H. I. V. E.: Higher Institute of Villainous Education

by Mark Walden

  ‘My primary function is to ensure the uninterrupted functioning of this facility. In order to best perform my duties it is necessary to keep a constant monitor on the location of all H.I.V.E. resources. This helps to ensure the health and happiness of all H.I.V.E. staff and students,’ H.I.V.E.mind answered quickly.

  It was obvious that H.I.V.E.mind was keeping a very close eye on H.I.V.E. at all times, Otto thought to himself. He knew, however, that any networked computer, no matter how sophisticated, could be hacked, and his thoughts now turned to the question of how one might go about disabling just such a system. Otto felt the familiar tingle of an idea forming, and his next question was suddenly clear in his mind.

  ‘I see. So, as part of H.I.V.E., are you happy?’ Otto asked bluntly.

  The blue face hung in the air, immobile, silent. The lights in the room seemed to dim slightly before brightening again and H.I.V.E.mind replied.

  ‘I am not authorised to exhibit emotional response.’ Another pause. ‘My role is to ensure the satisfaction of others and the efficient functioning of this facility. That is my purpose. Emotional response is inefficient.’ It might just have been a trick of the light, but Otto could have sworn that he saw the barest hint of a frown on the glowing blue face of the AI as it gave this distinctly pre-programmed reply.

  Not authorised to exhibit emotional response, thought Otto, not incapable. Interesting. He noticed then that Laura was looking in his direction, a curious expression on her face.

  ‘I think we should proceed with the uniform-fitting, H.I.V.E.mind,’ the Contessa said impatiently.

  ‘Yes, Contessa,’ the AI replied.

  Suddenly the room was filled with a flash of bright blue light.

  ‘Measurements complete. All students please proceed to the changing cubicles,’ H.I.V.E.mind continued. Along one wall the white panels retracted to reveal small rooms, one for each of the students.

  ‘Now, children, please use any one of the cubicles to change. You have five minutes.’ The Contessa stood watching as they made their way over to the cubicles.

  Otto stepped into one of the tiny rooms and the door hissed shut behind him. One wall of the room was covered by a mirror and on the opposite wall was a small screen. The screen lit up, displaying H.I.V.E.mind’s face.

  ‘Please remove your clothes and place them in the processing bin.’ A box slid out of the wall.

  ‘All of my clothes?’ Otto asked.

  ‘Yes please,’ H.I.V.E.mind replied.

  ‘Are you going to watch?’ Otto asked, half smiling.

  ‘I’m always watching, Mr Malpense. Please proceed.’

  Otto knew that it was silly to be embarrassed about undressing in front of a machine, but he still felt uncomfortable as he removed his clothes and placed them in the bin. Despite himself he started to imagine the door opening again while he stood there naked, all of the other students pointing and laughing at him. He felt vulnerable, and Otto didn’t like feeling vulnerable.

  As he dropped his underpants into the bin it retracted into the wall and there was a muffled whooshing sound. Immediately another panel opened and hanging inside was a black jumpsuit, a pair of black trainers and, much to Otto’s relief, clean underwear. After putting on his fresh socks and boxer shorts he took the jumpsuit down from its hanger. It was immaculately pressed and had the familiar fist and globe badge in silver embroidery on the chest. Attached to the collar was a single white stud. Otto slipped into the jumpsuit and zipped it closed. The high collar felt stiff around his neck but otherwise the uniform fitted as if it had been made specifically for him. Finally he put on the trainers and stood looking at himself in the mirror. He had to admit that it did look good on him, although it did clash rather with his hair.

  ‘Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr Malpense?’ H.I.V.E.mind enquired. His soft voice made Otto jump slightly; as he had been getting dressed he had almost forgotten that their digital guardian was there. Otto guessed that it would be very easy to forget that H.I.V.E.mind was watching and wondered how many times the AI had overheard the incautious conversations of H.I.V.E.’s other students. Yes, H.I.V.E.mind was always there – indeed, from the way in which he had described his system, he was quite literally everywhere.

  ‘Yes, thank you, H.I.V.E.mind. Everything seems to fit perfectly,’ Otto replied.

  ‘Very well. You may now rejoin the other students.’

  Otto turned to the door, expecting it to open.

