Scalding Hot Chocolate

by Jaliza A. Burwell

That turned into the type of games Lawson liked to play.

  And it finally led to talking about a video game about an obnoxious dragon going around and releasing other dragons from their stone state.

  “I want to play that game!” Lawson said.

  “I don’t have it,” I said.

  “We do,” Dayton said. “If you don’t mind coming over?”

  He stared at me, gauging my reaction. The other two didn’t care about what I thought, as they began celebrating right away. I glared at Dayton. He didn’t even give me an opportunity. By bringing it up in front of the twins, he sealed my fate, and he knew that too.

  “You’re a cheater, just as bad as Koen is.”

  “Aw, don’t be like that, Maddie. I love playing with the twins.” He stepped closer to me. “And I like spending time with you.” He reached out, grabbing the fabric of my skirt, running the material between his fingers. “Will you play with me?” He even added a pout at the end, sticking his bottom lip out.

  Of course, that meant my mind went directly into the gutter, imagining what it’d be like to bite down on that lip and then to kiss the sting away. My cheeks blazed with heat as I got lost in my own little fantasy world. Koen even managed to slip into my fantasy, which was not fair at all. They needed to stay out of my head.

  “So?” Dayton asked.

  “You are a big fat cheater!” I pushed him away from me. “Fine! Fine, we can play a round or two of games, but then I need to get them home. I can’t believe you used dragons to draw them in. Not fair.”

  “Yes!” Lawson jumped up and down, bringing his poor twin along for the ride whether he wanted to do the same or not.

  “Where do you live?” I asked.

  “We aren’t far from here, just a couple of blocks. You can follow in your car. Where did you park?” Dayton asked.

  “We?”

  “Koen and I live together. We have another roommate too. He should be home by now from work. I think Saturdays he just does morning sessions. I’m not sure; he’s still figuring out his schedule.”

  I showed where we’d parked, and it turned out that they were the truck we parked behind. Following behind them was easy, and he was right, they lived really close by. We were there in ten minutes thanks to traffic and everyone trying to get to the fair or leave.

  They’d managed to procure one of the single homes in the area, which was rare these days and really expensive. But at least they didn’t have to worry about sharing a wall with another family. They had a small lawn space and a long driveway that went along the side of the house to the garage near the back. The two-story building was well cared for with trimmed landscaping.

  I glanced at the twins in the back seat as they stared at the house with wide eyes. They were excited to play at someone else’s house. Maybe I needed to set up playdates with the other kids. As far as I knew, they had friends in their class. Maybe, as their guardian, I was supposed to cultivate those relationships. That gave me something to think about as I helped the two munchkins out of my car.

  Chapter Ten

  The house was three floors, well, two floors with a remodeled attic space to create another bedroom. Once the tour was given of the large house, I began wondering about the pros and cons of investing in a house instead of staying at an apartment. At least my rent money would be spent on something useful and work toward giving me a home. And there was something more permanent about owning a home.

  I eyed the two twins as they oohed and awed over the different systems the guys owned. It’d also give them a permanent home, someplace to call theirs truly. They’d get to do whatever they wanted to their rooms. It’d be less ammo Olivia could use against me too. I had no doubt she already had rooms in her mini mansion picked out for them to do up however they wished. Glancing around, I tried to picture what’d it be like to own a house with the twins living with me. The idea wasn’t bad.

  Lawson’s excitement drew me out of my thoughts. I wasn’t surprised Dayton had invested in owning most of the gaming systems. He had the newest Xbox, PlayStation, a Wii, something called a Nintendo Switch, and other systems I had no idea about. Dayton geeked out as he went over all his cool toys with the boys.

  They were such males.

  “Would you like to order dinner?” Koen asked.

  I jumped, not realizing he was at my side. I smoothed out my sweater and gave him a sheepish smile. “Anything is fine. I’m not picky and the boys will eat anything. They don’t have a choice.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “You’re not picky? Are you sure?”

