The Nether Mind: 33 Flash Fiction Stories

by E.A. Wicklund

  The Wonderful Wolfen

  Life took a turnaround when magic returned to the world in 2024. The Mayan calendar was wrong. The world did end as they predicted, but it was the world of weak magic that ended. The world of strong magic rose again. Magic spells that were previously a mere oddity, suddenly worked. Across the world, ordinary people started doing magic. People began posting their exploits on Youtube. Spells for body modification flooded the internet blogs. Folks walked around with real horns, tails, and functioning wings. Trouble was, people haven’t honestly tried magic in one thousand years. There were mistakes, and like anything else on the internet, people didn’t always verify before posting.

  I decided to give the body modification thing a try. I was tired of getting pushed around and bullied. At 5’9″ and one hundred fifty-five pounds, I got a lot of that. People always ignored me unless the topic was computers. I wanted more acceptance, you know? I wanted Karen, the receptionist, to finally go out with me after asking her nine times. So I did an internet search and dug until I found a blog titled, “Be a Werewolf – Reversible at will.”

  It looked awesome. The guy had pics of himself as a werewolf, on the beach with sunglasses on. Hot babes were taking pics with him. He’s dunking a basketball ( always wanted to do that ). And then he had a vid of himself changing into a wolf and into to a man, back and forth. So cool. I could be a badass wolf whenever I wanted and simply change back whenever. Best of both worlds.

  So I did it. I collected the simple ingredients, and did the spell during a full moon. *poof* I became a werewolf. I was so jazzed. I grew to eight feet tall and four hundred fifty pounds of solid muscle with claws that could cut steel. That night, I started twenty fights with only two takers, and those guys were UFC fighters. I trounced them. Easy breezy. It was a heady feeling until the morning.

  I couldn’t change back to human. For hours I tried and nothing happened. I called in sick at work and tried some more. It went on for days. I researched the internet and tried various reversal spells. Nothing worked. On the third day, I found it. The original post that wizbang3318 copied and presented as his own. Jackass probably never tried it. It wouldn’t be a big deal except when he copied and pasted into his blog, he missed this part:

  The final ingredient is 1 cup of Ginger. This mundane root is critical to the whole spell. Without it, the subject cannot revert back from Wolf form, ever. No reversal is possible.

  I was stuck as a wolf, permanently. This presented a LOT of problems. I tried to go into work but they wouldn’t let me in. I showed them my mag card with picture ID, but sadly, I didn’t look like my pic anymore. I was effectively fired. I couldn’t go into the mall. The security guard kept saying, Sorry, sir. No dogs allowed.” Really? Do I look like any dog you’ve ever seen? I could’ve snapped his neck with a flick of my fingers. I guess I’m still a geek at heart.

  Turned out most businesses wouldn’t let me in. They kicked me out of freakin’ McDonalds for criminy’s sake. Oh, but they served other body mods with horns and gills flapping around, no problem. I started on this whole venture looking for more acceptance, and now I had less than ever! At least I wasn’t the only one. Thousands of folks across the country were caught in the same trap. All stuck as a wolf. When mistakes are made on the internet, they propagate, fast.

  We formed a support group. Six of us met once a week at the Witches Brew bar, the only place that would serve us. We liked to think of ourselves as Wolfen instead of Werewolves, since we couldn’t change back. Think it’s a coincidence that all the Wolfen were formerly geeks? Yeah, me neither. Imagine a pack of giant wolves having this conversation:

  “You know it’s weird, but even silver bullets didn’t work against me,” said Phillip.

  “How do you know it was silver?” said Harold.

  “I tested it, of course.”

  “You can’t just look at it. It might be antimony.” James rolled his eyes.

  “Who uses antimony in a bullet?” demanded Gary.

  “I tested it with my Young Teens Chemistry Set,” grated Phillip.

  “Oh, okay.”

  “Is it the Pro version? That one’s better.”

  Just then, a guy burst through the doors and screamed, The Rhinotaur is coming! It’s smashing up the whole city!”

  Of course, the guys had to geek out.

