The Boy Who Has No Redemption

by Victoria Quinn

  “No.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I should have listened to you.”

  “We all make mistakes when we’re in a dark place. And you went into a really dark place after the wedding. I wish… I wish I hadn’t invited either one of them. If I’d known it was going to be a trigger like this, I would have done things differently. You were finally happy with a woman who was perfect for you, and I sabotaged that.”

  “No, Ryan. I’m the only person who’s responsible for what happened. There’s no excuse for what I did to Emerson. None. I should have pulled her closer instead of pushing her away. Now I lost the love of my life, and I have to live with that regret…forever.”

  His eyes turned sad. “You’re sure there’s nothing you can do?”

  “I tried talking to her a couple times… She hates me.”

  “I doubt she hates you, man.”

  I could see it in her eyes. I could see the pain she still carried. I could see how numb she was. “I hurt her far worse than Kevin and Tabitha hurt me, and now I’m looking at a version of myself when I see her. That’s the hardest part. That I shredded her belief in humanity, that I destroyed her soul.”

  He dropped his gaze.

  “And now I realize she’s the love of my life, always has been, and the idea of losing her the way I might lose my mom makes me realize how fucked up I’ve been. I’d give anything to do things differently. I asked her for an opportunity to prove it to her, but she said no.”

  “I’m sorry.” He clearly didn’t know what else to say as he listened to me speak to him like we were in a confessional booth.

  “Yeah, me too.”

  He bowed his head and turned silent.

  I cleared my throat. “Can I have Kevin’s number?”

  Ryan lifted his head so fast that his neck cracked. “What?”

  “Kevin’s number.”

  “Kevin… Kevin who?”

  “You know what Kevin I’m talking about, Ryan.”

  He immediately looked uncomfortable. “I know you’re in a dark place right now, but chasing him down and beating him to a corpse is not the solution—”

  “That’s not why.”

  “Then why?”

  I breathed through my thoughts, trying to tie them together so they would make sense. In my mind, they were a jumbled mess. “Because I know what it’s like to be truly sorry for what you did…and not get another chance.”

  14

  Emerson

  Derek stopped trying to talk to me.

  Sometimes I would see him when I went to the warehouse, and he would lift his gaze to stare at me, sometimes say a few words. But for the most part, he left me alone.

  It was a relief.

  I couldn’t keep having that same conversation. I’d made my decision, and I wasn’t changing it for anything. It didn’t matter that I still loved him, because I still felt completely different toward him.

  I’d stopped dating because that was such a nightmare. There were no good men out there, and I’d rather have a deep relationship with my vibrator and a good porn site. Every man after Derek was a disappointment, and I wasn’t going to waste time hoping the next guy would be different, when they never were.

  Lizzie and I were home one night when someone knocked on the door.

  My parents never knocked, and we didn’t get solicitors in the building, so my fear immediately went to Derek. I hoped Derek wouldn’t cross that line and come to my home where Lizzie was, but if he was insane enough to try to get back together in the first place, the thought wasn’t completely off the wall.

  I checked the peephole.

  Fuck.

  It was Paul.

  He banged his fist on the door again.

  “Who is that?” Lizzie asked.

  I pressed my forefinger to my lips and silently shushed her.

  “I know you’re in there!” Paul yelled through the door. “Give me my money, and I’ll leave you alone. If you think you can be some bitch who uses guys for free food and drinks, you’ve got another thing coming. I want my money. Venmo me by tomorrow, or I’ll come back.” His footsteps sounded on the floor as he started to walk away.

  Lizzie’s eyes were wide like she couldn’t believe what she’d heard. “Why do you owe that guy money?”

  “I don’t.”

  “Well, he thinks you do. Why?”

  I didn’t want to explain this to a thirteen-year-old. Now, I’d become one of those moms who brought weird-ass guys around her kid like a terrible parent. Fuck, this was a nightmare. “Don’t worry about it, alright?”

