by Emilia Rose
Isabella
I walked to Derek’s house in tears. My own mate didn’t want to mark me because he was angry at my decision to follow my dreams. Mates were never supposed to hurt each other.
But all I felt was hurt. All I felt was rejection.
A part of me thought he was being childish. This whole thing was childish. Him not accepting me as a part of the warriors because he didn’t want me to join the Lycans. Him keeping that I was his mate a secret. Him not marking me before I left for an entire year.
Fog laid heavily inside the forest, but I continued to walk, knowing these woods like the back of my hand. I had run through them so many times, yet I couldn’t get myself to run. My whole body felt too weak.
The pain—his pain, my pain, our pain—was terrorizing me. I didn’t want Roman to go behind my back and sleep with anyone else. It wasn’t like I would do it.
Though he didn’t reject me, his refusal to mark me still felt like a rejection.
Only more pain would fester inside of me. I’d go through heat within the next month if he didn’t mark me. All she-wolves who didn’t complete the marking ritual within a month of meeting their mate went through heat. From the rumors, it was pure agonizing torture and all unmated male wolf’s instincts was to put that she-wolf out of her pain.
Didn’t Roman know that? Did my acceptance into the Lycans hurt him so badly that he refused to grant me something so sacred, so essential for my peace of mind?
I banged on the door, unable to stop myself from hyperventilating. Tears began streaming from my eyes again and stain my cheeks. I hated feeling hopeless.
A few moments later, Derek’s mother answered the door in a plush pink robe, her brown hair set in wild curls. When she saw me, she furrowed her brows, pulled me inside, and yelled upstairs for Derek.
Derek walked down the stairs, wiping his tired eyes. “Ma, it’s like 3am,” he said. When his gaze landed on me, he jogged over and wrapped his arms around me. “Isabella, what’s wrong?” he asked, hand gently caressing my hair. “Why’re you crying?”
I grasped onto him, nails digging into his back, like I would lose him too. “Derek, he-he doesn’t want me. This is all my fault.”
“Who doesn’t want you?”
“Roman.”
He pulled away but kept me at arm’s length. “Roman’s your mate?” he asked. I nodded and wiped my tears with the back of my hand, hiccupping. “Why doesn’t he want you?”
My lips trembled. This would hurt him too. Why had I been so stupid? Why didn’t I just tell everyone sooner? What was wrong with me? “Because… because I have to leave him.” I clutched my stomach, trying to stop the hiccups. “I have to leave you too. I have to leave everyone.”
Derek’s mother rubbed my back, trying to calm me down. It reminded me of the way Luna Raya calmed me down after me and Roman were play-fighting when I was five and he accidentally took me down a bit too hard. It was right before he shifted for the first time. All of his energy and power and testosterone built up into one hard takedown.
I savored that moment. I would savor all those moments now that Roman and I were broken. We hadn’t been that close for a long time, since his father began pushing him to take on responsibilities as an alpha, since he started hanging around that one girl from a nearby pack when he turned thirteen, since he hurt me.
Derek furrowed his thick brows. “What do you mean?”
“I got accepted as a Lycan,” I said, flinching away and waiting for him to scold me too.
“A Lycan?” he said softly, the words lingering on his lips. After gazing between his mom and me, he grinned, lifted me into the air, and spun me around. “That’s amazing!”
My loose curls whipped around us, and I twisted my fingers into his hair. Holding onto him for a moment longer. When he placed me down, I shook my head, wiping away more tears. “No, it’s not. I leave tomorrow.”
He became quiet, realization hitting him. “For a whole year?”
My lips trembled. “I’m sorry for not telling you.”
He paused for a long moment, brushing a hand over his twists, and turned his back to me, his muscles tensed. “What if… what if you come back to visit sometimes? We can meet at the Night Raider’s Café?” He turned back to me with a hopeful smile on his face.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to. Ryker told me that the rogues are only getting stronger. They go out almost every night for a hunt. Between hunting and training, I’m not sure that I’ll have time.”
