“A few years. She talked about her friend Milana from the village who had a son. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together.”
Milana swore under her breath. “Sorry, it’s just, well, I didn’t expect to ever hear from you again. It’s a bit of a shock that’s all.”
“I didn’t want to shock you, I’m sorry.”
“No, that’s okay. So, you know about Alikhan?”
“Yes. I’ve known for a while.”
“You haven’t...?”
“No, don’t worry, I haven’t tried to contact him or anything. I promised, remember?”
“Oh, thank goodness.” Milana swore again. “So, why are you phoning?”
“I need to speak to you. It’s about Alikhan. I’d rather not talk about it over the phone. Can I meet you somewhere? It’s important.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good thing...”
“Please.”
There was a real desperation in his voice. What could this be about?
“Okay. Where did you have in mind?”
“In the park? Near the entrance?”
“Azamat, I don’t want to play games with you.” The park was where she and Azamat had met. What did he really want? To get back together with her?
“No games, I promise. I know you’re married. It’s just about Alikhan. It’s important. One conversation, that’s all I ask.”
“Okay. Tomorrow. Two thirty. Near the entrance.”
“Thanks.”
He hung up immediately, and she stared at the phone for several seconds. Her hands were still shaking, and her heart was beating at double the speed. What was that all about? Azamat! After all these years? What could he want to talk about that was so important?
She didn’t often reach for the vodka bottle, but she had a sudden yearning for a strong drink. If she’d been at home, she would have poured herself a shot and downed it in one go. How crazy. She and Murat hadn’t been speaking for days, and now her ex-boyfriend suddenly calls up out of the blue? Should she tell Murat she was meeting him? No, maybe not. He’d been lying to her for all these years.
She looked back through the window at Madina. Should she tell her? Suddenly it felt as if her head was bursting full of secrets. It was all so confusing. When had life become so complicated? No, she wouldn’t tell Madina, not just yet. So, she was Azamat’s sister. How had she not known that? Well, there had been no reason to know. And Madina hadn’t known, she was sure of that, otherwise she would have mentioned it. But she’d had no reason to, because Milana had never mentioned Azamat’s name to anyone. She had erased him from her life, and from Alikhan’s life. It was as if he hadn’t existed. She looked at her now silent phone again. And yet, there he was. Just a phone call away. Just a meeting away. Despite all her intentions, good or otherwise, he was back in her life now, and she was going to have to meet him tomorrow. There was no more running from her past. It had caught up with her at last.
Chapter 14
Bela
Angelina settled into bed and Bela tucked her favourite teddy bear, Mishka, next to her, under the covers. Angelina was getting a bit old for stuffed animals, but Mishka was special. He was the only link to Angelina’s real family. He’d been with her since she was a baby. Bela reverently patted Mishka on the head. She prayed a simple prayer over her adopted daughter, and together they prayed for God to bless all the people they knew. Angelina reached over and gave Bela a big hug.
“I love you, Tyotya Bela.”
“And I love you too, lapochka. Now, time to go to sleep.” Bela kissed her on the forehead and turned out the bedside light.
Thank you again, Lord, for bringing her into our lives. She’s so precious.
Perhaps she was being greedy asking for another baby. God had already given her a beautiful angel.
She found Michael checking emails on his laptop in the living room and snuggled next to him on the sofa.
“Is that a message from Daniel? I didn’t know you were in touch with him,” she asked.
“Yes.” Michael paused, then looked up. “He’s offered me a job.”
“What?”
Michael closed the lid of the laptop and placed it carefully on the coffee table. Sitting back, he looked intently at Bela.
“We had a really good talk, up in Moscow. He told me all about the organisation he works for. It’s a Christian organisation, doing really great work with underprivileged children all around the world. They’re looking for a linguist to help them with their education ministry. It would mean overseeing various projects producing reading materials in minority languages, going into schools, meeting with government officials. That kind of thing.” His face lit up as he talked about it.
“Oh, that sounds amazing. Just like something you’d love to get involved in. Is it paid?”
“Yes, there would be a small salary. Nothing amazing, but enough to top up what we’ll need once my university funding gets cut. It could be a stepping stone to other things later. I’ve been praying about it a lot and feel that perhaps this is the direction God is leading me. It’s a great opportunity to use my gifts and talents for the good of others. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I wanted to pray it through on my own for a while first, just to get some clarity.”
Bela gave his hand a squeeze. “That’s okay, I understand. And the email from Daniel?”
“He was just confirming that the job’s mine if I want it.”
“When does he need to know by?”
“I’ve got a week to think about it.”
“Well, it sounds great. I think you should go for it,” said Bela, smiling. It really did seem like the perfect fit for him. And it would be nice not to have to worry about money anymore.
Michael kissed her. “Thanks.” Then he shifted a little and looked straight into her eyes once more. “I need to tell you though, there’s a possibility we’d have to move to Moscow. At least for a couple of years.”
Bela’s heart tightened within her chest. “What? Leave Shekala? Leave home? What about Angelina? She’s so happy at the moment. I don’t want to turn her world upside down again. She’s made friends, she’s made a new life for herself here. My family, they’ve all accepted her. Mama loves her...” She was rambling, but she couldn’t stop.