  “How can I not worry about it? Mom, what’s going on?”

  I slid the chain into the lock even though I’d never felt that was necessary before. “He was just some loser I went out with. When it didn’t work out, he wanted me to pay for all the drinks and meals he’d bought.”

  Lizzie’s jaw dropped. “That’s insane!”

  “Yes, I know.” He’d had no idea where I lived in the building, but when he couldn’t get a hold of me in any other way, he took it that far. I didn’t want to pay out of pride, but now that I was actually scared, I might have to slip a check under the door just to get him to leave us alone. If I’d known he would pull that stunt, I would have just paid him so my daughter wouldn’t have to see that.

  “What a jerk. What are you going to do?”

  “I’ll pay him. Problem will go away. So, don’t stress, Lizzie.”

  “Don’t pay him! He doesn’t deserve it.”

  “Sweetheart.” My hand moved to her shoulder. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Some guy came to our door and called you a bitch and demanded money because it didn’t work out? Yeah, I’m a little worried, Mom.”

  I was so fucking humiliated.

  “Because you didn’t want to see him anymore? That’s just…crazy.”

  “Well, I didn’t tell him about you. When I did, he flipped out.”

  She rolled her eyes. “That’s even worse. I’m sorry, Mom.”

  I continued to forget how mature she was. “Don’t be, sweetheart. It’s fine.” I rubbed her back. “Let’s make some cookies and forget about it, alright?”

  She continued to look at me with pity in her eyes.

  I hated that look. “Lizzie, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

  “You aren’t fine. You’re scared.”

  “I’m not scared. I’m not scared of anything—”

  “I know you’re lying, Mom. But yeah, let’s make some cookies.”

  I walked to Derek’s desk with the status of the applicants. “Thirty-seven agreed. Three declined.”

  He didn’t seem offended that some of the applicants were stupid enough to reject their acceptance. He grabbed the three applications of the people who’d passed on the offer. “They must have been offered full-time positions elsewhere.”

  “Yes, actually.”

  “Good for them. I’ll pick three other people.” He was in jeans and a hoodie, his eyes still lifeless, like he didn’t care about his work but showed up out of obligation, which wasn’t like him.

  “Alright.” I turned away.

  “How’s Lizzie doing in school?”

  I slowly turned back to him even though I didn’t want him to ask about my daughter, ask about the girl who’d believed in him so deeply and then crashed and burned just the way I did. “Good. She’s graduating middle school soon.”

  He watched me, still wearing an expression of guilt, of remorse. That was how he always looked at me now, like a dog that ripped up the seat cushion and was ready for another round of discipline. “She found another tutor, then?”

  I didn’t hesitate to lie. It was easy to lie to someone you didn’t respect. “Yes. She doesn’t need you, Derek. Neither one of us does.” I walked off before he could say something more, refusing to acknowledge how our world had shattered once he left us. Everything went to shit, and we were still drowning…even all this time later.

  15
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  Derek

  My work used to be my life.

  Now, it meant nothing to me.

  I didn’t give a damn about building the best rover. I didn’t give a damn about fixing the prototype for my previous rocket. All of it just seemed…pointless. The things I cared about took precedence in my mind—and Emerson was still on that list.

  Even though she didn’t want me.

  Even though she could barely look at me.

  Sometimes, the grief swallowed me so deeply that I just sat at my workbench and stared at my projects without really thinking about them. Jerome and Pierre were on their afternoon break and had taken a trip to the main building to use the lounge. I was alone in the warehouse.

  But also alone in every sense of the word.

  I stared at the surface of my desk, my phone and papers there, thinking about my mother’s last chemo treatment, the way my father screamed at me for bringing her ice cream—even though she’d asked me to get it for her.

  And then my phone rang…with Lizzie’s name on the screen.

  I had to stare for a couple seconds because I couldn’t believe her name was there, in bold letters, and it continued to ring like it wasn’t a butt dial or an accident. My hand shook as I grabbed it and answered. “Lizzie?” I still didn’t believe this call was purposeful. She hated me more than her mother did.

