He closed his eyes.
God, if you’re there. Sorry. It’s me, Azamat. Yeah, I guess you know that. Well, I’m kind of in a mess here. Again. I really want to get to know my son. What should I do? Can you tell me? I could do with a little wisdom here. I know, who am I to ask you, but for Bela’s sake. You know her, right? She thinks that praying is a good thing, so here I am, just trying it. Well, let me know.
Okay, so that hadn’t been so bad. Although he did feel a little crazy. He took another sip of his coffee, which was rapidly becoming too cold to be enjoyable anymore.
How was he going to get to his son? He took a deep breath, and for the first time in a long while he felt a strange feeling flood through his body. He felt lighter, as if he’d been picked up, or as if a huge weight that he’d been carrying on his shoulders had been taken away. He knew this feeling, although he didn’t have it very often. The feeling was hope.
He stood up, drained the remnants of his now-cold cup of coffee and placed the mug in the sink.
God, I think you’ve got this. I know you’re going to help me be reconciled to my son. Somehow. Thank you.
Chapter 16
Milana
Milana had walked away as fast as her high heels had allowed. She hadn’t looked back once at the bench where she knew Azamat would still be sitting, watching her. She had held her head high and tried to look confident and in control. The truth was, she was far from that.
A week had gone past since their meeting, but she still couldn’t stop thinking about it. When she’d seen him, even after all these years, she’d felt her body instantly and instinctively reacting to old, familiar feelings that had been pushed far, far down but never been completely replaced. It was like a fire had been pulsing through her veins again. She hadn’t felt that for a long time. It wasn’t like that with Murat. He was a good, steady, faithful husband, yes, but he didn’t light her up the way Azamat did.
But she couldn’t think about that right now. She was still processing what Azamat had told her that afternoon. Was he right? Was it time to tell Alikhan who his real father was? Panic rose up within her at the thought. She had spent all these years keeping the secret. They all had. Yes, there was a risk Alikhan would end up being angry with Azamat, but he might be angry with her too. She couldn’t afford to damage the relationship she had with her one and only son. It was too great a risk.
She looked at her phone. Great, she was going to be late again. She started walking again in the direction of her son’s school. She’d promised to take him shopping today for some new dancing shoes since he’d almost grown out of his old ones. She’d have to forget her conversation with Azamat for the moment and think it all through later.
But it had been so good to see him. He still looked so handsome after all these years. He still had the ability to make her heart flutter in a way that no other man, including her own husband, was able to.
Oh, Azamat. Did I make a huge mistake all those years ago? Should I have stood up to my parents? Should I have married you and not Murat?
The trees were shedding their leaves in full force now, and someone had swept together a pile of them by the roadside. Alikhan had loved playing in the autumn leaves when he was little. He’d had a happy childhood.
Whatever her feelings about Azamat, she did still need to think about what Azamat had told her. Was her son truly falling in love with his cousin without realising it? She really hadn’t seen it coming, but now it made sense. Yes, she and Madina had joked about it, but she’d never actually taken it seriously. Had she been blind to a relationship that was blossoming right under her nose? A relationship that she and Madina had unwittingly fanned into flame? All those Friday nights at the Orange café. Perhaps it had been a mistake. She’d always just thought Alikhan and Alyona had been close because they were like brother and sister, but maybe there’d been something more.
But, no, it wasn’t her fault. She’d had no idea that Alyona was Azamat’s niece until a few days ago. But now that she did know...? She’d have to have a talk to Alikhan. But if she told him he wasn’t allowed to get involved with Alyona he’d want to know why, and what would she tell him? If she just forbade him outright, with no explanation offered, he might find a way to see Alyona behind her back. It wasn’t like it was with her and Azamat all those years ago. Back then, they’d hidden their relationship from her parents because they knew they wouldn’t approve. Azamat was a college drop-out with no prospects. He wasn’t good enough for her. Had she thought that too? Perhaps, a little. But with her son it was different. She would have been very happy for the two to get together, although they were still a bit young to be thinking about things like this. It wasn’t a case of not approving of Alikhan’s choice. No, it was more than that. It was rooted so deep in their culture that first cousins should never marry. In fact, neither should second, third or fourth cousins for that matter. It was dangerous and would bring disgrace and bad luck to their family.
She took a deep breath. Alikhan was going to have to know the real reason why. But how on earth would she tell him?
Chapter 17
Bela
Bela stared at the small white stick in her hand for what must have been the fiftieth time. There it was, the second red line. There were two red lines, and that could only mean one thing. She was pregnant. She really was pregnant at long last.
Her heart was doing flip-flops inside her chest. She felt like skipping round the room, giggling like a schoolgirl. It was unbelievable. She was finally pregnant.
Did she need to get a second opinion? What if the stick was wrong, a false positive? Perhaps she shouldn’t get her hopes up too much. No. She would go out and buy another test and make doubly sure before she told Michael.
Michael. Moscow. What effect would this news have on their plans to move in three months’ time?