His frown deepened, and he pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay, Izzy. I still love you.”
We stayed quiet for a few moments, then I furrowed my brows together. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. “When I told Roman, he refused to mark me.”
Derek’s mom rubbed my back. “He will come around.”
But I didn’t think Roman ever would. We were both hurt, and it would only get worse. When I went through heat, I might—unintentionally—try to get with another wolf to stop the pain. It would hurt him more; it would hurt us more.
I gazed down at the ground and pulled him into the last hug that I probably would ever give him for the next year. I didn’t know when I’d have time to come back—or if I would.
After brushing a strand of hair from his face, I said, “Do me a favor and just watch after him.”
“You don’t trust him?”
My lips trembled. “I do… but I don’t trust Vanessa and he isn’t in a good place right now. Just let me know if he asks about me or acts weird or anything. Please.”
It was my only hope of hearing about him.
When I got home that night, I peeked into my parent’s room. I was so selfish for waiting this long, but I didn’t want anyone to hate me. I wanted them to be happy until I told them I was leaving.
After nudging Mom awake and after she saw the tears streaming down my cheeks, she sat up and pulled me into her arms. “Izzy, what’s wrong?”
“Please don’t hate me,” I said.
Her brows furrowed. “We’d never hate you. Where is this coming from?”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner,” I said, staring at Dad who was blinking his eyes open. I collapsed onto the bed and told them I would have to leave tomorrow morning because I was a Lycan.
And neither of them took it as badly as Roman did.
I woke up early the next morning with the sweet scent of French toast drifting through the bedroom and a dreadful ache in my heart. After tossing and turning and searching for another minute of sleep so I wouldn’t be in so much pain, I walked into my room from my parents’ and brushed a tear from my cheek.
My suitcase was lying on my bed, open and empty. I packed my clothes neatly inside, trying to fit everything that I could. And once my closet was bare, I gazed down at the windowsill where I had placed my mate’s necklace next to Luna Raya’s keychain and my favorite Moonflowers.
The necklace felt so cold between my fingers, so chilling, so fucking distant. I wanted to put it on but putting it on myself felt so wrong. Mates were supposed to put it on each other to show their love and support and pure connection between them.
But my mate didn’t want me because I chose my dreams over him.
After a few moments, I clipped it around my neck anyway. I needed to do it. Even though Roman didn’t accept me, he had given me this—which meant something, right? It was his mother’s after all. I would keep it on until… he rejected me.
My heart sunk just thinking about rejection. Though he gave me the necklace, he could still reject me. I knew that it was such a strong possibility; he had probably toyed with the idea all night.
I lugged my suitcase downstairs and set it next to the door. Sunlight flooded in through the windows, and the forest was oddly quiet for the early morning. It reminded me of the days when I was young, when Luna Raya would invite me over to play with Roman in the forest, when we would hide-out in the cave and tell stupid jokes to each other for hours upon hours until the sunl
ight faded and the forest was this quiet. Everything was so much simpler back then.
Mom handed me a plate of French toast and ushered me outside to the porch where Dad was staring at his garden of Moonflowers and drinking his black coffee. We ate breakfast in silence because I wasn’t sure if I could say anything without crying.
Instead, I listened to the soft pounding of paws against the forest floor and the howls of the warriors when they started practice. I should’ve been there with them right now. I should’ve been a warrior. I should’ve been marked and mated to Roman. But the Moon Goddess didn’t have that planned for us.
I brushed my hand against my neck in the place Roman wanted to mark me last night. Without a mark, I couldn’t feel how Roman felt today. Was he leading practice like every other day? Was he hurting? Did he care? Would he walk through the forest and see me before I left?
No. He would never come see me.
When we finished, Dad put my suitcase in the car. I took our plates and walked to the kitchen with Mom. She leaned against the counter and frowned at me. “So, Derek isn’t your mate?”
I blew a breath out of my nose. “No.”
