Absolute Zero: Soldier of Light Chronicles Book 2

by Ireland Gill

  Beau rose to all fours and brought his head to the edge of the bed by my hand. He looked at me with those big, round eyes with concern as I stroked the fur on his head and became relaxed, thinking about how lucky I was to have him back, how lucky I was to have a lot of things. “Because I know you'll call yet another, angel to come to my rescue, Hayden. You've all done enough favors for me to last a lifetime,” I said. “I don't want any more favors from angels.”

  I heard him sigh. “So, that's what this is about? Your damn pride?”

  I knew it wasn't going to be easy getting out of this. “I just don't want any more favors,” I mumbled.

  “They aren't favors, Evika,” he argued. “They are talents, gifts that the angels have been granted that are meant to benefit you. They will be utilized. Keeping you safe and happy is a huge priority for all of us. Don't you get that?”

  I lay silent, petting my dog, afraid to turn and look at my angel. I was so afraid anymore, afraid of the madness that started to consume my mind. My head was a melee. Crazy; that was where I was going. That dismal feeling started to override me again as soon as Elliott delivered those castors to the house only one week prior. I'd wondered how many times I'd have to send them out before those Seekers would just stop coming. Of course, I knew the answer; it was endless. My job would never end until my life did. I knew it in my heart, but part of me held onto that thread of hope that maybe inundating myself with the job would make me numb. Maybe I'd get used to it. Maybe.

  I recalled the moment when Elliott left the house after dropping off the castors, and Hayden and I stood in the kitchen, staring at the delivery.

  “He did an excellent job,” Hayden said from behind me as he observed the opened boxes.

  I nodded slowly in agreement as I stared at them. Orange, red, black and silver; they were all there. Despite the beauty of them, I saw the castors as the tools of my own destruction. It hurt me inside to feel that way and I didn't want to let it on, but I'm sure my thoughts on the matter were quite apparent. Finally, I started to pull each of the four castors from the box to set them out on the table.

  “What are you doing?” he asked me.

  “Setting them up,” I said mechanically.

  “Now?” Hayden sounded shocked.

  I sighed heavily as I took the red and black castors in each hand. “Why hold off the inevitable, Hayden?” I could hear defeat in my own voice.

  His eyes narrowed and he snatched the metal orbs from my hands, placing them back into the boxes. “You don't have to do this right now just because they're here,” he said sternly. “We can wait until tomorrow.”

  “For what, Hayden? Huh?” I snapped. “To put this off even longer? You can't protect me from this.” I could see the shock in his expression. “Whether I do it now, later, tomorrow, next week, next month, it's what I'm supposed to do. This is my life now, right?” My words came out more spiteful than I'd intended. “What are you trying to hold this off for?”

  “Because of you, Evika! You're pissed...and closed off. I know how you get. This is one of your meltdowns, and I'm not letting you do this right now.”

  “No,” I argued, pulling the red and black castors back out of the box, “what I'm doing is getting this started now. I'm not going to be any less pissed or closed off tomorrow, Hayden. So, let's just get this going.”

  He looked at me in disbelief, shaking his head and gaping, as if not sure of what he wanted to say to me. “What has gotten into you?” His quiet voice and concerned expression made me uneasy. He looked at me like I was so foreign to him.

  I sat down in the chair closest to the window and looked out blankly. “Acceptance,” I simply said. “That should make you happy. In fact, it should make all of you happy.”

  I heard the sound of a chair slowly gliding across the kitchen tile. Hayden slid it next to me and sat down cautiously. I could feel him looking at me, studying me. His momentary silence was indicative of his reluctance to comment. I could see his head turn toward the window in my peripheral. A slight drizzle of rain pattered on the window sill. I wondered if it was my doing or just nature.

  “You know,” he said quietly, “we haven't even talked about that first Seeker since before we moved here.”

  I shook my head. “I just want to forget about it.”

