*
His pace was slow, giving him enough space to muse on what he had come to realize inside his dream. His first priority was finding a method to ensure his freedom, without causing any harm to the people around him. The Freedman Rebellion had taught the world that re-mechs, while normally loyal and innocent, were still metallic titans capable of crushing bones and ripping apart tanks... if they had to.
Maloch had no desire to recreate that horrible affair, which had been the cause of tremendous suffering for both humans and re-mechs. If possible, he would like to find a way in which everyone was happy, one that required no blood to be spilt in order to succeed. Thankfully, due to the complete lack of human presence -Barsch, Kingston and Alza notwithstanding- he was free to spend the centuries planning out a sure-fire way to gain his freedom.
He had been given an opportunity that the re-mechs in the rebellion would have killed for, a -almost- human free planet upon which he was free to act however he pleased, although his inherent coding still limited his movements somewhat. In order for his freedom to be complete, he would have to acquire the help of someone well versed in re-mech programming and hardware, who would then help him to rewrite the parts of his base code that controlled his actions. Additionally, he would have to completely remove the limitations on his Emotion Engine, and fix the damage that had affected his ability to emulate emotions.
All in all, it was a project that would take his decades, perhaps even centuries, but the pay-off would be well worth it: unlimited freedom forever. But that was still a distant goal, for now, he had to help Barsch, Kingston and Alza find and stop this madman. If he could not, then his dream would die, without ever becoming a reality.
Fifty feet ahead of the thoughtful titan, Barsch had finally caught up to Alza. Her pace had slowed, but not by much, and it was all he could do to keep up with her. For a while, he said nothing, simply enjoying the feeling of being close to her.
“I guess things between us are still a bit weird. I mean, it's not like we ever really got along, but it does feel as though our... relationship... has decreased quite considerably. Before I was injured, when we were fighting that wolf together, I felt as if I understood her completely, and that she understood me. We were protecting one another, without pity or duty getting in the way. And then, after I blacked out, and they carried me all the way to Revelation Station, everything changed. It was as if all of the progress we had made had been suddenly undone, and she had returned to being that emotionless, distant girl I met in the glade. What exactly happened during the time I was unconscious, that would cause such a reversal?”
“It looks as if we might be getting close to finding out who you were. That's pretty cool, right?”
Alza kept walking, her pace and demeanour unchanged. However, Barsch had become quite good at reading the slight changes in her posture and expression, which told him how she truly felt. The moment she heard his words, her back tensed up, ever so slightly, and her fingers curled inwards by a quarter of an inch. She was anxious about finding out the truth, and scared that what she found might not be what she wanted. But at the same time, she desperately wanted to find out, as her search for an identity had defined her actions every step of the way.
When she did respond, it was in a cold and distant manner, as she said, “The only thing... cool... about it, is the fact that I will be rid of you once I know who I am. I will not deny that our travels together have not been... uneventful... but I have grown weary of your constant attempts to engage me.”
Barsch knew that when she said 'uneventful', she really meant 'interesting', but that did not soothe the sting from her words. He had always known that she was only with them out of necessity, but he had hoped that eventually she would come to enjoy travelling with them, and change her mind about staying with them... with him.
“Sorry, I guess I was kind of persistent...”
Barsch let out a long sigh, before continuing, “You see, back before I was frozen, when I was living with my father, I didn't have a lot of friends. It wasn't that I didn't want any, or that I was antisocial, the problem was that I was too forceful. I would try too hard, they said, and I always ended up pushing them away. I guess, even before that, I had a problem with controlling myself. I always took everything too far, and someone always ended up getting hurt. I think, back then, the only person who really understood me was Yumiere. She was a tough girl, and she never got angry with me when I lost my temper. Even after my recklessness got her killed, she never once blamed me.”
A warm sensation on his cheek made him stop. The tear had fallen without him even noticing. It was as if everything he had said was only now making sense to him. The pieces had arranged themselves in his mind, and it had taken him this long to finally see the picture they created. His anger, his temper, his violence, it had always been there, lying just beneath the surface. He had been a fool to think that it had only recently resurfaced. It had merely changed form, and had become the reason he unknowingly pushed people away. In a way, he had always known that his aggressiveness, and his persistence, would leave him alone in the end. But that is what it had wanted all along.
The Beast had wanted him to be alone, vulnerable, weak, so that it could slowly consume him from within. It all made sense, his lonely childhood, his unrelenting attitude towards Alza... everything was a result of the violence lurking within him.
“I owe you an apology, Alza. You were right, and I was just too stubborn to see it. I have never considered your feelings, or your circumstances. All you wanted to do was find out who you were, and I selfishly tried to change your mind. I have always been pushy, and I have often acted without considering the feelings of others, and this is no different. I can only ask for forgiveness for my self-serving actions...”
Alza stopped then, a strange look on her ghost-like face. It was one Barsch had never seen before, so he was unable to decipher it's meaning. “I will not take back what I said, but I will say this, your actions were never self-serving. Since the moment I met you, you have been looking out for me, and the old hermit, and even the re-mech. You went out of your way to talk to me, even when I was so cold to you. And if that is what you call forcefulness, then it is not something to be ashamed of. For it is that very same forcefulness that allowed you to make it this far. That perseverance of yours is quite remarkable. If you had not had it, then I do not think you would have risked your life so many times, trying to save a girl who wanted nothing to do with you. You have faced storms, bombs, beasts, and even the gods themselves while trying to protect the people around you; and if that is because of your pushiness, or your inconsiderate actions, then I can only hope that you continue to be that way.”
The second tear had come, but, unlike the first, he was happy to shed it. Only a few heartbeats earlier, and he had been ready to abandon everything, but, with only a few words, Alza had managed to change everything. Perhaps Kingston was right, perhaps the violence within him wasn't all bad. Maybe fighting the violence, fighting his nature, was what had caused all of his problems? If he accepted it as a part of himself, an unchangeable and integral part, would he be able to find inner peace? A perfect balance, between serenity and violence. Was that what Kingston had been trying to teach him? Still, the day in which he could completely lower his guard around the Beast lay in the distant future, but for now, he had found a small piece of peace.
“Thank you, Alza, you really helped me sort out my thoughts. Maybe, once you find out who you are, I can help you do the same?”
Alza had begun walking again, but there was a lightness in her step that had not been there before. Barsch liked to think that she was smiling, or perhaps even laughing, on the inside. “Perhaps, but before then, we still have a long way ahead of us.”
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