“Bela, it’s okay,” Michael said gently. “I’ve not made a final decision. These are things we need to think through together.”
Bela took a deep breath and felt her stomach relax a little. “I’m not sure about it, Michael. Is there no other way? Couldn’t you do the job from down here?”
“They want me to start up in the head office. You know, meet everyone, learn how things operate, be part of all the weekly meetings. But I’ll double check, if you like.”
“Please do.” Bela’s head was spinning a little as thoughts of packing up and leaving her home raced through her head. She didn’t like Moscow, she never had. It was too big, too grey. Angelina wouldn’t be happy there, she knew it.
Michael squeezed her hand and looked deep into her eyes. “We’ll pray about it. Together. Okay?”
“Okay.”
A WEEK LATER BELA WAS no clearer about what she wanted.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to give Daniel an answer soon. Have you thought more about it?” Michael asked one morning. Actually, she’d thought of nothing else for the past few days. She’d tried to pray about it, like Michael had suggested. Ever since being in Moscow with Lida, she’d felt her faith was stronger. She’d been reading her Bible more and been praying more too. But she’d been finding it really hard to pray about this. She knew she should be happy to do what God wanted them to do, what He thought was best, but she really, really didn’t want to go. She felt like a spoiled child having a tantrum.
“I still don’t know. I’ve been praying, really, I have, but it’s so hard. This is my home, Michael.”
“I know, sweetie.” He came over and put his arms around her. “I wan
t this to be a decision we make together. I don’t want to force you to go if you really don’t want to. But, think about it. It would only be for a few years, maybe just two. It would mean more money coming in. We could travel down here regularly to see your family. It mightn’t be that bad.”
“I just can’t see Angelina being happy in Moscow. She has friends here. She’s happy here.”
“I know, but children are very resilient. She’ll make new friends. Think of the opportunities she’ll have there that she doesn’t have here.”
Bela was silent for a moment. “Do you remember when I told you about my dream? The one I had that made me decide to follow Jesus?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And you remember that I felt God was telling me that my place was here with my own people?”
“Yes. But that was a choice between coming to England with me or staying here in Russia. In the end I came here, didn’t I?”
“I know, but... Maybe my place is still here, in the Caucasus, with my people.”
“I’ve heard there are plenty of Circassians living up in Moscow. Maybe your place is with them too? Maybe God has plans for you to reach out to those people there?”
Bela looked at Michael. She hadn’t thought about that. Maybe he was right. After all, it’s not as if she’d found a way to serve God here in her hometown yet. Perhaps God really did have plans for her in Moscow.
“Maybe...” she said, cautiously.
“Just think about it, okay?”
“Okay.” She’d pray about it tomorrow while Michael was out and Angelina was at school. Perhaps... just maybe. Her period was due tomorrow. Maybe God hadn’t given them a baby yet because he wanted them to move to Moscow. That would make sense, wouldn’t it? She almost certainly wouldn’t have gone if she was pregnant. She would want to have the baby here, in familiar surroundings. Perhaps this was all part of God’s plan? She wasn’t sure if it was correct to think this way, but perhaps if her period came tomorrow, that is, if she still wasn’t pregnant, then it would be a sign that she was supposed to go to Moscow. Wouldn’t it? She felt more at peace than she had in a long time. At last, this might be a reason why God hadn’t blessed them with a baby yet.
Chapter 15
Azamat
Azamat sat on the edge of the bench, one leg bouncing up and down as if all his excess, nervous energy was concentrated in that one place. His eyes scanned the people entering the park. Where was she? Was she coming? Perhaps she’d changed her mind.
Then he saw her.
She glanced around the park, and after a few seconds their eyes met. In that brief moment, all the old feelings came flooding back into Azamat’s body and he felt like he’d been hit in the chest. It was just like in the old days, when they would meet here together, his heart jubilant every time he saw her. Only this time she wasn’t smiling.
He stood up and waited for her to approach.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
She fumbled with her bag and looked around nervously.
“Do you want to walk or talk sitting down?” he asked.
“Let’s sit down.”
He sat down again, and she sat too, leaving a gap between them. There’d never been a gap between them when they used to meet here before, when they were younger. The gap between them now might as well have been the length of the whole park. It was a sharp reminder that life had moved on. They had moved on.
“How are you?” he asked. Would she want to chit-chat? How do you catch up on sixteen years in just a couple of minutes?
“Okay, thanks. You?”
Her manner was short and brusque. He could tell she was almost as nervous as he was.
“Good, yeah.”
“Look, I don’t have long. I have to pick up my son, from school.”
“Alikhan?”
“Yes. Alikhan. Of course, Alikhan. I only have one son. Look, you said you had something important to say?”
Azamat took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be easy.
“You know Alyona, my niece. Madina’s daughter?”
“Yes?”
“Well, I’ve seen them together, in the park.”
Milana laughed. Her face relaxed and her features changed. She looked more like the carefree, happy Milana he used to know. “Of course, they’re friends. They’ve known each other since they were babies.”
