Just Let Go

by Alessandra Thomas

  “No!” Ethan said, genuine surprise in his voice. “I swear, I genuinely brought you here so I could evangelize about the bacon mac and cheese.”

  I relaxed a little. There were far worse motivations than marginally fancy macaroni and cheese.

  “It used to be a dump,” Ethan continued, loudly enough for Hawk to hear as he set something down on the table beside us. “Now it’s one of the trendiest places in Philly. They just opened up another location on the other side of town.”

  "That’s thanks to the missus,” Hawk said. “I’ll send her out to take your order," he said as he ducked back into the kitchen. He was intercepted by a blond-headed whirlwind of a woman two heads shorter than he was, who smacked him on his tattooed arm as she passed out the doorway he was entering.

  "William Hawkins, how many times have I told you, if I hear you call me that one more time…" a woman with bouncy blond curls said as she walked out of the kitchen.

  He held up both hands, palms out. "Okay, okay. I just really like the idea of it. You. My missus."

  Joey just stood there with hands on hips, trying to keep her smile reined in. "Okay, but you're going to pay."

  "Gladly," Hawk said, taking the towel he had slung over his shoulder and smacking her ass with it.

  Ugh. Love.

  It wasn't that I didn't want to love someone and it wasn't that I hadn't ever had feelings for a guy beyond wanting to sleep with him. It was just that the way of the world seemed to be this - boy meets girl, girl and boy fall in love, boy locks girl into a bond of inescapable marriage hell. Or was it supposed to be bliss?

  Why in the world would I tie my future to some guy just because of a feeling I had for him? There were things I wanted to do, places I wanted to see, stupid decisions I wanted to be free to make. I knew how Mamá and Papá always consulted each other on every little decision. I saw how my brothers sacrificed things for their spouses, made decisions with their help they never would have made otherwise. Love was great, but chasing the thrill of base jumping or hang gliding or deep water snorkeling or even just driving a car really, really fast? That was something otherworldly. That stuff made me feel invincible. Larger than life. I couldn't get enough.

  If things got more serious between Ethan and me, how could I ever tell him that chasing a thrill was just as important to me, just as vital to my well-being, as staying in one place and loving him?

  Luckily, I didn’t have to ponder that too long. Ethan and I spent a few minutes chatting, then a live band started, and we let the music fill the air between us.

  "So, you helped him figure his shit out?" I asked, gesturing around the restaurant, which was filling up at an impressive rate for a Monday night.

  Ethan coughed in response. "Me? No. No, absolutely not. I was only a senior in college. He and Joey were in their second year of business, and maybe I asked him one or two questions he hadn't thought to ask himself, just because they were on my checklist. But no, these two have been a pretty dynamic team since they started this whole operation, as long as they could quit arguing long enough to talk something out.”

  I smiled a little at that. Mamá and Papá had fights sometimes, I remembered, but it was only because they were both so passionate about something that they had to stand up for what they thought was right, whether it was the hours the gym was open or which equipment most needed updating or how they were going to stretch our budget to pay for college for all six of us.

  "That's kind of cute," I mused, stopping to smile at Joey as she brought us glasses of water.

  "Hi, Ethan,” she chirped, her blond curls bouncing as she fumbled for something in her pocket. Eventually she came up with a thin stack of post-it notes, smiling at me. “Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself before. I'm not supposed to be doing anything with the restaurant tonight. It's supposed to be my night off, but... anyway. Who's this?" She shot me a brilliant, genuine smile.

  "This is Natalia. She's the owner of The Knockout Gym, and my firm is handling a small insurance update for them," Ethan replied. The way he said it made me sound like I was mature, organized, responsible, and driven in running my business. It made me sound like a grownup. Settled, with a strong head on my shoulders. No, I was none of those things.

  "It's a total mess right now," I rushed to explain.

  "You're talking about that old boxing gym a couple blocks east? Wasn't there a self-defense class there, free for the college girls? I remember Hawk wanting Olivia to go to something like that..."

