Not Looking for Love

by Anjela Day

  “I’m not at yo house I told you I was going to see my girl then I would slide through, but she not home so I’m going to the hotel to chill. He said dryly.

  I rolled my eyes and ended the call. I put on a fake smile as Neisha sat there smiling back at me.

  “Girl that is my boyfriend, I need to go see what he talking about I tell her smiling. I pulled myself out the booth and hugged her. I pulled a few dollars out to pay for my food.

  “No honey I got it.” Neisha said waving at me.

  ***

  I pulled up to my house to See Adonis truck parked in the driveway. He was standing on the porch his arms crossed over his chest and he looked pissed

  “Hey, baby,”I say walking up on the porch.

  “You went to see Neisha?” He asked looking pissed off.

  “She called me!” I told him unlocking my door.

  “You told her?” He asked running his hands over his thin, neatly trimmed beard.

  “Damn fuck her I said walking into the house and holding the door for him to enter.

  “As hard pressed as he pretended to be about the bitch he still dicked me down. Don, had real dick, game. All I had to do is suck his dick, and he fucked me crazy. Oh he loved when I drank the juice. That's what I called his cum. I know that bitch Neisha wasn't doing that shit.

  “Where are you going?” I asked him sitting up in the bed.

  Man I told you to see my girl” He said pissing me off. I ran my fingers over my perky breast, and licked my lips. Was he really about to leave all of this, to go see that bitch?”

  “So you fuck me then go see that bit—

  “Man I told you about disrespecting her, and we shouldn’t have fucked I just got caught off guard.”

  I rolled my eyes watching him dress. This nigga was treating me like a real hoe. “Damn do I at least get paid. I said venom dripping from my lips. He dug in his pocket, and tossed me a twenty dollar bill. Before walking out the door.

  Aneisha

  That was enough for the day so I headed home. I went straight to my room checked my caller Id and just sighed he still hadn’t called. I thought this is my own fought I had pushed away from the best thing I ever had. When my phone rang. I just picked it up I know I had a rude tone “ Hello” what up a mans voice said in a soothing voice. I tried to catch the voice but it was unfamiliar to me.

  “This is Cali what up with you?” A smile spread across my face I laid back and began to talk kind of sexy. Letting him know I was interested in him. Stretching out on my bed and getting comfortable I felt a hand on my leg I jumped up and let out a loud scream. My heart raced I could feel it banging trying to get out of my chest. When I calmed down enough to look up Don was standing in front of me my face lit up. I dropped the phone and jumped in his arms. I touched his face so softly then I kissed him lifting his shirt off. He grabbed my hands. Pulling me so close I knew he had missed me as much as I missed him. I couldn’t let him go. I pulled him over to the bed and sat down. I grabbed the phone and put it on the base not even thinking that about the person on the phone. I was just so happy to see my best friend. But could he be more? I just start talking it was like my mouth was on speed telling him how much I had missed him and how in love with him I really was I didn’t know I loved him so much until he wasn’t there. It wasn’t a day that I didn’t think of you I Told him.

  “I was ashamed and I thought that you could never love me after that. In fact, I didn’t think I could love me after that.” He took his hand and put it on my lips pulled me close and began to kiss me.

  “Look Neisha I need you to trust me. If I’m gone be yo man I need you to be able to—

  “I do— I said cutting him off from speaking.

  “You don’t Neisha look you never just listen,” he said running his hands through my hair and kissing my lips again. “

  “I'm sorry Don,” I said softly.

  It felt good to be in his arms he laid back and pulled me between his legs. It became intense my body was hot the fear was gone. Tonight was going to be the night. Don and I were going to love. It felt so good to be in his arms as I kissed him I undressed. His body felt so warm and soft all I could think is please don’t let my scars turn him off as I slowly pulled him on top of my body my heart and mind let go I knew this was love. He reached his long arm out cutting the light off. I fumbled unbuckling his belt and pulling at his jeans.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Make love to me” I begged softly. He laughed and kissed my forehead

  “I didn’t come here for that?” he said letting his jeans hit the ground he moved me over to my side of the bed and laid beside me. Pulling me back onto his chest.

