by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XIII
A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE
Is it for sordid pelf that horses race? Or can it be the glory that they go for? Neither; they know the steed that shows best pace Will get his flogging all the sooner over!
_Reflection at a Racecourse.--H. B. J._
The Duchess, seeing that her plot was foiled by the unexpected arrivalof Mr Bhosh, made the frantic endeavour to hedge herself behind anotherbet of a million sterling to a monkey that _Milky Way_ was to come offconqueror--but in vain, since none of the welshers would concede suchvery long odds.
So, wrapping her features in a veil of feminine duplicity, she advancedswimmingly to meet Mr Bhosh. "How lucky that you have arrived on theneck of time!" she said. "And you have ridden all the way from town?Tell me now, would not you and your dear horse like some refreshmentafter so tedious a journey?"
"Madam," said Mr Bhosh, bowing to his saddle-bow, while his opticsremained fixed upon the Duchess with a withering glare. "We are nottaking any--from _your_ hands."
This crushing sarcasm totally abashed the Duchess, who perceived that hehad penetrated her schemes and crept away in discomfiture.
After this incident _Milky Way_ was subjected to the ordeal of tryingher weight, which she passed with honours. For--very fortunately as itturned out--the twenty-four hours' starvation which she had endured asleft luggage had reduced her to the prescribed number of _maunds_, whichshe would otherwise have infallibly exceeded, since Mr Bhosh, being asyet a tyro in training Derby cracks, had allowed her to acquire asuperfluous obesity.
Thus once more the machinations of the Duchess had only benefited thevery individual they were intended to injure!
But it remained necessary to hire a practical jockey, since CadwalladerPerkin was still lamenting in dust and ashes at home, so Mr Bhosh ranabout from pillow to post endeavouring to borrow a rider for _MilkyWay_.
Owing, probably, to the Duchess's artifices, he encountered nothing butrefusals and pleas of previous engagement--until, at the end of thetether of his patience, he said: "Since my mare cannot compete in ariderless condition, I myself will assume command and steer her tovictory!"
Upon which gallant speech the entire air became darkened by clouds ofupthrown hats and shouts of "Bravo, Bindabun!"
But upon this the pertinacious Duchess lodged the objection that he wasnot in correct toggery, and that, even if he still retained his tallhat, it would be contrary to etiquette to ride the Derby in a frockcoat.
"Where are his racing colours?" she demanded.
"_Here!_" cried Mr Bhosh, pulling forth the cream and sky-blue silkenjacket and cap from his pockets, and, discarding his frock coat, heassumed the garbage of a jockey in the twinkle of a jiffy.
"I protest," then cried the undaunted Duchess, "against such cruelty toanimals as racing an overblown mare so soon after she has galloped fromLondon!"
"Your stricture is just, O humane and distinguished lady," responded thejudge, who had conceived a violent attachment to _Milky Way_ and herowner, "and I will willingly postpone the race for an hour or two untilthe horse has recovered her breeze."
"Quite unnecessary!" said Bindabun. "My mare is not such a weakling asyou imagine, and will be as fit as a flea after she has imbibed one ortwo champagne bottles."
And his prediction was literally fulfilled, for the champagne soonrendered _Milky Way_ playful as a kitten. Mr Bhosh ascended into hissaddle; the other horses were drawn up in single rank; the starterbrandished his flag--and the curtain rose on such a race as has,perhaps, never been equalled in the annals of the Derby.
The rival cracks were named as follows:----_Topsy Turvey_, _Poojah_,_Brandy Pawnee_, _Tiffin Bell_, _Tripod_, _Cui Bono_, _BritishJurisprudence_ and _Roseate Smell_. The betting was even on the field.
_Poojah_ was a large tall horse with a nude tail, but excessivelynimble; _Tripod_, on the contrary, was a small cob of sluggish habitsand needing to be constantly pricked; _Tiffin Bell_ was a piebald ofgoodly proportions; and _Roseate Smell_ was of same sex as _Milky Way_,though more vixenish in character.
Not long after the start Mr Bhosh was chagrined to discover that he wasall behindhand, and he almost despaired of overtaking any of hisfore-runners. Moreover, he was already oppressed by painful soreness,due to so constantly coming in contact with the saddle during his ridefrom London--but "in for a penny, in for a pound of flesh," and heplodded on, and soon had the good luck to recapture some of his lostground.
It was the old fabulous anecdote of the Hare and the Tortoise. First ofall, _Topsy Turvey_ was tripped up by a rabbit's hole; then _RoseateSmell_ leaped the barrier and joined the spectators, while _Tripod_sprained his offside ankle. Gradually Mr Bhosh passed _Brandy Pawnee_,_Cui Bono_, and _British Jurisprudence_, until, on arriving at TottenhamCourt Corner, only _Tiffin Bell_ and _Poojah_ remained in the running.
_Tiffin Bell_ became so discouraged by the near approach of _Milky Way_that he dwindled his pace to a paltry trot, so Mr Bhosh was easilyenabled to defeat him, after which by Cyclopean efforts he urged hismare until she and _Poojah_ were cheek by jowl.
For some time it was the dingdong race between a hammer and tongs!
Still, as the quadrupeds ploughed their way on, _Poojah_ churlishlyrefused to give _place aux dames_, and _Milky Way_ began to drop to therear. Seeing that she was utterly incompetent to accelerate her speedand therefore in imminent danger of being defeated, Chunder Bindabun hadthe happy inspiration to make an appeal to the best feelings of therival jockey, whose name was Juggins.
"Juggins!" he wheezed in an agonised whisper, "I am a poor nativeIndian, totally unpractised in Derby riding. Show me some magnanimousaction, and allow _Milky Way_ to take first prize, Juggins!"
But Mr Juggins responded that he earnestly desired that _Poojah_ shouldobtain said prize, and applied a rather severe whipsmack to his willinghorse.
"My mare is the favourite, Juggins!" pleaded Mr Bhosh. "By defeating heryou will land yourself in the bad odour of the _oi polloi_. Have youconsidered that, Juggins?"
Juggins's only reply was to administer more whip-smacks, but ChunderBindabun persevered. "Consider my hard case, Juggins! If I am beaten, Ilose both a _placens uxor_ and the pot of money. If, on the other hand,I come in first at the head of the winning pole I promise to share myentire fortune with you!"
Upon this, the kind-hearted and venial equestrian relented, warmlyprotesting that he would rather be a _proxime accessit_ and secondfiddle than deprive another human being of all his earthly felicity, andaccordingly he reined in his impetuous courser with such consummateskill that _Milky Way_ forged ahead by the length of a nose.
Thus they galloped past the Grand Stand, and, as Mr Bhosh gazed upwardsand descried the elegant form of the Princess Petunia standing upon thetopmost roof, he was so exalted with jubilation that he elevatedhimself in his stirrups; and waving his cap in a chivalrous salute,cried out: "Hip-hip-hip! I am ramping in!"
"Then," I hear the reader exclaim, "it is all over, and _Milky Way_ isvictorious."
Please, my honble friend, do not be so premature! I have not _said_ thatthe race was over. There are still some yards to the judge's bench, andit is always on the racing cards that _Poojah_ may prove the winnerafter all.
Such inquisitive curiosity shall be duly satisfied in the next chapter,which is also the last.