Azamat didn’t laugh back. “I don’t think they’re just friends. I think it might turn into something more.”
“What? No, I don’t think so. What makes you say that?” Milana clearly still hadn’t put two and two together. She stopped smiling and concern flashed across her face. “Did you talk to Alikhan?”
“No, no, don’t worry. But I could see it in his eyes. Look, Milana, I’ve kept my distance like I promised, but, whether you like it or not, Alikhan is my son. My own flesh and blood. I saw the way he looked at Alyona. I saw the longing in his eyes. It was like looking in the mirror at a younger version of myself. I just wanted to make sure that you knew.”
“So I can put a stop to it?”
“Of course, yes! They’re cousins, for goodness sake. First cousins at that. And they don’t know. They don’t know that they can’t be together. It’s not allowed, you know that.”
Milana slumped and visibly softened. “You’re right, yes. I’ll have a chat. I should have noticed. I didn’t think it all through when you told me yesterday that Madina was your sister. It’s just, well, I’ve been a bit preoccupied lately.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, yes, nothing to worry about.”
“Is... Is your husband treating you alright? Are you happy?”
Azamat wasn’t sure why he’d asked that last question, but it just burst out. He still felt this responsibility to protect Milana, even though they hadn’t been together for years.
“We’re, um... It’s just... No, I’m fine. It’s just a difficult time, that’s all.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
There was silence for a while. He could see the sadness in her eyes. Should he probe further? Did she want him to? It wasn’t really any of his business.
“Look,” he said. “I’d really like to get to know Alikhan. I know I promised to stay out of his life but, well, something happened this summer.” He paused. Milana had no doubt heard that his father had got shot, but she probably didn’t know who it was who had shot him. There was no point going into it all now.
He bowed his head and continued. “Anyway, it made me realise that I didn’t want Alikhan growing up and hating me because I wasn’t in his life. I don’t want to replace your husband or anything. I guess Alikhan still believes that that’s his real dad, right?”
“Yes, that’s right. Alikhan believes that Murat is his father, and I don’t want that to change. We had a deal.” The flash in her eyes was back. Her free spirit and fiery, passionate nature had been one of the things he’d found most attractive about her. He had to get a grip. He wasn’t here to get involved with her again. Focus, Azamat, focus.
“Milana, look. One day he’s going to find out. It’ll be an accident. Someone will slip it into conversation, or something won’t add up and he’ll put two and two together. It happens, you know? I just don’t want him to hate me. I don’t want him to think I abandoned him. Abandoned you. You know I would have married you, right? You know I wanted to be a good father.”
Her eyes softened again, and she reached out a hand and placed it on his knee. Her touch sent a shock of electricity up his leg, but he tried to concentrate on the task at hand.
“I know. I’m sorry,” she said at last, removing her hand. “It all happened so fast. I didn’t have time to think much about what the future would bring. I didn’t know what it would feel like to carry this secret around for so long. It’s not been easy for me, either.”
“So, can I see him? Can we tell him?”
“I don’t know. I need to think about this.”
IT WAS THE EARLY HO
URS of the morning and Azamat was sat at the kitchen table staring into his cup of coffee. It was still dark outside, but it wouldn’t be long before the rest of the family would be up, and he would have to drive into town to open the bike shop. It had been a rough night, and he’d not been able to get back to sleep since being awakened at about four in the morning by a vivid dream. He had dreamed again about Papa. It was something that had happened often, since the shooting. He was in the park. He could see his father, but he couldn’t get to him in time. And then the look in Pavel’s face before he’d run off into the darkness. Only this time, it hadn’t been Pavel’s face. It had been Alikhan’s. Alikhan had turned to look at him, his eyes filled with hatred and disdain. What could he do to make sure that the dream never came true? What could he do to stop his own son hating him like Pavel hated his father?
And then there was Milana. How could he still be thinking about her, aching for her, after so many years? He’d opened up so many old wounds by insisting on meeting her in the park, but he’d had no choice. He’d had to warn her about Alikhan and Alyona. And now? Oh, he wanted to be with her so badly. He was still in love with her, that much was clear.
All his life he’d been trying to get by on his own. Struggling to make something of himself. Pushing people away. Pushing God away. How crazy he was to think that he knew what he was doing with his life? Sometimes he envied Michael and Bela. They might be delusional, but it must be nice to think that there was some greater force in the universe in charge of your life, dictating how your life was going to pan out and giving you a path to follow. He was so tired of being on his own, of trying to make his own way. He’d never been good at making decisions. How was he supposed to know what to do about Alikhan?
Pray about it, my son.
The words that had just come into his head took him so much by surprise that he looked around the room to see who might have spoken. But there was no one there. Great, he was hearing voices now, he really was going mad. Pray about it? Pray, like Bela did? She’d asked God to give him wisdom. It had sounded an easy thing to ask for when she’d said it. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to pray for wisdom about this himself. If God wasn’t real, then it wouldn’t make a difference. But if he was real, then, well, he sure could use some help figuring out the mess he’d got his life into.
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