  “Ok, so that means we can’t?” I ask climbing on top of him. I straddled his waist. I lifted his wife beater kissing his stomach. His build was so sexy. He had unbelievable definition in his body. He pulled his shirt down and pulled me up to his lips. I could feel his hard-on slipping out his boxers.

  “We cant” He yelled sounding annoyed. I shot him a quick side eye and instantly felt damaged. Turning my back to him I pulled the blanket over my body and bit down on my bottom lip.

  “Baby stop acting spoiled” He said as if he didn't know how rotten I was.

  “Man Don; why are you here?” I snapped. I really didn’t know how to react to him. I wanted him to take the pain away and he wouldn’t even touch me.

  “Fuck you mean why I’m here? He grabbed my arm turning me to face him. Placing his lips on mine.

  “You doubt that I love you?” he asked staring into my eyes.

  “I don’t know what you do!” I stated. He sucked his teeth and turned his back on me. I knew I had pissed him off. I didn't care. I was hurt, I just wanted to feel wanted and he didn’t want to do it. What was I really to think.

  “Man Neisha you acting like a brat! Why we can’t chill?” He turned back to face me running his hand over my face. I looked into his eyes feeling safer then I had in a while. When his phone ringing broke our gaze. He turned and leaned grabbing his pants. He grabbed his jeans. He pulled the phone from his pocket, and tossed his pants back to the floor.

  “Hello” he spoke into the phone. Adonis looked at me; as he listened intensely.

  “Man I swear if you doing this on some payback shit I’m gone fuck you up!” He yelled ending his call and sitting up. I rolled my eyes as he got out of bed and started to dress. He did not stop to explain anything to me. He just grabbed his keys off the bedside table and walked out the door without so much of a kiss. I know I had to be in my feelings, but as soon as he walked out the door tears flooded my face and everything I had done to find myself seemed wasted.

  It took a couple of weeks to build up nerve but I pulled myself up I got a little job. Nothing big just office work. I answered the phone for Adonis's dad, got coffee for the office. He was a partner in a prestigious law firm, In down town Detroit. While I'm sure he only hired me because of how close Don and I were. None of that Mattered to me I worked hard for Mr. Alexander. I made sure to keep every thing professional. That included never asking about his son. In fact I never asked anything about his family, or let on that I knew his family personally. Adonis was nothing more than a mistake in my pass. I refused to fall for his ass again. That didn't stop Don from calling me. He could call all he wanted. I was done. I was not taking his damn calls any more. I'd even asked Mr. Alexander to keep it between us that I was working for him. The last thing I needed was Don to pull one of his pop up moves and embarrass me. It's so funny because Adonis was on bull shit. That was all I could think of sitting at my small desk outside of his fathers huge office. When the phone rang I stared at a number that was oh to familiar. All that bull shit he had spit to me about talking to him and not closing him out and what was he doing. To say I was lost would be an understatement. I was starting to feel as if Love was not in my cards.

  That little nigga was long as hell. I watched my son, being pulled out of Nichole. In that moment my heart-stopped. W
ith all that was going on watching my son come into this world magical. A beautiful chaos. Hell I didn't even love his mother. She was just something to do while I was getting my life on track. Although in this second I wanted to take care of them both. I took the cool cloth the nurse had given me, and wiped her fore head, before bending to sweetly kiss her.

  “He's beautiful right, Don,?” She asked and I smiled at her watching as the nurses tuck him into her tired arms. I bent kissing his wrinkled face.

  “Yeah he is?” I replied, I was lost in a daze.

  A hour latter I was sitting in Cole's room? It was quiet as both her and the baby slept peacefully. I knew in that moment I needed to man up. I was twenty and in a few months I'd be twenty one. It was time to be a father to my kid. Despite the fact that I didn't love Cole my kid deserved what I had as a child. Both my mother and father made it work to make sure my sister and I had the world. I knew my son deserved the same.