Oh dear, this wasn’t good. Hadn’t she made an agreement with God that she would go to Moscow if she wasn’t pregnant? After her bargain with God just over a month earlier, her period had started the next day, and once she’d resigned herself to the decision to move to Moscow, she’d actually started looking forward to going. It was as if she’d finally been able to relinquish her dream of having a baby, at least for now, and start living in the present moment. She’d been happier, smiling more. Michael had even said so. Maybe, ironically, that was why she’d been able to get pregnant at last, even without trying. Hadn’t her friends at work said that stress and worry didn’t help?
But now, God, now?
All the old doubts and fears flooded back into her mind. She’d never wanted to raise a baby in Moscow, stuck in some grey, faceless apartment, in a busy, noisy, polluted city with eleven million other people, far from her homeland, her people and her family.
God! What are you doing? Is this some kind of joke? I’m thrilled I might be pregnant. Thank you. But why now? Why would you let us start making plans to go to Moscow? You knew I didn’t want to raise a baby in Moscow. I thought we had a deal.
Deals with God were probably not a good thing. She’d read the story about Gideon and his fleece, and in some way, she’d laid down a fleece of her own, but perhaps she hadn’t had the right to do that.
She looked up at the clock. Michael would be home soon, with Angelina. She’d keep this news to herself until she’d taken a second test. Maybe it was all just one huge error. False positives were quite common, weren’t they? A tear trickled out of one eye. It wasn’t an insignificant error, if it was one. She really wanted this baby, so badly it made her stomach hurt. And somewhere, there, deep inside, just maybe, there was a tiny new life just beginning to grow.
A WEEK HAD PASSED AND she still hadn’t told Michael. She was beginning to feel quite guilty about it. The second test she’d taken, just to be sure, had been positive too. And the third. But for some reason, she hadn’t mentioned any of this to Michael yet. She wasn’t sure why. Perhaps she didn’t want to say anything in case it was bad luck. Maybe she was enjoying having th
is little secret. Maybe she just hadn’t found the right time to tell him. He was so caught up in their plans to move to Moscow.
“Daniel’s found us a great apartment, just a couple of blocks away from the office,” Michael had announced to her and Angelina yesterday. “I wouldn’t even need to use public transport to get to work, it’s well within walking distance. It’s in a great area, Bela. There’s a park nearby, I really think you’ll like it.” He’d come home from work so excited about the future, she hadn’t had the heart to tell him that she was having second thoughts again.
“And we’ll be able to travel to England so much more easily. It’ll just be one flight away instead of two. My parents have even talked about coming to visit us, imagine that! I’ve been here seven years already and they haven’t once visited. Not that I blame them. Shekala airport isn’t exactly on the tourist route. Can you imagine my mum on one of those rickety local planes? She’d have a heart attack before she landed.”
Bela had nodded as she watched Michael from the other side of the dinner table.
“And we’ve already found a great school for you, sweetie,” said Michael, patting Angelina on the head.
“Really? I’m not sure about it. I don’t want to leave here. What if I don’t have any friends?” Bela had given Angelina a sympathetic look. Were those really Angelina’s fears, or was she just voicing what Bela had been thinking and perhaps communicating to her?
“You’ll make new ones, don’t you worry,” Michael had reassured her. “There’ll be loads of little girls just waiting to be friends with you, you’ll see.”
Bela had watched as Angelina put a forkful of food in her mouth, apparently satisfied by Michael’s answer. If only it were that easy.
Bela glanced at the clock, and moved her hand to her stomach, almost unthinkingly. Perhaps it was time to tell Michael. Perhaps this morning, after he’d dropped Angelina at school. She took a deep breath and began clearing away the breakfast dishes. She needed a quick bathroom break before she started on the washing up. It was going to get worse, apparently, having to go more often. A flicker of excitement fluttered in her stomach. She was going to have a baby. It hadn’t really sunk in, yet. She’d been so concerned about having to move to Moscow and telling Michael she didn’t want to go anymore. She was going to have a baby. That was amazing. They should be rejoicing instead of worrying. It wasn’t fair that Michael didn’t know, she didn’t really have a right to keep this from him. It was his baby too. Maybe he’d agree and decide they should stay in Shekala and raise the baby here, close to her family.
She sighed and reached for the toilet paper. Then she saw it. A spot of blood. No doubt about it. Her whole body froze. No, this couldn’t be happening. She checked again. More blood. No, no, no!
God, not now, please! I don’t want to lose this baby. I haven’t even told Michael yet. Please, God, help!
It wasn’t unusual, was it, to lose a bit of blood early on in the pregnancy? There was still a chance everything was okay. She should lie down and rest. Maybe all this worry had brought it on. Who could she call?
Zalina, I need you! Why aren’t you here to talk to about these things? You’d know what to say!
But her best friend was dead. Bela didn’t really know her other friends well enough to talk to about these kinds of things. Madina? Mama? She would have to tell Mama. But not before she’d spoken to Michael. Where was he? Oh, God, no, not this! Was this some sort of cruel joke? Why was this happening?
