Azamat held up his hands with the other men in prayer and then joined the procession out of the courtyard, following the body, which was being carried on a palate, covered in a white cloth and a blanket. He glanced up at the porch and noticed Milana’s pale face watching along with the other women. Had she noticed him there? Probably not. Her eyes were too full of tears to see clearly through the mass of almost identical black caps and black jackets. As the procession wound its way down through the streets, he found an opportune moment to peel off and make his way back to his car. Murat’s final burial ceremony would be a special farewell moment for Alikhan, and he didn’t have a right to be there. Let the boy say farewell in peace.
Azamat slowly walked away, fingering the cap in his hands. What did this mean now? What would the future hold? It was too early to tell. He didn’t want to seem callous or disrespectful, but deep in his heart, if he was willing to admit it, there was a little flicker of hope.
Chapter 24
Bela
Moscow was a grey, cold, unfeeling place. She’d been right. And yet, she’d also been wrong. Bela slipped in between the doors of the metro carriage just before they closed.
“Take care, the doors are closing. The next stop is Oktyabraskaya.”
She smiled. Even the automated female voice of the train tannoy was familiar to her now. She’d lived a whole year here when she was a student, but so much had changed since then. And she’d changed, too. She was no longer a determined but naïve student, desperate to travel to London and escape Russia. She was older now, with responsibilities. A wife and a mother, and an employee at the orphanage, a job she loved. But she wasn’t coming from there now. It was a Thursday night, and she was on her way back from this evening’s Circassian Christian meeting.
She found a seat and settled down. The stop nearest her home was a good half an hour away, but she didn’t mind that. Sometimes she read, but often she used the time to pray.
God, thank you so much for the meeting we had tonight. Please help everyone get home safely, and please would Tina want to come again next week. She’s a really special young girl, and I’d love to get to know her better.
Lida had mentioned the group to her a couple of months ago, soon after they’d arrived, and Bela had got involved immediately. She’d always felt that God had wanted her to be among her own people. Wasn’t that why she’d turned down Michael at first? She couldn’t see how they could be together when her place was among the Circassians. That’s why she’d fought so hard to stay in Shekala. How could she be true to her calling unless she was in the Caucasus? But God, of course, was a God of surprises. How had she ever thought she knew best?
The group was a lovely collection of people of all ages. A few of them were students, come to study in the capital, and it was these young women that Bela felt most drawn to help and encourage in their faith. She’d learned a lot since she’d become a Christian, but having to answer other people’s questions had forced her to dig deeper herself, and her own faith was growing stronger as a result. Maybe Tina would agree to meet up separately to study the Bible together?
Lida hadn’t been able to come that night because she’d not been well, and Bela decided to stop by on the way home to see how she was. Lida’s apartment was only a few blocks away from theirs.
The days were lengthening now that it was April, but she didn’t want to be out too long after dark. She’d just be half an hour or so. Lida buzzed her in, and Bela bounded up the flights of stairs towards Lida’s apartment.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you.”
“I just came to check on you. It’s not like you to miss a meeting, I wanted to make sure you really were sick!”
They both laughed. “I’m on the mend, but I didn’t want to infect anyone. Come in. I’ll make some tea.”
“I can’t stay long. I’m glad you’re okay.”
Bela slipped off her shoes and settled herself at the familiar kitchen table. They chatted about the group and what Lida had missed that evening. Lida was becoming as close to Bela as her own mother. Sometimes, Bela felt an ache in her heart that she couldn’t have these kinds of conversations with Mama. It was hard being the only Christian in her immediate family.
Thinking of Mama prompted another thought in Bela’s mind.
“Lida, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“It’s about my mother.”
“Yes?”
“I was just wondering. Did she ever come and visit you here in Moscow when she was younger? When she might have, um, needed some help with something?”
There was a strange look in Lida’s eyes, and for a moment Bela worried she’d said something to upset her. Perhaps she shouldn’t have mentioned it. Lida took a long time to answer, and when she did, her voice was more thoughtful and considered.
“She did come and visit. In the early seventies, before she married your father. Has she talked to you about it?”
“Only a few months ago. She told me she’d got pregnant by mistake and had gone to live with a cousin until the baby was born. I wondered if that cousin might have been you?”
Lida nodded. “Yes, it was me. She couldn’t let her family find out, you see. She managed to conceal it for the first three months, but then she came up here under the pretence of getting some work experience. I didn’t know she’d told anyone about it. I was sworn to secrecy.”
“I don’t think she had, until she told me a few months back. Lida, do you know what happened to the baby? Mama said she’d put it up for adoption.”
Lida got up to pour herself some more tea, and Bela couldn’t see her face when she answered.
“She asked me to place the baby in the orphanage until an adoptive family was found.”
“And did anyone take the baby?”
“Does your mother want to know?”
“No, I don’t think so. At least, she didn’t say she wanted to. I just wanted to know where my half-brother or sister might be now? I don’t even know if it was a girl or a boy. Can you remember?”