  Not that I knew of. "Well, I actually just took it over. Family issues." Joey's mouth turned down into a frown, and I rushed to fill the awkwardness. "It's fine, I'm just trying to get my bearings now that I’m officially running the place.”

  "Well, good luck. Ethan, you going to order? Or you want me to pick for you?"

  "You have the bacon mac?"

  "Yep. And potato broccoli soup, wonton soup, sweet potato spring rolls, classic meatloaf, and tortilla soup with a chicken grilled cheese."

  "Tortilla soup, please," I blurted, only realizing that I was chilly with the deep shiver that ran through my body.

  "Okay. Well, you two kids get to work," Joey said, disappearing into the background. My gaze turned to Ethan. He was studying me like I was a fascinating puzzle he needed a strategy for before he started to assemble it.

  "So, what are you really doing with the gym?" he asked. Wow. Okay. He was serious about this ‘business meeting’ thing. "I can’t get a read on you. I thought that night we spent together was going to be the last time I saw you. So when you showed up at the door yesterday, I was shocked, or something, at seeing you again. You’d told me you were going to leave."

  "I don't want to be here," I blurted. My hand clapped over my mouth, and my heart sped up. "I did not mean to say that," I said, my voice muffled.

  Ethan reached across the table and, gingerly, pulled my fingers away from my mouth.

  "What were you doing all that time you were gone?" he asked. Maybe he was trying a new tactic. "Besides your crazy bull-running and getting gored and whatnot."

  I smiled, my heart warming. "I didn’t get gored," I reminded him.

  Ethan's eyes went wide and he turned green just at the sound of the word. I tried to hold back a laugh.

  "’Gored’ is a stupid word for it, anyway. It makes me think of, like, intestines hanging out. It just means that the bull's horn gets your body in some way. Didn't happen to me. It was actually a little boring." Now Ethan looked sick. I grinned. “Anyway, I was in LA trying to get into movies, I guess."

  "I didn't know you were an actress."

  "I'm not. But my body is."

  "Um..."

  "I want to be a stunt double. You know. Drive cars fast. Motorcycles, too. Jump out windows, get blown up, leap off buildings, all that. I was here on a break from shooting and, well. Then Papá broke the news. I went straight from jumping off five-story buildings to combing through spreadsheets. So, you know, that might help you understand how I feel about being just locked down here.?”

  Chapter 12

  Ethan

  "I’m sorry, before you came here, you had been in the middle of doing what?" I could barely get the words out. I wasn't Natalia's boyfriend or anything. Still, I liked her. A lot. And thinking of anyone, let alone a girl I liked on more than one level, putting their body in that much danger in that short of a time frame made my heart stop.

  Not to mention that my mother had died in a horrific car accident. The idea of anyone else I cared about dying the same way, except this time on purpose, was too much to bear.

  I was an actuary. I had practically memorized the cost of the risk of doing each one of the things Natalia mentioned, and offhandedly at that. As if stunt driving and bungee jumping were as normal as going to the grocery store. It was like Natalia was trying to become the most expensive person to any insurance company ever.

  "I was working as a professional stunt double," she said, more slowly. Like maybe she had suddenly started to speak a
foreign language I didn't quite understand. "I was free to do what I wanted, you know? My mom and dad always ran the gym. It was, like, their thing. My brothers all have real jobs. Or, real enough anyway. I never thought anything would happen to Mamá..."

  She trailed off there, and I watched as she paused to pull in a breath, swallow down something - tears or emotions, or both.

  "Yeah. I know. We never do."

  She pressed her lips together and nodded. "But," she continued, "I guess in the back of my mind I assumed that one of my brothers, or a couple of them, would deal with The Knockout if it came to that. Turns out that Papá can't run it like he used to, and they all assumed I'd be the one. Because of my business degree."

  My brain literally ached, in the front corner. "I’m still trying to process that you have a business degree, from where? Penn?, And you were jumping through windows instead."

  She snorted, wiping under her nose and setting her glass back down after she'd tried, and failed to take a drink. "From Temple. Please. I’m the sixth child in my family. And I’m smart, but not full-scholarship-to-an-Ivy-smart."

