by Ford, Mia
I was wrestling with a million things all at once.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
It was my mother.
I didn’t want her or anyone to know how upset I was, but I was glad to see her.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” She asked. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”
I told her everything that had happened.
“I see,” she said. “Well, you can see why Paul is upset. But this is a small matter that will pass with time.”
“I don’t think so,” I said. “I’m afraid he is done with me, that he doesn’t trust me anymore.”
“Well, if that’s true then what the two of you had wasn’t that special to begin with, but with all you’ve been through together I don’t believe that. Trying times makes love stronger, not weaker.”
I understood what she was saying. Mom always knew exactly what to say to put things in the proper perspective.
“Now, since he is being so stubborn,” Mom said. “Why don’t you just go see the man? Apologize in person. You kids today hide behind this technology too much. No one really talks to each other anymore. Trust me. It will work out.”
I smiled and mom gave me a big hug.
“Thanks, Mom. That’s what I’ll do,” I said.
She was right. I had to go see him.
I quickly showered and got dressed so I could look as presentable as possible. I didn’t want to appear that I got all gussied up for Paul, but I still wanted to look attractive.
When I arrived at his place I was more nervous than I thought I might be. On the drive over I felt pretty good, confident even, but as I stood there outside his door I had a big urge to run back to the car and drive back home.
Still, I stood my ground and I found myself ringing his doorbell.
He answered a few minutes later. The look on his face was one of shock at first which quickly softened to one of happiness. I was quickly feeling like I had made the right decision to come over.
“Hey,” I said. “Can we talk?”
Paul waited a second before he finally said, “Sure.”
He stepped aside so I could come into his house. It felt good inside. His place was warm and cozy. It was getting really cold outside.
“Listen, I’m so sorry about what happened,” I said. “It was stupid. I shouldn’t have let Lara and Cindy goad me into it. But I never intended to let some stripper grind up on me. It just happened. And when it did I was too shocked to do anything. I felt like the spotlight was on me and I just didn’t know what to do. It was like my mind froze up, you know?”
“I know that it wasn’t your fault exactly,” Paul said. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realize I did blow it completely out of proportion. I let my mind run wild and I acted stupid.”
“You had every right to be upset,” I said.
“Yeah, but I handled it poorly. I should have stayed calm and listened better,” Paul said.
“I would never cheat on you or do anything inappropriate to hurt you,” I said.
“I know that, honey,” Paul replied. “I’m sorry I haven’t answered your calls. I wasn’t so much mad at you as I was embarrassed by the way I behaved. I’m sorry.”
Paul wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me close to him. It felt so good to be in his embrace again. I’d been thinking of it ever since the phone call the other night. I had been a wreck for three days and now it was over. Everything was going to be ok. I realized I should have come to him then so we could talk and just not let things stew over an ended phone conversation.
He stared into my eyes for several seconds and then he kissed me sweetly. His hot, warm, inviting mouth on mine stirred in me all those warm feelings of being loved by the man I loved back.
It felt like I was truly home when I was with him.
And it was so good to be back.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Paul
“You aren’t scared are you?
Debbie gave me a cute smile and shook her head.
“No, I’m not scared, but I’m not stupid either. I am not going on that thing,” she said.
I looked up at the large, towering carnival ride in front of us. It was called The Hurricane and it had always been my absolute favorite ride. When I was a kid my dad and I would go to every fair around and we’d ride that one at least twice.
But Debbie was terrified of it.
“What if I give you a kiss?” I asked. “Would that do it? A little incentive for you?”
“It’s tempting, but I don’t think so,” Debbie said.
“Fine, how about if I win you something cool? Then we can go on it? It’s not as scary as it looks. It’s a lot of fun, really?”
“Can’t we just do the Ferris Wheel instead?” Debbie asked.
I sighed. I hated the Ferris Wheel. It was the most boring ride ever. All it did was go around.
“Really? What are we like seventy?” I asked.
“It will be fun,” Debbie said. “It’s relaxing. Besides I’ll do a lot more than kiss you later if I’m feeling relaxed…”
Debbie started walking towards the Ferris Wheel and I quickly followed behind her.
“Well, then I guess I’m going to ride the Hurricane after all…” I teased her.
She laughed and punched me in the arm.
“How do you make everything sound way naughtier?” Debbie asked.
“It’s a gift I have,” I said. “That’s the only explanation.”
I loved the carnival. It was the last carnival of the year before it got too cold and the place was packed. Since Debbie had told me about it the week before I’d been stoked. When it came to things like this I’d always been like an excited little kid. I guess carnivals reminded me of childhood and always filled me with nostalgia. I loved the rides, the games, the food, and the atmosphere. It was always so much fun.
