Snake Girl VS the KKK

by Peter Joseph Swanson

  James agreed. “Ah, that summer. That night you first slipped into my bunk I thought I was telepathic. I was thinking about how I wanted to be next to you and then you came to me.”

  Michael said, “We’d just snuck out and gone skinny dipping. That felt so sexy even though it was so cold and dark and nobody even got close to anybody else.”

  “So we made up for it when we got back and were warm again. Before I knew it you had my pants open. Wide open.”

  Michael pulled James’ hand over his own chest. “I didn’t know what I was doing.”

  James sighed. “And so there you were. There I was. It was all so new. It was so radical. You were holding onto my boner for dear life and I thought my heart would explode. It was so exciting. It was shocking. That’s it… it was like a wonderful shock!”

  “Like this?” Michael rubbed James’ jeans up the inside of his leg.

  He pushed Michael’s hand away. “Maybe later. Right now I’m just happy like this.”

  Michael asked, “Oh, did you forget rubbers? I don’t have any either. Damn. But we can do other stuff. We can just hose down the trees and grass and weeds and bugs, instead. I’m very good with my hands.”

  “I have plenty of rubbers. Having them doesn’t mean I have to use them.”

  “Well then what’s worrying you?”

  James questioned. “Worry?”

  Michael stated, “Few things cancel out horniness. Fear is the big one. Worry does it too. Don’t be afraid of me and don’t worry about anything. Relax!”

  James frowned. “All kinds of things worry me.”

  Michael kissed the side of James’ chin. “Let’s talk some more about how we played with each other’s goodies one night at summer camp. That was something nice to remember. I’ll never forget how crazy it was. I was so thrilled. Nothing had thrilled me like that before, that’s for sure.”

  James chuckled. “And then you ran off back to your own bunk leaving me all blue balled.”

  “And don’t forget you grabbed me right back. You were playing, too!”

  “I don’t remember that as much.”

  Michael laughed. “I do. I went back to my sleeping bag because I had such a boner that I thought they were going to have to call an ambulance for me or something. I ran off because I was afraid and confused by it all. I was afraid somebody would turn the light on and see us. We were only safe as long as we were so quiet and it was so dark. I don’t know. I was stupid.”

  “I felt the same way.”

  “You were such a bruiser yet you didn’t know about boy stuff like that?”

  James explained, “I was kept really sheltered about body stuff.”

  “Me too.”

  James got up and walked off toward the trailer.

  “Wait! Come back. Don’t you want to stay?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  James shrugged. “Not in the mood anymore.”

  “How!

  “I feel all dry inside.”

  Michael was astonished. “What?”

  James said, “Don’t make me try and explain it. I don’t understand myself. I suddenly feel dry… and a chill. Something is wrong.”

  “Wrong? Now what did I do?” Michael looked like he would cry.

  “Not you. The woods. Evil.”

  “Evil? The woods aren’t evil! The woods are filled with evil things like bugs, sure, but the woods are not evil. Or did my ghost story scare you?”

  James looked confused. “Something else is in the woods… something real…”

  “What?”

  “It’s just a feeling. Evil. Danger. And it’s real.”

  * * * * *

  James walked up to Burt. Burt smirked and asked him, “You get a good lay out of that Michael? What a character.”

  “A character? Yeah, he’s bananas.”

  “I hope you gave him one, too.” They laughed.

  “No. We just talked a little.”

  “What? That is not like Michael.”

  James shrugged. “We had a lot to talk about.”

  Burt asked, “Was it okay? You okay? How has your spiritual retreat been here, in general?”

  “Disturbing.”

  Burt smirked. “Yes. Talking to Michael is disturbing. Don’t listen to him. He’s a stupid atheist, I tell you.”

  James laughed. “No, not that. I’ve been bothered. I feel danger. And I’ve been bothered by what happened to me when I first showed up here and I went hunting.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t get anything.”

  James looked at his feet. “That’s not quite the truth.”

  “Then what happened that you’re still worried about?”

  James explained, “I shot a rabbit and I just shot its back foot off. It kept running. It was so gross. I was really freaked. I couldn’t let it just run away and live like that so I followed it. I went up into some other fields and when I finally got to it and shot it dead, a farm lady ran down to tell me that there was no hunting on her property. I told her what happened and she asked what direction I’d come from and then asked me if I’d left any of the gates open. I told her not to worry, that I’d close them all good on my way back. She yelled at me to go do it now before any farm animals got out. Then at the top of the hill I saw a farm man and he started towards us. I didn’t want to repeat to him how I was a bad shot and only got the rabbit’s foot. So I just left him to talk to her by themselves.”

  Burt rubbed James’ back. “I thought a rabbit’s foot was good luck.”

  James shrugged Burt’s hand off. “Maybe to them… but not to me.”

  “How to them?”

  “I bet that yelling at a crappy hunter was their only excitement for the day. And chasing a wounded rabbit through god forbidden pastures was way too much stress for me. So I took the poor rabbit and came back here. I was so grossed out about that poor rabbit. And I was so mad at the bitchy farm wife for yelling at me about the gates. It reminded me of my mom always yelling at me to keep the cabinet doors closed and the toilet lid shut and the garden gate shut… all that anal buttoning up of everything. Talking to Michael now just reminded me of how crappy I felt about all that… of that and mom and everything. We talked about the past. There’s so much about the past that leaves you feeling like shit.”

