by Willow Aster
I stare at him and let what he’s saying sink in. When it does, I shake my head, holding my hand up and then pounding my desk. “No. No, we can’t put her at risk like that. Or risk our own countries, for that matter. I still don’t know where she really stands. How can we risk it either way?”
“We’ll know one way or the other by the information she gives us. It could be the only way.”
“I don’t like it. And you heard her, I’m not sure she’d even be agreeable.”
“If we promise we’ll have protection there too…someone on the inside watching her.”
I blow a long breath out. “I’m sure Farthing will have so many guards on her, she won’t be able to leave her room without it getting back to him.”
Luka leans his head back and stares at the ceiling. “Maybe if she agreed to marry Avaban…”
“What? The fuck, Luka? That’s what started all of this in the first place. So she wouldn’t have to!”
“I’m not saying she actually marries him—although, if it comes to that, we can still get her out of it later—but her father might trust her more if she acts repentant and agrees to marry him. Maybe it will put a halt to all of this at least momentarily, and we can figure out what they’re planning.”
I sigh and nod. “I don’t like it and neither will she.”
“If she’s queen material, she’ll be willing to sacrifice for the greater good.”
I know what he’s saying is true, but everything in me screams to protect her, not put her at further risk.
We stay up all night, hashing everything out with Basile and the guards. My ambassador comes at five in the morning and we discuss the strategy of the army. The troops from Niaps arrive and Luka and I have group chats with the monarchies who are at the biggest risk, should Alidonia attack them. Everyone agrees that they will probably strike Farrow next and are sending backup.
“Have you spoken with your father about any of this?” I ask Luka when we’ve gone over everything until we’re blue in the face.
“No.”
“I think it’d be a good idea. He seems to get chummy with Farthing at the most opportune times. Find out what he knows. Talk to the guards you’ve got on him, see if he could be part of this.”
Luka nods. “You’re right. I’ve put it off all night, but I know you’re right.”
I put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “You should get some rest. I’ll talk to Delilah later this morning and figure out how to best get her home.”
“I can’t sleep, but I’ll take a shower. You should do that too. It’ll help.”
We go our separate ways and an hour later, I’m reaching for more coffee when Delilah walks into the dining room.
She looks exhausted; her eyes are red-rimmed like she’s been crying or up all night. Both probably. It hurts to look at her. The physical draw I feel toward her is still raging through me, especially after that kiss. I feel guilty about the way that I handled things afterward, but I’m still conflicted about her part in all of this.
I man up and do the right thing. “I apologize for how rough I spoke to you last night. It was not my finest moment and I’m ashamed of myself.”
I hold a teacup out for her and she takes it, opting for hot water for tea instead of coffee. I wait for her to say something, but she simply goes through the motions of preparing her tea, still not looking at me.
“Delilah?”
When she still doesn’t look at me, I set my cup down and turn to face her, while she stares down at her teacup sitting on the marble countertop.
“Talk to me,” I whisper.
“That was my first kiss,” she says so softly I barely hear her. She looks up at me then and the look in her eyes sends a knife through my heart. “It’s true I’ve not had many opportunities, being sheltered in the castle all these years, but there have been efforts made by different men in the past. I’ve always managed to avoid it. Last night I didn’t want to avoid it, but you made me wish I had.”
Damn. Her vulnerability crushes me.
“I feel like such an asshole.” I swallow hard and reach out to touch her arm.
She backs up before I can.
“I was trying to say that it was worth it.” She swallows hard. “I’ve decided something.” She drops three sugar cubes in her tea and stirs then takes a sip. “I will return to Alidonia and agree to marry Xang. I refuse to be the cause of a war.”
“Luka mentioned that being the best option, but I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.”
“You don’t really get a say in my life, though, do you?” Her words are sharp stabs and I feel every single one.
“We have sent guards to Alidonia and can make sure someone is watching you.” I put my fist on my forehead and rub the growing headache. “Delilah, give me another day to think about this. I really don’t want to put you in danger. I don’t trust your father.”
“Last night you didn’t trust me either. My father might be a lot of things—I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t know him as well as I thought I did—but he wouldn’t put my life in danger.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I’ll try to find out what they’re planning next and get word to you when I know.”
“I don’t want you to put yourself at risk. Please promise me you won’t and that you’ll watch your back every second,” I say, stepping closer to her.
I reach out and take her hand and this time, she allows it. I rub my thumb over her fingers, memorizing the feel of her silky skin against my callused fingers. She closes her eyes and when she opens them again, she stares at me…the first time she’s looked at me since coming into the room.
“I can’t promise that.” Her voice is quiet resolve. “I have already contacted my father to let him know I’m returning. By text and voicemail—I wasn’t able to get through—but hopefully it was enough warning to safely fly into the province just outside Alidonia. If you can fly me there, I can arrange the rest of the trip.”
I nod in agreement.
She pulls away and walks to the door, leaving her tea behind.
“Delilah—”
She turns and looks at me.