  “I only have like a minute before I have to get off the phone, so just listen, alright?”

  “Is everything okay?” I rose from my seat in preparation to do something, but I didn’t know what.

  “I would call somebody else, but I don’t really have anybody to call. My grandpa is just too old to do anything—”

  “Do what? Liz, you’re scaring me. What do you need?” Was Emerson okay? The heart palpitations were back, along with the nausea. I gripped the edge of the desk because the stress made my chest hurt.

  “Some guy came to our door last night and told my mom she owes him money. He called her a bitch…it was weird. He said he would come back today and wouldn’t stop until she paid him.”

  “Paid for what?”

  “She said they went out a couple times, and when he realized she had me, he got really angry and said she wasted his time and wanted to be paid back for all the money he’d spent on her. Jackass.”

  I started to breathe harder, feeling a rage I’d never felt in my entire life, the kind of seething anger that made men punch holes in walls and break chairs on top of dining tables.

  “Mom says she’s not scared, but I know she is. I’m scared too. I don’t know what else to do—”

  “You did the right thing, Liz. I’ll take care of it.”

  “He came around seven last night.”

  “Consider it done. Don’t spend another moment thinking about it, okay?” I couldn’t believe a motherfucking asshole would treat Emerson that way, would harass my girls at their apartment, to extort them for money instead of being a gentleman. I couldn’t believe he had been lucky enough to spend time with her in the first place. I couldn’t believe that he took her for granted and only cared about money instead of the fact that he actually got to be with the best person in this world. I was angry but also pained, hearing Lizzie scared when she was such a hard-ass like her mom. I was angry this occurred because of me…because I’d left. If I hadn’t done that, none of this would be happening.

  “Alright. Sorry to call. I really didn’t want to.”

  “You can call me for anything. I’m here—always.”

  I waited in the car until Emerson went inside.

  Then I stood in the hallway, a few feet away from her door, and with my arms crossed over my chest, I waited.

  I waited to kill the man with my bare hands.

  Hours passed, and nothing happened. The hallway was silent. After people came home from work, there was no foot traffic. I didn’t know what I would do if Emerson’s parents came down the hallway to see her, but thankfully, that didn’t happen.

  My heart pounded the entire time, the blood audible in my ears, my knuckles aching from a fight that hadn’t even happened yet.

  I knew it was him the second I saw him.

  He came up the stairs and rounded the corner, heading for her door without even glancing at me because he was so focused on his task that he was oblivious to the pissed-off guy standing nearby.

  He was shorter than me, not as thick as me, and not nearly as good-looking either.

  I didn’t know why she’d gone out with him in the first place.

  But then I remembered why…and I hated myself more.

  I poured that anger into my veins, used it as fuel to make my engine rev more powerfully, to use my large hands to rip every feature right off his face. My eyes watched him move, stop in front of Emerson’s door, and then raise his fist to knock.

  Seeing the scene with my own eyes made me psychotic. I’d punched Kevin a couple times, but that was because he deserved it. I didn’t get into street fights or resort to violence for insignificant reasons. But now, I felt like a professional fighter working off the clock. I came up behind him and hooked my arm around his neck so I could throw him to the floor.

  “What the fuck?” He landed against the hardwood then frantically got to his feet, hitting the opposite wall, looking at me with sheer terror. “Who the fuck are—”

  My hand went to his throat, and I pinned him against the wall, cutting off his air so he couldn’t breathe. He tried to kick me, but I sidestepped it like I knew what he would do before he did it. My closed fist slammed into his face, made his nose explode with blood, and for a moment, he zoned out, like I’d hit him so hard that he couldn’t think straight. “Bother my girls again, and I’ll kill you. Understand me?”

