‘Okay then.’ I stood up from the bench. ‘See you back home then? For dinner? Maybe we can get a takeaway?’ I knew my words sounded lame but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. He gave me a small smile. I really hoped he wasn’t going to do anything stupid. I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek and then I walked away.
At the gate at the edge of the park, I glanced back to see him on the bench cutting a forlorn, lonely figure. It hurt to see him like that, so different to the man I fell in love with. And I wanted to be here for him. But I had changed too. Our relationship was no longer what it once was. I think deep down he knew that. There was no way back for us but I hoped he could be a father to our baby, that he would get better, and I would do my best to get him there. But my priority was this baby, and I knew I was doing the right thing in putting it first now.
I walked out of the park and pulled out my phone to call the estate agent. The wallpaper on my screen was now the grainy scan image of my baby and that gave me the strength I needed to make the call.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Greg didn’t come home until late. The sun was starting to set outside when I heard the front door finally open. I let out a long exhale of relief. I had picked at leftovers in the fridge, and was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea constantly checking the clock and my phone, getting more anxious by the minute that he had relapsed or something. He wasn’t picking up his phone or replying to my messages so I was about to call his parents to see if they had heard from him when he walked into the kitchen, looking tired but coherent.
‘I’m glad you’re not in bed yet,’ he said, giving me a small smile.
‘I was worried about you,’ I said, wearily, trying to subtly check for signs that he’d been drinking.
‘Oh, sorry. I didn’t think. Can we talk or do you want to wait until the morning?’
‘Let’s talk,’ I said, glad that he seemed to be sober.
Greg went to the fridge and brought over a can of Coke. He had upped his sugar intake since stopping drinking alcohol, I had noticed. ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said. I went to see my parents and talked to them too,’ he said, sitting down opposite me. ‘You’re right. I need to go away to get help. Being here, I’m tempted all the time. My parents are willing to pay for a month’s stay at the centre so I can go straight away and don’t need to wait or anything,’ he said, in a rush. I knew that he found it hard to talk about his problems still.
‘That’s great, Greg,’ I said, touching his hand briefly. ‘I really think that’s the best thing to do.’ I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. He had reached out to his parents and not only had they agreed with me, but had swept in with an excellent solution. ‘I know it will be tough but you can do it.’
‘I hope you’re right.’ He sighed. ‘I’m… scared,’ he admitted then. He took a big gulp from his drink and I saw that his hands were shaking slightly.
‘Of course you are. But it will be the best place. You can get better there. You will get better.’
‘I have to try at least, for our little one,’ he said, looking at my bump. Then he lifted his eyes to look at me. ‘I am sorry, you know. More than I can ever explain. I should have told you sooner, got help sooner. The thought that I hurt you in all of this… that’s the worst part. I hope you know that.’
I nodded. ‘I do. I know that it’s an illness, that some of it was out of your control, but it’s still hard for me to come to terms with,’ I said, honestly. Greg had always seemed so strong and capable. I mean, he was a fireman, for goodness’ sake. I had always felt so safe with him. I thought he could handle anything. But he was just human at the end of the day.
‘I wish I could take it all back,’ Greg went on, looking down at the table. ‘Go back to how we were but I see now that it’s impossible. I still hoped, I suppose, that we had a future together. Somehow. But that was selfish of me. You deserve so much better.’
‘Honestly, I can’t think of anything right now except this baby,’ I replied, carefully. I wanted him to know that I wanted to support him in getting help, but anything more than that was something I couldn’t even think about, with him or anyone.
‘I know, I know. You’re going to be such a great mother,’ he said, looking up then. ‘I just hope I’ll get to see it.’
‘Of course you will! You’ll get better and you’ll be a great father.’ I hoped that I would be proved right about that.
‘I’ll do the best I can.’
‘That’s all any of us can do.’
* * *
An invitation landed on the doormat late one morning. It was a bright, sunny day, and I was putting books into a box when I heard the postman. Opening up the fancy cream envelope, my heart lifted inside my chest at the words inside.
We cordially invite you to the wedding of Caroline Williams and John Thompson at Glendale Hall…
‘What’s that?’ Greg asked from behind me as he carried a box down the stairs. We were trying to sort out all our belongings. The house was up for sale and we had so much to clear through – packing up things for storage and things to sell as well as to keep. It was helping to take our mind off Greg’s impending admittance to rehab, at least.
‘An invitation to Caroline Williams’ wedding. They only got engaged at Beth and Drew’s wedding but they’ve known each other for so long… it’s in three weeks’ time,’ I replied, slipping it into the pocket of my dungarees. I picked my box back up and carried it into the kitchen. I tried to focus on the task in hand but my mind was swimming with thoughts of Glendale. I desperately wanted to go but it was surely impossible. Greg followed me and we added our two boxes to the growing pile to take to the charity shop. It really was amazing what you could accumulate in just a few years.
‘Will you go to the wedding?’ Greg asked me.
‘I can’t. There’s so much to do here and anyway, you’ll be at the centre then. I can’t leave you,’ I said, shaking my head even though my heart ached with longing.