“It was a kiss like no other,” I tell her. “I felt that kiss—” I move until I’m in front of her and I don’t second-guess myself, I put both hands on her cheeks and lean down until my forehead touches hers. “With everything in me,” I whisper. “I don’t know what to do with these feelings I’m having for you. I shouldn’t even be saying this, but knowing I was your first kiss…” I kiss her cheek, first one side and then the next. “It does something to me. I can’t let you go without telling you it meant something to me too.”
“Thank you.” Her voice skates across my skin and she leans up to kiss my cheek too.
And then she’s gone and I feel the gravity of what I’ve just lost.
Chapter Seventeen
Delilah
I practically run back to my room, leaving the clothes Eden let me borrow on the bed. I’m wearing the outfit I escaped in and it sets my nerves on edge, knowing I’m going back into the lion’s den.
Home.
Where is home anymore?
If my father is not who I thought, if my home is not a safe place for me…what am I going back to?
I don’t know and I don’t want to think about it, but it’s there, an ever-present nagging in my skull. It’s time to do my part, whatever it takes, to preserve our kingdoms.
Ten minutes later, someone knocks on the door. I open it and Jadon is standing there, looking like heaven in a blue suit.
“The plane is ready whenever you are. I will escort you most of—”
“I don’t think that’s wise,” I interrupt. “Let someone else take me, please. I can’t let…” I shake my head when my voice cracks. “I don’t want anything to happen to you, Jadon.”
“Well, now you know how I feel.”
As much as it heats my skin to hear those words, it also fills me with dread.
Whatever this is between us is not going anywhere. I don’t even recognize the feelings he invokes in me, but I want it with all my heart…which is why the sooner I get out of here, the better.
“I’m ready to go. I won’t try to talk you out of coming because I might not know you very well, but I do know you’re too stubborn for your own good.” I walk past him, enjoying the smirk he gives me. It feels almost like it did in the beginning, when all we had to worry about was someone finding out we’d met at the Cave of Stars. “Just stay alive, okay?”
“As you wish,” he says. He puts his arm around my waist as we walk down the hall and I want to move in slow motion to prolong the feeling.
Eden and Luka are in the foyer, waiting to say goodbye. At first, I’m not sure how Eden will react to me, but she steps forward and holds out her arms and I step into them for a hug.
“Please stay safe,” she whispers.
I nod, my chest welling with emotion. “I will. You too. Thank you for your kindness to me when I needed it most.”
“It was an honor,” she says.
I have to back away before I’m a puddle of tears and I nod at Luka without saying anything. He trusts me less than Eden and Jadon do and I don’t blame him. The love he has for both of them is evident in everything he does.
The plane ride is quiet and tense. There are three guards flying with us, but they stay in the cockpit, and I don’t even see the pilot. Jadon sits next to me. I’m so on edge, even my skin feels prickly, like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel raw from the inside out, lacking sleep and high on distress. It’s probably a good thing that Jadon and I don’t talk, but knowing this is probably the last chance we’ll ever be in the same vicinity together is killing me inside.
I still want to know everything about him. I want to know his sadness, his triumphs, what motivates his kindness, what fuels the rage that hides just under the surface…until someone he cares about is hurt. Does he care about me or is this just who he is with everyone? The things he said today about our kiss…it matters to me. It meant something to me too. But the anger I saw last night when we found out about King Otto…the way that anger turned on me…I don’t know how to reconcile the two.
I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.
I’m on my way home to marry someone else. A stranger I know even less than Jadon. Someone who filled me with unease within the first minute we met, unlike the man next to me who is supposed to be my enemy.
“Delilah,” Jadon says quietly and goose bumps pop out across my arms. “We only have these hours left together. It’s a long flight—it will feel like forever if you don’t relax. Try to quiet your thoughts. I can feel the tension oozing out of you. I’m afraid you’re going to explode.” He chuckles and I shiver. “What can I do to calm you?”
A few things come to mind. Him kissing me again is at the top of the list. And once I’m imagining his lips on mine, it’s all I can think about.
I don’t want Avaban to be the first man to defile me. That’s what it would be—a defilement.
I turn to him, suddenly more nerve coming over me than I’ve ever known.
“I don’t want to give Avaban any firsts,” I tell him. I turn to him, taking his hand in mine.
He swallows hard and blinks, his jaw tense. “What are you saying?” His voice sounds hoarse and he clears his throat.
“I don’t know why I trust you, but I do. I’m handing my life to a man I don’t know, and I don’t want to give him any part of me that matters. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
He tilts his head and bites the inside of his cheek. “I think I do, but I might need you to spell this out for me.” He turns so he’s facing me and stares at me until I feel the heat rising on my cheeks.
“As I said earlier, you were my first kiss.” I lift my head back and stare at the ceiling of the plane. “Why is this so hard to say? I want you to be my first…everything,” I whisper.
His pupils dilate and darken, the lust in them making my breath catch in my throat. He doesn’t speak for a long time and I start to get restless, afraid he’s going to turn me down. But finally, he says, “Are you sure about this? I don’t want you to have any regrets—”
I put my fingers over his lips to pause his words and he kisses my fingers. He takes my hand in his and kisses down the inside of my wrist and then stands up. I stand up too, but I’m shaky, and he steadies me first before turning and walking toward the bedroom in the back, my hand in his.
