Surviving Amber Springs: A Stand-Alone Contemporary Romance

by Siobhan Davis

  This is the real hard part. Because I know when I admit this they’re going to feel like they failed me.

  “I wasn’t in my right state of mind, or I never would’ve done it.” I gulp. “And when I got the email, it seemed inevitable. At least, that’s what I convinced myself back then.”

  “What email?” Skeet questions, frowning.

  I bite down on my lower lip. “I never told anyone, but I was getting threatening emails from someone who knew about my past. Someone who was telling me I should’ve died instead of Ethan.”

  Ax and Skeet go rigidly still.

  My chest pumps up and down, my heart thumping wildly, and I crick my head from side to side, attempting to loosen my stiff shoulders. There’s no easy way to do this, so I just rip the Band-Aid off. “I tried to kill myself that night, and I almost succeeded.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “Jesus, Blaire.” Tears roll unapologetically down Skeet’s face. “I didn’t know you felt like that.”

  “We never would’ve left your side if we knew you were thinking those thoughts,” Ax ads in a solemn tone. “We thought we were doing the right thing by giving you space.”

  A portentous silence engulfs us as my statement hangs in the air.

  “It was all too much. I was suffocating, and that was the only way I could see of escaping my inner prison. Ethan would’ve been so disappointed in me.” The memory of that night flits through my mind. I remember seeing him. Reaching for him. Being happy we were going to be reunited. I don’t know if it was a hallucination or if he was really there. I like to think he was. And that it means he’s looking over me. I find comfort in that. And in the days immediately after I attempted suicide, it was that vision of him that kept me going.

  “If you’d died Blaire …” Skeet shakes his head, his glassy eyes sad as pulls me into his arms. The couch dips as Axel sits down on my other side, hugging me from behind.

  “I’m sorry we weren’t there for you,” Axel whispers, his warm breath lifting all the tiny hairs on the back of my neck.

  We stay like that for a while. Just holding onto one another, not talking, but it’s cathartic. I’m not sure there’s much you can say when someone admits they tried to kill themselves.

  I ease out of Skeet’s arms a few minutes later, keeping hold of his hand while Ax slings his arm around my shoulder. We sit back on the couch, and I’m cocooned by two guys who mean the world to me. I blink back tears as I speak. “You guys helped me more than you ever knew, so please don’t feel like you’ve let me down. You didn’t.” I look between them, hoping they can read the sincerity in my eyes.

  “My mom found me slumped on the bathroom floor, unconscious. Dad performed CPR while Mom called an ambulance. They got to me just in time. My stomach was pumped, and I stabilized, but I wasn’t in a good place. Not at all.”

  I swallow over the lump in my throat. “The next day, my parents packed up our stuff, and we flew to Florida, to my grandparents’ estate. I’d never met them before. Dad was estranged from his parents since before Ethan and I were born. I don’t know what went down, but I know it took a lot for him to swallow his pride and call them, asking for help.”

  I smile as my grandparents’ faces swim before me. “They’re so lovely. If they were holding any grudge toward Dad, they didn’t show it in front of me. They paid for me to go into a psychiatric facility, and they’re paying for me to come to school here.”

  I glance at the ceiling, struggling to formulate the right words to explain. “Trying to kill myself was hugely selfish, and it would’ve devastated my parents if I died too. I’m so grateful I didn’t succeed but … in a strange way, it’s saved all of us. Dad has a relationship with his parents again. They’ve loaned him the money to set up a doctor’s office, and Mom’s working with him. They’re not arguing anymore, and after a lot of therapy, I’ve turned a corner. I’ve come to terms with my past, and I’m finally looking forward.”

  Skeet kisses me on the cheek. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”

  “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?”

  “Except it’s easier said than done.” Ax squeezes my shoulder.

  “Yeah. It’s one step at a time. And I’m still working through some stuff I need to do. Talking to you was part of it. I hated that I left without any explanation, and I’ve picked up the phone so many times to call you, but I wanted to tell you the truth face to face. And I wanted to be better before reappearing in your lives. I didn’t want to come back with all this baggage.”

