by Jamie Knight
I was just about to do something really drastic, even more drastic than having my first drink in two years when Lucky hopped up onto the couch. He nudged my hand with his little paw, insisting that I pet him. I smiled and stroked his furry head as he crawled up onto my lap, curled up into a contented little ball, and went to sleep. At least someone still liked me. Maybe I wasn’t irredeemable after all. I understood if Lila didn’t want to be with me. Though I was determined to be part of Billy’s life. I just had to find a way to try and make things up to Lila first.
Chapter Eight - Lila
I had heard about the trials and tribulations that insomniacs had to suffer, especially chronic cases. Though there was little I wouldn’t have given to be among their number. The dreams really were that bad. It didn’t help that I had also cried myself to sleep.
I really didn’t think Billy understood what had happened. By the way he responded to Carl, my son probably just thought his dad was another picture. He might as well have been for all he had been around.
Billy had done it again, of course, when I put him down in his crib. What made it worse was that he seemed to know what he was doing, saying goodnight to his daddy. The daddy who had disappeared before he was born and had seen him for the first time that night, before running away. I hadn’t actually seen Jinx run but assumed he had. I was so confused.
I didn’t want Billy to see me cry. There was really no way to explain it to him. No way I could think of anyway. Making sure he was safe in his crib, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. Whimpering softly into my pillow, the movie of my life with Carl unspooling in my head, like a pre-death highlight reel. Most of it was really nice.
Even the high school years weren’t that bad. Despite both of us being misfits. Carl would get shit about his clothes and music but always had a witty come back and well-thought-out argument, usually ending up with more friends than enemies. I was always his best friend though. The girl he used to share his sandbox with. It gave me special privileges, and no one could mess with me without incurring Carl’s infamous verbal fury, reducing more than one mean girl to tears during our high school career.
Then we graduated and went to college. Things were pretty good. We both got into the same school up north and watched each other’s backs at parties and during mid-terms. It was really lovely having a built-in friend. Especially one I already knew so well.
It was about that time we started sleeping together. We hadn’t really planned it. Though the chemistry was undeniable. A magnetic force that pulled us into a tender, passionate kiss that just kept going from there. We tried to figure out in later years who had kissed who first but just couldn’t figure it out. It had all been entirely mutual as far as we could tell.
It was my first time, which seemed to surprise him. He was enormous but also really gentle, and it had only hurt a little bit at first. Then it started to feel really good. Then we did it more. I don’t think we ever officially declared our love, even to each other, or said, “we’re a couple.” It was just so obvious such statements just seemed redundant. We had always loved each other.
Then things got bad. I put it at around the time he started working for his dad when we came back to Vegas. Jinx started changing. Getting more oily, meaner. We didn’t have sex anymore. He spent most of his time when he wasn’t working at the casino drinking and gambling. I missed sex. Though more than that, I missed him and how we used to be. It was like I could feel him slipping away, and there was nothing I could do about it.
The problem was I loved Carl. Even with how much he hurt me. I still loved him, even after he ran away. He never did handle high-pressure situations well, and I did sort of dump it on him. Though I really couldn’t think of any other way to tell him that we had a baby. It shouldn’t have surprised him really. Considering how much he had fucked me before things went off the rails. Rarely did we use protection. I wasn’t on the pill, and neither of us liked condoms. I was already well on the way before he disappeared without a word. I guess he had missed it somehow.
I woke up to Billy crying. I looked out the window. The sun was up, which was a good sign. He had taken to given wake-up calls before the sun was fully up which tended to wake up everyone in the house. Not just me. Irene was fine with it. Apparently, she had always been a heavy sleeper.
My son was hungry, of course. He was always hungry in the morning. He was off the boob by then, so it was far more of a production to get food down him. Involving a high chair and bib and all manner of pre-soften food. Which he sometimes only ate with some coaxing, despite his claims to near starvation. He was really easily distracted.
Getting Billy into clean clothes, the feeding session messier than usual, I left him with Irene and carpooled with Aria down to the Desert Protect’s offices. I thought it would be a bit hypocritical for us both to have our own car when we worked for an environmental NGO. Aria agreed, at least to the point of being willing to drive me most places, at least for work purposes. Anything else, and it was something of a toss-up. Good thing bus passes were relatively cheap. Non-profit didn’t mean no income, but there wasn’t a whole lot of that either in those lean days. Not that it mattered. I was mostly doing it for the cause.
Aria parked in her usual spot, and we strode like gangbusters into the office. Few people emboldened me as much as Aria. We had met through friends when I was trying to get away from Jinx’s dad, and we’d been friends ever since.
Aria went back to start her important job as I sat behind the front desk, preparing for another thrilling day of answering phones and fielding appointments and questions. Some of which really could come right out of the clear blue sky.
It was nearing nine when Jinx strolled in, probably on a coffee break from his fancy advertising job. I tried to dismiss it, but the truth was I was really impressed. He had really pulled himself together from where he was the last time I saw him.
