by Jessa York
“I hope so,” she said, sounding the most defeated I’d ever heard her.
“Guess what?”
“What?”
“I’m taking you surfing tomorrow.”
She giggled into my chest, making me smile at the same time. “I think that’s possibly the worst idea ever.”
“Just try. It’s an amazing experience everyone should have at least once.”
“You know I’ll end up falling and hurting myself, right?”
“It’s water. Water is soft. Give me an hour, then you can go back to lying on the beach.”
“I don’t know. I think—”
I cut her off. “I’ve compromised on some shit, correct?” I said, because I fucking had.
“Yeah.”
“All I’m asking for is one hour of your time. Do you think you could give me that?” My arm squeezed her tighter to me.
I could feel her body stop breathing. “I can give you an hour.”
“Good. Now let’s shower and get a drink down in the lounge. Wear that skimpy thing.”
“Everything I brought is skimpy.”
“I know,” I told her. “Let’s stay here forever,” I muttered into her neck, making her wiggle in my arms.
“Try again.”
“It’s been over an hour,” she said, frustrated at her lack of progress.
“You’re doing great. It’s a balancing act. It just takes practice,” I told her, trying my best to encourage her. She really was catching on. It’s just a steep learning curve to get up on your board all by yourself.
“Bull, look at all those other people out there. They’re doing way better than me. I look like an idiot out here.”
“This is your own race. Nobody here’s going to make you feel stupid. You’re doing that all on your own. Yeah, you’ve got to share the ocean, but you’re also alone. This is your own game. You do as much or as little as you want. Ten more minutes and I guarantee you’ll be up on your own.” I held her chin with my thumb and forefinger before leaning down to give her a quick kiss.
“You’re crazy. Why won’t you let me quit? I clearly suck at surfing.”
“I want to share this feeling with you. There’s nothing like it—just you, the board, and the ocean. Complete serenity.”
“You’re quite persuasive when you want to be, you know that?”
I laughed manically at that. “Me? I’d say you own the title of most persuasive. Now stop stalling and try again,” I said, bossing her into lying back down on her board to give it another go.
Half an hour later, we were farther out. Vivienne had more than gotten the feel of how to get her balance. All she needed to do now was get a feeling for when to say when. That only took a few decades or so to learn.
“It’s so quiet out here,” she remarked to me. I was thrilled she was beginning to see my point.
“Yep. You ready to give it a go?”
She glanced at me nervously. “I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Cowards die many times before their deaths.”
“You’re talking about death out here in the middle of the ocean?”
That made me chuckle. Fuck, she was funny. “That’s from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. We die a little inside every time we give up.”
“Hmm, better inside than outside.”
My body shook as I howled at her joke.
“I’m serious. This is scary out here.”
“It’s scary, but it’s also peaceful and beautiful. Rarely do you get anything good in life with little or no risk. You can do this, baby. I believe in you,” I said, getting ready to paddle out away and catch a nice-looking wave.
“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” she said, her voice cracking with concern.
I turned my head back. “You’ve got this. You don’t need anyone to tell you what to do.”
Vivienne
That asshole just left me stranded in the middle of the goddamn ocean by myself. If I didn’t die out here, I was going to kill him. With my luck, sharks would start circling any minute.
Shit. Why did I have to watch Jaws so many times?
I continued sitting on my board, watching the other surfers successfully take wave after wave, while I sat here. Left behind. Nobody was coming to my aid. They were all in their own little worlds. Jason was right.
No way I’d admit it to him, but this was actually really fun. After I finally learned how to get up by myself, everything else fell into place. This was a much bigger deal now, even though I wasn’t out as far as the ultimate pros.
The swaying motion of the water beneath me soothed my current worries. It rocked me like a mother would her own child. That imagery brought emotions bubbling up from somewhere down deep, tears falling on their own free will.
What if I could never have a baby? What if Jason left me because I’d scared him off with my ridiculous two month ultimatum? Who the hell gave someone two months to decide if they wanted to make such a life-changing decision?
If he did leave, what made me think I could raise a kid all by myself? Children were a lot of work. How would I fit in work and kids with only me around to raise them?
I sniffed, wiping my eyes with my hand. God, I was such a complete coward. Again, Jason was right. A baby was my goal right now. Here I was, ready to give up before I even tried.
You know what? Fuck the doctors. Fuck my doubts. And fuck surfing. If that seventy year old woman I just watched could do this, I could, too.
“That was amazing,” I screamed as Jason greeted me near the shore. His arms wrapped around me as we both laughed.
“I knew you could do it.” His eyes were full of elation before he focused on my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Wrong? Nothing. I want to go again. Hurry,” I said, pulling his hand. We paddled out to about the same distance as before. I sat up, wringing my wet hair with my hands.
Suddenly, a very hot guy sprang out of the water, straddling my board with me. “What the hell?” I held onto the sides for dear life. “Are you trying to drown me?” I asked incredulously.
“Nope, I just want to know why you were crying,” he said in the sweetest man voice ever. “Shit, I shouldn’t have left you alone out here. I’m sorry.” His fingers smoothed down my hair.
