts at explaining the unexplainable. It’s as phony as the idea of God. And I thought we’ve long ago discredited these things. Real progress is not in mindless, unprovable theories, but in facts: like evolution, the Big Bang, and pretty much everything the Great Intellects of history dedicated and gave their lives and minds for.”

  “OKAY well humor this, John:” Chad attempted to reason. “Let’s assume she’s not a vampire—at least admit that something weird is going on here, and we should do something about it.”

  “With the break-in and Kara, and this cat you saw—with Paxton’s distancing himself—yeah, I’d say that it all kind of sucks. But there’s not real proof that it’s all connected. Give me proof and then we can examine it, and I guarantee you that we’ll find some reasonable explanation for it all.

  “The cat was probably a stray—the break-in was probably just some douchebags who hate on nerds like us—Kara probably just got mono from slutting around (sorry Chad, but it’s true—she’s a slut and everybody knows it), and Paxton is just fixated on yet another girl.” He stopped himself.

  “But you know what, guys?” He said, a slick smile growing, “Now I AM interested—interested in proving you guys are just suckers for crappy superstition, and have played way too much Castlevania. I’ll ‘help’ you guys discover the truth.”

  “Good.” Chad said. “Randall, you’re in, too?”

  “Sure—but we need a plan.”

  “Agreed.” Randall said.

  “Here is what I propose,” Chad began. “We should pursue Paxton first, try to see what’s going on with him.”

  “No.” John interrupted, “I think we should pursue the most salient issue first: the vampire theory.”

  The others let him continue his thought, “We find out about this Dasha girl, unmask her as just a typical creepy, but superhot chick, and only then dismantle the rest of your nonsensical arguments so that we can all get on with our lives. We won’t waste so much time then.”

  As Randall and Chad considered the plan, Johnathan added, “We should figure out where she lives.”

  “Stalk her?” Randall suggested.

  “Follow her. Find out where she’s staying. Meet her parents, buy her coffee—whatever.” John added.

  “She’s been at school only once in the past week and a half, and before that—she was only there for a couple days.” Randall noted, “So how do w
e find her if she’s not coming to school?”

  “Well…” Johnathan racked his brains, now excited at the prospect of proving his friends wrong.

  “Wait a second!” Chad announced, “When was she last at school?” The others shook their heads. “Last Thursday!--it was raining—and there was a good storm.”

  “Then the first day she arrived was a couple weeks ago.” Randall said, “But I only remember seeing her for a couple days.”

  “When we had the long rain?” John asked.

  “Exactly! It was poor weather up until the night that we went to The Hole.” Chad said.

  “So?”

  “So…when were the only other times we saw her?”

  “Well there was the night of the hole,” John answered, “and you said that night at the comic shop, and…”

  “At night?” Randall seemed to be getting it.

  “Exactly!” Chad exclaimed. “At night and on overcast days!”

  “She’s only coming out when there’s no sun.” Randall concluded.

  Johnathan shook his head, “I don’t believe this.”

  Randall ignored him, “So it means the greatest chance we’ll have of finding her is at night…unless we can learn to predict rainy weather?”

  John sighed, now resigning himself to the cockamamie theory, “So where do we start?”

  “I suggest we start where we’ve seen her before,” Chad said.

  “I’ll watch the comic book store tonight.” Chad continued, “And I think following Paxton might be a good idea as well—Randall, you go to Paxton’s house and watch for him either coming or going. If he leaves---he might be going to her, if he’s coming back, he might be with her.”

  “So what do I do?” Johnathan asked.

  Chad thought for a moment, “You watch Kara’s place.”

  “Fine.” Johnathan conceded. Chad looked at him for a moment, “Listen.” He said.

  “You may not believe that this is something unnatural, but I’m genuinely worried about Kara—I want you to watch carefully. Even if you think it’s nonsense, could you just humor me and keep an alert eye on the place? If anything—anything—suspicious happens, you’ve got to take care of her. I need you to do this for me, John. Can you?” He looked at John imploringly.

  John was incredulous. It was rather pathetic, he thought, how Chad was head-over-heels for this girl who wanted pretty much nothing to do with him, and this whole nonsense was embarrassing. After all, what was he supposed to do? He could see it now, running up to the door—“Mrs. Traube, I saw a cat! Where’s Kara! Quick!” He stared at Chad in silence.

  “John!” Chad grabbed him. “Please. Can you promise to do this?”

  “Okay, okay. Whatever you say. I’ll do it.”

  Chad turned to each of them. “Great—be at your position by sundown. Deal?”

  “Deal.” Randall said.

  “Deal.” John said, rolling his eyes.