And it felt good to see Debbie laughing and having a great time as well. She’d been so stressed lately at work and I’m sure I didn’t help matters with my little meltdown over the stripper thing. God, how stupid was I? I realized it after a good night’s sleep, that I was being ridiculous about the whole thing. But by then I’d already made myself look like an ass and I was kind of ashamed of the way I acted. I couldn’t bring myself to call Debbie. I wanted to just throw myself on the ground at her feet and beg forgiveness, but I felt odd about the whole thing.
And I was still a bit angry about it. As childish as it sounded I probably would always be angry every time I thought about it. So lately I’d just tried my best to bury it inside of me.
After the Ferris Wheel we rode the Tilt-A-Whirl, and then The Scrambler. And of course we stopped along the way to play several of the games they had set up. I knew all of the carnival games were scams, but they were fun anyway. I actually won Debbie a nice, stuffed, Teddy Bear with a dart game.
Toward the end of the evening when we were getting ready to go home I began to think about some things. I loved Debbie with everything within me and I had been thinking lately about the big picture. I was considering asking Debbie if she would be my wife. At this point they were just thoughts, but they were starting to dominate most of my waking hours.
I thought I might ask her the big question sometime in the very near future. But first I wanted to gauge where she was on everything. I knew she loved me, but I didn’t know if she’d given any thought at all to becoming my wife.
Hell, I didn’t even know if she wanted to get married to anyone ever, not after Daniel broke off their engagement. I was fearful that it might have scarred her on the idea of marriage for life. And that would be a tragedy.
“So, what do you want out of life?” I asked. “I mean, where do you see yourself in five years?”
Debbie gave me a strange look and then smiled.
“Wow, that is random,” she said. “But I’ll play along. I’d love to be a top level accountant in a big accounting firm, but at the same time I don’t want to move out of the ar
ea. I want to stay close to my family and friends.”
“Ok, I get that,” I said. “What else? Do you see marriage? Kids?”
Debbie stopped and stared at me. There was a cute, little twinkle in her eye.
“I do see those things,” Debbie said. “I may be cheesy and corny, but I want the married life, the two point six kids, and the house with the white picket fence. I’ve always wanted all that. How about you?”
I was so happy to hear Debbie say that she saw herself married with a family one day.
“I want those things as well,” I said. “It’s weird because I never used to think about that stuff at all, but lately I guess I’m getting to that stage in my life where my priorities, my wants and needs, and a lot of my goals are changing.”
I reached down and took Debbie’s hand in mine. I wanted to ask her to marry me so badly right then. It would have been so romantic.
But I wasn’t ready. I didn’t even have a ring picked out. Hell, I didn’t even know what size ring Debbie wore. I’ve never been a jewelry guy, so the conversation never really came up.
We reached my truck and drove back to my place more or less in silence. It had been a wonderful evening and I had some answers. And they were the answers I’d wanted to hear.
Now I just had to take the next step. Debbie and I were going to have everything we wanted.
I was sure of it.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Debbie
“I just don’t know what it could be,” I said. “It was like he wanted to say something really important, but he didn’t.”
“Weird,” Lara said. “Are you sure you weren’t imagining it? You are my bestie and I love you dearly, but you’ve never been the best judge of people.”
“You suck!” I laughed.
“I still love you,” Lara teased. “But maybe you were wrong. If he had something to say he probably would have just said it.”
I sighed and took a sip of my iced tea. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re right, but it’s just a weird feeling I have.”
Lara and I were getting together for our weekly lunch. At least once a week we tried to have lunch together to help break up the monotony of the work week.
After our conversation last night I had the nagging feeling that Paul was going to say something or ask me something and I couldn’t get my mind off it. I wanted to ask him so badly what it was. I’d been distracted all morning long at work by it and it was driving me nuts. It was such a wonderful and romantic evening, but that one little hitch was really wearing on my mind.
“Do you think he was going to propose or something?” Lara asked.
That was it. That was exactly what I was thinking.
“Well, maybe,” I said.
“What would you have said if he’d asked you to marry him?” Lara asked.
I giggled a bit.
“I would have said yes,” I replied.
“Wow, really? Do you think you’ve been together long enough? I mean you and Daniel dated a lot longer before he asked and then you see how that worked out.”
“I know,” I said. “Thanks for reminding me, but I think it’s different with Paul. We’ve clicked right from the start in a way I can’t even explain. I don’t want to say it because it sounds too cheesy but it feels like fate or destiny, whatever you want to say.”
“That’s great,” Lara said. “I’d be so stoked if you got married. I’m totally your maid of honor, right?”
“Of course,” I said. “But we are putting the cart before the horse here. I have no idea if that was what he wanted to ask me. It might be something totally unrelated.”
“Well, why don’t you just ask him?”
“Because I don’t want him to feel pressured or to think that I want him to ask me something he doesn’t want to ask. It might be all in my head.”
“There is only one way you will ever know,” Lara said.
I realized she was right. Paul and I had been together long enough that we should have been able to talk about anything. Our feelings for each other were strong and pure. I loved him so much. I couldn’t imagine a second of my life without him in it. I wanted him to be my husband, my life partner, and the father of my kids.
