Where I'm Going

by Parker Elliot

  But this wasn’t just another guy. It was Reign.

  And no matter how many times Benji told himself it was a waste of time, he couldn’t stop picturing himself with Reign.

  He gulped the last of his seltzer water down and slid the glass forward on the bar as he began gathering his things.

  Okay. Okay. Okay.

  Time to slow it all down. No matter where his mind wanted to go, it was legitimately too early to start picking out matching bath towels. He and Reign lived completely separate lives, halfway across the country. It wasn’t like they were a couple of kids, who could pick up, change careers and make major life decisions on a whim.

  He would go there as a friend, and spend time with Reign as friends do.

  Maybe that would be enough to put his mind at ease and get over the constant need to know what Reign was doing, or how he’d react to this joke, or what he thought about that TV show.

  Hopefully he’d be returning to Nashville in a week with a clear head, ready to work.

  And hopefully he’d at least have some clarity about what—if anything—he should do next.

  Maybe.

  Hopefully.

  By the time Benji got to Dallas, he was glad he’d turned down all of the opportunities to have liquor throughout the day. The flight attendant had been pushing the wine like his job depended on it, but Benji had somehow managed to politely refuse every single offer.

  Which wasn’t easy, because he’d been a fucking basket case, and a glass of wine—or five, or six—had sure sounded like a good idea.

  But once he got off that plane and saw Reign standing there waiting for him, his bright wide smile lighting up the whole terminal, all of the nerves and anxiety melted away.

  And once he got his arms around Reign in a long, tight—but friendly—hug, none of that other stuff even mattered. Everything was right in the world again, and none of the big questions needed to be answered immediately. Hell, maybe they didn’t even need to be asked.

  “God, I’ve missed you,” Reign said, still smiling as he led Benji to the car. “It sure feels like it’s been longer than a few weeks.”

  “It feels like it’s been years,” Benji said, laughing. “And I’ve missed you, too. Going back to work after Anguilla was… challenging.”

  “Oh my God, it’s been so hard,” Reign agreed, throwing Benji a knowing look. “I’ve managed to take at least the next couple of days off, though, so we can do whatever you want while you’re here.”

  Benji grinned. Should he say that all he really wanted to do was be there? That it didn’t matter if they never even left Reign’s apartment? Was that something friends would say?

  Too much?

  “I’m down for whatever,” Benji said. “I should probably shower and change clothes, but then I’m all yours.”

  The effect of his words didn’t go unnoticed. Benji had been watching for that extra-big smile that always came when he said things like that. But it was true. For the next few days, at least, he was all Reign’s.

  “Maybe we could grab some dinner later,” Reign said. “Then I could show you around a few places. Maybe hit up a couple of bars.”

  “Sounds perfect. And I can’t wait to see your bar. From everything you’ve told me, it sounds amazing.”

  Reign laughed, then nibbled at his lip for a moment. “Well, there’s no rush. Besides, are you sure you can handle hanging out at a gay bar?”

  “Whatever,” Benji rolled his eyes. “I think we both know the answer to that. Seriously, though, I can’t wait to see it.”

  “I’m sure we’ll get there. Maybe not tonight, though.” Reign shrugged, but before Benji could say anything else, he pointed at the red Mustang nearby. “This is me. I’ll be your chauffeur for the next few days, so I hope you don’t mind a convertible.”

  “In this heat? I think that’s definitely a plus.”

  “I think we’ll get along just fine, then.” Reign tossed a playful wink in Benji’s direction before grabbing the bag from Benji’s hand and putting it in the small backseat of his car. “Shall we head back to my place, then?”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  It sounded perfect, actually. Like music to his ears. And he was pretty sure Reign was right—they would get along just fine. Better than fine. Great.

  Perfect.

  20

  Reign

  Reign checked himself out in the full-length mirror behind his bedroom door. He’d just heard the water turn off in the bathroom, which meant Benji would be getting out of the shower.

  Which meant they’d be leaving for dinner soon.

  Which meant he’d need to come up with more excuses for why they couldn’t stop and visit his bar—at least not yet.

  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to show Benji the bar—far from it. The place was his lifeblood, his sweat and tears and hopes and dreams. But he knew there wouldn’t be anything approaching a decent crowd until much later in the night, if there was a crowd at all.

  And it was a truth that he’d sort of left out when he’d told Benji about the place over the phone. But the subject of his bar closing and his impending financial ruin just hadn’t come up, and Reign certainly hadn’t wanted to bring it up—especially not with the most successful guy he personally knew.

  So he’d decided not to say anything. And now… he was trying to decide how long he could stick to that plan before it became obvious that he’d been hiding something.

  Maybe he could keep Benji busy enough that he just didn’t really think about it again. Or maybe he could talk Benji into waiting until some afternoon, when he wouldn’t really expect the place to be busy. Better yet, maybe he could take Benji for a tour when the place was closed, sometime in the morning. There was a great place for bagels and coffee just down the street—that might just work.