  Burt said, “You’ll get over it. Just as long as nobody found a zillion cows out on the road, no harm done. Nobody cares.”

  James nodded to agree. “Sure. I’m leaving tomorrow. Michael asked me to drive him to a church thing.”

  Burt gasped. “Who what? What would Michael be doing at a church thing? Church? Not tomorrow. Maybe a wedding? A funeral? I wonder.”

  James rolled his eyes. “Maybe he’s crashing a potluck.”

  Michael walked up to them. “Are you two conspiring against me? What are you planning for me? Do I get tied up to a tree and then I get licked on from three directions? Please? Something?”

  A car drove up in haste. Annie Bea and Joanie hopped of it, yelling in great urgency, “The KKK are coming!”

  Burt hurried to them. “What?”

  Michael asked the women, “What’s going on?”

  Annie Bea said, “They know you’re here. About seven cars full of drunk assholes with white sheets and baseball bats are on their way here to crack you all over the head. Somebody could get killed!”

  Burt ordered everyone. “Get your clothes! Get in your cars and drive into town. Meet at David’s house.”

  Nelly Tom ran around looking for his jeans. “Hell no! I ain’t slowing down until I’m in St. Louis!”

  James said, “I’ll call the cops when I get to Milldam!”

  Annie Bea said, “No! According to my most recent investigations, I’ve found out that so far there’s some high ranking cops who are very likely in the KKK.”

  Burt shrugged. “Great! No cops! Hurry everybody! Get out of here. Go! I’ll just have to take care of things the Druid way! And a crowd like you will all just be in
the way of a good battle. A crowd will ruin everything. Everybody go!”

  People scrambled off and drove away. Nelly Tom ran to his car with all his clothes under his arm, except his bright yellow boxers. They were on top his head.

  Before Joanie and Annie Bea went to their car, they said, “Come with us Michael.”

  Michael said to Burt, “You better leave too! You can’t fight off the KKK.”

  Burt smiled. “In ancient times the first responsibility of a Druid was warcraft. Everything old is new again. Care to join me? I could use you three. Then we’ll all go back to town together… as mighty warriors.”

  Michael arranged his hair. “Druid warcraft? What? You were already planning on this? You were ready for all this to happen?”

  He regarded Annie Bea and Joanie with a thankful smile. “Not really, not now, but I’d heard there were KKK poking around in the woods. I knew they could find us, if it was true.”

  Annie Bea pleaded, “Let’s go! They could be as far as Orchard Crossing by now.”

  Joanie added, Yeah. We passed them while a bunch of them were pissing on the side of the road. They were so drunk. Some of them had to hold onto their car doors to even stand up.”

  Burt smiled. “It sounds like a KKK clown act coming at us. Let’s re-park our cars at the camp circle there.” He pointed. “It’s just up that way around the corner behind the big roadside fire pit. Hurry.”

  Joanie and Annie Bea ran to their car and drove off. Michael hopped into Burt’s car and they were on their tail. Burt stopped his car long enough to swing a metal gate shut behind them at the end of his driveway. He locked it with a padlock and chain. “This will slow them way down.” They drove up the road to a cold fire pit and parked their cars at the far end out of sight of the road.

  Burt said, “I don’t hear them yet. I wonder why they didn’t just pounce us when they first found out about us.”

  Annie Bea said, “I heard that it was just one of them who was snooping about a month ago and he went to tell the others. They sent out a few here and there to confirm. It took them this long. God knows why.”

  Burt spat. “The bastards.”

  Joanie asked, “What do we do when they show up down there? Do we go see who they all are so Annie Bea can put all their names in print?”

  Annie Bea put her hands up. “I’m not getting that close to them.”

  Michael winced. “I don’t want to find out my brother is with them, or anybody else I know.”

  Joanie asked, “But shouldn’t you know?”

  Burt said, “Annie Bea is right. We stay far from any drunk person with a baseball bat. When they park they’ll have to do it up on the road. There’s no way they can just drive in with the gate locked, and they’re supposed to be trying a sneak attack, I suppose, anyway. So while they think they’re sneaking down toward my trailer, we’ll circle back to the road from here, on foot, through the trees.”

  “And smash up their cars?”

  “Too loud… at first.” Burt smiled. “We’ll just set them all on fire!”

  Joanie asked Burt, “Is your trailer insured?”

  He nodded. “Fully. And I hope they burn it down so I get a better one.”

  Joanie cried, “But all your things!”

  Michael put his hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry. The place is really empty. There isn’t even a Tom Selleck calendar on the wall.”

  Annie Bea rubbed her hands in glee “That’s great that it’s insured, if they do torch the thing. Then there will be an investigation anyway, even if the cops don’t care because… the cops owned the matches! The insurance companies will ask all the good questions, for sure, regardless. The insurance company will be your cops!”