“Is it Roman?”
I gazed up at her. “How do you know?”
She gave me a you-didn’t-think-I-was-that-stupid-did-you? look, her right brow arched hard. “We could smell him in the house, and Dad saw him lingering outside a couple of nights. And… you know… Mr. Beck has the latest gossip at the hospital, so everyone there already knew.”
Oh, Mr. Beck. I hated him, but I was going to miss the hell out of him. “Tell him I said goodbye.”
“Roman?”
“No, Mr. Beck.”
She smiled, but the smile didn’t meet her eyes. “Roman knows, doesn’t he?” Her voice was soft, unlike her usual upbeat and lively tone. I squeezed my eyes closed and pressed my lips together, trying to hold it all in, but a tear slipped down my cheek. Mom pulled me into a hug and rubbed her hand against my temple. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Everything will be okay.”
“No, it won’t.” I sobbed. “He hates me. He refused to mark me, he refused to put the necklace on me. Everything's ruined. Everything.”
She rocked us back and forth. “He will get over it. Mates always do.” Her words were kind, but I couldn’t find any comfort in them.
Dad walked into the kitchen and clapped his hands together, a big grin on his face. “You ready, kiddo?” he asked. When he saw me, his eyes widened, and he slowly backed out of the room.
Mom rolled her eyes at him and laughed softly, pulling away just enough to gaze at me. “You know, when I first met your father, I wasn’t a virgin.”
I scrunched up my nose and choked out a laugh through my sobs. “Mom, I didn’t need to know that.”
She shushed me. “That’s not the whole story, Izzy. When he found out, he refused to talk to me for weeks. I was devastated; I never thought he would talk to me again… but as you can see...” Dad peeked through the window from the outside, just enough to only see from his eyes up. “We’re in a much better place…” She smiled at him with so much love and grasped her mate’s necklace. “Roman will get over it. Maybe not now, but soon.”
Dad peeked his head behind the front door as I wiped my tears away. “You ready?”
I nodded my head and said goodbye to the house I lived in for years, then—reluctantly—hopped into Dad’s car. Being the sappy guy that he was, Dad decided that it would be a good idea to take a slow drive through the pack to see everything one last time. My high school. The park. Derek’s house.
And, of course, the packhouse.
Roman stood outside, talking to Cayden, with his back turned. When he heard Dad’s car, he gazed over—not even bothering to turn his whole body—and tensed when his eyes met mine through my window. I swore that Dad hit the brakes to drive about 5mph because everything slowed down.
I so desperately wanted him to run over, to hug me, to apologize. But he didn’t.
He gazed at me until I couldn’t see him anymore. And that’s when I knew that nothing would ever be the same anymore.
Isabella
“New pack, new you, huh?” Ryker asked from the doorway to my room in the Lycan’s packhouse. He stared at my freshly cut and highlighted hair that sat in loose curls at my shoulders.
A smile twitched on my lips—the first smile in nearly two-weeks since I left—and I glanced at him through the mirror. Moonflowers twinkled in the corner of my room, near the window. “You can complain about it all you want, Mr. Ryker, but I like it.”
I wanted him to respond with a sly comment, something that Roman would say, something to remind me of him. But instead, he walked over to me, tugged on one of my curls, and said, “I like it.”
“You like it?” I asked, my finger brushing against my mate’s necklace. The metal was cool—cold even.
He gazed down at the pendant, then looked back at me and nodded his head. “It fits you, Bella.”
I playfully pushed past him and walked into the living room. Though I had barely smiled these past two weeks, I liked this new me. I liked being able to train and to protect others. I liked being able to do what I loved, and I liked having a pack that supported me. I liked everyone here.
But I missed him.
It had been an agonizing two weeks without relaxing into his scent or in his arms or even in the thought of him. Mom was wrong about Roman. He wasn’t going to come around anytime soon.
“We’re going to be late for practice,” I said.