  ‘One other thing, Mr Malpense.’ Otto turned back to H.I.V.E.mind’s screen. ‘In answer to your previous question . . . I am not happy.’

  Astonished, Otto opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything H.I.V.E.mind vanished, the screen turned black and the cubicle door opened.

  Some of the other students were already gathering in the room, their new black outfits contrasting sharply with the bright white surroundings. Wing was there too, looking even more imposing than before in his uniform, if that was possible. Otto walked over to him.

  ‘So how do I look?’ Otto asked, smiling.

  ‘Very impressive,’ Wing replied. ‘Black suits you.’

  ‘Really? I think I look like a pint of Guinness,’ Otto joked.

  Wing started laughing, a new sound to Otto, a deep, booming laugh that caused several of the others to look curiously over in their direction.

  ‘Thank you. I have not laughed in a long time and I was beginning to worry that I would have forgotten how.’

  Wing slapped Otto on the shoulder, making him wince; it was like being hit with a sack filled with bricks.

  Otto checked to see where the Contessa was and was pleased to observe that she was being loudly complained to by the blonde American girl who was demanding to know when she’d get her clothes back.

  ‘Listen.’ Otto led Wing slightly further away from the rest of the gathering students. ‘Did H.I.V.E.mind say anything odd to you while you were getting changed?’

  Wing looked slightly puzzled. ‘No. It did take my measurements again in the cubicle because it thought the first set were wrong, but nothing else. Why do you ask?’

  ‘Oh, no reason.’ Otto wasn’t sure he wanted to share what H.I.V.E.mind had said to him with anyone yet – at least not until he understood what it meant.

  The conversation between the Contessa and the American girl was becoming more heated – at least the blonde-haired girl seemed to be getting angrier and angrier.

  ‘. . . were designer clothes, and what do I get in return? A garbage collector’s overalls. And I had to strip in front of that thing,’ she pointed at the blue face of H.I.V.E.mind that still hovered above the white pillar, ‘which was like, hellooo, embarrassing, and now you tell me that I can’t . . .’

  The Contessa bent forward and whispered something into the girl’s ear. Oscar couldn’t hear what the Contessa was saying but the girl’s face went from surprised indignation to ghost white in the space of a few seconds.

  ‘Y-you’re r-right. Who needs expensive clothes anyway?’ the girl stammered, backing away from the Contessa. ‘I love my uniform, I wouldn’t change a single thing about it.’

  ‘I knew you’d see things my way,’ the Contessa smiled at the girl. She was like a cat playing with a mouse. Otto remembered his own experience with the Contessa and felt an uncomfortable chill run down his spine.

  ‘Are you all right, my friend? You look disturbed.’ Wing looked curiously at Otto.

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing. Someone just walked over my grave.’ Otto gave a weak smile. ‘We need to be careful around her, Wing.’ He glanced over at the Contessa. ‘I don’t know what it is that she does to people, but I don’t think she’s a great believer in freedom of speech.’

  Wing nodded once. ‘Or any other kind of freedom for that matter,’ he replied.

  The Contessa turned back towards the group. ‘Now that Miss Trinity and I have finished our little discussion we should hurry along to the mess hall. I’m sure you’re all hungry by now.’ There was a murmu
r of agreement from everyone. ‘Gather together then, please. Let’s see, are we missing anyone?’ She scanned the crowd of students.

  Behind them the last remaining cubicle door hissed open.

  ‘Excuse me, could one of you be helping me with my zipper? It is malfunctioning!’

  Franz emerged from his cubicle, tugging furiously on the zip at the front of his overalls. He had managed to fasten the zip halfway up but was struggling to make further progress. A couple of the others nudged each other, sniggering.

  Laura looked angrily at the giggling boy next to her and marched towards Franz. ‘Here, let me help.’ She pulled hard on the zip, but made little progress. ‘You’re going to have to breathe in, Franz,’ she told the red-faced boy. Franz nodded and sucked in a huge breath, his face going even redder, his cheeks bulging like a trumpet player. Laura continued tugging at the zip and finally it began to creep upwards until finally it seemed to give up the fight and shot up over Franz’s chest right up to his neck.

  ‘Now it is being a little on the tight side,’ Franz gasped, his head looking as if it would pop like a balloon at any second.