  “It wouldn’t have mattered. We’d have welcomed you with open arms anyway.” Skeet pecks my lips softly.

  “I’m glad you’re here and that you’re okay.” Ax presses a kiss to my cheek, and my heart soars.

  I turn to face him, getting lost in those gray-blue eyes of his. “I don’t expect anything, you know.” My eyes probe his. “I didn’t come back here expecting to pick up where we left off. I know a lot of time has passed. I owed you all the truth. I didn’t dare hope for anything else.”

  “And like I told you,” Skeet says, slipping his arm around my waist. “No measure of time apart will change the way I feel about you.” There’s a pregnant pause. “The way we all feel about you.”

  I wait for Ax to say something, but he’s quiet, introspective looking. The longer the silence extends, the more my hope dwindles. Deep down, I was wishing they’d all react like Skeet, but I’ve got to be realistic. I dumped them and disappeared, and it’s not something most guys would get over just like that. “It’s okay,” I tell Ax. “You shouldn’t feel forced into anything, but I would like it if we could be friends.”

  Skeet mutters something under his breath, and Ax pins him with a “butt out” look. “I just need time to process,” Ax proclaims. “But just so there’s no confusion, there’s no way I’m letting you walk away from me again. I’m glad you’re here, Blaire.”

  I grace him with a smile. “I can live with that. Take whatever time you need. I’m just happy to be back with you guys. I’ll take that however I can.”

  “So, what’s the plan?” Skeet asks, brushing my hair aside and planting a delicate kiss on my exposed collarbone. A shiver skates up and down my spine, and delicious tendrils of pleasure whip all over my body.

  “There’s something else I need to do.” My gaze bounces between them. “If we’re going to be back in each other’s lives, then it’s only fair you should know. I’ve unresolved feelings about Ethan. About what he did. And I need to do something about it.”

  “I’m finding it hard to elicit sympathy for the victims now,” Ax honestly admits.

  “If others knew, I bet they’d feel the same,” Skeet agrees.

  I shake my head. “That’s not what I’m talking about.” I pin them with grave looks.

  “Maybe it’s time the truth came out about what they did to you,” Skeet says.

  “What good would it do now?” I ask, my brows climbing to my hairline. “No one would believe it. They’d think I was saying it to try and exonerate my brother. All it would do is throw a spotlight on my family again.”

  “I hate that I agree with you,” Ax says. “But I think you’re right. It’s too late.”

  I grab my bag off the floor and pull out the crumpled letter, passing it to Skeet. “Ethan didn’t want me to tell anyone either, and I tried really hard to abide by his last wishes, but it was the wrong call.” I’m quiet as I watch first Skeet, and then Ax, read Ethan’s last words to me. “I didn’t tell my parents, didn’t tell you, because it felt like I’d be betraying him if I spoke out.” Ax hands me back the letter and I fold it carefully, tucking it back in my bag. “That only added to my guilt. My parents had no clue why Ethan had done that, and I lied to their faces over and over every time they asked me why.”

  I rest my head on Ax’s shoulder. “I fessed up recently after a lot of sou
l searching. Telling them was awful. One of the most harrowing things I’ve had to do, but I’m not sorry they know. All these secrets were tearing my family apart, and it’s good they’re out in the open. But I still don’t know what prompted Ethan to go to school that morning and kill them. I won’t rest until I find out.”

  “Maybe it all just built up and he exploded. It must’ve killed him seeing those guys walk the halls at school knowing what they did to you. It’s not that difficult to understand why he did what he did. If that was Shaz or Sage …”

  “There’s no justification for what Ethan did,” I reply, eyeballing him. “None. Even though they hurt me, they didn’t deserve to die. I might’ve thrown that sentiment out in anger when I was hurting, but I never wanted that. What I need to know is why Ethan did it. Why then? After more than two years? Something triggered him to do it that day, and I have to find out what.”

  “How are you going to do this?” Ax asks.