  And he wasn’t technically lying about the place. He was just… not bothering Benji with the details. It would only lead to more stress and worry and conversations that Reign didn’t want to cloud Benji’s visit. He wanted to keep things light and fun and fast-paced for the guy who had become accustomed to living in the fast lane and dealing with movers and shakers.

  He wanted this vacation to be just as relaxing as Anguilla had been—well, for Benji, at least. Reign doubted he’d have much time to actually relax during the week, but that was okay. As long as Benji was there, that was good enough for him.

  “Hey, which towel should I use?”

  Reign jumped as Benji’s voice called from the bathroom, and he instinctively walked closer to the door to avoid having to yell his response.

  “Whichever one you want. Any of the ones in the little closet there will be fine.”

  In Reign’s mind, he could picture Benji on the other side of that door, water dripping from his hair and running down his perfectly sculpted chest and abs, following the deep cut lines that pointed like arrows right down to Reign’s favorite place.

  “Your water pressure is really nice,” Benji said, opening the door and causing Reign to jump again. He hadn’t realized that he’d still been standing so close, and Benji looked a little surprised to see him there. “Did you want to help me dry off or something?”

  “Yes. No, I mean… thanks, about the, um, water pressure.”

  Benji laughed and Reign could feel his face flush with heat as he took several steps back and averted his eyes. But even though Benji was at least partly covered by the towel—well, all the important bits, anyway—there had still been more than enough skin for Reign to feast his eyes upon.

  The sudden tightness in Reign’s throat matched the tightness in his pants as his brain waged war with his cock over what to say or do next. Part of him wanted to jump into Benji’s arms and wrap himself around that muscular body. But the other—smarter, wiser—part of him warned that was probably a bad idea if he wanted to keep up any pretense of keeping things in the friend zone.

  “Just kidding,” Benji said, grinning as he crossed the room to grab a change of clo
thes from his suitcase. “I’ve got it under control.”

  “Okay. Great. I’m just gonna, um, go get some water while you change.”

  Benji shrugged but Reign hurried from the room before he could say anything else. God. Why was he so embarrassed? No doubt Benji could see right through him and knew exactly what Reign had been thinking—probably why he’d made that joke about toweling off in the first place. But still, Reign didn’t want to be that transparent, or that pathetic.

  Benji was a guest, after all, even though he strangely seemed more like an old college friend who had come to visit rather than a guy Reign had met the month before on vacation.

  He’d expected it to feel a little bit odd to have Benji there in his apartment, and it had been a little awkward for about the first five minutes. But then it had just been… normal. As if Benji had been there all along. As if it was just another Friday night.

  And if he was being honest, Reign wasn’t sure whether or not that was a good thing. Of course he was happy that they both seemed to be so comfortable together outside of a vacation environment. It was easy to be comfortable in a luxury suite on an island resort, after all. But it was also a little worrisome how easily Reign had adapted to having Benji in his space. He’d been there for an hour, and Reign still hadn’t managed to stop smiling.

  Then there was the fact that—in the not-too-distant past—he’d shared that exact same space with Toby, had made decisions based on what would be best for the two of them as a couple, and had tried to imagine building a life with him. And while he never quite could picture forever with Toby, it did feel a little bit wrong that he couldn’t stop thinking about how it might be to wake up next to Benji every morning.

  Did that make Reign a bad person?

  No, probably not. But it did make him something, and that something probably wasn’t cautious or prudent.

  And even though he couldn’t admit it out loud—could barely even admit it to himself—he did want to wake up next to Benji. Tomorrow, the next day, every day. But it wasn’t going to happen. Well, aside from the next few days, and then forever in Reign’s fantasies, anyway.

  Then again, he also never thought Benji would call again after Anguilla, or that he’d ever actually make it to Dallas to visit.

  It’s what kept that little voice alive.

  What if?

  Still, just because that little voice had been right some of the time didn’t mean it was some kind of miracle worker. What Reign wanted was a lot more than a phone call or a surprise visit.

  What he wanted was forever. And the chances of forever happening with Benji?

  Not the greatest.

  So… fine. He would take the time for what it was—sort of like he had in Anguilla—and not let his heart get too hopeful at every little innuendo and charming smile that Benji threw his way. It was the only way he’d be able to keep his heart from wanting more at the end of it all. The only way to keep his heart from getting broken.

  “How do I look?”

  Benji’s warm, deep voice made Reign’s whole body tingle as he stepped out from the bedroom. So many answers popped into Reign’s head, each one a little more over-the-top than the next.

  You look amazing. Radiant. Like a million bucks.

  “Really nice,” is what Reign settled on, nibbling his lip as he gave Benji a once-over. “Really nice. If I do take you to a gay bar, you’re gonna get a lot of attention.”

  “That’s okay,” he said, tossing Reign another one of those sexy-as-hell-but-probably-just-friendly winks. “If anyone asks, I’ll just tell them I’m with you. As long as you don’t mind?”

  Reign shook his head. “No, I don’t mind.”

  Not. At. All.

  “Great, should we get going, then? I’m starving.”

  Reign shoved aside all of the thoughts their brief little exchange had brought rushing to the front of his mind and put on his best smile as he nodded. “Absolutely. This is gonna be fun.”