  “It’s Minotaur, you dolt.”

  “Yeah, three dice damage, six defense.”

  “Read The F’ing Manual, dude.”

  Then we heard the explosions and gunfire. We dashed out of the bar and, sure enough, the guy was right. It was fifteen feet tall with limbs like trees. The giant rhino head on top bellowed with rage. It swung a double-headed axe the size of a kitchen table at a cop car and hurled the vehicle across the street, through a building. The beast spat a stream of fire that blew up a tanning salon.

  “I like the fire-breathing touch.”

  “Acid does more dice damage,” corrected Phillip.

  An army attack chopper flew in firing thirty millimeter cannon rounds. Like most magical creatures, the Rhinotaur just shrugged them off. Cops were firing from all directions to no effect. Steadily, it drew closer to the Witches Brew. “Guys,” I shouted. “It gets any closer, it’ll smash our bar. Our home!”

  That got them going. We charged ahead as a pack. We leapt upon it, biting and clawing. Our fangs and claws were magical and allowed us to pierce the tough magical hide of the Rhinotaur. Our immense strength drove the wounds deep. It swung its axe at us, but we were too fast. We fought like wolves, biting and releasing, then grabbing and pulling. Eventually, the creature bled out and succumbed. It was over in minutes. We stood up from the corpse to the cheers of police and onlookers. We were heroes!

  Saving a whole city changes things. We finally gained the acceptance we all craved from the beginning. We could go anywhere, eat anywhere, and it was all on the house. People shook our paws wherever we went. We were “The Wonderful Wolfen” and everybody wanted to be like us. The Wolfen body mod became the most popular in history. I got my job back, and Karen the beautiful receptionist, changed her mind about me.

  Turns out, she’s a dog lover.

  The Courier

  I should’ve been happy at returning to Earth, but the mean streets of Ellis City held little safety for me. As possibly the most wanted human in the entire Churri spiral arm, I wouldn’t be free until I escaped from neutral Ellis City and into the human-controlled city of Corpus Christi.

  Oppenheimer waved frantically, indicating I should hide behind the stinking dumpster in the alley. The 5’2″ alien was a dead-ringer for the Giant Otters of South America, except for the utility belt and braces full of gizmos and weapons. His species were known for its scientific technology, but in this case he was an operative tasked with helping me escape back into human hands.

  I watched as a squad of Ri’ipin marched past the alley mouth. With their black and white fur they looked vaguely like upright-walking skunks. The difference being that skunks carried around guns the size of bazookas, they never established an interstellar empire, and never fought humanity to a standstill with starships the size of skyscrapers.

  Ri’ipin were the danger, the ones hunting me with everything they had. If they found me here, it wouldn’t only be bad for me, it might be considered a violation of the peace treaty and start the Human/Ri’ipin war all over again. Oppie peered around the corner and gave another hand signal. I flattened against the wall beside him as directed. He seemed to relax and turned to me. “Stay calm,” he said. “We’re going to a drinking establishment.”

  I thought about the mean and sometimes dangerous people in bars. “How does a hyper-space drive designer stay cool in bar?” I scowled. Geeks like me were never well-accepted in human bars. Would it be any better in an alien one? “Do I talk about wave functions?”

  “It’s where our contact is!”

  I relented and followed him. He knew this turf better than me. Just two doors down, he opened the door to
an espresso bar. I relaxed. Nothing bad could happen in an espresso cafe.

  I expected students in jeans. Instead, the place held mostly aliens swigging mochas and talking loudly. A crowd of birdlike aliens sang songs off-key. Another wobbled uncertainly to the bathroom. Oppenheimer directed me to the only empty table. “What’s wrong with these aliens?” I asked.

  “We’re in a bar. What do you expect?”

  “But they’re drunk. This is an espresso bar!”

  Oppie scowled. “Chocolate makes non-humans drunk. You don’t know this?”

  “Hello! I’ve been off-planet the whole war. Ellis City didn’t exist before the treaty.”