  Blood dripped from his nose, and his head wobbled on his neck. It took him a few seconds to come to, to realize he was still in serious danger. His eyes shifted to me, terrified. Now that there was a bigger shark around, he wasn’t the arrogant son of a bitch he’d been when he’d strolled up to her door.

  I squeezed his neck before I slammed the back of his head into the wall.

  He groaned and choked at the same time, trying desperately to rip my hands off his neck. He tried to talk, but he couldn’t make any words because he couldn’t breathe.

  “Oh, sorry.” I loosened my grip so he could inhale a breath. “Were you going to say something?”

  He gasped loudly, drawing breath like he was on the verge of life and death. Then he nodded frantically.

  “I didn’t catch that.” I squeezed his neck again.

  “Yes!” He raised his hands in surrender. “Got it, alright?”

  I threw him to the ground again because I hated this asshole, calling Emerson a bitch, extorting her for money, scaring her at her fucking home. I knew he’d tracked her down because Emerson would never bring a guy to her apartment unless they were serious, and there was no fucking way Emerson was serious with this piece of shit. “Good.” I pulled out my wallet and drew out a few hundred-dollar bills and threw them at him. “Leave.” Just in case my threats weren’t enough, he got what he came for, and there was no reason for him to return.

  He glanced at the cash, like he thought it was a test and the second he touched it, I would break his face.

  I stepped closer to him.

  He quickly snatched the cash and got to his feet, stumbling down the hallway, looking over his shoulder over and over to keep me in his sights. When he made it to the stairway, he started to run, taking the stairs double time until his heavy footfalls turned quiet.

  I was too paranoid to leave, so I lingered in the hallway a couple doors down, leaning against the wall with my hands in my pockets. I was still livid, my heart pounding so hard it actually hurt my chest. I wished that guy would get hit by a bus on his way home or get mugged and thrown in a dumpster, but I didn’t hate him more than myself.

  All of this happened because of me.

  And only me.

  I pulled out my phone and texted Lizzie. I too
k care of it.

  Three dots immediately popped up. He’s gone?

  Yes.

  You’re sure he won’t come back?

  100%

  Okay…thanks. Mom is trying to act like she’s fine, but she’s scared. I can tell. She has the money by the door.

  It broke my heart to picture Emerson that way, all alone, protecting herself and her daughter, hating herself for getting mixed up in the situation in the first place. I knew how she was. Instead of blaming the guy for being a dick, she would blame herself for getting involved with him in the first place.

  Should I tell her what you did so she stops worrying?

  I wanted to be her hero in this story. I wanted her to know that her daughter ran to me and I was there for both of them. But I really didn’t do anything…except fix the problem I’d caused. I didn’t deserve any praise. No.

  K.

  I wanted to keep talking to Liz. I missed her. I missed our tutoring sessions. I missed the way she would tease her mom, the way she would ask me about rockets and space. I missed…having her as my friend. How’s school going?

  She continued to talk to me. Um, okay.

  And math? I’d asked Emerson, but I suspected she would never tell me the truth, not anymore.

  I’m failing…

  I rested my head against the wall and sighed, knowing Lizzie’s grades were my fault too. I’d abandoned my girls, and they suffered in my absence. I ruined her grades, I ruined their Christmas, I ruined Emerson’s happiness. Let me help you.

  It’s okay, Derek. I’ll figure it out.

  I want to tutor you, Liz. I wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to help.

  I appreciate what you did for us with that weirdo, but I don’t want your help. You hurt my mom, and she’s still messed up from that. I still don’t like you. And you didn’t just hurt her…but you hurt me too.

  My eyes started to water. I’m so sorry, Liz.

  Whatever.

  I made a mistake. I’d give anything to take it all back.

  But you can’t. You never can. My mom is the best person I know. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t appreciate her until she wasn’t the same. She was always in a good mood when she came home, always happy to come to my games, always teasing me about stuff. But now, she’s…different. She’s quiet, sad, just kind of a ghost. I feel like I lost my mom. I’m afraid she won’t come back.