  And even though he meant every word—having Benji there really would be a lot of fun, no doubt—he was already starting to worry.

  Because he was already wanting more.

  Even though Reign was used to pulling late nights at the bar, he had to admit that after dinner at the restaurant, drinks at two small dive bars, and about an hour at the cavernous dance club in Oak Lawn, climbing into bed sounded pretty good. Surprisingly, though, Benji hadn’t shown any signs of stopping.

  Reign had assumed that Benji would be more of an early bird than a night owl, but he was still going strong well after midnight. And even though a part of Reign never wanted the night to end, he also didn’t know how long he could keep putting Benji off from taking him to the one place that Reign had managed to keep off-limits so far.

  “So, are we heading to your bar now?” Benji asked, looking over at Reign as if he’d just read his mind.

  Reign had opened his mouth to start giving the tenth or eleventh excuse for why they couldn’t go there when he caught sight of Benji’s bright smile from the corner of his eye. Even in the dark car, illuminated only by the dashboard lights, Benji’s smile was like sunshine.

  And how was Reign supposed to say no to sunshine?

  “You’re not tired?” Reign asked, hoping for a last-minute miracle.

  “Not really, no. Come on, we’ll only be a minute. I just wanna see. I promise I won’t touch anything or ask for a discount.”

  Reign laughed. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

  “Then what are you worried about? Do you not want to take me there? I mean, I don’t want to be pushy. We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

  After a moment, Reign shook his head. “No, it’s not that I don’t want to take you there. And you’re not being pushy. We’ll go. We’re pretty close right now, actually.”

  “Perfect. I’m excited to see it!”

  That makes one of us, at least.

  Reign’s heart was beating so loudly when they pulled up in front of the building that he was certain Benji would be able to hear it. He’d sent a text to Jenny an hour before, so he already knew that it hadn’t been busy all night, but he still held onto a tiny thread of hope until the moment they got to the parking lot.

  The fact that he could count the cars on his hands and still have a couple of fingers left over told him everything he needed to know. It was apparently not a good night for miracles to come through.

  As soon as they were in the door, Reign could see Benji’s eyes scanning every square foot.

  “This place is a lot bigger than I imagined,” Benji said. “And it looks really nice. That granite bar is amazing. It’s easy to see that you and your staff put in a ton of work here.”

  Reign smiled nervously. It felt like someone was judging his baby. “Thank you. We all do put in a lot of work. But it’s a labor of love, mostly.”

  Benji nodded. “I guess I just thought there might be, um… more people? I mean, for a Friday night?”

  Slowly, steadily, Reign exhaled the breath that it felt like he’d been holding in all night. Any chance that Benji might not notice, or might not realize the significance of the far-too-empty building had just evaporated.

  There was really nothing left to say. Except the truth.

  “There should be more people,” Reign said, finally. “There needs to be more people. The fact is,” he paused and took a deep breath, unsure for a moment if he was really ready to go there, “that this place is close to going out of business. Very close.”

  Benji frowned as he quickly closed the distance between them. “Reign, I had no idea. I’m sorry.”

  Reign could feel his eyes begin to well up with emotion. He hadn’t meant to say any of that, but now that it was out in the open, he felt like a little bit of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

  “Thanks. It’s just hard.” He took a deep breath, trying to steady his voice. “It’s hard to see something you love—something you’ve worked so hard at for so many years just�
�� go down the tubes.”

  “I can imagine. Why didn’t you tell me before? No wonder you didn’t want to bring me here. I shouldn’t have pushed. I’m sorry.”

  Reign shook his head. “No, don’t apologize. None of this is your fault, obviously. I just didn’t want you to see that I’m actually a failure. I guess I didn’t want you to think less of me.”

  “Reign, listen to me,” Benji reached out and tipped Reign’s head up until their eyes met. “You’re not a failure. No matter what happens with this place, you’re not a failure. And I could never think less of you. Ever. You got this place off the ground and opened it—you followed your dream, and that’s a hell of a lot more than most people could say. It’s a lot more than I can say.”

  Reign blinked hard to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill over. “You don’t feel like you’re following your dreams?”

  “I think maybe dreams can change sometimes.” Benji shrugged. “But this isn’t about me and my dreams. Will you let me help you? I don’t know a damn thing about the bar business, but I’ve been across the country in bars just like this when Chase was starting out. I’ve got the number to every bar owner from here to Nashville—”

  “No, Benji, stop,” Reign pushed back and held up his hands in a mock surrender. “I appreciate your enthusiasm, but… this is a mess that I created, and it’s up to me to fix it.” He could tell from Benji’s expression that he was about to protest, but before he could open his mouth, Reign added, “Please? I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want you to worry about my problems, okay?”

  Benji waited several seconds before he answered, and Reign couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t necessarily agree. “What do you have planned?”

  “I um, don’t know, really. I have a few vague ideas… something for charity, maybe. Something that will draw a crowd, get people in the door, that sort of thing. But nothing concrete yet. I just thought maybe I could figure something out that might benefit the bar and the LGBTQ community here in Dallas—make it a double win.”