  "Okay, but that's damn good still," I said.

  "Good for someone, maybe. I'm not made to sit in a cubicle. Or to wear heels. Or to be a yes-woman."

  My brain may have had trouble wrapping around the idea of anyone abandoning a steady promising business career to fling herself off buildings and recklessly ride motorcycles for a career, but as I watched Natalia, I knew she was speaking the absolute, immutable truth. She was right. Managing a business - not even a higher risk, rough and tumble one like a boxing gym - wouldn't give her the crazy adventure she craved. Even though I could barely bring myself to think of Natalia, with this body that I'd worshiped so many times and never quite been able to forget, hurtling down a road in some vehicle and putting herself at risk of -

  Well, of exactly what had happened to my mom.

  I'd made the mistake of looking at the police photos from her accident. I’d decided to make her funeral closed-casket after I'd seen them, and I hadn't ever seen her face again. I hadn't wanted to. There’d been too much blood pooling on the street and smeared on the windows.

  "Okay," I said, eyeing the mac and cheese that Joey set before me in a steaming crock. I had suddenly lost my appetite. "So, um," I choked out. "What are your goals for The Knockout, then? Your brothers sounded pretty confident you were just going to... manage it. Forever."

  "Yeah, they did," she said. She bit her lip and looked up at me through her lashes. Damn, but I loved when she did that. "I haven't exactly told them that yet. The truth is, I was kind of stuck in the whole stunt career thing."

  GOOD.

  "I wanted to get un-stuck. But I would need to take lots of classes on technique, travel to some locations on my own and piece together some training to really become marketable for the things I want to do. I didn't have the money and I was barely making ends meet waitressing. My brothers offered me 50% of the gym and... I don't know. I guess I figured eventually I could turn enough of a profit to hire someone else and take the remainder and make a life for myself out there. Doing stunt work. "

  "And so that's what you want me to help you do?"

  "As soon as you came to see me, and started asking all those questions about our future plans," Natalia said, leaning over her tortilla soup, "I knew I was in over my head. But you're so smart. You sounded like you knew so much about this, and my brothers know nothing. They just want to think they do. I hope you don't mind that I put you on retainer. Just... when you're around, I feel like I can handle it. And I want to handle it. I really, really want to handle it, like my mom did." After she said that, her eyes grew wistful, and she focused on the pockmarked tabletop for a few seconds. Then she took a long breath in, and continued with a steely look in her eye. "This could be a way for me to prove myself to my brothers, pull The Knockout together for my family, and make enough money to live the life I really want. You know? And I just... I'm clueless. Or at least I felt that way, until you rolled along. So..."

  "Thank you," I said, puffing out my chest, loving the roll of her eyes when I did. Loving that she laughed at me when I was cocky, both finding me amusing and putting me in my place. I loved my job. I really did. But the truth was that I didn’t feel like anyone in the world really needed me. Not at the insurance agency, not on the Bro Show with Mark, not in one of the handful of bars and restaurants I frequented. My entire life was lived as something auxiliary to everyone else. I was a friend, someone a girl dated, but never settled down with, an employee – but never someone’s everything. Ever since Mom died, I had been simply an accessory in everyone's life. I wasn't necessary to anyone. So, for Natalia to say that she needed me to feel like she had a handle on her business, it was the best thing I'd heard in a really, really long time.

  Because, yeah. Sex with her had been good. Really, really good. That was why I'd acquiesced to a fling with her in the first place. But I hated flings. I hated short term. Short term was the opposite of a sure thing. Not to mention that it just made me an accessory in one more way.

  Slowly, watching Natalia eat and make commentary on her food - how Joey and Hawk’s was good, but her brother's boyfriend Daniel could add just the right combination of spices to make it truly addictive, trust her - a sort of peace settled in me. She fascinated me. She was smart as a whip. I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of being with her.