  Burt nodded. “If they touch a hair on my trailer my insurance company will want to know what all those men were doing out here! Oh god I hope they burn it down. I want a nice new trailer after a nice thorough investigation into KKK arson!”

  Annie Bea asked, “What if they catch us trying to burn down their cars?”

  Michael raised his hand. “I’ll be the bait. I’ll stay downhill from you all, on the other side of the creek. I’ll sing Judy Garland songs. That should get them running the wrong way.”

  Joanie said, “That’s not safe.”

  Michael nodded. “I know that singing in a drunk-sounding shotgun-vibrato isn’t good for the voice. But it’s for the cause. I’ll take a teaspoon of olive oil when I get home.”

  Joanie asked, “No! Not that! What if they get you?”

  “I won’t let them near me. I have the advantage. I’m wearing black. I’ll just keep going upstream until I’m on my own family farm. I’ll go up the north pasture where nobody will think to follow me, if somebody thinks they can. I’m home free. The North 40 hedges are all thorns and I’ll be on the other side of them. Besides, if they’re drunk it’ll probably take them an hour just to get out of where they fall into the creek.” He laughed.

  Annie Bea nodded. “Yeah. They looked mighty drunk. They’re falling down anyway.”

  Burt looked surprised. “Hey, that’s where you grew up, over there?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh, so that’s why you came from there!”

  Michael gave him a pained expression. “I’ll tell you why I came home again, someday. But not right now.”

  Joanie asked, “Should we meet at your farmhouse?”

  Michael nodded. “When you get back to your cars you can all meet me at my front porch swing.”

  Burt handed him a small flashlight. He left. Michael went down the hill, past the trailer and paused at the bonfire. He tossed a stick into it. “Now that’ll nummy you up a bit.” He ducked low under a branch and stepped into the dark thick of the woods. He crossed the creek over the fallen tree. He clicked the flashlight off, put it in his front pocket, and positioned himself behind a tree where he could still see the area in front of the trailer. The small security light at the trailer’s front door didn’t shine far but it lit up to the end of the driveway. Then he saw the ghastly men in white sheets and baseball bats climbing over the gate and quietly running down the path. He shivered. Their fluttering sheets glowed eerily in the security light. They looked like a pack of terrible ghosts. He imagined the wild music from “Flight of the Valkyries” playing at top volume, as if such a sight could only be for the movies and it need an overdone soundtrack.

  He ducked behind a bush and moaned out a loud orgasm, and then he changed his voice, making it extremely nelly. “Whip me, beat me, call me Elton John!”

  He heard some of them yell, “What’s that? I hear them!”

  “Aaah! Oh, oh, oh, aaah!” He changed his voice again. “Pork my beans out!”

  When he heard them start to fall into the creek, he headed upstream. He didn’t worry too much about making noise crunching through the sticks, anymore. They were now swearing and yelling at the top of their drunk lungs. He climbed under the wire border fence and was on his own property. He hurried up a cow trail, up his north pasture, down another cow trail and toward the steep hill that led to the back of the barn.

  When Michael approached the front porch of the farmhouse they were waiting for him. Michael asked, “They didn’t get me. Did you get them? Did you get them?”

  Annie Bea looked proud. “We burned all their cars and got away with it.”

  As Michael stepped into the light, he made like a redneck, and hollered, “Fuckin’ A! They all fell into the creek! Can you believe they were so dumb to be so drunk as to fall into the creek like that? And where it’s really deep! How pathetic!”

  Burt said, “But you’ve fallen off the stage drunk before.”

  “Only once… that I can remember!”

  Burt got a closer look. “They got you! What happened! You’re hurt!”

  “No. No. I was just behind the barn and I thought I was home free so I stopped paying attention to the flashlight. Then I slipped in a cow pie and went sideways into the electric fence back there. It’s barbed wi
re. Before I could pull my shirt off of it, I was electrocuted about five hundred times. God I always hated it when that happened. Oh God! Look at my pants! Look at my pants!” He held out his arms and gave a pained smile. “A thing of beauty is a joy till sunrise.” He looked at himself again and moaned. From the knees down his black jeans were covered in a variety of burs. “I can’t pull these all off! I’ll be here all day! Ruined.” He kicked out of them and threw them aside.

  Joanie’s eyes widened at the sight of a professional stripper in his black silk boxers. She asked, “You’ve been electrocuted before?”

  Michael nodded sadly. “I don’t know why the electric fences around here always got me. But now my beautiful shirt. Ripped. Now it’s even more beautiful. If I just put it back up with safety pins… that’ll be so cool! Cockleburs aren’t cool though.”

  Joanie said, “You could have been shocked to death!”

  “Nah. It’s just enough of a shock to scare the bejeebees out of the cows. Scared me too. Mom had always said that if Dad ever had a heart attack she’d just drag him back there behind the barn and throw him on the electric fence.” Michael looked through the window to the living room. He saw the rocking chair. It was empty. He shuddered.

  Joanie jangled the car keys. “Let’s get out of here. And put your pants back on. You can’t ride into town in your underwear. If we’re stopped you’ll be looked at funny. So you’ll just have to pick all those thistles off. You can’t wear just your shorts like that on the Greyhound, home, either.”