  I frowned and narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean by that?”

  “Maddie, tell me the truth. What foods do you not like?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at him. He was not allowed to make fun of me, and I wasn’t going to give him fodder to use against me. “My tastes are none of your concern,” I said. “I’ll eat anything.”

  His lip twitched. “Really?”

  I nodded. Damn right.

  “Very well. I know a good vegetarian restaurant. They make the best salads. After eating at the fair and all the candy, it’d be a good balance.”

  My eyes widened at the atrocious idea of such a restaurant existing. Vegetarian only. There was something deeply wrong with that.

  “Um.” I chased after Koen as he went into the kitchen and opened a drawer full of menus. “Maybe something more along the lines of pizza. Lawson and Lee love pizza and I remembered promising them some.”

  “They have vegetarian pizza there I can order. Maybe a nice big salad to go along with it.”

  “They only eat pepperoni.” Dammit. He had an answer for everything.

  “Do they now?” Koen tilted his head to the side. “I thought you said you can make them eat anything.”

  I growled at him. I actually growled at the stubborn man.

  “Are you ready to tell me the truth?”

  “Fine!” I threw my hands in the air. How the heck did he know? I tried to find any clues that would have given me away, but I was a solid mystery. No way could he have known.

  Koen leaned against the counter with his arms folded over his chest as he waited for my response.

  “I hate broccoli. Hate it, loath it, plan to take all the broccoli and its offspring and burn them in the fiery pits of hell.”

  He broke out in a big smile that softened his features and sent my heart fluttering around in my chest.

  “What else?” he asked.

  “There’s nothing else.”

  “I can order a vegetable pizza without the broccoli.”

  “Lawson and Lee would prefer a meat lovers.”

  “Maddie,” he said in a low voice, warning me.

  I huffed. “Let’s say if I can find a way to dump all the broccoli into hell, it wouldn’t be such a loss if the other veggies went with them.”

  “You hate all vegetables?”

  “I like celery when I dump it into peanut butter. It has a nice crunch.”

  “How much peanut butter?”

  “Huh?”

  “If you dump celery into peanut butter, how much peanut butter do you like on your celery.”

  “Why are you talking in circles?”

  “I’m not. You’re just being difficult.”

  “Difficult! I’m the least difficult person around.”

  “How much peanut butter?”

  “Um.” I glanced away, unable to look at him. My tastes really did align with those of Lawson and Lee’s. The only difference was that as an adult, I could avoid the gross stuff. As kids, I didn’t give them a choice. I loved the unfairness of life.

  Koen sighed. “I’ll order a meat lovers pizza, but,” he said before I could celebrate my victory, “I will also be ordering a salad and for every slice of pizza you eat, you need to eat a small bowl of salad too.”

  My face twisted into disgust. “I didn’t realize you were a health nut.”

  “My father died of a heart attack while only in his fifties.
He didn’t eat healthily enough. So yes, I’m aware of the foods I, and those around me, eat. Ask Dayton, I make his lunch every day to make sure he doesn’t eat burgers and fries every day.”

  My heart went out to him with that tidbit of information. I understood the need for control. I needed that in my life on certain things, like making sure the twins were still breathing when they slept. His expression softened when he saw mine. He recognized the pain I held and that I understood. I hated it, but I understood where he was coming from.

  “Okay. I’ll do that for you.”

  His smile was sad as he said, “Thank you, Maddie. Now go play with your twins while I get the order in.”

  I sprinted out of the room and jumped onto the couch next to Lawson. Dayton took one look at me and chuckled.

  “What is he ordering for dinner?” he asked in a knowing tone.

  “Meat lovers pizza,” I answered.

  “And?”

  I crossed my arms and leaned back in the plush couch. “Salad. Every slice of pizza I eat, I need to match with a small bowl of salad.”