I had already stood, trying to get out before Gabe, my boss, could see what was going on. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my boss. He was very likable. The problem was that he liked me a bit too much in a way I wasn’t really able to reciprocate. I had no idea how he would act seeing me around a man.
I froze, my mind immediately going to war with itself. Most of it yelling at me to tell Jinx to fuck off. The other, smaller part — that remembered what we once had — pleading that we should give him a chance. I compromised by staying still and giving my ex my best ‘fuck off’ glare, hoping he would get the message.
Jinx started talking, but I didn’t respond. The angrier part of me was willfully ignoring him until he literally started to yell. I knew I had to put a stop to that if I wanted to keep my job.
“All right.”
“All right, what?” Jinx asked, sounding genuinely confused.
“I’ll go to lunch with you. Though be warned, I’m still furious and could go off at any moment. The timer is ticking, bucko.”
“Understood,” he said, bowing slightly.
“Is everything okay out here?” Gabe asked, coming out of the back office.
He took a look at Jinx and backed up a bit, making a noise somewhere between a gasp and a gulp. It could have been the Misfits T-shirt with the giant, sinister-looking skull on it, though I guessed that Jinx’s rather imposing frame also had something to do with it. The boy worked out, that much was clear, and genetics had been generous in terms of height as well. I would be lying if I said the T-shirt and jeans he was wearing didn’t give me a flashback to high school.
Gabe was sweet and protective, if a little pushy, and great with Billy. Though he didn’t make my heart skip a beat like Jinx did — even though I had all but written him out of my life.
“Yes, everything is fine,” I said brightly, eyeing my ex to try to keep him quiet.
“Great, I got this for Billy,” Gabe said, holding out a little, custom made teddy bear.
“Oh, thank you!” I said, with extra mustard as I went over to accept the gi
ft.
My enthusiasm was partly for show, but it was also an adorable bear. Way nicer than anything I could ever afford.
“Would you like to go to lunch with me?”
“Sorry, I have plans,” I said, hearing the door close behind me.
I had expected it to slam, but it just re-set itself gently. Maybe Jinx really had changed.
***
I was dreading lunch. Jinx had mentioned a nearby cafe while I had still been trying to ignore him, but the name had gotten through anyway. I was ready to be mad. Part of me still really hated him for abandoning me like that, but the part that still remembered how things had been was growing in strength. There was sure to be a battle royale sometime soon.
When I saw the new teddy bear sitting next to Jinx at the table, the never again side got a boost. I could hardly believe he was being so petty.
“Seriously, dude?” I asked, sitting down, staring at the bear.
“Too much?”
“Yeah, by about a hundred percent,” I argued.
He shrugged, the fire never leaving his brown eyes. “I guess I didn’t like the idea of another guy buying my son nice things.”
My temper spiked, and I crossed my arms. “You made your thoughts clear last night. You get no say.”
“A DNA test and the courts will say different,” he said, without a trace of the smugness I expected.
“Really? We’re doing that?”
“No, we’re not. I’m really sorry about how I reacted. It’s also not an excuse, but I was just really shocked to find out I had a son. It seemed so big, you know? Our combined genetic code going into a completely separate human being. I needed some time to process.”
“I wouldn’t run away,” I lied, not knowing that at all.
“Really?” he asked pointedly.
“No,” I confessed.
“I would really like a second chance. I’ve had time to process things, and I’m ready to take responsibility. Or at least as much as you are willing to give me. I know it is more than I deserve. You raised him. You’re the boss.”
“Okay, you can see Billy, but only with me around, at least for now. I don’t think you’re going to kidnap him or anything. I think I know you better than that. I just don’t want to confuse him. Like you say, I’m all he’s had. I want to ease him into it.”
“Understood.”
“Really?” I asked, not expecting Jinx to take it so well.
“Of course.”
We made a “family date” for that weekend. Planning to take Billy to the zoo. I got up and headed back to work, but he stopped me.
“I don’t like other men giving you gifts either.”
“Gabe hasn’t given me anything. Even if he did, it’s none of your damn business. We’re over.”
Jinx moved closer, and though I started to feel weak, I didn’t back down. I was determined not to let him get to me.
“Don’t feel anything for you anymore,” I lied.
Carl called my bluff, kissing me gently. It was like a magnetic force, and I started kissing him back, unable to resist him. Getting a hold of myself, I managed to pull away, mad at both of us. Him for being so damn sexy and me for giving in to what I chalked up to nostalgia and hormones.
“Keep your hands to yourself, or you’ll only be seeing Billy through far more official channels,” I ordered before making an epic exit.
As soon as I got back to work, I ducked into the bathroom without anyone seeing me. I was suddenly thrilled that the bathrooms were single occupancy. Locking the door, I yanked down my panties, and plunged three fingers into my wet, aching pussy. I was so horny, it hurt.
No matter how much I tried to deny it, I wanted Jinx as much as ever. I still hurt from what he had done but could understand why he had done it that way. I was almost the point of being able to forgive him. He had also put so much work into changing.
As I fingered myself, I imagined Jinx’s cock, huge and hard, ready for me to fuck. Getting on all fours in front of him, at least in my head, I imagined Carl getting on his knees behind me, stroking the warm head of his cock against my tender pussy lips, like he had the first time we were together.