  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about the possibility that Natalia would be staying in Philly now. These past three days had been crazy, and I knew Natalia had to be swimming in a quagmire of complicated emotions, but I'd loved - LOVED - reconnecting with her. Not only in the obvious way, but on a more personal level, too. She gave me an energy that I honestly couldn't describe and had never gotten anywhere else.

  "So, you really are planning to build the business and then hand over the reins?"

  "Yep." Natalia let the "p" pop as she said it, then stuck a forkful of the turtle cheesecake Joey had slid onto the table at some point in her mouth, pulling it out slowly and then licking her lips with that clever tongue of hers. Jesus. She made it hard to stay focused. She had to know it.

  "So that you can go bungee jumping and shit."

  She raised a shoulder and looked right into my eyes. "I don't have to explain myself."

  "Of course not," I jumped in, wishing like hell she just... would. I seriously wanted to know what would possess someone to risk her life as a job. Over and over again. Especially not when so many people cared about her.

  "But I like you. Like... I like this. Talking to you. Spending time with you." She turned her head a bit and shook her head once, like she had just surprised herself. "So, I will. Explain myself. It's just... the adrenaline rush. It makes me feel powerful. Invincible. And, this is going to sound crazy, but I feel, like... secure. In the world. Like nothing can shake me." She shrugged again. "I don't know. Maybe that sounds stupid."

  "Wanting to feel that way? After what both of us have been through?" Her eyes caught mine, and they were shining with the beginnings of tears. "Absolutely not crazy. I could even see how it could make sense. Wanting to feel alive. Wanting to feel like we have control over our lives.” Her eyebrows shot up. Maybe she was surprised that I understood her, even a little. Understanding, though, didn’t equal agreement. “I think my reaction to those experiences explains my outlook, too. I like to be safe. To know what's coming, and to plan for it."

  "Obviously," Natalia laughed, sweeping her hand in the air in some vague gesture to indicate... me.

  "What I’m saying is... I don't know. If your dad is entrusting the whole business to you - like, not just in name, but in actuality - do you really want to put that at risk by trying to kill yourself every day?"

  "First," Natalia said, shoving her fork back into the cheesecake, "It's not as dangerous as it sounds. Otherwise you would be reading all the time about how this stunt guy got decapitated or that stunt girl had her face pulled off."

  M
y stomach turned. I reached for my phone. "I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of - "

  "No phone at the table," Natalia said as she dropped her fork and reached out, swatting my hand away from my iPhone. It was strange, but I hadn't actually touched the thing the entire dinner until now. I'd been enjoying talking to her too much, and only felt like I needed it when I wanted to prove her wrong on something.

  "I didn’t know that was a rule of yours," I said. When I thought back on it, every meal Natalia and I had shared months ago was either in bed or in pajamas at my kitchen table while we were half dressed. If you had asked me where my phone was at pretty much any of those times, I wouldn't have known. Or cared. Natalia had a way of making me forget my current reality.

  "It's not mine," she said. "It's my mother's. Well," she said, stopping with the fork almost at her mouth, "I guess it's mine now."

  Natalia’s brow furrowed, and it made my heart pinch. I’d been to dozens of support group sessions for people who’d lost their parents. I’d learned to identify when I’d taken on a behavior of my mom’s in her memory. It was why I always kept peppermint tea – her favorite – in the house, and why I went ice skating once every winter. Likely, Natalia had a handful of such behaviors that she hadn’t even acknowledged to herself yet. "That's my point," I said. "She's not here anymore. Your dad can't really handle things. Your brothers are here because they trust you to do what you need to do."

  "And that's what I've been telling you, Ethan." The way she said my name had a bite to it. One that made the skin on my shoulders crawl just a tiny bit. I didn't like it. "That's what I'm going to do."

  "Well, if you're going to run around trying to kill yourself," I said, only slightly amused by her glare, "You at least need to have life insurance. And really, really good accident and liability insurance. You need to protect your family in the event that you... you know... kill yourself."

  "Do you have any idea life insurance for me would cost? With all the crazy things I do in a year? Hell, in a month?"