  Before he could reply, a human woman abruptly sat across from Oppie. She wore a clingy harem outfit with artistic slashes. They revealed a toned, yet curvaceous body. A face like an angel’s smiled through her dark, swirling locks. “Need company boys?” She winked at Oppenheimer.

  It had been years since I'd seen a woman. Here, the first one I see is a goddess. It took conscious effort to shut my mouth and wipe away the drool.

  Oppie glared. “Piss off. We’re waiting for a friend.”

  “I can be a friend,” she winked more obviously.

  Yes! Yes!

  “Another time, sister.”

  She whispered huskily. “Oppie! It’s me. The courier.”

  Oppie shook, then grinned with recognition and blurted loudly, “Oh hi! Hey, I did it. He’s safe! Don’t you feel stupid now?”

  “Inside voice, Oppie!” husked the courier.

  A chair suddenly fell over. A large scarred man rose from his stool and plowed through the crowd towards them, carrying a vicious-looking gun.

  "Uh oh."

  “Did I do it again?” cringed Oppie.

  “Bounty hunter,” grated the courier. And then she moved suddenly. From a sitting position, she leaped over seven feet into the air and flipped backwards. Her unusual maneuver caught the scarred man by surprise. He walked straight into her attack. Her high-heeled boot smashed into his forehead. The other boot cracked the gun out of his grip. Landing with perfect grace, she plucked up the exotic-looking weapon from the unconscious man and expertly cocked it. She moved like a blur, grabbing my hand and hauling me through the stunned crowd to a hallway. She swung open the door at the far end and shoved me and Oppie out.

  She ran out last to find a Ri’ipin leveling a gun at me. “Jackpot,” he grinned. A three shot burst hummed just as the courier leaped in front of me. She collapsed to the ground, her shoulder mangled from the high energy blasts.

  “Hannah!” shrieked Oppie. He began firing from the hip before I saw him move, his furry face twisted in rage. Hyper-velocity projectiles pulverized flesh and the Ri’ipin went down in a cloud of orangish blood.

  We huddled over the courier, Hannah, and worried as she closed her eyes. I thought the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen was dying right there, but as I watched, amazed, her wounds began to close. Soon, she smiled up at me.

  I could not imagine a more incredible, fantastic woman. She saved my life. Emotions flooded my mind, and my mouth spoke of its own accord. “I want to give you children.”

  “First, let’s get you out of here safely, loverboy,” she quipped. “Men!”

  Within hours, I stood on the street corner outside the protective dome surrounding Ellis City. The beautiful courier was fully and incredibly healed.

  I never saw her again. For the many years that followed, as I developed weapons that kept humanity safe from hostile aliens, I stopped to visit at the dusty street corner where she handed me over to human authorities. Eventually, I found love and started a family, living life the human way once again. Still, I never forgot the amazing courier who brought me home safely.

  One Thing Better

  Jenny was a sweet girl with a soft voice and a heart-warming smile. These endearing qualities were overshadowed by one thing.

  Her tush.

  Everyone in Jenny’s home town of Heffeberg, TX will tell you her tush is a world beater…but there’s one thing better.

  Since Jenny turned eighteen and her tush blossomed fully, distracted drivers hit four cars, three telephone poles, and a pizza delivery man. On any given day, a crowd of transfixed young men could be seen following her as she walked to work at the pet hospital. In one year, four were hospitalized with concussions after walking into lamp posts, six men broke ankles while tripping on unseen curbs, and one lesbian fractured her tibia while walking into a fire hydrant. Jenny’s tush has been replicated in bronze and it now resides in the Smithsonian Institute.

  ***

  Howard Potsdam (aka, “Jam4bootay”) had made millions by the time he was twenty. His hip-hop hits included “Booty, Oh That Booty” and “What a Wonderful Booty” (featuring Louis Armstrong). It was his videos that really made his money, though, with girls upon girls shaking that…well, you know. With all his fame and riches, Jam4bootay was used to taking certain liberties with the video girls’ booties.

  He cruised through the quiet streets of Heffeberg on his way to Dallas to film his next music video. Perchance, he looked over to see Jenny on her way to work…and then he ran into a bicycle rack.