Taking it slow, Carl got most of the way inside me, making me feel every inch, making me moan softly with each. Finally stopping, he took me firmly by the hips and started to gently fuck me, bringing me to a screaming, shaking, body rocking orgasm.
I bit my lip to keep from screaming in the bathroom. I dreaded to consider what Gabe might have thought. Finishing off, I pulled up my panties and smoothed down my skirt, washing my hands before going back to work.
Chapter Nine - Jinx
If I were able to do a cartwheel, I would have. I could see through Lila’s anger and knew she didn’t mean it. I didn’t know what she was actually thinking — I wasn’t psychic — but I had a strong feeling she had no intention of bringing in the authorities. She was just blowing off steam, and we would be able to work it out between ourselves.
At first, I had been shocked that I was a father and didn’t really know how to react to it. The whole thing seemed way to epic to be happening to a bad luck magnet like me. After I’d had time to process the facts of the matter, I was pleased about it. It would take some time for Billy to get used to me, as I had missed out on the first couple of years of his life, though that was all down to me. On the upside, he was still young enough that it was possible to build a relationship and have him not really remember a time when I wasn’t around.
I usually slept in on Saturdays, but there was no way that I was going to risk being late again. I was already on pretty thin ice with Lila and didn’t see any reason to start jumping up and down.
Showering was the easy part. I even managed to keep from jerking off to prevent me from taking too much time. Just wash, rinse, and get the hell out. The hiccup came when it was time to choose my wardrobe. Jeans and Chuck Taylor’s were easy enough, but I realized that most of my T-shirts were either potentially scary for the little ones or had some four-letter words I really didn’t want him repeating.
After a few minutes of searching, I finally came across a plain black Ralph Lauren Polo my dad had gotten me during my preppy phase. Cleaned and dressed, I splashed on a bit of Old Spice, which Lila had always loved and headed out to the car.
“Don’t Drag Me Down” blasted forth from the sound system as I started up. Doing a quick one-handed change, I switched over to some early Blink-182 just in case Lila was waiting for me. “Josie” was our song for several years.
I pulled into the parking lot fifteen minutes before the appointed date, making damn sure Lila wouldn’t have a reason to be aggressive from the beginning. I looked around the gate area of the zoo and didn’t see them. I was about to panic when I realized that of course they weren’t there, I was the one who was early.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard the knocking on my window, almost getting whiplash as I turned. Quickly turning off the car, I got out.
“Was that Blink-182?” Lila asked, Billy held close to her with both arms.
“Yeah,” I said, not sure if she liked it or not.
“Blink-182,” Billy parroted, making both of us laugh.
“Looks like they might have a new fan,” Lila said.
“Might want to wait a while until we let him listen to them,” I said.
“‘Josie’ is pretty safe, I think,” she argued with a wink.
“Joth-sie!” Billy said, putting up his little arms.
Lila and I both laughed. He obviously didn’t know what we were talking about, but his enthusiasm was infectious.
“Nice to see you dressed up,” Lila said playfully, looking me up and down as I locked the door to my Porsche.
“I do my best,” I said, playing along.
My outfit was actually a lot dressier than I usually got but still not what one would expect a thirty-something dad to wear on an outing with his family. However, I refused to
let society’s expectations defined me!
“We’re splitting, right?” my ex asked as we walked up to the cashier.
“Absolutely not. I wanted the date, I pay for the date, that’s the rules,” I argued, handing over my credit card.
“Since when did you follow the rules?” Lila teased.
“Logical rules always. Its the silly stuff just made up to give some people control over most that can go hang,” I said, realizing that the last bit might have been a bit too much. Though if Lila took offense, she didn’t say anything.
“Two,” I said, knowing full well that children under six were free.
“Awe, he’s cute,” the cashier said, looking at Billy. Lila and I both beamed with pride.
“Where to first?” Lila asked as we got in the gate.
“Your choice,” I answer, securing Billy into his stroller.
“Peng-ins!” Billy shouted with his usual enthusiasm.
“Well, that settles that,” Lila said with a giggle.
I could see what Billy was talking about. The penguin enclosure was fascinating. Not only because of how genuinely happy they appeared to be. Most of them were not standing still for a moment, taking turns jumping down, and zooming through the crystal blue water of the pool provided.
I had never thought much about animals in captivity. It didn’t seem very nice, but I could also see how it might be needed if the animals were orphaned or some such. It also seemed to depend on the species. The larger and faster the species, the crueler it was to keep them in an enclosure. Three-toed sloths, on the other hand, never seemed terribly bothered.
We did the rest of the zoo in a circuit, starting at the penguin tank and working our way around. We stopped a couple of times for food and the bathroom, spending a healthy amount of time at each of the enclosures. Except for the Reptile House, both Lila and Billy seemed to have the same phobia of snakes. They were actually pretty sweet, except for the occasional venomous ones, which were actually a minority of species. I thought about mentioning this but decided to let it lie.