  “Forget about it,” he repeated with a nod. “Will that make it go away?” Hayden asked condescendingly.

  I shot him a piercing glare. “I don't know, Hayden, but reminding me of it sure doesn't help.”

  He sighed, folding his arms and leaning back in the chair as he observed me minutely. “I saw and heard how much anger you had in you, Evika. Hell, I could almost feel it. I'm not sure what's been going on, but I need to be certain that you communicate with me on the things about which I don't know are happening.”

  “Like what?” I asked exasperatedly. Ugh. Why was I acting like this?

  “In your head, Evika” He freed his hands and started ticking things off on his fingers. “Like your feelings, your fears, your confusions, your---”

  “Jeez! What, are you my therapist now?”

  Hayden ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath, exhaling it slowly, steadily. He was doing that thing again, biting his tongue, something I should have learned to do by that point in time. “Evika,” his tone was stern, “don't close me off. I just want to be sure that you talk to me. That's all.” He leaned forward in his seat, lifting my chin so our eyes would meet. I was taken aback when he looked down at my hands and brought his to mine, intertwining our fingers. Then his eyes looked pleadingly into mine, almost desperate. “Can you do that for me?”

  How could I deny him what he was asking of me? How could I not tell him that the one thing I feared the most anymore...was myself? How could I keep anything from him, other than my true feelings for him while they could be tamed? I felt certainty, hopelessness and confusion all at once. How was that even possible?

  Can you do that for me? His question played over and over in my head as we stared at each other. I finally looked away from his eyes and down at our hands. Mine were so small inside of his, but they looked protected, safe.

  “Okay,” I said quietly. Did I really mean it? No. Did I want to mean it? Yes. But Hayden had already seen how I could lose control. He'd known I'd physically tried to hurt the first Seeker before I saved her. It was almost embarrassing to me. What were the next Seekers going to be like? Would I have the self-control? I'd hoped to God.

  “I know this is going to be much harder for you than it ever was for any of the previous Soldiers of Light,” he said, “but I will do everything I can to get you through this. I promise.”

  I kept my gaze on our hands. Maybe that was all I needed, to think about him while I was in the middle of a “save.” It worked the first time; knowing that I'd be back in his arms again got me through the event.

  I sighed. “Hayden,” I finally looked up at him again, trying to show him my determination. “I really need to do this now while I have the guts to do it.”

  He looked back at me wearily, but finally relented. Soon after that was when I started to lose my mind. After setting up four of the castors and sending them out, it took less than five minutes for all of them to be inhabited by new Seekers. I conducted saves for three men and one woman, all of which had murdered innocent people. I remember the silver castor the most. It was Roger Stoneman, who had apparently not meant to hurt anyone in the process of his robbing a low-security bank, but inevitably did. It was unavoidable. He'd trapped nine civilians, wired them all up with TNT and threatened to blow the entire building up along with himself. Roger came outside with one of the hostages, but was gunned down shortly after he released the woman. Little did the cops realize, the detonator was in the criminal's hand, and the civilians and the building were blown to pieces in a matter of seconds.

  I was not fond of the gunshots. The sounds of the shots ripped through my ears. Crack! It was a familiar sound, one that was not easily forgot
ten, and I was immediately reminded of my mother's death. All of these factors put me into a worse state of mind, reminding me of the past.

  I felt the pressure of the bullets as they hit my body, going through and out the other side. The death was instant after the last one hit me in the head. That white light came, and then I was back in Hayden's arms.

  I assessed myself, physically and mentally, to determine if I was okay, and then pushed myself to go in again. I was breathing hard and didn't want to give time to let the shock move in. I wanted to open the next castor – red – before Hayden had the chance to tell me not to. This was how the first four went; I was lining them up and knocking them down, so to speak. It was the only thing I could think of that would get me numb to the whole process. I tried to just do it and not think about it. It was the only way it was going to work. No one could block these images from me. My “gift” would succeed no matter what Hayden did to change anything. I would always see the terrible things the Seekers had done when they were alive.