  “Hey You're still here.” Cole said, and I laughed. “Yeah I'm here,” I said pulling my chair next to her bed.

  “What you going to name him?”

  “Adonis,” She said as if I should have known.

  “Don, Don I know you don't love me, but I love you. I always have. I don't just sleep with anyone.” She informed me looking sadly at me. Hearing her say Don, Don made me quickly think of Neisha. She was the only one who called me that. Damn how I'd left things between us. I couldn't keep doing that to her. I had to let her go. I had to try this family thing for my son. I owed him and Nichole both that.

  “Look Cole I know, trust I never meant to fuck with you. I damn sure wasn't trying to get you pregnant,” A tear started to run down her face. So I stopped speaking.

  “Look Cole, listen, I'm going to do right by you and my son. I know that I been on some bull shit, but...” I paused and stood walking over the small bed the baby slept in. I lifted him in my arms, and rocked him slowly.

  “We a family now, just us. I'm going to make it right.” I assured her as I placed our son in her arms.

  “What about...

  I knew just what she was going to say. I held my hand up to silence her.

  “I said I got you.” I told her adjusting the baby's hat on his head.

  “Look I gotta make a run. Please only tell you're family he's here. Let me tell my mom's and everyone else. I told her bending to kiss her lips again.

  ***

  I hadn't did this shit in a minute. I honestly had no reason to slang dope. My father was a lawyer, and my mother came from money. I just loved the rush of being in the streets. I love the respect that came from niggas knowing you ran shit. I was no King pin, didn't wanna be. Clout like that came with jealousy. Niggas itching to kill you to get what you've worked for. I just wanted to stay low key enough to have what I wanted to start a business. Make a life for myself, and remind niggas that despite the fact that I was a pretty boy, I was still cut throat.

  I left Nichole at the, hospital to make a real fast move. Pulling up at home boy's house. I hated to feel as if I had to humble myself. Shit these niggas wouldn't be sitting on shit were it not for me. However they were in charge, and I had to respect that shit.

  I checked my reflection making sure a nigga was clean before I stepped out my whip. I hopped out my car, and checked for my gun. I don't care who the fuck I fuck with in the streets it's a must you know that no one can be trusted. I walked up on the porch, and made sure not to stand to close to the peephole. I knew these niggas was not opening the door if they couldn't get a clear view of me.

  The door crept open, and the sound of a dog barking filled my ear.

  “What it do my nigga?” Cardo say stepping outside and closing the door behind him.

  “Need, a favor, bro.” I said looking at the door, letting him know I wasn't saying shit else outside.

  “Dat right well lets talk.” Cardo said leading me inside of his spot.

  The spot was normally where the drugs were stored, and or cut and cooked. While the Stash was further, away, and where the money was held and counted. That way if you were caught with one, the other wasn't found. It was normal that both houses were either abandoned, and powered by stolen electricity or owned by a fiend, or someone that wanted to be on, but not do the dirty work. You know a hoe you was fuckin, but didn't want to wife up.

  Soon as I stepped in I saw the big ass pit bull. He was on a steel chain, being held by a young nigga sitting on a run down sofa.

  Cardo patted me down, and pulled my gun.

  “Just one?” He asked me, and I nodded my head yes. He gave me my gun back, and started to walk over to a long table.

  “What up bro, been a good while.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

  “Yeah my nigga, been trying to keep my head, low. Shit was cool, but I just had a kid, and I need to make a few moves.”

  “Nigga no shit you somebody's pops.” Cardo laughed.

  “Nigga in school, a bitch couldn't suck yo dick with out a rubber, and yo ass a daddy? That bitch must be special. Aneisha filled my head again. She was special. Nah. This bitch just caught a nigga off guard. I thought to myself. I ran my hand through my hair. Yeah, nigga she something. I said laughing. “For, real nigga you got something for me?”

  “Yeah New York.” A voice said from the other room. The man holding the dog, dropped the chain, and walked over to the table. My eyebrow raised. I'd seen boy before, but he didn't know me and I damn sure didn't know him. I slipped my hands down my pants and pulled my gun.