The idea of this not happening wasn’t even real to me.
“Ok, I’ll do it,” I said. “I’ll ask him.”
“That’s my girl. Go for it,” Lara said.
The afternoon dragged on so slowly I felt like putting my head in a blender about twenty different times. I was really getting burnt out and I was starting to question whether I wanted to do private accounting anymore. Corporate accounting would be so much more rewarding in so many ways. But it would mean moving to a larger city and away from my home. I did not want to do that, so for now I was stuck where I was.
After work I rushed over to Paul’s place. I had to talk to him. I had to see if I was just crazy or if there was something bigger that we needed to talk about. I was a nervous wreck by the time I got there, but I was becoming better at facing my fears.
When Paul opened the door he looked like he’d seen a ghost. He was more upset then I’d ever seen him. His eyes were red, his chin was quivering slightly, and he was breathing heavily. Something horrible had happened.
My heart sank into my stomach and I felt like I’d swallowed a brick. I braced myself for what I was about to find out. Paul looked terrified. I’d never seen him look that way before. His hands were shaking. His whole body was trembling. I could tell he’d been crying and he was fighting the tears back with everything he could muster.
“I have to go,” Paul said.
He left the door open and rushed back inside.
I followed him with some trepidation.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Paul’s suitcase was laid out on his couch and he was packing up as much as he could fit into it.
“It’s my dad,” Paul said. He clenched his teeth trying to fight the tears. Swallowing hard he said, “He’s had a heart attack.”
I couldn’t move. My mouth went dry. My head was numb. Waves of dizziness began to vibrate throughout my body rocking the floor back and forth around me as if I were standing on some sort of teeter totter. I grabbed the wall to steady myself.
Tears were forming in my eyes stinging me and blurring my vision.
“What? Is he going to be ok?” I asked bracing myself for the worst.
“He’s in intensive care. They don’t know yet. He might not make it,” Paul said.
“Oh, my God,” I said. “Honey, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I’ll go with you—“
“No, you can’t,” Paul said. “You have work. I appreciate it honey, but I have to go alone.”
I didn’t argue with him. I wanted to show him support but I realized as soon as I said it if I left then I would be out of a job, plus the firm would be buried under the work I left behind. Even if they managed to find a temp with things as backed up as they were they would never be able to get through everything as fast as I could and get things done on time.
“Ok,” I said.
Paul finished packing and raced out the door, throwing his suitcase in the back of his truck.
I rushed out to say goodbye to him.
“Baby, I love you,” I said. “If you need anything or just to talk you call me anytime day or night. Please let me know how he is doing.”
“I will,” Paul said. “I love you, Debbie. I’ll let you know as soon as I know more. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
As I watched Paul drive away a sinking feeling fell over me. It wasn’t just the grief I was feeling because of the pain that Paul was in. I could only imagine the terror of losing one of my parents. I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it, but having someone close to you to lean on was so important in a situation like this. I hated that I couldn’t be there for Paul. I briefly considered bailing on work and going with him.
But it was wrong. I knew that.
Paul was strong. He wo
uld get by. I knew that.
And he would return to me.
I just hoped it would be soon.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Paul
“Dad, I’m here,” I said. The words came out of my mouth as an almost whisper. My voice was so shaky. My whole body was trembling. I hadn’t stopped shaking since I’d heard the news. How had this happened? Why? Why now?
My dad nodded slightly at me and smiled weakly. He couldn’t talk. The doctors did everything they could and now it was up to him to heal. They hoped that if everything went right then he would be able to leave the hospital in a week or so. But the damage to his heart had been extensive.
My mom said my dad had come into the house after feeding the horses that morning. He didn’t look well. She noticed he was sweating more profusely than normal and his complexion was kind of pale, an almost whitish grey color. He asked her to get him some water and while she did so he suddenly collapsed to the floor clutching his chest.
The ambulance arrived quickly and they took him in for emergency surgery. He had one hundred percent blockage on the artery that was commonly and grimly referred to as “the widow maker”.
“Mom, everything will be ok,” I said looking over at my mother who was fighting tears in the chair beside me. She was so devastated. I hated seeing her in so much pain.
“I’m so glad you are here, Paul,” My mom said through a weak voice.
“I never should have left,” I said. “This is my fault. I should have stayed and helped Dad. He was working too much.”
“Don’t blame yourself,” my mother said. “We both wanted you to go and make a life for yourself. We never wanted you to stay and work the farm your whole life, unless that was what you wanted. You have your own dreams. Your dad and I both just want you to be happy.”
I appreciated my mother’s kind words, but I couldn’t shake the guilt I felt. It was my fault. I never should have left. My father was overworked. He couldn’t afford to hire more farmhands since it had been a really slow time this fall. He was stressed about losing the farm and keeping things afloat. And my head was so messed up from dealing with Janice and the trouble she’d caused my life that I decided now was the perfect time to leave. I was wrong. I should have stayed.