Charming: The Coast Book 9

by Hart, Eve R.

  “Then tell me why, Blade?” Her eyes begged as much as her strained voice did.

  With a sighed-out breath, he moved closer to her. Then he took her in his arms, wrapping her tiny body up in his and laying a kiss on the top of her head. I couldn’t see much because his big body was blocking my view, but I knew that she wasn’t pushing him away.

  “I know it wasn’t what you wanted, but what if I told you it was what he wanted?” Blade asked and there was nothing in his tone that gave away whether it was true or not.

  “Was it?”

  “Yeah.” His head gave a little nod.

  “How do I know you’re not spinning me some sort of story to make me feel better?”

  “Because you know I’d never outright lie to you,” he said almost softly. He cleared his throat, then continued talking. “Know things were shitty when he was in the hospital. It wasn’t a good time for him or me. I may have hated that time of my life but I did get something out of it. I was close to your brother. Might not have known that because I like to keep my shit to myself and as you know, Dade was much the same.”

  He gripped the sides of her head and moved back so he could look her in the eyes.

  “He loved you as much as he loved this club,” Blade said, holding her gaze. “He’d do anything to protect both. Iron made the call based on that. He didn’t make it lightly and it wasn’t easy for him. But think about it, Abigail, what would Dade have wanted?”

  I silently shifted to the side so I could see her face. Her eyes were sad and wild as she thought over his words.

  “He asked for this, Abigail.”

  I’d been so wrapped up in the moment between Abigail and Blade that I hadn’t heard Iron approach.

  “I know it’s probably not something you want to hear,” he said standing behind me.

  I had no clue why I didn’t make a move to let him get by me. Maybe I was a little mad at him too. No more than I was at myself though. He’d put this on all of our shoulders. Only I was the one that made the choice to keep it from her. Not directly, but I never went to Iron and said that I needed to tell her. There was no sense in hiding behind him when it was really me that thought it was for the best.

  Besides, I really never thought she’d find out.

  Not like that was a good excuse and I knew it.

  “When Dade was in the hospital, he told me that if anything ever happened, he wanted me to do what I had to do to make sure the club was protected. He gave his life for this club, for me. That’s not something I’ll ever forget and it’s not something I take for granted.”

  The world seemed to stand still as my Prez opened up his heart and spoke words with deep a meaning. Blade still had his back to us, Abigail clung to him tightly but one of her eyes peeked around the side of his huge arm.

  “I’d never do anything to hurt you,” Iron said softly. “You are a part of this club as much as anyone else here is. That’s how I work. Yeah, it is brothers above all but you have to know what that means.”

  “I don’t see it, Iron. I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “It means that yeah, this is a brotherhood. And sometimes there is shit that you won’t know about and shit that goes on that we won’t talk about. But it also means that we look out for one another. Not just members. Not just brothers. We look out for every single part of them. You were a big part of Dade and I’m not sure if you see it or not, you’re a big part of each and every one of us.”

  Tears filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She clung tighter to Blade and it killed me a little that I wasn’t over there.

  “I did what I had to do to keep us all safe,” Iron said, a cool firmness in his voice. “I promised him I’d watch out for you. I know you don’t want to hear that. But I can’t do that if I’m not here. I can’t honor him if I’m worried about someone trying to find the truth. I did what I thought was best for all of us.”

  “You must hate me,” she said as her eyes fell downcast.

  “No, sweetheart. I could never hate you. I’m not even mad at you. I hate that it came to this and you got caught up in it all. But I don’t hate you.”

  I felt the air change around me and I slightly released the tension from my body as I took a step inside her room. Iron moved around me as if he knew why I’d taken the step. Then she was hugging Iron while she still clung to Blade.

  Blade had become her strength. The thing that was keeping her grounded and I wondered if either of them realized it.

  “You are part of us. You will always be. I’m not tellin’ you that you have to stay here, but I’m hoping you will.”

  I hoped to God that was all it took for her to understand. For her to see that she really was a part of us all. That she was wanted and loved here.

  It hit me then, that maybe that was the thing she’d been looking for all along. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen it before. I hoped she could see through all her hurt and anger. I just needed her to see that everything had been true and real. We cared about her. We loved her.

  I loved her.

  Fuck!

  Iron released her with a kiss on her temple. Then he was pinning me with a hard stare as he walked out of the room. There were no words but he didn’t need any. I understood every fucking thing he was saying. I’d failed, maybe not completely but I had messed up big time.

  I took in the scene a few feet away from me. Blade had been there when I couldn’t. He’d bulldozed his way in and gave it to her straight. And with that, he’d been able to get close to her. I stood there across the room like an asshole.

  Blade’s head ducked down as he whispered something in her ear. Her head shook but he kept on talking. I was too far away to hear but I had a feeling that it had something to do with me.

  “I’m gonna go,” he told her as he pulled away. She didn’t seem like she wanted to let him go. “I’ll be in my room if you need me, okay?”

  Her head bobbled with a nod.