  “Again,” I stated to Hayden, grabbing two more castors off of the bed and starting to reset them.

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “No. Way,” he said sternly. “You've had enough.”

  “That was only four,” I argued. “We're doing more.”

  “No,” he said sharply, “we're not.” He took the orbs off of the bed and placed them in his duffel bag; I hadn't realized he brought it into the bedroom with us.

  “You're making this worse for me.” I spoke through my teeth as I felt my anger rising. “I need to do this now.”

  “Evika, I don't get it. Why are you trying to push yourself?”

  “Because it's the only way this will work, Hayden. I just want to get them out of the way,” I said as I hastily grabbed the bag from him and threw it on the bed.

  “You will never get them out of the way, Evika,” he assured me. “There will always be more and more. Every, single day. Always! This will never end!” He raised his voice to me, but I could see that he had a look of worry hidden behind his angry eyes.

  “Don't you think I know that already?” I snapped. My eyes started to sting. God! Of course, I knew it would never end. I did. I was past that. A surge of guilt ran through me after barking at Hayden so harshly. I made effort to soften my tone. “I know this, Hayden.” I sighed. “But I need to get used to this. Maybe if I just do this enough, all at once, I'll become jaded, numb to it. I need to get to that point.”

  He looked at me incredulously. “And you honestly think this is making it better?” I could tell he was concerned and finally stopped trying to hide it. “Look at yourself in the mirror and then, you tell me if this is, at all, a healthy approach.”

  He lifted his hand gently to my face, turning it toward the mirror as we sat on the bed. I saw myself, sunken-in eyes, worn expression, pale, ashen. I didn't recognize that girl, but not just due to those reasons. I saw the face of a sad and merciless being, an idle soul that had been touched by a darker force that was brewing inside her. A malevolence that lay dormant, just waiting, and inescapable.

  I turned and stared at him, awaiting his ever-wise words, but he just shook his head. Maybe it was a test. Maybe he was waiting for me to ask for his thoughts on the matter, luring me in by his silence. But it didn't work, I wouldn't buy into it.

  He let me set up another round of castors. The rest of that day consisted of even more brutal murders and beatings and deaths for me to endure. I tried telling myself that I was getting used to it, but I knew it was a lie. A total lie. If I wasn't allowed to “judge” these people and choose their eternal fate, then what else was I supposed to do? Endure it. That was the only choice I had.

  By the time the day was done, I'd argued with Hayden enough to save twelve Seekers. I'd done it, I'd begun my journey of saturating myself with the horror that was to be my daily life and kept my cool with every one of them, despite the fact that I was sending them to the undeserved bliss of their next life.

  And...I hate them all. Every one of them.

  I took a hot shower, trying to wash away the things I'd seen. I stared at the drain and imagined all the water that cascaded down my skin was a piece of the horrid things I'd witnessed; it would all leave me and get washed away to another place. I wanted so badly to believe that was what happened, that I could just forget.

  When I got out of the bathroom, Beau was loyally sitting on his hind legs, waiting for me to open the door and head to my bedroom. I could feel Hayden staring after me from his room's threshold as I walked. I knew he knew something was wrong. It wasn't going to be something I would be able to hide, and that was obvious. He knew me too well.

  I thought about who I really needed the most, and that was my mother. I longed for that familiar voice, that familiar touch and familiar hope with which she could fill me in just one of her winning smiles. I looked at my dog as he sat on the floor next to the bed, laying his ears back as he stared at me, those sad, brown eyes watching me curiously.

  “You miss her too, don't you, boy?” I asked him.

  Beau let out a slight whimper and placed his head in my lap, looking up at me. He let me play with his ears and twirl his fur around my fingers as I stared at the floor in a daze.