‘I was going to talk to you about that.’ He ran a hand through his hair and I was immediately on alert at the nervous action. ‘They prefer you to have as little contact with the outside world as possible, especially at the start. I’m not allowed any phone calls or visitors for at least two weeks. My therapist can provide updates but I need to focus on my treatment. After that, I can use the phone at certain times, but as I’m just there for a month, they’re recommending no visitors.’
I let that sink in. ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ I checked. It was brave of him to go there and to do it all alone. I wasn’t sure I could have done it if our roles were reversed. He nodded.
‘Will you let me know when I’m allowed to phone you then?’
‘I’ll call you. I promise,’ he replied.
I sank down into one of our chairs. ‘It will be the longest we’ve ever been apart since we met.’
‘I know.’ He leaned against the counter. ‘You know what? I think you should go to that wedding.’
‘I couldn’t. How could I celebrate and be happy when…’ I trailed off, hating how much I wished I could be in Glendale again. It was hardly surprising with everything that had been going on in London, all the stress and worry of the past weeks – the thought of peaceful countryside, Sally’s wonderful food, and all my friends up there was incredibly appealing.
‘Why sit here and worry all the time though? You love it up there. It’ll take your mind off everything. You should go. Our estate agent can show the house to anyone, you don’t need to be here. In fact, they prefer us to be out when they come.’
‘I don’t know. Maybe, I suppose.’ I pulled out the invitation again. It was elegant, just like Caroline. They would be getting married in the Glendale church. I couldn’t help but think of Brodie. He’d be conducting their ceremony, of course. Did I have the strength to see him again, just as friends? Or would my heart betray me, wanting so much more from him?
Chapter Thirty-Six
After
dropping off a couple of boxes at the charity shop, while Greg began to pack a bag for rehab, I took the sunny afternoon as a sign and decided to walk back to the house. I was thinking about what he had said about me going to Glendale, and the pull I felt to go back there. But it still felt strange to be thinking about attending such a joyful occasion while Greg was trying to overcome his demons. Not to mention how much there was still to sort out regarding our money problems and the house sale, although I knew both our parents would step in readily to help if we asked them to.
I walked down the High Street and then through the park. It was full with families as the school holidays had just begun. I couldn’t help but wonder if one day that could be me with my own child. Would I still live in this area then, though? The future was so uncertain. After having my life so planned out, it was disconcerting to not be able to picture what it would be like when my child was five.
Leaving the park, I turned down our long road and slowed a little, in no hurry to get back home really. The sight of the church on the corner slowed me down even more. I wondered if Brodie knew I’d been invited to the wedding. He must assume I had. It had been so strange to have no contact with him since I came back to London. But I knew I would have to be the one to reach out; he wanted to let me sort things out down here, he knew I had so much going on. I missed him, though. More than I could have imagined.
Did he ever ask Beth and Drew about me? It was so hard not knowing if he ever thought about me at all. If he missed me too. They knew we were selling the house and that Greg was going to the treatment centre, both of them reminding me that they were there for me if I needed them. Perhaps they had told Brodie that. Or perhaps he hadn’t asked about me at all. Neither Beth nor Drew would ever gossip about me, I was certain of that, so it might be that he thought Greg and I were sorting out our problems; that we were back together. I wasn’t sure which scenario was better or worse.
The church was drawing me closer to it. I decided to let it, turning off the road and walking through the open, oak door. It was much cooler and dimmer inside. It was quiet, too. My footsteps echoed as I walked.
I slid into a row of pews and sat down, looking up at the gold altar and the stained-glass window above it, through which the sun was shining, creating a rainbow on the tiled floor. Even though I wasn’t at all religious, I did feel calmer in there somehow.
The past few weeks washed over me in that moment. I knew that currently I was just reacting to my life. It was hard to do otherwise. Things had literally been thrown at me and I was just trying to keep everything afloat. I would soon have to start thinking about what came next, though. What I wanted to come next. Maybe leaving London again would give me that clarity. I would have space to think about myself again. And my baby. And what we would do next.
But how would I feel seeing Brodie again? And was that a big enough reason not to go?
I had been hoping that the church would give me some sort of sign but I knew deep down that only I could decide what to do. I pulled out the wedding invitation from my bag and a pen. I hovered over the RSVP tab at the bottom. Taking a deep breath, I ticked a box and sat back in the pew.
‘Well, if this all goes wrong, I know who to blame,’ I murmured, looking up at the altar ahead.
* * *
Molly invited me to her house for brunch on Sunday. I hadn’t wanted to leave Greg on his last day at home but his parents invited him over and I knew that he wanted to spend some time alone with them so I hopped on a bus to Molly’s house in Putney. She lived in a large house that had been in her family for generations. She had never wanted to leave and I couldn’t blame her. It was lovely and now housed her, her son and daughter-in-law and their two children. Molly loved people around her, at work and at home, and was unfailingly generous.
‘Emily, darling!’ she cried, flinging the door open and pulling me into her arms. She leaned back to look at me and tutted. ‘You look tired. Come on, you need food – you’re eating for two, remember!’
‘That’s a myth,’ I replied with a smile as I followed her through her hall and into her large, bright, open-plan kitchen where there was a delicious smell of bacon in the air. ‘But when it comes to your food, I’m very happy to oblige.’