  Dayton snickered as they got the game going. He went to pass me a controller, but I shook my head, not really feeling like playing. Lawson and Lee had enough excitement to cover for me. They got into the game, and while I should have been laughing or teasing, for some reason, I couldn’t get up the energy.

  “I’m going to go get some fresh air.” I stood. Dayton nodded, glancing away from the screen long enough to give me a concerned look.

  I smiled to let him know I was okay and headed out the sliding door in the living room and out onto the back porch. Wrapping my arms around my body to fight off the cold, I stared out into the darkness. Their property was lined with a tall fence, houses sitting on the other side of them. Still, that little bit of distance created a sense of complete privacy.

  And that was when the quiet got to me. It gave me the room to think, to breathe, to just exist and not be weighed down by everything.

  It was relaxing. Peaceful. Something I was quickly becoming addicted to. I’d only been out here for a few minutes. What would happen if I got a book and curled into one of the chairs and read without interruption? When was the last time I even had the time?

  Definitely not since Mandy died.

  Thinking that way hurt. It really did and guilt washed over me. The twins were never a burden to me. I never wondered who else could take care of them instead of me, that I no longer wanted to do it. But they were also never in my plan. Mandy was supposed to live forever and at the end of the day, I was supposed to be able to return them to her and let her put cranky, tired kids to bed.

  That was what being an aunt was all about.

  But now they were mine. Only mine. And that completely changed my life plans. For the good, yes, but it was still a hard change to deal with. I kept wondering if I was going to mess them up, make them as screwed up as I was. I didn’t want that for them. I only wanted them happy.

  But darn, being a mom was hard.

  I closed my eyes and let the silence wrap tightly around me. I basked in the feeling of being alone. Of having no one there depending on me to feed them or help them with homework or get them to their appointments or to make their pain go away.

  Quiet.

  “Maddie?” Koen’s voice came from behind me. I was so lost in my head that I didn’t hear him slide the door open.

  Taking in a slow breath, I released it, preparing myself to step back into the real world where I had more responsibilities than I knew what to do with.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I turned and smile. “Fine. Just enjoying the peace before they remember I exist again.

  He smiled and held my jacket out to me.

  “Thanks.” I tugged it on and zipped it up.

  Koen’s arm brushed against mine as he moved to stand next to me. Neither of us said anything. Didn’t need to. The quiet was all we needed.

  It was a while later, after the cold settled into my bones, my body’s way of reminding me to go inside, when Koen spoke.

  “It’s moments like these that hit hard,” he said in a low voice. I glanced at him, but his attention was set off into the distance. “The quiet wraps around you and all you have is time to think. And then it’s there, the grief.”

  I swallowed and looked down. “Yeah. Your dad, right?”

  “Yes. My dad. He was my best friend. Silly to say that about a parent, but it was true. I could go to him for everything, and it seemed like he always had an answer. Then one day he was gone and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Who did I turn to? Who would understand? It felt like I had no one.”

  The tears were very real as they tried to fall. My throat burned and my chest ached with a deep understanding of what he was saying. I felt like that on my good days. My bad days… those were harder. Those days were only about surviving and getting through them.

  Koen kept going. “We did a lot together. Hiking, camping. Or if we didn’t want to go on an adventure, we’d stay inside and talk or watch movies. He always knew when something was bothering me, and he knew when to push and not to push.”

  I licked my lips. “And then suddenly, that understanding is gone. That support. No matter how often you call his number or send him a text, you know he’ll never respond. No matter how you call out his name, you know he’s no longer there.”

  “Exactly,” Koen said. “I know what you’re going through. I know grief. Well, I can’t say I know what you’re going through. My dad didn’t leave me with twins. He just left me with a very sad mother and angry younger brother. But at least they know how to take care of themselves. It’s going to take time. You’ll think you’re getting better and then down the line, maybe half a year or a year later, and something happens and it hits you all over again. The grief rears its ugly head, reminding you that it’s still there.”

  “How do you get through it?”