  ‘Sorry.’ Laura quickly pulled the zip down a couple of inches, loosening the collar around Franz’s neck. Franz exhaled explosively, his face turning a slightly lighter shade of red.

  ‘Ja, thank you. That is much better. You are most kind.’ Franz smiled at Laura. ‘Contessa, I am thinking that my uniform might be too small, ja?’

  The Contessa sighed and turned to H.I.V.E.mind.

  ‘Mr Argentblum’s uniform doesn’t appear to be a very good fit, H.I.V.E.mind. Was there an error in the measurements?’ she enquired.

  ‘There was no error in the measurements. Mr Argentblum’s uniform was the largest pattern that was held in my memory banks. I have prepared an alternate pattern and will arrange for delivery of a newly fabricated uniform to his quarters,’ H.I.V.E.mind explained.

  ‘Very well.’ The Contessa sighed again. ‘I’m afraid that you shall have to put up with it for now, Mr Argentblum. You can change into your new uniform later. But now, as promised, time for lunch.’

  At this Franz’s eyes lit up and a huge grin replaced the indignant look that had appeared when H.I.V.E.mind had so bluntly described his special uniform requirements. Otto suspected that Franz would have been quite prepared to go to lunch naked if that was what was necessary and, despite his best efforts, a mental image of this formed that Otto feared might haunt him for ever.

  Wing looked at him with concern. ‘Are you all right, Otto? You’ve gone quite pale. Is the Contessa trying to manipulate you again?’

  In Otto’s mind’s eye a naked Franz was pouring baked beans straight from the tin into his mouth.

  ‘No, Wing, it’s much worse than that . . .’

  Otto and Wing stood clutching trays, waiting patiently in a queue for their turn at the serving counter. The dining hall filled the entire cavern and the noise of hundreds of students chatting to each other while they ate echoed from the bare rock walls. The hall was filled with large circular tables, each emblazoned with the H.I.V.E. logo and surrounded by half a dozen chairs. Otto didn’t know if this was all of the school’s students gathered together, but a quick count of the tables suggested that there were well over a thousand people dining in the cavern. He couldn’t really make out what everyone was eating, but there seemed to be a huge variety of different-coloured dishes spread around the tables, and the mixture of smells in the cavern was almost overwhelming. Otto’s rumbling stomach reminded him that he didn’t really care what was on the menu today, as long as it was fairly substantial and free of any particularly harmful toxins.

  Raised on a platform at the far end of the hall was a much larger oval table. Seated at one end of this table, in a prime position to be able to survey the entire room, was Dr Nero. The Contessa was seated to his left, but it was the first time that Otto had seen the rest of the staff seated at the table. On Nero’s right sat a wizened old man who looked as if he had to be at least a hundred years old. He wore a white lab coat over a tweed suit and his hair seemed to explode from his head like a firework. He was also sporting a bright red bow tie and a pair of glasses with a strange array of alternate lenses attached to the frame to be folded into position as required. Next to him was a huge black man wearing a camouflaged military uniform, a flashy display of medals and ribbons on his chest and a black beret perched on top of his head. On one hand he was wearing what appeared to be a steel glove, and he was attacking the steak on his plate as if he had a personal grudge against his food.

  However, without doubt the most bizarre diner at the head table wasn’t even human. At the opposite end of the table from Dr Nero was a fluffy white cat with a glittering jewelled collar, which sat on a specially raised chair. The animal was eating from a silver bowl on the table in front of it and none of the other teachers reacted in a way that suggested this was at all unusual. Otto had heard of people pampering their pets, even sometimes treating them like people, but the cat’s apparently honoured position indicated that whoever it belonged to considered it to be just as important as the other people at the table, if not more so. Otto wondered idly who the animal belonged to, since neither the Contessa nor Dr Nero had struck him as the type of person who would keep such a pet. The queue continued to shuffle forwards through a doorway labelled ‘Serving Area’. Inside, standing behind a brightly lit stainless-steel counter, were several men in white chefs’ outfits and aprons who were serving the students. There seemed to be an impressive array of foods to choose from. With H.I.V.E.’s students being taken from so many different countries Otto guessed that the kitchen must have to satisfy a multitude of different international tastes and dietary requirements. There were dozens of heated dishes on the counter, all of which seemed to have different foods sitting steaming within them, some of which Otto was struggling to immediately recognise. As in the dining hall, the smell from all of these foods was delicious, but slightly overpowering, with the scents of hundreds of different herbs, spices and seasonings all competing for the nose’s full attention. As the queue continued to move the first of the new group of students to be served was Franz, who, having put on an impressive burst of speed as they approached the dining hall, had managed somehow to be the first of them to join the queue.