He closes the door behind us and we stand for a moment, just looking at each other. He’s right, I do feel like I’m going to explode soon from nerves.
“We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” he starts, looking at me with apprehension. “I don’t have any condoms.” He looks shy. “I’m clean, and I’ve never had sex without a condom…but we can do other things.”
“I want it all.” My voice comes out bolder than I expected and I grin sheepishly, giving a slight shrug when he starts grinning back.
“You do, huh?” he taunts. “I’ll pull out then.” He presses his lips together. “This is really happening then?”
“I hope so.”
His eyes track down my body slowly, as if he’s allowing himself to truly see me for the first time. I wish I was wearing something sexier than this black sweatshirt and pants that were meant to hide me in the dark. He doesn’t seem to mind, his tongue reaching out to trace his lower lip.
I pull the sweatshirt over my head, wanting to speed this up, and he puts his arm out to stop me when I start to take off my pants.
“Let me,” he says. He undoes the button on my pants and slides the zipper down so slowly, my heart starts to gallop out of my chest. When he gets on his knees in front of me, my mouth drops and he lowers my pants until they drop to the floor. He stares at my lacy panties and gives them a tug, lifting his eyes to look at me for a second. “I’ll need to keep these.” They drop to the floor and he buries his face into me then, his breath skating across my most delicate places.
“Jadon,” I whisper.
“Let’s pretend there’s no one left on this earth but the two of us right here, right now,” he says, kissing me in places I’m too embarrassed to think about, but it feels so good I never want him to stop. “I want to make you feel so good you never forget that I was right here.” He plants a kiss on the inside of my thigh and I tremble. “Or here.” He moves to my center and flicks his tongue across me in a way that makes my knees buckle. He chuckles against me and holds me steady. “Lie back on the bed. I’m going to taste you until you’re screaming my name…”
He stands up and gives me a nudge and I fall back on the bed.
“I got ahead of myself.” He looks at my bra and grins, his teeth clenching his bottom lip as he undoes the clasp. He takes a deep breath when I toss the bra off of the bed. “You’re even more beautiful than I imagined. And I’ve imagined you every day since we met.” His eyes crinkle with his smile and I think he is so gorgeous it makes my chest squeeze.
He bends down and takes my nipple between his teeth, tugging it and then flicking it with his tongue to soothe. He does it again and again, until my back is arching and I’m leaning into his touch, trying to pull his body on top of mine. He insists on taking his time and I want all of him, now. He gives each breast equal attention and when his hands start wandering down my body and land between my legs, I moan.
“Jadon,” I cry, more insistent. His fingers move faster as he rubs and flicks, and when they drive into me, my head falls back and I think I’ve seen heaven. But he’s not done, he keeps going until my whole body is trembling, his fingers dipping in and out, faster and faster. I start to feel like I’m losing control and then I really am, my eyes rolling back as I give in to the waves that take over.
“So sweet,” he says, kissing down my chest and then to the place his fingers just were. I lean my head up, slightly mortified to see him down there after I just exploded, but he looks up at me like he�
�s right where he wants to be. He starts flicking faster and I’m already so tender, it sends me over the edge again.
I moan his name over and over, not wanting to ever forget the way this feels, the way he makes me feel. “Thank you,” I cry, going limp.
He wipes his mouth and kisses up my body, until he’s leaning over me with a grin I haven’t seen on him before. I laugh, covering my eyes with embarrassment and he moves my hands, leaning down to kiss me.
“I should be thanking you,” he whispers. “I loved every second of that.”
“So did I.” I don’t even sound like myself. My voice sounds like a sex kitten and I giggle when I think about what we’ve just done. And I still want more. I unbutton his shirt and he stops me before I pull it off.
“Are you really sure about this?” He has that concerned look on his face again and I frown.
“Do you not want me?”
He’s leaning over me again in the next second. “How can you think that? Did I not just show you how much I want you?”
“You’re doing me a favor.”
He laughs so hard, the sound bounces across the bedroom, and I’m sure they can hear him all the way in the cockpit.
“Oh, sweet Delilah,” he rubs against me, his pants still on, but I have little doubt of what I’m feeling, “I want this more than I want my next breath…” He kisses me hard and I lose myself in it, every sensation on overload.
He undoes his pants and pulls them off, his mouth never leaving mine. His fingers reach between my legs again and he smiles when he feels how wet I am.
When I feel his bare skin against me, I groan. “You feel so good,” I whisper.
He inches in, just a tiny bit, and my eyes widen.
“We’ll take this slowly,” he says.
He feels huge and I don’t know how this is going to work, but when he starts kissing me again, he’s able to go a little deeper each time. It stings and he pauses here and there when he can tell it’s too much. But then it starts to feel good again, almost from one second to the next, like magic. I relax and let my hands explore the planes of his back, the muscles in his arms, and when he starts to drive into me faster and faster, I wrap my legs around him and give everything back to him, my body instinctively knowing what to do.