“It was the best thing for me. Thank you. I had time to think things over, cry, say fuck the world, and take a chance.”
The gorgeous smile that flitted across his face made my heart stutter. That smile was just for me.
“That’s great news. I’m happy for you. You sure you’re okay?” he asked, still concerned. His eyes followed his fingers as he trailed them down the side of my face.
I reached up to grab his hands. “I’m great. Thanks for taking me out here. I would never have done this on my own.” He bent forward, taking my lips in the sweetest of kisses. “I love you. But you need to get off now. There’s a Vivienne-sized wave coming up.”
“Are you kicking me off your board?” he asked, feigning shock.
“You bet,” I said, giving him an extra shove to hurry him up. I lay down, paddling into the small wave, just how Jason taught me.
I wasn’t the best, and I certainly wasn’t as graceful as the rest of these people out here.
But I also wasn’t a coward.
28
Jason
Two weeks. That was all the time I had left to decide what to do. The past six weeks weren’t without incident, but they were also the best of my fucking life. Coming “home” to her every day after work was something I never thought I’d have.
Most of the time she’d have supper on the go already. I loved walking into her house, the delicious smell of cooking food wafting up to greet me as soon as I opened the door. We hung out at her place most of the time since my apartment freaked her out.
I used the key Vivienne gave me to unlock the front door, wondering what aroma would hit me. Ribs? Roast? I wasn’t picky. I liked it all.
Hmm, nothing. Guess she hadn’t
gotten around to starting supper yet. “Hi,” I said, spotting her immediately sitting at her gargantuan kitchen table. She had files upon files opened in front of her. You couldn’t even see the wood underneath.
“Hi, sorry I haven’t started supper yet,” she said, not even lifting her head.
“This is a ton of work. I can cook while you finish,” I said, then stopped dead once I spotted what she was looking at. “That’s not work.” My heart stopped.
“No, I have to go through this tonight. My appointment is tomorrow, and I have to tell the doc who to use.”
Who to use. Who to use. Was it possible for your brain to explode? Because I was pretty sure mine did. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
“What’s your problem?” She finally peered up at me. Nice to have her attention.
“Sperm donors? You’re choosing fucking sperm donors?” I barely held a grasp on the tiny thread of patience I had left for this shit.
“Yeah. I have to make up my mind by tomorrow’s appointment.”
Snap. The thread broke.
“I don’t think so, Vivienne. Jesus, what are you even thinking?” My body and hands ferociously moved without my own volition. I seized man after fucking man, splayed out for all the world to see. They needed to be gone.
Papers flew this way and that as I attacked every last asshole on the table, stuffing them into my arms. No way would I allow this shit to happen.
Like some kind of possessed demon, I stormed to the back patio doors, swinging them open. One step, two steps, then I flung the mess of papers over the dirt filled yard.
“Uh, are you okay?” Vivienne asked cautiously, standing in the doorway, probably too scared to come out.
“Am I okay?” I turned my head to shoot her a murderous look.
“Yeah. You seem kind of…”
“Insane? Crazy? Mad as fucking hell?”
“That’s pretty accurate,” she said, nodding slowing.
“Really? I’m not allowed to lose my shit when I come home and see my girlfriend picking out which man she’s going to have a baby with? Do you honestly think I would allow you to put another man’s sperm inside of you?” I spat out with as much distaste as possible.
“Just thinking about that makes me sick. We’ve just spent the best month and a half of my life together, and now you’re going to waltz into to the doctor, pick a number, and get them to fill up your pussy with some asshole’s sperm?” I placed my hands on my head, attempting to hold it together. The vein on the side of my neck throbbed.
“Can you come inside the house now? Maybe my neighbors don’t need to hear this conversation,” she said, sounding pissed. Turning her saucy ass around, she whisked her way back inside.
I stood there for a few minutes, glancing at the mess I’d caused. The men on the papers stared back at me with mocking smiles on their faces. Bastards.
“Sit,” was all she said, curled up into a ball on her couch.
“I freaked out a bit.”
“Oh, you did more than that. Thanks to you, everyone in a three block radius now knows I’m being artificially inseminated.”
“Vivienne, I…” I tried to explain.
“You know I’m doing this. I laid everything out onto the table for you six weeks ago. It’s no surprise.”
“Walking in, seeing you staring at all those men, fuck. I couldn’t deal with that.”
“You need to deal with it.”
I snorted out my nose, narrowing my gaze on her. “No, I don’t.”
“You’re leaving me?”
“I’m not leaving you. You’re going to use my sperm,” I blurted out, realizing that there really was no other option. The entire time, I knew I’d be the father of Vivienne’s baby. “Holy shit. Did I just say that?” I collapsed onto the couch, my knees ready to give out.
Tentatively, Vivienne said, “Yeah, you said it. But did you mean it?”
I frowned at the woman. “Of course, I meant it.”
“You don’t have to do this, you know. It’s a big—”
“I said I was going to help you make a baby. I figured you’d be happy.”