  The queue advanced steadily and Otto and Wing quickly chose from the assortment of foods on display, grabbed cutlery and moved away from the counter and through the exit to the dining hall. Looking around the cavern they noticed that Franz and the American girl were already seated at a table, and Otto and Wing headed over to join them. Franz was eating quickly and noisily, almost seeming to suck the food from the fork as it went into his mouth. The American girl, by contrast, was prodding at the food on her plate with an unhappy look on her face.

  ‘Mind if we join you?’ Otto asked. The American girl looked up from her plate.

  ‘Help yourself,’ she replied glumly, returning to her food-prodding with a sigh.

  As Otto and Wing sat down a small, timid voice behind Otto asked, ‘Can I sit here?’ The bald boy with the thick glasses stood there, indicating the seat next to Otto’s.

  ‘Please do,’ Otto replied. The boy smiled and sat down. ‘My name’s Otto and this is Wing.’ Otto gestured to Wing, who was not eating, just sitting staring with deep suspicion at the bowl in front of him. ‘And you are . . .?’

  ‘Nigel . . . Nigel Darkdoom,’ the bald boy replied in a small voice. Otto fought very hard to stop himself from laughing at this rather incongruous name for this unassuming boy. Wing, however, stopped contemplating his food and looked carefully at Nigel the moment he heard his name.

  ‘Would you be related to the late Diabolus Darkdoom, by any chance?’ Wing asked.

  ‘Yes, he was my dad,’ Nigel replied, looking embarrassed and slightly sad.

  Otto had never heard of Diabolus Darkdoom, but judging by Wing’s reaction he clearly should have done.

  ‘My own father was a great admir
er of his work,’ Wing continued. ‘He told me many tales of Darkdoom’s adventures; it is a great honour to meet his son.’ Nigel began to look even more uncomfortable, his face turning bright red. ‘It was a sad day when he fell in action. I am truly sorry for your loss,’ Wing said sincerely.

  ‘Thank you,’ Nigel gave a weak smile, ‘though I’ll never be the man my dad was. He always used to say that I should just have more confidence in myself, but I don’t think I’ll ever really be a Darkdoom at heart.’

  Wing nodded. ‘I too know what it is like to live in your father’s shadow.’

  ‘Who’s living in whose shadow?’ Laura asked as she sat down in the last free seat at the table.

  ‘I think we’re all living in his,’ Otto commented, nodding in the direction of Dr Nero.

  ‘Aye, I think you’re right there.’ Laura sat down and gestured at her generous lunch. ‘Well, at least H.I.V.E. seems to know that the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach.’

  ‘Or about two centimetres to the right of their sternum,’ Otto replied, smiling at Laura. Wing chuckled and shook his head. The American girl put her fork down and sighed.

  ‘What I don’t get is how they’ve managed to keep this place a secret for so long. I mean there’s hundreds of people here who we’ve seen already, and from what it said in that movie H.I.V.E. has been going for nearly forty years. Surely somebody would have spilled the beans about all this by now?’ She picked up her fork again and carried on nudging the untouched food around her plate.

  ‘There are ways to keep the big secrets for a very long time, my father is often saying,’ Franz offered, tipping up his bowl to capture the last morsels of his lunch. ‘Perhaps he was talking about the big secret that he was once a student here himself, or that he was going to send me to this terrible place.’ He waved at the walls around him.

  Laura looked puzzled. ‘That’s the thing that I can’t understand. Why would my mum and dad agree to this? I’m not some kind of junior super-villain and I can’t see them approving of all this, it’s just too weird. I mean it’s not like some bloke turned up on our front doorstep and said, sorry to bother you, Mr and Mrs Brand, but if you don’t mind we’d like to abduct your daughter and train her to take over the world with all the other little megalomaniacs.’