by Ford, Mia
It took me about ten minutes to set everything up and then find Debbie’s profile. It was sent to private and I sent her a friend request. I hoped she saw it. Now all I had to do was wait. My cellphone reception on the farm was really spotty. About the only place it worked was on the far side of the horse barn. And there was no internet out there. My parents lived too far out to even get mediocre DSL service.
Of course I still had an old flip phone and I didn’t have the money to upgrade. So, hopefully I could use some internet off the data on my shoddy phone if I was in certain spots on the farm just in case Debbie did reach out to me.
But I couldn’t come back any time soon. I was needed there. I had to keep my head down and continue to make the progress I was making.
But I missed Debbie so much. I wanted so badly to hold her in my arms again and to tell her how much I loved her. I wanted to explain everything to her.
Although, at the same time I knew I needed this time to myself. I was so distraught and stressed about everything that if I did talk to Debbie at any length at all she might not even recognize me. I was not good boyfriend material at the moment. My mind was on too many commitments. I had no time for anything except work. I had to dig out of the hole that my parents had fallen into. It was my responsibility, especially since I felt responsible for leaving when I did. I should have taken a sharper look at what was happening with them and I would have stayed.
I just kept thinking it was meant to be that I found Debbie. And my father most likely would have had a heart attack if I’d been there or not. I’m sure the stress he was under contributed some to it, but it was difficult to say how much and if my leaving really had anything at all to do with it.
But I still felt responsible.
No matter what I did I couldn’t shake the guilt, so I buried myself in the work and knew that slowly but surely I would see the light at the end of the tunnel when I got there.
Surely, Debbie would understand that.
Chapter Thirty-One
Debbie
“Why am I doing this?” I asked out loud to my reflection. I checked my makeup and my outfit for the third time and decided that I looked decent enough.
Well, except for the slight bit of a belly bump I could see. Of course I was the only person who could see it apparently. Everyone else thought I was crazy when I mentioned it. I was barely ten weeks pregnant and I already felt like I was huge. When I really started to show I was going to freak out a bit.
But I was excited. A beautiful baby was on its way.
It had been weeks since I’d heard from Paul. Hell, it had been almost two months. And still nothing. The longer it went the angrier I got. I kept trying to figure out what went wrong and what I could have done to stop it. Was Paul using his father’s death as an excuse to move back home permanently and just kick me to the curb? Was he done with me? And why not call me and break up with me like a real man if that’s what he wanted?
Or was it something else entirely that wasn’t his fault. Did something awful happen and he just couldn’t contact me?
I had no idea what to think or which way to turn. My parents had been very supportive of Paul in the beginning since he’d been gone, but the longer it went on without word the more bitter they were becoming. Even my mother who was the sweetest, most understanding person I knew was ready to slap Paul silly if she ever saw him again for impregnating her daughter and then disappearing.
I kept reminding her he had no idea about the baby, but she didn’t care. She had lost her patience.
And I had started to lose mine.
That was why I had agreed to a date with Roy Denton. I’d known Roy since we were kids. We’d been in the same classes all through junior high and high school. We lost touch for a few years while he went to college, but he was back in town now and working with his father. They were both pharmacists in the local pharmacy his father owned.
Roy had always had a bit of a crush on me, but I’d never given him a serious shot because he just wasn’t my type and I didn’t think we were all that compatible.
But I was feeling very desperate and a bit jaded over the way Paul had just disappeared on me. I was pregnant. I was scared. And I just wanted something to take my mind off things for a while.
Roy was going to provide that distraction tonight. I just hoped I didn’t lead him on too much. I was not at all interested in starting a new relationship.
I loved Paul. I missed him so much. I thought about him constantly and I felt sick all over when I did. What was going on? Had he really just decided to dump me that way? I thought I knew Paul. I thought he loved me. Surely, there had to be some other explanation.
But as time rolled on I began to wonder less and less. I’d reached the point now that I’d almost resigned myself to it. Paul was gone. And he wasn’t coming back. I needed to start getting on with my life.
This thought regularly brought me to tears.
“Debbie! Roy is here!”
My mother’s loud voice echoed upstairs to me. I was actually looking forward to the evening. It might be fun anyway.
“Coming!” I called back, trying not to be as loud as my mother.
I gave myself a quick, last look in the mirror and walked out the door.
When I reached the bottom of the stairs and turned the corner to move towards the kitchen I saw Roy standing in front of the kitchen table. My mother was sitting on the couch in the living room. She smiled approvingly at me and continued knitting her latest garment.
“Hey,” I said to Roy as I entered the kitchen.
He turned around quickly, looked me over in one, swift, glance and flashed his best smile.
“Hi!” He said excitedly. “Wow, you look fantastic.”
“Thanks,” I said. “Are you ready to go?”
“Sure,” Roy said nervously as he hurried to walk out of the kitchen.