“Practice doesn’t start for another half-hour.” He followed me into the living room and sat across from me on the couch, resting his forearms on his thighs and letting his biceps ripple. “Now, do you have anything you want to tell me?”
“No.”
He raised a single sharp brow. “Not even about the mate’s necklace around your neck?”
I fingered the necklace again, heart racing. He had seen it plenty of times since I had been here, and he let it slide. I knew he would ask about it sooner or later.
“Is it someone in the Lycans?”
“No.”
He raised his brows, amused. “You and Raj seem to get along quite nicely.”
I scrunched up my nose. “Raj’s attractive, but he’s not my type.”
“Who?”
“Why do you want to know?”
He paused for a moment; his lips pursed together. “Because you have a necklace but aren’t marked.”
Of course. I must’ve been the only werewolf ever who had a mate’s necklace but wasn’t marked. One without the other was the first sign of rejection. I sighed, rested my head against the couch, and closed my eyes.
A part of me still didn’t blame him for not marking me, and I hated it. My wolf wanted him more than anything she had ever wanted. These past two weeks she refused to push herself hard in training. She was hurt that Roman didn’t want us for who we truly were: warriors.
I gripped the edge of the couch, trying to hold back the tears. She felt rejected. I felt rejected. And, now, I wasn’t only adjusting to a new life with a new pack, but I was adjusting to a life without him.
The threat of rogues and the threat of going into heat weighed heavily on my shoulders. It was so stupid for me to cry in front of Ryker—my leader. But I gazed right at him with tears in my eyes. “Roman is my mate.”
“Roman?” he asked, almost in disbelief.
Before I could shed a tear, I wiped the corner of my eye with my finger. “Yes.”
He ran a hand through his hair, then rubbed his face with his hands. “Let me guess, he was too angry to mark you.”
“No, he wasn’t.” I pressed my lips together. “He was too disappointed in me.” I stood up and shook my head. “Too disappointed in my decision to do what I loved. He always seemed disappointed in me, even when I was in his pack. It didn’t matter what I did. I never seemed like enough.”
“Bella, I—” Ryker started.
“I don’t want to hear it,
Ryker. Don’t apologize for him. Don’t defend him. I don’t care. I can get through this without him. I have to. This was my decision, and I wouldn’t have made a different one if I knew we were mates prior to joining the Lycans. This has been my dream, and nothing will take my dream away.”
His lips curled into a small smile. “Independent woman.” He stood next to me and stared down at me with his lovely dark eyes. “You surprise me more every day, but I would never make any excuses for him. If he can’t see how strong you are, then that’s his fault. Not yours. But… we need to talk about you going through heat.”
“I know,” I whispered, suddenly feeling rejected.
“You’ll be going through heat in a couple of weeks” he said. “We need to be prepared. Some—most—warriors, especially in this pack, are driven by innate instinct. When the time comes and they feel that you’re in heat, they’ll try to put you out of it as soon as possible.”
“I’ll fight them off.”
“You won’t be able to,” he said, a sudden sadness in his voice. “Have you ever seen a she-wolf in heat before?” he asked. I shook my head. “You won’t be able to fight anyone off. I don’t care how strong you are.” He brushed his fingers against the scar on his neck. “You won’t.”
We sat in silence for a few moments, the air thick with tensions, then I nodded and grabbed his hand, squeezing it with mine. “Then, we will create a plan for when I do.”
Isabella
“Like the hair, Killer.” Raj rocked back and forth on his heels, sending me one of his signature smirks—the one he said got all the ladies, but I hadn’t seen any ladies that he’d ever been with.
I removed my mate’s necklace for training and placed it into my bag where it’d be safe. “Stop calling me that.”
“But it suits you.” He tugged his shirt over his head and tossed it onto the ground next to me. Up the left side of his brown abdomen, he had a string of Moonflower tattoos.
“I’ve killed two rogues so far.” I held up two fingers for emphasis, then removed my shirt and pointed to the tattoos on my back to make sure he fully understood that I was no rogue-killer—yet.