  He turned on his heels and patted his thigh, causing Biscuit to leap off the bed and follow him to the door. His eyes met mine and he clapped me on the shoulder quickly. Then he was gone and the room was too quiet.

  Her eyes met mine and I said the only thing I could think of at the moment.

  “Don’t go.”

  “I… I can’t tell you that I won’t,” she said with a shake of her head. Her eyes met mine and they looked so heartbreakingly sad. “I need some time.”

  I wanted to ask how much and what could I do to fix this. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her that time was the last thing we both needed. I wanted to get down on my knees and beg her not to leave.

  But I said nothing because I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit more than for hers.

  With a small nod and a sad smile, I turned and walked out of her room. There had to be a way to fix this, I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t let that happen.

  I hadn’t had a lot of good in my life. Not that much bad either. But living a life where you kind of just floated along wasn’t really living. My childhood wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. It just was. There weren’t a whole lot of great memories. Mostly, there weren’t any because there hadn’t been those moments that stuck out to remember.

  When I turned eighteen I had this need to feel some kind of greatness. I needed a place where I felt like I could be something, make some kind of difference in the world around me. I didn’t want my life to end up meaningless. I found that, but I also found that I wasn’t all that happy about how hard it made me. The battlefield wasn’t a place for the weak or softhearted. And while I wasn’t all that soft or weak, I found that with every person I couldn’t save, the weight became harder to lift. It didn’t matter how many lives I saved, how many people I got out of there with a beating heart, it was never enough. Because the ones that had lost their lives were the ones that I always remembered.

  My time was up and I got out. I didn’t want to go back. Some might call me a coward or a disappointment. But what good wo
uld I have been to anyone if I couldn’t see beyond the ghosts in my head to move? At least I was smart enough to realize that. Some people weren’t. And I had also seen the damage that caused.

  I didn’t go home because home wasn’t a place that felt warm. I knew I wouldn’t find what I needed there. So I drove. And kept driving. I’d stop and find a shitty motel for the night, staying only long enough to get some sleep and grab a shower.

  One day my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.

  I called for a tow.

  And what I got was so much more than someone dragging my car back to some bum-fuck garage. I got a large woman that wore overalls and muscle shirts. She was rough around the edges and a little scary at first glance. Covered in tattoos and had an attitude that said not to fuck with her. She hauled me and my car to her repair shop, which wasn’t more than a one bay garage next to a trailer. Her trailer, as it turned out. The woman smoked and drank like a sailor, cussed as bad as one too. But she let me stay a few nights on her couch and fed me the best hash I’d ever had in my life.

  Her husband was long gone but he’d been a biker. Like I couldn’t tell by the dozens of pictures she had around her house. She fixed up my car and then oddly, offered me a trade. My car for her husband’s bike. I couldn’t take what she was offering but when she said she had a bad knee and back and couldn’t ride the thing, I wavered. Eventually, she won. I took the bike, able to handle it because I’d had a few buddies that liked to ride and when we were on leave, they’d let me have a few trips around the block when I stayed with them.

  I took what I could with me, left the rest behind to be forgotten, and took off to continue my adventure.

  That adventure ended on the east coast when I ran into a group of men that were just starting up a new chapter of their club in a new town.

  My prospect days were short given that I not only proved myself from day one, but also had skills they were in need of. Call it luck or fate, all I knew was I’d found something I didn’t even know I was looking for. A brotherhood that felt right in my bones.

  Not many things had felt right in my life. Being on the back of a bike and finding the Steel Paragons were pretty much the extent of the good I’d found.

  And now there was Abigail.

  I couldn’t lose her. I just couldn’t. I might not have been able to explain it, but there was something that felt warm and settled inside of me around her. Like what I’d always imagined home should feel like. She made me laugh and smile. When I thought about my time with her, there were so many memories in my head. Good things, happy things. Moments that meant something and were special all for different reasons.

  I hoped it was the same for her. I hoped that I made her happy and laugh. That I brightened her day as much as she did mine. Everything had been great until today. But really, what was I to do?

  “I offered to end him,” Blade said talking about the fucking detective as I walked by his opened door. Biscuit barked like she agreed that he should have.

  I huffed out a laugh and leaned on the frame, trying my hardest not to look back over my shoulder in the direction of Abigail’s room.

  “It’s a little too late now,” I responded. “The damage is done, though, I guess it’s not all on him.”

  “Don’t know how I feel about this one,” he said causing my head to tilt to the side and my eyes to narrow as I studied him. “It’s kind of one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t type of situations.”

  “I believe Iron made the right call about Dade. Sounds like it’s what the brother would have wanted.” I truly believed that, especially after hearing what Iron had said today.

  “Yeah, but maybe we should have, you know, told her?”

  “I thought keeping it from her was the right thing.”

  “And you never thought she’d know,” he pointed out with a hard look.

  “Well, yeah.” I rubbed the back of my neck as my gaze fell to the floor. “There’s that.”

  There was a long stretch of silence and I wished I knew what was going on in his head.

  “Why’d you walk away?” I asked him pretty much out of nowhere. I knew him walking away from her and leaving me there was more than him giving us space. I couldn’t see it at the time, but now that I was standing here, I felt something different.