  Hayden left me alone for the rest of that night. Part of me was relieved, but I mostly felt saddened by his choice to let me be. And that, in itself, got me even more frustrated. As if my emotions weren't running high enough already, I felt even more confused and desperate in how to handle the one thing I knew for sure; my feelings for Hayden. Those were always there, no matter how mad he made me, no matter how scared I was, and no matter how deep I fell into the despair that lingered within.

  I went to sleep that night, exhausted and spent. That was when the dreams started. I saw their faces. I died all over again. I watched their offenses over and over again, unable to turn it off. And the most horrifying thing was, the brewing hatred in me just kept filling, readying itself to spill over at the imminent moment. The first official day, reluctantly embracing the new life set before me and my dream world wasn't even something in which I could find peace anymore.

  “It's already been decided, Evika,” Hayden said to me sternly, breaking my trance. “Jericho will be here tomorrow.” He rose from the bed.

  I turned in the bed to look at him. “So, that's it? I don't even get a say in this at all?”

  “No,” he snapped, “you don't. You opted out of that when you kept this from me. I'm not going to let this go on anymore.”

  My brow furrowed. I just wanted to avoid it all together, asking for help. Poor, helpless Evika again. I don't know what made me madder, Hayden's meddling or the fact that I was clearly the most helpless and stubborn human being the Council ever had to deal with.

  I said nothing, but managed to huff a loud breath as I turned away from him again. I lay there, petting Beau's fur until I fell back to sleep, letting the nightmares continue.

  5

  Enter, Sandman

  I woke to the sounds of the birds chirping in the tree closest to my window. I leaned over to find my dog lying awake on the floor, patiently waiting for my awakening. I smiled at him and slid down to the floor, giving him one of the huge bear-hugs I was so used to giving him.

  I thought about the previous night's events and immediately felt myself fill up with guilt. Letting the night come to an end the way it did with Hayden gnawed at me. I nudged Beau to his feet, and we tiptoed down the stairs to the kitchen. I peeked my head around the corner to see the angel eating a bowl of cereal. He didn't notice me until Beau rushed to his side to greet him. Hayden looked up at me and smiled weakly. I gave him one in return. He turned in his chair to nuzzle his face with Beau's, talking to him in that funny voice again.

  I made myself a bowl of the same cereal and sat across from the angel, slightly afraid to make eye contact again. I knew in my heart that I wanted to apologize to him for the torment I'd been putting him through, shutting him out.

  “Listen,” I sta
rted, “I'm sorry I haven't talked to you about those dreams. The main reason I didn't is because I knew you'd bug another one of the angels to help.” Hayden looked up at me from his playtime with Beau. “I'm really stubborn and I know that. Believe me,” I rolled my eyes at myself, “I'm fully aware that I can be a pain in the ass.” There. Progress.

  Hayden smirked and looked up. “At least you can admit it.” It amazed me how forgiving he was through all of the problems I'd created for us, the outbursts I'd perform.“Nonetheless,” he continued, “that's a trait that you're stuck with, which means I'm stuck with it too, and I've accepted that.” He winked at me.

  I studied him for a moment, mesmerized by his emeralds as the light of the morning sun shined upon his face making his eyes sparkle as if they were actual stones, gently highlighting his perfect lips which were turned into a little grin while he resumed eating. God, how I wanted life to be different, for life to be simpler, to have more moments like that one where I didn't have a care in the world except to savor the beautiful grace of my angel across from me at the breakfast table.

  I suddenly became aware of the expression on my face and looked back to my breakfast before Hayden could look at me again.

  “This will be good for you,” he assured me. “Jericho has been asking about you. He's not normally so concerned about someone.”

  I looked at him inquisitively. “What do you mean?”

  “I've never seen him so eager before. Even Luka is taken aback by Jericho's willingness to help.” Hayden looked at me for a brief moment. I could tell he was editing his thoughts before speaking. “He keeps to himself a lot. He's not as....extrovert as the angels you've already met.”

  “So, what's his problem?”