  Steely determination crosses my face. “I know where I need to start. If anyone knew what was going through Ethan’s head, it’d be Cam.” I look between the guys. “I need to talk to my ex.”

  A hammering on our front door wakes both me and Nina early the following morning.

  “Hold your horses,” Nina hollers, mobilizing faster than me. She crawls out of bed, exiting the bedroom and moseying through our small living area to the door. I sit up, straining my neck to see through the open bedroom door, watching her squint through the peep hole. “Oh my God.” She glances over her shoulder at me, excitement splashing across her face before she returns to the peephole again. She emits a loud squeal. “Holy shit. It’s the quarterback. The one everyone’s talking about on campus.”

  I hop up, adrenaline forcing its way through my sluggish veins. “He’s here for me.”

  Realization creeps across her pretty face. “Oh my God. He’s the third boyfriend, isn’t he?” Nina is already aware of who I am. I told her the second day because I’d rather she heard it from me before gossip spread on campus. She was incredibly understanding and grateful I’d confided in her. It was that moment that cemented the connection between us, and I knew she was someone I could trust to be on my side. I’d told her about the guys last night, but I’d deliberately kept Heath’s name out of it. She was unbelievably excited at the fact I’d dated three best friends at the same time, and her lack of judgment only made me love her more.

  “Yeah,” I admit, opening the door and coming face to face with Heath. His features are twisted in pain, and from his pale skin to the bruising shadows under his eyes, it’s clear he hasn’t slept. I’ve no idea how he got up here, but the last thing I need is our RA discovering him and freaking out. I step aside. “Come in.”

  Nina is perched on the arm of the couch with her mouth hanging open as Heath steps into our space, soaking up all the air in the room. “Hi!” she screeches, unable to contain her excitement.

  “Hey.” His voice is coarse as he acknowledges her briefly before redirecting his attention to me. “Can we, uh, talk somewhere in private?”

  “I’ll go back to bed,” Nina instantly offers, jumping up. “Take as long as you need.” With one last appreciative glance in Heath’s direction, she saunters back to the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

  Tension builds in the room as we stand our ground, staring at one another. The space between us may as well be an ocean. I’m guessing the guys told him the news, but that doesn’t explain why he’s here. His actions, up to this point, have made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

  “Blaire.” His voice is strangled when he eventually speaks, and I’m shocked when a single tear leaks out of the corner of his eye. “I didn’t know,” he whispers. “I didn’t know what you were going through. I …” He opens the window to his soul, and I’m witness to his inner torment. Pain has crept into every nook and cranny of his being, extinguishing the bright light that used to live inside him.

  “Come here.” I hold out my arms. If anyone needs a hug in this moment, it’s the lost, lonely man standing in front of me. “It’s okay.”

  “But it’s not.” More tears stream down his face, and my heart is breaking for him. Judging by the altering expressions fliting across his face, he’s battling some inner war, so I ignore the urge to eliminate the space between us and bundle him into my arms. Instead, I wait him out. It doesn’t take as long as I predicted.

  Resolve smooths out the worried lines on his face as he locks gazes with me a few minutes later. Without any further indecision, he’s crossing the floor, eating up the distance that separates us and snatching me into his arms, clinging to me for dear life.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Heath

  She still smells the same. An intoxicating mix of vanilla and apple blossom. Like summer and innocence and all things good. But that scent is only skin deep. It masks the devastation underneath. I hold her against me more firmly as this unequivocal need to protect her resurfaces. It’s an old sentiment, one I thought I’d left in the past. Losing Blaire was the catalyst for losing myself. And I’ve ambled through my life since.

  “I’m sorry, Blaire,” I whisper into her hair. “For everything you’ve been through, for not having more faith, and for failing you.” I thought I was doing the right thing. Protecting her. Finally standing up to my mother. And, deep down, I believed I was helping Cassie. But I fucked up. And everyone’s paid the price.

  “Stop, Heath.” She runs her hand up and down my spine, and it’s unbelievably comforting. She leans back, tilting her head up so she’s looking me directly in the face. “You didn’t fail me. I’m responsible for my own actions. No one else.”