It was then that I noticed my laptop was sitting on the table opened up to my Facebook page. I hadn’t closed it when I went upstairs. I thought I’d locked it…
I quickly exited out of Facebook and shut down the laptop.
As I followed Roy down the hall to the front door a nagging thought ate at me. Was Roy snooping my Facebook page?
No… he wouldn’t… would he?
I tried to ignore it but the feeling bothered me. I told myself I was being silly. I was just nervous and looking for any reason at all to not like Roy.
I missed Paul. But I was trying to move forward. I just had to keep moving one day at a time. That was all I could hope for.
The evening was started off with dinner at Dashes, a nice French restaurant a town over from ours. I’d heard about it before but never had the chance to try it until now. It was fantastic and a lot of fun. I loved the accents, the charismatic way the waiter took our orders, and the overall atmosphere was so serene and almost glamorous. I worried that I wasn’t quite dressed up enough, but Roy told me I was fine.
Roy pulled out all of the stops. He ordered a great appetizer, the best entrees, and even an amazing desert. I tried to only eat half of each thing because I wanted to savor all of it and not be too stuffed to move later.
After dinner we went dancing in a nice jazz bar I’d never been to either. I had never really been that into Jazz music, but now I really enjoyed it there. Roy and I even danced a few slow songs. He was surprisingly a decent dancer.
Before I knew it Roy was dropping me off at my parent’s house. I’d never expected to have as much fun on a date with Roy as I did. He really wasn’t my type. He was skinny, kind of on the shy, nervous side, he had a soft voice, and he lacked a lot of confidence.
But he was nice. We had a lot of great conversation and several things in common. As the date progressed he came out of his shell a little more and relaxed quite a bit.
“Roy, thanks so much for tonight,” I said. “I really needed it.”
“Sure, I had a great time,” Roy said.
We stood there for a moment longer. I started
to turn to go inside when Roy made his move.
He reached out and touched my hand softly. It felt nice, comforting. It had been a while since I’d felt that.
Then Roy leaned in and kissed me quickly on the lips.
And I let him.
My first thought was to turn away and explain that I still loved Paul. And that I still hoped he would return soon. I didn’t want to lead Roy on. He really was a great guy. But it wasn’t right.
Yet, somehow it felt fine. It felt good. I was glad I’d let him kiss me.
I said goodnight and went inside.
My mother was still waiting up on the couch watching old Matlock reruns.
“So, how did it go?” She asked.
“It went good,” I said.
I kissed her goodnight on the cheek and went upstairs to get ready for bed.
Yeah. It actually went really well.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Paul
Two Months Later
It felt good to be back, but different.
I couldn’t believe it had been almost six months since I’d left Shepherd’s Town. Nothing had changed in the town itself as far as I could see. Everything was still the same.
But I had changed a lot.
I’d worked hard since the day I left to rebuild my mother’s farm. Though it had been a hard fought battle, the farm was back up and running at full capacity. I was able to raise the six thousand dollars and then some to start hiring a full staff of farmhands, we had great crops coming in, the riding arena was up and running, and the stables were stocked full of horses.
It was all going perfect.
But now I had returned to pick up the pieces of my life. I felt so ashamed of the way I’d left things. I’d tried at first to reach out to Debbie. I’d tried to find a way to let her know what was going on with me. But when I really thought about it, I could have tried harder. I’d sunk into a deep depression over the loss of my father, combined with the stress of building the farm back up, I couldn’t have been the man that Debbie wanted or deserved.
The more time passed the easier it became to think less and less about it. I was too far over my head with work and with the emotional issues I was dealing with in the aftermath of my father’s passing.
But as things began to improve with the farm, I began to start piecing myself back together again.
And now I was the man that Debbie had fallen in love with. In my heart of hearts I knew that I’d done the right thing, but Debbie would probably not see it that way. I’d hurt her. I knew that. It killed me to know that.
But I was here to start fresh and make it right. I realized it was going to take some time, and I was prepared to take that time. I was going to do whatever it took.
I’d kept up the payments on the house I’d rented with whatever money was left over after putting it into the farm each month since I’d been gone. I was glad to see that everything was exactly as I’d left it, as I’d expected it would be.
I quickly got settled in and then drove to Debbie’s. I had to see her.
But, God I was nervous.
I stood on her porch for at least two minutes before I finally managed the courage to knock on the door.
A moment later the door opened and Debbie was standing there.
She looked beautiful. It was as if I was looking at her for the very first time all over again. I’d missed her so much.
It took me a moment to realize that she was different.
I couldn’t believe it… no… it couldn’t be…
She was clearly at least five months pregnant.
“Um, hi…” I started.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Debbie said.
“I… I… I’m back,” I said. I could hardly think straight. What the hell had happened? Debbie went and got pregnant that quickly after I left?
“Oh, are you? Well, that’s nice,” Debbie said. “You bastard! You have a lot of nerves showing up here.”