It was a very, very long half an hour before she heard the door open.
“Michael?”
“Bela? Where are you?”
“In the bedroom.”
Michael came in and frowned as he saw her.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
She burst into tears. Michael immediately gathered her in his arms and held her close.
“What is it, what’s the matter?”
“I think I’m losing the baby.”
“Baby?”
“I’m pregnant. I took the test a week ago. I was going to tell you today.”
“That’s great...” Michael sat back for a moment, his eyes shining. But the smile faded. “Why do you think you’re losing the baby?”
“I’m bleeding. Not a lot, but it’s not stopping. I don’t know what to do.”
“You need a doctor. We should go to the doctor.”
“I suppose so. There’s the clinic over on Krasnaya street. I was thinking of going there for a check-up once...” She let out another sob and held her head down in her hands. “Once I’d told you the good news.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks and looked around for a tissue.
Michael got up. “Come on, let’s go. Hopefully it’s nothing. It’ll be okay. They’ll know what to do. Are you able to walk?”
“Yes, I think so. It’s not a lot of blood. Not at the moment, anyway.”
How she got to the clinic was a bit of a blur. Her whole body was in a state of shock. She tried to pray, but couldn’t get the words out, even silently. Michael was praying, she could tell by looking at him. He was holding her hand tightly and staring at the door they’d soon be going through once they were called. She was glad he was here. He’d know what to do. He could be strong for both of them.
A few minutes later, the nurse was moving the scanner over her belly as Bela lay on the bed, Michael standing by her side. They were all looking at the monitor, though Bela had no idea what they were looking for. The thing was, there was no sound. That was a bad sign, right? There should be a sound. She looked at the nurse, wide eyed, questioning. The nurse shook her head.
“There’s no heartbeat. The baby is not growing. It must have died a few days ago.”
Bela sank back down onto the bed, every last ounce of hope draining out of her body.
“What happens next?” Michael asked, his voice shaky.
The nurse was a little too prompt and efficient for Bela’s liking. She probably saw several dead babies every day, but it didn’t make it any easier for Bela.
“It’s only a matter of time before the body will naturally abort the baby.”
“You mean, a miscarriage?”
“Yes. Probably in a few hours. You should go home. If there are any complications, if the bleeding is heavy and doesn’t stop, then call an ambulance. In the meantime, we’ll book you into the hospital and call you when a place becomes available. They’ll need to do another scan to make sure that everything’s come out.”
Bela put her jeans back on and followed Michael back out into the hallway, trying to avoid the eyes of the many happy-looking ladies in various stages of pregnancy sitting in the waiting room. They were the lucky ones. She hoped they knew how lucky they were.
Michael paid the bill and they drove home in silence. The sadness was palpable. Dashed hopes. Disappointment. Anger. How could God do this to them? She wouldn’t even think about that just now. She had to prepare for the miscarriage. What would that be like? Would it be painful? Surely, any physical pain could never match the pain that was growing in her heart? The pain she’d be carrying with her for the rest of her life.
Chapter 18
Azamat
Azamat walked through the doors of the Orange Café and looked around at the people inside. He had rushed here as fast as he could after Madina had casually mentioned at home that Alyona was meeting her friend Alikhan tonight for a bite to eat. He could be wrong, but something inside him told him that Alikhan was building up the courage to ask Alyona out. Ever since the incident with Papa in the park, Azamat had learned that it was best not to ignore his intuition. But he could be wrong. He was either just about to save the day or make a huge mistake.
He spotted the teenagers over in the corner by the large pot plant and approached their table before he had time to change his mind. The two looked up straight away. There was no mistaking the flicker of an angry glare in Alikhan’s eyes. Had he interrupted something? In that case, he hadn’t been a mom
ent too soon.
“Hi Uncle Azamat, what are you doing here? Are you looking for me?” Alyona’s manner was breezy and cheerful. It didn’t look as if Alikhan had had a chance yet to say anything to her.
“Yes,” Azamat replied, trying to muster a friendly smile. “Your mother told me you’d be here.”
“Is she alright? Is everything okay?” Alyona asked, concern wiping away her smile. “You look funny.”
Azamat drew up an empty chair and sat down between the two of them.
“She’s fine. Everyone’s fine,” he said, looking first at Alyona and then at Alikhan. How was he going to even begin? He’d had no time to think this through properly. He’d just run off on a whim. Totally unprepared.
“Then why are you looking so serious?”
Azamat cleared his throat. They were both looking at him, wanting an answer. How on earth was he going to tell them what they needed to know? There’d been no time to consult further with Milana. He guessed she hadn’t said anything yet, otherwise Alikhan wouldn’t be looking at him in that quizzical way. Azamat glanced around. Fortunately, the other customers were far enough away for their conversation not to be overheard, but he lowered his voice anyway.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“To me?” said Alyona.
“Actually, both of you.”
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