  “That’s not the way I see it. We should’ve known something was wrong when you upped and left. Instead of helping Thorp and Taylor find you, I fucked my way around campus like I was king of the world.” Shame slaps me in the face. All my mistakes regurgitate in my mind, reminding me of what an idiot I am.

  “Heath.” She grips both sides of my face. “You helped me a lot. All of you did, but I was depressed and carrying a lot of pain, and no one could’ve pulled me out of that. I needed professional help.”

  “The guys said you were in some place?”

  She nods, pulling me over to the couch and pushing me down. “I was in a psychiatric facility for four months. They helped me work through all my feelings, and I see a therapist on a weekly basis now. Most likely, I’ll continue seeing her indefinitely. But I’m cool with that. She’s nonjudgmental, and I feel safe telling her all the weird shit that goes through my brain.”

  She smiles, and her pretty blue eyes sparkle with so much life. Looking back, I don’t know how any of us didn’t see the true extent of her inner misery because it was obvious if we’d only known what to look for.

  “I blamed you,” I blurt. “For all the shit in my life since you left.”

  “I don’t think any less of you for that,” she says, rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. “But I’m worried about you. The guys haven’t said much, but I can see how concerned they are.”

  I slouch on the couch, sighing. “I’ve been a giant asshole. It’s a wonder they haven’t kicked me out of the house.” I turn my head so I’m looking into her beautiful face. The time apart has done nothing to diminish her beauty or the strength of my feelings for her.

  “They love you. You’re like brothers, and I know you were there for Ax when he was going through a rough time. They just want to do the same for you, and I do too if you’ll let me.”

  “I’m not worthy of that devotion.”

  “I think I should be the judge of that.” She twists around, pulling her legs up underneath her body. The movement causes her thin tank to rise over her belly, exposing smooth, tan skin. Lust stirs and my jeans start tightening in the crotch. One look at Blaire was always enough to make me hard as stone, so my current reaction is
nothing new. I shift a little, discreetly adjusting my jeans so she doesn’t notice the expanding bulge down south. “You don’t have to tell me what’s going on with you, but talking these things out works wonders. I speak from experience.”

  “You’ll hate me.” I rub a tense spot between my brows. I didn’t come here to unburden myself. I’m not really sure why I did come here. After the guys filled me in, I just ran out of the house, and my feet somehow found their way here.

  “I could never hate you. Never.” She squeezes my hand.

  I want to get this off my chest, and that’s all the encouragement I need. “After you left with your mom that night, I went to see Cassie. I didn’t need any evidence to prove she was behind the video leak. I was beyond enraged. I told her you’d been assaulted, and she laughed.” A muscle clenches in my jaw. “She actually fucking laughed.” I shake my head at the memory. “I knew she was a malicious bitch, but I still clung to the belief there was a part of her that was still good. That still resembled the girl I’d grown up with.”

  I touch Blaire’s cheek, tracing my fingers over her soft, smooth skin. “I had one more card to play, if you remember.” She nods. “I’d never told her parents about her coke habit, but that night I told them everything. Showed them all the photographic proof I had gathered, so there was no doubt I was telling the truth.”

  I hang my head, shame washing over me. “They were so grateful. They thought I’d her best interests at heart.” I bark out a laugh. “They didn’t realize it was my form of payback. My way of punishing her for what she’d done to you.”

  “What did her parents do?”

  “They sent her to rehab.”

  “I know your motives might not have been pure, but you helped her. You did a good thing.”

  I shake my head slowly, pain spearing through my chest. “I didn’t help her, Blaire.” It’s hard to force these words out of my mouth, but I need to release them. “She met this junkie asshole in rehab. Son of an oil baron with enough money to feed both their habits. The minute she was released, she took off with him. Her parents were devastated. They didn’t know where she was or if she was safe. Five months later, they got a call saying she’d OD’d.” I can scarcely talk over the wedge clogging my throat. “Cassie died Blaire, and that’s all on me.”