Awakening
Page 163
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Its cold. So very cold. Ice runs through my veins, and frost is my blood. From somewhere far away, I can sense warmth. Darkness surrounds me, warming me with its suffocating presence. I am trapped in a conflict, as the my frozen soul wages war against the enclosing heat. Why can't I ever find peace? Why is there always violence in my dreams?
“There is violence in your dreams because there is violence in your heart, Barsch La Tergan.”
A quickly as it came, the voice is gone. Why does the voice seem so familiar?
“I am familiar to you, Barsch La Tergan, and it saddens me greatly that you have forgotten me. I will have to teach you... and make you remember my name!” As the voice screams, everything is blown away. The biting cold. The suffocating heat. Even the pain, the pain which I had thought had been etched into my soul.
The voice screamed, and brought the calm. The scene has changed now, with the darkness blown away. I am standing in an empty field, utterly devoid of life. It stretches to the horizon, a vast emptiness that births no laughter nor love. In this place, in this emptiness... silence reigns.
“This place is empty. Is that what you were thinking?”
I was wrong.
This place is not empty. I can feel it now, a turbulence beneath my feet, like a great raging beast trapped in the earth. Even though it feels as though this place should have long since shaken apart, not a single blade of black grass moves. Not even the wind is allowed here, but whatever is thrashing around underneath me seems determined to destroy the peace.
“This is your heart, Barsch La Tergan. On the surface, it is calm and placid but, lurking beneath is a great beast. I am that beast, Barsch La Tergan.”
No. There's no way that something like that exists within me. The voice is wrong. Everything is wrong!
“Why do you deny it so vehemently? I have been with you since you took your first breath... the day that your mother took her last. She knew me, even then. In her last moments, she looked into your eyes and saw what she had brought into the world. I think that she was happy to let death take her, so that she wouldn't have to exist in a world in which you lived.”
Do not speak about my MOTHER! She died so that I could live, so don't you dare speak badly about HER!
The peace in the field trembles, as the struggling beast's rampage grows more violent. Without thinking, I summon my blade, ready to kill it should it break free.
“See! I knew you hadn't forgotten your true nature! Look at what springs to mind when you think of hurting me! I have been with you since you took your first breath... and I will be with you until you take your last. Did you know? I was nameless at first, a vague feeling that you would sometimes have, whenever things looked bad. Do you remember your seventh birthday? One of the other kids tried to take your prized present, so you hit him until he stopped moving. Do you remember the thrill of it? Do you remember giving into your RAGE!”
You're wrong! That... that was a misunderstanding... I asked him... I begged him to run away... but he didn't listen...
“Tell me, is this before or after you pinned him to the floor and reduced his fat face to a bloody mess? A seven year old, taking on someone twice his size and double his age... and you didn't suffer a single injury. Do you remember the look on his face? The fear in his eyes as he pleaded for mercy? Barsch La Tergan, you are a monster...no, we are a monster.”
In the field, the voice continues to grow stronger, as the land begins to buckle. Cracks spread out from beneath my feet, growing larger and larger with every word of accusation. The voice... the beast, finally comes into view. It had been right. I had met it before... many, many times before.
It stood there, at the edge of the field, it's black mane seeming to swallow the light around it. The wolf with blue eyes. The beast that rages beneath my peace. The vile thing that I detest. The vile thing that I love.
“You remember me now, don't you? You gave me this form. You gave me my name. You and I are one. Now, call out to me! Call my name!”
I can no longer deny it. I can no longer ignore its words. I was foolish to even try. The peaceful field is gone, replaced by a swirling vortex of chaos and blood-lust.
Together, we howl. Together, we scream, “I AM LANISTA, AND I AM VIOLENCE!”