“Let me explain—"
“I’m not interested in your explanations,” Debbie said.
“Well, I think you have something to explain too!” I shouted back.
“I don’t owe you a damn thing,” Debbie said. “Get out of here. I never want to see you again.”
With that she slammed the door in my face. I heard the deadbolt snap into place.
“Debbie! Wait! We have to talk!” I shouted. “I tried to reach out to you but you never responded to me. Please let me talk to you!”
But Debbie did not come back to the door. It remained slammed in my face.
Adrenaline was coursing through my body. I felt so many emotions all at once. My head was practically spinning. How the hell did this happen? What was going on? It was like my worst nightmare.
I drove back to my place and sat down on the couch. I felt sick all over. Debbie had met someone else and gotten pregnant. And it happened that quickly? How… how…?
I just couldn’t think of any rational answers to this question. A month. She only waited a month?
“Why…?” I asked out loud. “WHY!” I shouted flipping my coffee table over and spilling the contents to the floor.
I sat back down and tried to get a grip. I was going to figure this out. I would find a way to talk to her. I was back in town and she couldn’t avoid me forever. I had to have some answers.
There was some piece of the puzzle I was missing. I was sure of it. It had to be better than this. There had to be a better answer.
I just wished Debbie would talk to me.
I sat there on the couch fighting tears. I don’t know how long I sobbed, but at some point I fell asleep.
When I woke up my only thought was still Debbie.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Debbie
“I don’t know what to do,” I said. I wiped my eyes with a tissue and threw it in the wastebasket.
My mother and I were sitting on the couch talking after Paul left. If he’d stayed out there yelling for five more minutes she was going to call the police. I begged her not to, but luckily Paul left and it hadn’t come to that.
“I know you are feeling confused and conflicted,” my mother said. “But think about it logically. You have to take your feelings, your emotions, out of it.”
“It’s not that simple, mom,” I said. “I can’t just turn it off. I still love Paul. I miss him.”
“I thought you cared about Roy? What about the two of you?”
“Roy is a great guy, and I do care for him, but I’m not in love with him like I was with Paul. We just don’t have that special spark. I can’t explain it.”
“Honey, you can’t just go chasing a special, romantic spark like in some romantic movie. You have to think logically what is a better fit for your life and your baby’s life.”
“Paul is the baby’s father,” I said. “Don’t you think that being with him is better for the baby?”
“Maybe, but maybe not. Paul is a hot head. He is unstable. Just look at the way he up and left you without so much as a phone call to tell you that he was staying away. What happens when he decides to just take off again?”
I wiped my eyes again. Seeing Paul, even that briefly, had opened up a lot of old wounds. I thought that all of that had been healed, but I was wrong. I still wanted him.
Still I knew what my mother was saying. Roy was steady, dependable, and stable. He loved me dearly and he wanted to be a father to my baby. He had a great career and he was a great guy.
But he wasn’t Paul. I didn’t know how else to explain it or rationalized it, but I wanted Paul. I loved him.
Yet, I couldn’t forgive him. I could not forgive and I would never forget what he’d done. He’d abandoned me when I needed him most. I would never give him that chance again.
At the same time, my heart burned for him.
“Honey, a big part of being a mother is always putting your child’s needs above your own. You may want Paul, but your baby needs stability. She will have that with Roy. Yo
u both will.”
I nodded.
My mother was right. She was right about everything, except the way I felt. I knew that logically Roy was the man I should be with.
But deep inside I just wasn’t sure.
What the hell was I going to do?
Chapter Thirty-Four
Paul
“Please? I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t important,” I said.
Lara looked up at me and shook her head.
“No, I’m not going to talk to her for you,” she said. “This is your fault. You did this. It’s your mess and you need to fix it.”
“Debbie won’t even hear me out,” I said. “I’m desperate.”
I was too. It had almost destroyed me to come to Lara and ask her to talk to Debbie on my behalf.
“Then that is not my problem,” Lara said. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you.”
“What about the baby? Debbie is with someone? How did that happen?”
Lara sighed. I was clearly getting on her nerves and I knew I shouldn’t have come to her house to talk with her, but at least she hadn’t slammed the door in my face.
“She is with someone. She is happy. He is a great guy and I think there might be a real future there. She is my best friend and she seems happy. Roy is a nice, normal guy. I think you should leave her alone.”
Lara’s words echoed in my head for a long time. Leave her alone.
Fine. I would.
She wasn’t wrong. I had made my bed and I was going to have to lie in it. Did I really expect Debbie to stay and wait for me all these months? I’d let myself get buried by depression and stress.
And now I was dealing with the aftermath.
“Drinking alone? That’s no fun.”
I was at one of my favorite local bars, the Dive having a few beers after my talk with Lara. I was just spacing out and drowning my sorrows when I heard the pretty sounding voice from my left.
I turned to see a sexy blonde in a stunning pair of tight jeans and a tight tank top that left little to the imagination.