‘Are you sure you’re looking after yourself? Sit, sit!’ Molly said, bustling over to the Aga. ‘Help yourself to tea or juice, or both,’ she added, pointing to the table.
I went over and sat down. ‘I’m fine, really,’ I insisted as I poured myself a glass of freshly squeezed juice. The table was laid with a gingham cloth. A bowl of croissants sat in the middle with butter and jam, pots of tea and coffee next to it, and a bowl of fruit. A vase of yellow roses completed the set-up. Aunt Sally would have been impressed. ‘It’s just been a stressful few days, what with putting the house on the market and trying to clear our stuff, and Greg getting ready for rehab. There’s so much to do, you know?’
‘Well, just don’t exhaust yourself. You need to take care of you and that little one.’ Molly carried over two plates piled high with bacon and eggs then came back with a stack of toast and a plate of pancakes. ‘Dig in, you need to keep your strength up,’ she said, sitting down next to me. I smiled and dutifully started to eat. Molly was an excellent cook as well as baker. ‘I really am sorry you’ve got all this going on. How is Greg doing?’ she asked after nodding with satisfaction as she watched me take a big bite.
‘He’s terrified to go into the centre but desperate to go as well. He’s been struggling this week trying not to relapse so I’m glad he’ll be there tomorrow. But, it’s weird. Even after everything, I will miss him when he goes. It feels like the end of something.’
Molly nodded. ‘Of course. You’ve been together a long time and you really loved him. And still do. You can’t just turn it off like a tap. Unfortunately. But it’s the best place for him right now so you have to focus on that. And do you think the house will sell quickly?’
‘We had someone come for a second viewing yesterday. I mean, it’s a nice road and we priced it competitively to try to get a quick sale so I hope so. I’ll have to go back to my parents’ once it sells. I don’t know how long for.’ I wasn’t keen on doing that, it felt like I was going backward but I knew it was more important to get out of our debt than worry about that. ‘I’m really grateful to you for giving me more time off of work. I hate leaving you in the lurch,’ I added as I buttered another slice of toast.
‘You know that Anna loves covering there,’ Molly said, waving away my thanks, talking about her daughter-in-law. ‘In fact, that’s why I asked you over today. I did have an ulterior motive. I wanted to talk to you before but well, with everything that has happened… But I think it might help.’ She bit her lip and looked nervous. I watched her, wary after all the bombshells I’d had to deal with already. ‘Emily, dear, I’ve decided the time has come for me to retire.’
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I stared at Molly in shock as her words sank in. ‘Retire? But…’
‘I know, I’m too young, aren’t I?’ she said with a laugh but I couldn’t raise a smile back. ‘But as I said, Anna loves working in the shop and now that her kids are at school, she wants to find something full-time again. I want to hand the running of the bakery over to her while I’m still young enough to go off and do the travelling I always wanted to. I married young, as you know, and had my son young too, and I’ve worked in the bakery most of my adult life. I would like to stay with my sister in Australia, and see the world. I always planned to and then just didn’t do it. But what am I waiting for, you know?’
It felt like the room was spinning a little. I put my knife and fork down. Molly leaving Molly’s bakery? Why was everything I knew suddenly changing so much?
‘But you can’t leave the bakery, you just can’t,’ I burst out, realising I sounded like a spoilt child.
Molly put her cutlery down and touched my hand. ‘It’s time. For me. I’m sorry, Emily. I really didn’t want to upset you. I thought that yo
u might see this as a good thing.’
‘Why would I do that?’ I asked, my voice coming out squeaky.
‘Well, as I said, Anna will manage the bakery for me so I can do some travelling, and we will be sharing the profits from it. I also have a very good pot of savings so there will be more than enough for me. So, I thought what else could I do to make use of the money I have now while I’m still alive and kicking?’ She smiled at me. ‘And I’ve decided that I’d like to give some to you.’
‘Me?’ I repeated, still spinning from what she was saying. I was glad to be sitting down as I worried I might fall otherwise.
‘Yes, you.’ She patted my hand and spoke gently, sensing that I was having a hard time taking all of it in. ‘I want to give you some money towards setting up your own bakery. When I first met you, fresh out of cookery school, eager to take on the world, you wanted to have your own bakery. I thought you’d be with me two years tops. That you’d go on and be a huge success. And then you met Greg, and I saw that your ambition had faded. Your priorities had changed. Now, there was nothing wrong with that. I wanted a family too, I understood. I was surprised, though. You were happy to stay with me, and I was happy because I loved you like a daughter and you’re a brilliant baker but perhaps I should have encouraged you more. Given you a push. I don’t know. But it’s far from too late. So, here I am, giving you that push.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I admitted after a moment’s silence.
‘That’s okay. I know you need to think about it. But I think you could do it. I always have. I want to help you do it, then I can go away knowing you’re okay. I mean what I say about loving you like a daughter.’ Her eyes started to mist up.
‘I know,’ I replied, swallowing the lump in my throat. ‘I feel the same. But this is too much. I couldn’t accept…’
New Beginnings At Glendale Hall Page 18