Awakening

by Hayden Pearton

  *

  I AM NOT ALONE.

  The glade beckons, welcoming me into its grass-covered expanse. The sky is black, not a single shining star to illuminate the endless void above. In the middle of the glade, a sinuous brook divides it in two equal parts.

  On one side, a blanket of white grass, on the other, a field of black spikes. I can feel a pull from both sides, as they whisper promises of power and prestige, the kind that most would kill for.

  The ivory covered grass is staid, devoid of emotion and change. An aura of cleanliness hangs over it, like the sterilized hospital room where my mother left this world. The ebony covered grass is chaos, full of passion and conflict. Anger, fear, lust, and joy swirl visibly in the air, in a maelstrom of competing emotions.

  The choice is clear: calm, unchanging eternity or vibrant, fleeting chaos. From within the shadows of the leaved trees, two champions emerge. The champion of chaos and passion, the crimson eyed Alza. The champion of peace and apathy, the golden eyed Alza.

  Both take up stances in the centre of their halves, waiting for my decision. To pick one and anger the other. Or choose the middle path and distance myself from both. There is more than one choice here, if I step back and look carefully, I may be able to see many more.

  “It does not matter which you choose, for in the end, you will belong to me.”

  The voice materializes as a blood-chilling howl, yet somehow I can understand its meaning. Lanista, my sin, and my power. The wolf-blade falls from the starless sky, striking the exact centre of the glade with its void-black blade. The Alzas stare at it with a perfectly synchronized look of hatred. Even though they are complete opposites, their mutual loathing of the blade momentarily connects them. For an instant, a thought flies through my head.

  I AM ALONE.

  The thought is my own. The blade has sensed my indecision, it knows that I am afraid. The Alzas have yet to say a word. Until I choose one of them, they are equally powerless to help me face the Beast. However, the moment I choose one, the other will be free to move. In that moment of choosing, I will be completely exposed; I will be vulnerable to anything the unpicked Alza might throw at me.

  I cannot delay my choice much longer, for the longer I wait, the more powerful the Beast becomes. It feeds on my fear, my indecision, and soon it will be strong enough to devour me.

  “There is only one choice, embrace me, and revel in the violence!”

  The Beast's words are like a siren song, luring me closer to where it lies. I cannot resist it. I cannot fight it. Alza. Kingston. Maloch. Mother. Father. Yumiere. Rigel. Unknown Woman. Forgive me for what I am about to become. I cannot defeat it by myself. I am alone, unprotected and unloved.

  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

  They are hear, standing beside me. The one and only Alza, the kindly Kingston, the loyal Maloch, my faceless mother, my strong father... all of them are here to help me. Yumiere steps forward. She is radiant, even in this glade bereft of stars.

  “You didn't forget about us, so we'll never forget about you. We're all here for you, until the end.” Tears flow from my eyes, but I do not wipe them away. I know now. I have remembered.

  This is a dream, and I AM NOT ALONE.

  Kingston, Maloch and Alza are somewhere out there, battling their own demons, and I cannot let them down by losing here. This is a dream, and I am in control.

  “You truly think that you are in control? You foolish, incompetent boy. You have never been in control. Do not forget, I am you, and you are me. I am the violence that lives in the darkest part of your heart, and you will never be rid of me. What is one friend, or even a dozen? Come, face me, and I will show you the difference between us!”

  The blade is changing, it's black barbs replaced by snow-white teeth; it's etched blue lines becoming a set of cold, sapphire eyes; it's light-killing surface transforming into a night-black coat. The Beast is still there, just in a different form.

  It's howl pierces the heavens, it's echo rattling the dream on its return. Fear clouds my heart, but I do not reject it. It is an emotion that gives me the strength to face anything. I cannot reject my emotions, but nor can I let them consume me. And that is my choice.

  Instead of choosing one or the other, or choosing neither, I choose both. Monster Alza will become my chaos, and the force that will drive me to fight my fears. Perfect Alza will become my reason, allowing me to calmly analyse any situation and find the best way to deal with it. And the best way to deal with this situation in particular, is with a show of force.

  The Beast feeds on my fear, so it will shy away from my courage and conviction. Rigel and the Unknown Woman step forward, Lanista held between them. It is my blade, my burden, and it is the only weapon against the violence in my heart.

  With a wordless command, the midnight-black blade roars to life, it's blood-lust a perfect mirror of my own. The Beast answers my call with one of its own, as it moves to engage me. This is my dream, my reality, and it is not welcome here!

  As my friends cheer me on, we clash, again and again, sharpened metal and razor-like claws finding their match in one another. I am not afraid. I will not lose. This is my dream after all. The Beast is weakening, I can sense it.

  “My violence, my Beast, Lanista, whatever you call yourself... I want to tell you something... I am not alone... not any-more... but you, you will always be alone... and I will always defeat you!”

  My words are drowned out by Lanista's roar, as it's blue-lighted blade cuts deep into wolf-flesh. The Beast howls in pain, realizing that it has been mortally wounded. It tries to limp away, but it knows, as well as I do, that there is nowhere it can run that I cannot follow.

  “You think this is over? You think you have won? Your victory today was because of them, not you. I will always be here, waiting for you to falter, but them? Someday, someday soon, they will be gone, and you will be truly alone. And then, when there is no one left to protect you... you will be mine!”

  The wounded Beast disappears in a flash of light. Everyone else has already left, leaving me alone. The glade has returned to normal, and the sky is filled with light once more. For now, I am alone. But, as long as I remain in their hearts, I will never be truly alone. The dream is drawing to a close, I can feel it. And instead of weariness, I feel strength. Instead of sadness, I feel joy.

  The heavy weight that has been on my heart since we entered these caves has been lifted, and it feels good. I stand here, in this empty glade, and, although my friends are no longer at my side, I AM NOT ALONE.