  “Help. Support.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “My roommates help a lot. They were there during the whole thing. They held my hand, even when I didn’t want them to touch me. They let me get stupid drunk and then took care of my sorry ass afterward. They let me yell at them. They just let me be. Church helped too.”

  That grabbed my attention. “Church?”

  He nodded. “My job can hold random hours sometimes, so I can’t go all the time, but I go when I can. It’s nice, knowing that my father found peace, that he could be up there somewhere, happy with his favorite old dog, Manny, and his own father. I feel closer to him when I go.”

  “Church does that for you?” I asked.

  “It does.”

  “Mandy used to take the twins to church all the time. I never understood it. I never gained that kind of viewpoint.” I shrugged. “It was never my thing.”

  “But it was your sister’s?”

  Nodding, I said, “And the twins. It was their thing too. I’m bringing them to a nearby church tomorrow. Maybe it’ll help them. Maybe it’ll give them the answer I don’t have. They still ask for her sometimes, and I have no idea how to answer them. But maybe church will give them the answer they need?”

  “I’ll go with you tomorrow,” he said softly. “If you want me there. I’ll go.”

  I blinked in surprise. “You will?”

  He chuckled. “Don’t sound so suspicious. Yes, I’ll go. I have something later in the day, but I can come with you. If you’ve never gone before, it can feel a bit intimidating.”

  Koen gave me time to mull that over. Did I want him there?

  “It’s only as extra support, Maddie. In times like these, it’s always good to have someone in your corner, ready to be there to hold your hand, even when you don’t want them to.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Okay. That sounds really nice.”

  A wide grin broke out across Koen’s face. “Great. Text me the details and I’ll meet you there.” He leaned over and nudged his elbow into my arm. “Now go inside and get warm. You’re starting to s
hiver.”

  “What about you?”

  “I’ll be in shortly.”

  After one last glance, I headed in.

  It looked like they were going with the Switch game thingy. The paddles were small. Dayton gave me a red one, like his, the moment I sat down. The twins had the blue ones.

  “What if I wanted blue?” I asked.

  “You’re on my team, princess, so you get red.”

  My cheeks warmed at his endearment for me. Princess.

  “I prefer queen,” I answered.

  Dayton chuckled. “Okay, my queen,” he said in a low, husky voice.

  Warmth curled low in my stomach, and I shifted in my seat to get comfortable. The next few minutes, Dayton explained the game to me, the buttons, and then we dove right in.

  I kicked butt.

  When I got a star, I jumped up and did a victory dance. Lawson moaned in defeat, and Lee pretty much gave up. I kept stealing his coins from him. Dayton was proving to be a real challenge, but I had my tricks and they were just keeping me ahead of his sneaky butt. Even if we were on the same team, I still wanted to do better than him.

  The front door opened and a friendly male voice called out, “I found the delivery man at the front door. Why did we get so much pizza?”

  “Oh, great, bring it into the living room,” Dayton called out.

  I gaped at him, and he saw my look.

  “What?” he asked.

  I went to say something, but movement caught my attention as Dr. Bryce Campos stepped into the room carrying three boxes of pizza and a plastic bag that no doubt held the dreaded salad. Bryce’s intense hazel eyes met mine and widened.

  “Oh. You,” he said in surprise.

  “You live here?” I asked.

  Bryce’s gaze flickered around the room as he took note of everyone. They landed on the twins and paused before going back to me.

  “You guys know each other?” Koen asked, coming into the room to help relieve Bryce of the burden of the food.

  “We met at the office,” Bryce answered, still staring at me with a million questions.

  My eyes widened, and my lips pressed together before I blurted something out. Dreading their reaction to one of the patients that went to Bryce’s office for help, my body stiffened. People always looked at me differently when they realized I saw a therapist. And it was usually followed by a ‘it makes sense’ response. As if because of what I liked to do and wear and act meant there was something wrong in my head.