Her body unfolded before she stood up, slinking cautiously over to me. “Are you—”
I grabbed her hand, pulling her down to me. “I love you. I want to be the father of your baby. Will you let me do that?”
We stared into each other’s eyes, unblinking, scared I’d miss something. The most beautiful, glowing smile crossed her face. “Nothing would make me happier.” She dove onto me, kissing my mouth with a flailing madness that made me laugh.
She shoved back from me. “Why are you laughing? You just agreed to make a baby with me?”
“The way you’re reacting is hilarious. Like you want to eat me or something.” I kept chuckling, unable to stop.
“Well, I did want to eat you, but not so much anymore.” She crossed her arms.
“No, don’t be mad. It’s just fucking cute. Come here,” I said, kissing her soft mouth again.
Vivienne
“All right, and you’ve been using condoms?” The doctor looked at me over the top of her reading glasses. Oh shit.
“We…”
“Vivienne bought condoms, yes,” Jason replied, saving my ass from some serious awkwardness. He squeezed my hand.
We had most assuredly not been using condoms. After Jason’s initial reaction when I brought up using a barrier method, he actually said he’d use them if I really wanted him to.
I didn’t. Feeling the smooth, skin-to-skin of us was important to me. If he was all right with it, I wasn’t one to complain.
“Good. Now, Jason, is it?” She lowered her glasses even farther.
“Yes.”
“Jason, you’ll need to abstain from activity for a few days at least before your donation.”
“Activity? I can’t work?” he asked. It hit my funny bone so hard, I started giggling. It was one of those giggles you shouldn’t submit to because of the inappropriate timing of laughing in the office of someone who not only went to school for a couple of decades but looked the way she did.
Dr. Kavacoli was hot. Smokin’ hot. Tall, dark, and gorgeous. If I weren’t so intimidated, I’d ask her how she got her black hair so silky.
Anyway, trying my best to hold in my laughter didn’t work. It escaped in a burst of embarrassment. Both of them looked to me as my cheeks reddened.
“From all sexual activity,” Dr. K. specified.
“Oh, gotcha,” he said, then turned to me, saying in a hushed voice, “Are you going to be okay?”
All I could do was nod.
“Fine, I think that covers things on my end. Any questions?”
Jason cleared his throat. “What are the chances of this working? With Vivienne’s issues, I mean.”
Dr. K. pursed her lips together, removing her glasses in one dramatic movement. “It’s not great, Jason. Vivienne has chosen this as a first line of treatment. My recommendation was to begin IVF immediately. Unfortunately, I’ve seen very little success with insemination on women with the same condition.” She pushed away from her desk, standing up with all the grace of a runway model. “That said, you just never know. We can’t lose hope.”
29
Vivienne
“Everything went really well. They want to come in to take a tour of the warehouse and meet with you,” I told Dean over the Bluetooth in my car while I was driving.
“Good job, Vivienne. Well done. When did you set the meeting up for?”
“Tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be there to make introductions, then I have to take off for the Hernandez farm. I promised I’d visit and they want to go over a few things with me.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you later.” He disconnected.
It was turning into a hot, humid day. I had the AC on full blast, but it wasn’t helping much. I still felt sticky and sweaty. I took a quick peek in the mirror to make sure my makeup hadn’t melted off when I spotted his car—Jason driving two lane
s over. I attempted to wave and get his attention, but he wasn’t looking.
He put his signal on to turn right. For some reason, I decided to follow him. A move I would later regret with all my heart.
We traveled down a residential area before he turned into an elementary school parking lot. What the heck was he doing at a school? Like a crazy stalker, I parked on the street, far enough away so he wouldn’t see me. Out he got, carrying a bag with him that looked fairly full. Watching in shock, he sauntered around to the front doors of the school. What was going on?
I stayed in my car until I couldn’t stand it anymore. Curiosity got the best of me. Sneaking into the school was easier than I thought it would be. A mom and her kid were leaving, so I took advantage of the situation, holding the door open for them. He looked around ten years old, ice pack to his head, shoelaces undone. All I could hear his mom say in passing was, “Why can’t you be more careful and watch where you’re going?” Hmm. I smiled, as they passed by. No matter how much I wanted to tie the poor lad’s shoelaces, I refrained.
Barely.
Slowly, I looked around for any signs of Jason, trying my best to be quiet, scared that security would find me and throw me out. The office was empty as I tiptoed through.
Every school memory came flooding back with force as the familiar wall of “school smell” hit me. That special mix of gym socks, antiseptic, body odor, and old bananas. I didn’t know how teachers could stand it.
Careful not to touch anything, I rounded the corner and stopped dead. There was Jason talking to a pretty young redhead. She was flipping her hair over her shoulder in the age old body language, which meant bend me over. The anger I felt in my stomach grew until it exploded when she touched his arm, then reached up and hugged him. What. The. Hell.
He hugged her back, smiling down at her. She was one of those annoyingly tiny, pert women who was full of energy and giggles. I could hear her musical laughter from here. It made me want to rip her face off.