Lida’s eyes softened, and she placed a comforting hand on Bela’s arm. “I really can’t tell you more than your mother wants you to know, dear. But don’t worry. Lots of our children get adopted, fortunately, although it’s impossible to remember each individual case.”
“I’ve noticed where all the records are kept at work. Now that I’m officially an employee, would it be okay if I looked through them? I could help to reorganise them at the same time,” Bela offered.
There was a slight pause before Lida nodded. “Sure, of course.”
Bela hurried home, mulling over in her mind what she’d learned. She’d been right, Mama had come here to have the baby. But it wasn’t until she was at the entrance to her own apartment block that the thought came to her. It was impossible to remember every case, but why wouldn’t Lida remember what happened to her own cousin’s baby? A baby who’d been growing in Mama’s womb for six months while she’d been staying with Lida. A baby she had perhaps wrenched away from Mama’s hands, telling her that it was for the best? A baby that was also related to her, albeit distantly. Why would Lida, a Christian woman full of compassion, not have followed up on that baby and made sure he or she was okay?
SORTING THROUGH PILES and piles of boxes at the orphanage proved to be a rather fruitless task. More than half of the records predated the orphanage’s rather antiquated computer system, and so Bela had taken it upon herself to input all the details contained in those folders while she was at it. A necessary and much appreciated job, but one which set her search back by a week or two.
The thing was, she had already gone through all the records for 1970-75 and had found nothing. No suspicious record that might have been Mama. It was possible that Mama had filed under a false name, but Lida had said that they’d always been careful to obey the law correctly, so it seemed very unlikely she’d done that.
Bela had continued to trawl through and reorganise the other records, but
her hopes of finding her long-lost half brother or sister were fading fast. She couldn’t help but feel disappointed and frustrated.
When she went round to collect Lida for the Circassian Christian meeting late one afternoon, it was Lida’s daughter, Irina, who opened the door.
“You look exhausted, Bela. Bad day?” Irina ushered Bela into the living room. “She’s just getting ready, she won’t be long,” she added, nodding her head in the direction of the bathroom.
“Thanks, Irina. Yes, it’s been a tiring couple of weeks.” Bela replied, sinking into Lida’s soft and comfortable sofa. She desperately wanted to talk to Irina about it but knew it would be betraying Mama’s confidence.
She and Irina had become good friends over the past month or so since Bela, Michael and Angelina had arrived in Moscow. Irina was as yet unmarried and still lived with her parents. She was a quiet and thoughtful young woman and had a strong faith like her mother. Bela was grateful for their growing friendship.
“Want to talk about it? I’m sure she’ll be at least another five minutes,” Irina asked, her face friendly and sympathetic.
Bela smiled at her gratefully. It would be good to talk a little. “I’m just trying to find out some information about an adoption,” she said, “but all the records at the orphanage are, well, a little disordered to say the least.”
“Oh, my word!” Irina laughed. “Yes, I’ve seen them. A bit of an administrative nightmare. I don’t think I ever found mine.”
“What?” Bela sat up straight.
“My records. My adoption records. I’m adopted, didn’t you know?”
“Er...no. I didn’t,” Bela stammered.
“Oh, I thought Mama might have told you. It’s okay, I found out quite a while ago.”
“How?”
“It wasn’t hard to work out, actually,” Irina continued. “I think I first got suspicious when I noticed that there were plenty of photos of Daniel when he was just a few weeks’ old, but there were none of me. When I asked my mother about it, it came out that it’s because I was adopted and Daniel wasn’t.”
“So, how old were you when you were adopted?” There were so many questions buzzing around in Bela’s mind that it was hard to pick just one at a time.
“I think I was about six months old. That’s about the time it takes for all the paperwork to go through properly.”
“Oh. And did you ever find out who your real parents were?” Bela asked, tentatively.
Irina was about to answer when Lida came into the room.
“Sorry about that, Bela. I’m ready now. Shall we go?”
“I... er... um.” Bela would have done anything to be able to continue the conversation with Irina, but it would have to wait. “Sure,” she said. “Let’s go.”
Chapter 25
Azamat
Azamat watched as a little boy fell off his tricycle, his mother running quickly to pick him up again and dust off his clothes. The family moved on, another one close behind: this time a young couple pushing a pram. The park was Azamat’s favourite place in town and yet also the one that induced the most pain. He loved the peace and quiet, the trees and the wildlife. He loved feeling anonymous and being able to watch the world go by. And yet, on this sunny day in early April, the park was full of happy, loving families out for a quick stroll, and it only twisted the knife deeper into his heart that he didn’t have one. Oh, what could have been if things had worked out differently? If he had been different?
He’d met up with Milana in this park, back when they were teenagers, but it was also here in this park that he’d had to let her go. And then Papa getting shot. Things had never been the same since, though perhaps that was a good thing. At least he’d made contact with Alikhan. At least he’d done his best to make amends. But look where that had got him. He hadn’t heard from either Milana or Alikhan for more than two months, not since Murat’s funeral. They were probably moving on with their lives. Without him.