  “Yo bro I don't know you like that little homie.” I told him, and he pulled his gun.

  “Nigga you don't need to know that when they made yo gun they ain't stop making them.”

  He said quickly.

  “No doubt little homie.” I said letting him know he breathed no fear in me.

  “Yo Cali, put that shit up this that nigga Don.” Ricardo said, and I was taken a back.

  “Cali, yo brother?” I asked slipping my gun back in my pocket. I laughed just a bit.

  “Damn little nigga you was a little nigga when I last saw you.

  “Little nigga I'm older than yo ass,” he said. He finally slipped his gun in his wallet.

  “Sho you right”, I said nodded my head.

  “I guess I just mean you used to e a short skinny nigga, and now yo ass look like..” I paused and laughed.

  “Yeah Jail do that to you baby boy.” He said leaning against the wall.

  “Any way, like I was saying. We trying to build in NY. I gotta connect in Brooklyn, and we need someone there on and off get it started. I know you can get shit started.” Cali said looking around in the house we were standing in. It was all set up by myself.

  “Fa sho I can do that, but trust I gotta do my home work to. Hit me with names and shit, and I'll check into everything, and every one. Real talk New york is hard place to jump off you need to fuck with Jersey. It's a faster set up. I told him, falling backwards against the wall.

  “I thought you was out the game.” Cali said, and I laughed.

  “are you ever really out?” I asked watching both of them nod.

  It had been five months 1 week 2 days since Adonis walked out of my room. When my phone rang. I couldn’t believe it was him on the other end. What do I say to him do I pretend that I don’t care? That’s what I had to do I couldn’t let him see how hurt I was. He asked to come over. That was something he never did and I was floored by that.

  “Why are you asking?”

  “Is it ok?” I sucked my teeth feeling annoyed

  “Yeah man, it's cool!” I told him.

  He came over I hugged him but that was it no kiss no passion no emotion what so ever. I wanted to hate him but I loved him so much not because were gone to be in this relationship but because we had been her best friend for 15 years and he meant the world to me. He had something on his mind but he just sat there. I could tell he was upset because he always chewed his tongue when he was pissed off. and he was chewing like a cow. I sat on my knees beh
ind him and began to rub his shoulders. He just starts crying. I was puzzled but I just held him. I had only seen Don cry 3 times in my life and two were this summer.

  “I fucked up Neisha!”

  “What you mean?” I questioned moving around to his lap. I sat on his lap and wrapped my legs around his waist. He took a deep breath and sighed

  “I fucked Cole!” I heard what he said but my mind went blank I unwrapped my legs from his waist and fell straight to the floor; rushing to get away from him. He stood to help me up and I held my hand out to reject him.

  “You did what?” I asked not wanting him to repeat just clarify.

  “Not since we have been together! Yall was still in school and, she was just a jump off so I asked her not to say shit to you!” The image of a very pregnant Cole at Big Boy’s popped in my head. My head began to hurt. I prayed that he was not bout, to tell me what I thought about.

  He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Well, about four, five weeks ago she told me she was pregnant. My first reaction was so what, but she told me that she was already 7 months in I knew it was mine. I swung, and smacked him. I looked at in shock before balling my fist and just swinging. He grabbed both of my hands. Don, forced me to the ground sitting beside me , He pulled me on his lap and held me tightly. “I was in shock when she told me. I couldn’t even think that’s why I stopped calling and moved to New York. I need to start making money for the baby. Well, anyway I came back bought her house and got 500,000 life insurance for her and the baby. The last night we were together she got sick she was in the hospital for about a week before she gave birth. His name Is Adonis jr. But he's not even mines.” he said pulling me tighter.

  I stopped him and rolled my eyes

  “What do you mean he’s not yours? You saying Cole lied to you? Nah Don she wouldn't.”

  “I just found out four hours ago after spending months in this child life he’s not mine.” I was floored.” A stray tear rolled down his face. I really didn't know what to say. Or how to prevent myself from sounding like an ass hole. I was doing all that I could not to cry.” So what are you gonna do?” I asked dryly