  He got out and followed Jenny, his hand quivering in anticipation.

  “Careful!” said a passing old woman. “Her tush is great, but there’s one thing better.”

  Jam4bootay ignored her and continued. Three times more, people offered the same warning. He ignored them. He caught up to her and reached out, and grabbed her butt…

  He awoke in the hospital.

  “Don’t sit up!” said the nurse. “You have a fractured skull.”

  “What happened?”

  “You grabbed Jenny’s tush.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Only one thing is better than Jenny’s tush.”

  “People keep saying that! What is this one thing better?”

  “Jenny’s spinning back kick.”

  Persuasion

  “Welcome, Monsieur Geroux!” said Patterson. “My cafe is honored.”

  “The honor is mine”, said the portly Geroux as he sat at the offered table. He sighed, smiling, “Ah! THIS is what I like. No stainless steel, no robots running about, just wood and plants and familiar things.”

  “I’m aware of your distaste for modern restaurant techniques. I believe it was in Piquant magazine that you said, ‘Food made by robotic cooks is not food at all. I’d rather starve.’ ”

  “Yes of course, and I stand by it!”

  “The difference is so profound?” said Patterson.

  “It is clear to me immediately. A single bite and I will know.”

  “You’ll be happy to know we don’t use mechanization. Ah!” Patterson paused as the server, Marie, laid several plates before Geroux. “I took the liberty of ordering our finest breakfast for you.”

  “Very thoughtful!” Geroux began to eat, tentatively at first, then with gusto.

  Patterson began to worry at the silence, waiting until Geroux finished. “Well, Monsieur?”

  “Magnifique!” bellowed Geroux. “The Quiche Lorraine was perfect, so creamy. The flavors blended effortlessly. And these strawberries. So plump and full of flavor. Where did you get them? I must meet your cook and shake the hand of a genius!”

  “I’m afraid that’s not possible,” murmured Patterson with a smile.

  “Why not?”

  “I must admit I’ve deceived you slightly. No cooking robots were used as promised, but this food was made with nanotechnology.”

  “Nano what?”

  “Microscopic machines. They assembled this food atom by atom. It’s good, no?”

  “You mean I have eaten those tiny demons? Pwah! Pwah!”

  “No, monsieur. The machines were long gone. You literally ate Quiche Lorraine, just made differently than anywhere else in the world. I hope to receive your blessing for this technology in your next restaurant review.”

  Geroux snatched a knife and stood up, furious. �
�You said nothing of this. You’ve poisoned me!

  Geroux experienced a dizzy spell and shook his head. The plates were gone. Then he realized they sat at the other end of the table. “What happened?”

  “You were about to become violent, monsieur. I had to stop you. Monsieur Geroux, I can not only make food, I can make living things like a perfectly healthy chicken for instance.”

  “What does a chicken have to do with you poisoning me?”

  “When you become difficult to persuade, my nanos disassembled you, and remade you again.” Patterson gestured at three piles of silvery dust on three chairs. “You’ve been difficult to persuade.”

  Geroux looked panicked. “I died?”

  “Only temporarily. Within minutes the nanos remade you, complete with memories. You are well, no?”

  Geroux patted himself, eyes wide. “Incredible!”

  “As you can see this technology is safe, and the food is amazing. So, what do you think?”

  Geroux looked furtively at the dust piles and nodded. “Very well. You will receive a positive review.”

  As Geroux drove away, Marie asked Patterson, “Will he keep his promise?”

  Patterson shrugged. “If not, we will have to persuade him further!”

  Advancement

  “Be honest, Quan. You desire to replace me one day!” raged Minister Kiang.

  “Not true, Minister!” squeaked Quan.

  “I could squash you like a bug! I will DIE before you replace me.” He gestured dismissively. “Now, the highway must continue. Yet, not all the necessary land is procured.”

  “Yes, Minister,” stammered Quan. “One piece remains. It is a beautiful garden”

  “Have it razed.”

  “The owner will not vacate, honored minister.”

  “Have him jailed for insurrection,” growled Kiang.

  “But he is very old, sir!”