  His look wasn’t exactly cold as he met my eyes, but it wasn’t warm either. In other words, it was his well-practiced everyday look.

  “Because I don’t belong there,” he told me. His hand patted his lap giving Biscuit the go-ahead to jump up.

  “You’re better with her than I am.”

  “Don’t mean shit, though. You’ll get there. Besides, you have something I don’t have.”

  “What’s that?” I asked as my mind raced to search for what he could be talking about.

  “Compassion and patience,” he told me pointedly.

  “Blade, you have both of those things, whether or not you want to believe it.”

  He gave a little shrug like my words didn’t bother him.

  “Not enough. Not the amount that she needs. She doesn’t need a rock, she needs one of those weighted blankets.”

  My head cocked to the side as I thought about his words. Sure, Blade was more of a boulder than a rock, but I got what he was saying.

  “And besides,” he went on. “I don’t love her.”

  My eyes narrowed and I knew that was a lie. It was clear as day that he cared for her. Well, to me it was. But that was because I knew him as well as anyone could.

  “Never thought I’d see the day where you’d bullshit me,” I told him flatly.

  “Not what I mean. She’s in here.” His balled up fist met his chest right over his heart. “Just not more than anyone else is.”

  I nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. He loved her, he just wasn’t in love with her. And he probably never would be.

  “This is the perfect time to untangle this thing,” he said.

  “How?” I shook my head because he was wrong. With everything that went down, she’d need both of us. She would need both sides wrapping around her to get over it. That was if she’d let us back in. And maybe, as I thought about it more, I needed him too. I wasn’t sure I could be good enough for her on my own. It was clear that Blade knew how to handle these types of situations. Fuck! It felt so wrong calling it that. A situation. Like it was some fucking problem that had to be handled. “If anything, it’s the time for us to show her that she has both of us.”

  He sighed. One that said he couldn’t believe how much of an idiot I was. I furrowed my brows and tried not to let the anger take over. How could he just drop Abigail at a time like this? She’d been through so much and now we’d dropped this bomb on her. Shaken up her whole world and all of us had betrayed her. Which was the worst part because I could only imagine how it must have felt. Like a sharp knife to the heart, that was what. The place she thought was her safety net, the people that she thought cared and loved her, had been lying to her all along. We had betrayed her.

  “It’s the perfect time,” he said as his eyes pinned me with dark shadows swirling deep inside. “Before things get messy. Before someone gets attached. Yeah, you know what I’m thinking. And now everything’s out there. The two of you can work through this together. And start again, together.”

  This was a goodbye in a way. I hated it and I really didn’t like that I wasn’t sure how much of a goodbye it was. I never meant for any of this to happen. But then again, I hadn’t really spent time thinking it through. That was where I’d fucked up and even Blade had blatantly told me that I had to figure it out. I had to talk and we had to come up with answers. Blade. Of all people, telling me to talk. Yeah, that should have made me wise up right then.

  “My advice,” he said in almost a growl. “Drop everything. The walls. The shields. Whatever the fuck that has you holding back, drop it. Let it the fuck go and tell her how you feel. How you really feel.”

  “You can’t shu
t her out,” I said almost angry now.

  “Don’t plan to. She’ll still have me,” he said with a flick up of his lips. “Just the way she needs me. And so will you, jackass. Stop looking like an abandoned puppy. Christ. We’re fucking best friends, that hasn’t changed. And it won’t, asshole.”

  I laughed and something in his eyes told me he was doing the same thing on the inside.

  I could tell he was done with this deep talking shit. I was surprised he’d given me as much as he had.

  I shifted like I was getting ready to leave.

  “Hey, anytime you want to spice things up, I’ll be down,” he said with a twitch of his lips.

  I let out a laugh as my head fell back.

  “I’m sure she would be, too.” And we both know I would be so there was no need to say that part. “That is, if she lets me back in.”

  “She will,” he told me sounding awfully sure of it. “It’s a lot for her to take in. A lot for her to process. Imagine being her, think of all the things that went through her head. She felt loved and accepted here and it was ripped away just like that. She feels like she is alone again. Feels betrayed and lied to.”

  “But she’s still part of us. It doesn’t mean… any of that.”

  “Still lied to her,” he said flatly. “Still gave her a reason to doubt our love here.”

  I let out a shuddered breath.

  “It’s worse for you because she loves you,” he went on clearly not giving a shit that every word he slung my way cut deep. My eyes snapped to look at his. “She does. I see it and you’re a dumbass if you can’t. As I was fuckin’ saying, it’s worse because of that. Feels like more of a betrayal. Right now she feels like she can’t trust you at all.”

  “And how do I fix that?” I asked like somehow the man that hated talking and people, in general, knew all the answers.

  “Give her time to see that her heart knows the truth.”

  “I really want to make fun of you right now,” I said trying to lighten the mood. His lips twitched.

  “I know you do,” he replied back. “You tell anyone about this shit and I’ll take care of you.”