Would Milana come back to him? Maybe. But it would be a long time before she’d be ready for a new relationship, and perhaps Alikhan would put a stop to that ever happening. Who would want a father like Azamat when they’d grown up with a father like Murat? Milana’s parents had been right all those years ago to marry her off quickly.
Azamat got up from the bench where he’d been sitting and carried on walking up the central path. Instinctively he turned left, towards the old concrete structure where he used to hang out with his friends when he was younger. Where he’d got together with Milana, all those years ago. If only he could go back in time and give the younger version of himself a good shaking. He’d been so stupid and carefree back then. He’d been on a dangerous path, but he’d been blind to it. Allowing himself to be pulled along with the crowd and getting mixed up with terrorists. No, Milana had been right to walk away.
Azamat slumped down near the side of the wall and held his head in his hands. Had he ever done anything right with his life? What was the use of him existing at all? He’d never done anything great or noteworthy. He’d never amounted to much, just like his parents had warned him. How many people would come and pay their respects at his funeral?
Trust in me, for I can move the mountains.
Azamat stood up with a jolt. It was almost as if someone had spoken those words aloud, right there and then. He spun around but there was no one. Great! He was hearing voices again!
Trust in me, for I can move the mountains. That sounded familiar. Hadn’t Bela said something like that when she’d prayed for him all those months ago. Yes, she’d thanked God that he was a God who could move the mountains. It had seemed a rather strange thing for her to say at the time. Move the mountains? How ridiculous.
But had God just spoken to him?
A strange, peaceful sensation flooded through Azamat’s limbs. If God had spoken to him, then he wasn’t a loser. He wasn’t a nobody with no purpose in life. Maybe, just maybe, God had plans for him. What did he have to do? Trust in God and He would move the mountains?
But something was stopping him. Something cold and painful deep in his heart. It was anger and self-pity and despair and self-loathing all mixed up together. He needed to get rid of that if he was ever going to be able to make something of his life. How could he do that?
Forgiveness.
That was it, forgiveness. That’s what Michael had said.
“Don’t leave it too late to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, Azamat. Forgive and let go.” That’s what Michael had told him, although he hadn’t really understood what he meant at the time.
But before he could forgive himself, he needed to know that God had forgiven him, surely? Could he do that? Could he ask God to forgive him? Bela and Michael had once told him that all he had to do was pray and ask for forgiveness, but he’d laughed it off at the time. He wasn’t going to become a Christian like them anytime soon. That’s what he’d told them. Besides, why would God want to forgive someone like Azamat?
But right now, he needed forgiveness more than anything. Was it that simple? Azamat racked his brains to try to remember the conversation they’d had in more detail. He glanced around to check he was still alone and then bowed his head.
God? It’s me, Azamat again. I... er. I don’t know if you spoke to me just now, but, well, I was wondering if you’d let me ask you something. Will you forgive me? Will you forgive me for being such a loser and making such a mess of my life? I’m sorry I made some really bad choices. I’m sorry for what I did and for what I almost did. Now I’m paying for it, I suppose, but I want to believe that there’s more to life than this. If I can only know that you forgive me, then I know I can do better. And you know what, God? Can you help me forgive myself too? I did some pretty stupid things, but I’m not going to let them define me anymore. I want to forgive myself and let go of the past. I’m ready to walk into the future now, with you, if you’ll let me. Could you show me how? I’m ready to listen now.
Azamat looked up, not sure what more to say.
Was that good enough? Would God answer him again? He did feel lighter, as if a cloud had lifted. He felt better about himself now, and yet there was something more that needed to be done, he just didn’t know what that was. At least he’d taken a step in the right direction. He needed to talk to Bela and Michael again, that was for sure.
A chaffinch flew down to the wall and perched just a little distance away from Azamat’s shoulder. It cocked its head to one side as if it were studying Azamat intently. Then it gave a little chirp as if it were satisfied and flew away. Azamat brushed off his jeans and walked back out into the sunshine, a new confidence in his stride. He hadn’t got to where he was going yet, but he was on the right path, he knew that now without a doubt.
Chapter 26
Bela
The tram pulled up and Tina jumped on, turning to give a quick wave before she disappeared inside. Bela and Irina waved back and waited until the tram had moved off before continuing their walk across the bridge and towards the park that was situated near both their apartments and not too far from Angelina’s school.
“She seems like a lovely girl,” said Irina.
“Yes, she is. I’m so glad you got to meet her,” Bela answered.
“You’ve been getting to know her through the Circassian Christian Group?”
“Yes. She has a lot of questions!” Bela laughed. “I keep telling her I don’t know all the answers, but I do my best. I think she just needs a friend she can talk to about these things. I understand her family situation back home doesn’t exactly warrant free, open discussions about religious matters.”
“I’m sure you’re doing a great job.” Irina linked her arm through Bela’s. “I think it’s great that you’ve got involved in that group. I kind of wish I had something like that I could go to.”
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