by F. Anstey
CHAPTER XIV
A GRAND FINISH
Happy Aurora is a happy Aurora! Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip, Hurrah! Hurrah!
_Dr Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong)._
On the summit of the Grand Stand might have been observed groups ofspectators eagerly awaiting the finish. Conspicuous amongst them werePrincess Petunia (most sumptuously attired) and her parent,Merchant-prince Jones; and close by Duke and Duchess Dickinson,following the classic contest through binocular glasses.
"_Poojah_ will prove to be the winner!... No, it is _Milky Way_!... Theyare neck or nothing! It will be a deceased heat!" exclaimed the excitedpopulaces.
And the beauteous Petunia was as if seated upon the spike of suspense,since Mr Bhosh's success was a _sine qua non_ to their union. Suddenlycame the glad shout: "The Favourite takes the cake with a canter!" andDuchess Dickinson became pallid with anguish, for, rich as she was, shecould ill afford to become the loser of a cool million.
The shout was strictly veracious, for Mr Bhosh was ruling the roast byhalf-a-head, and _Poojah_ was correspondingly behind. "_Macte virtute!_"cried Princess Petunia, in the silvery tones of a highly-bred bell,while she violently agitated her sun-umbrella: "O my beloved Bindabun,do not fall behind at eleven o'clock!"
And, as though in answer to this appeal (which he did not overhear), shebeheld her triumphant suitor saluting the empress of his soul withuplifted jockey-cap.
Alack! it was the fatal piece of politeness; since, to avoid fallingoff, he was compelled to moderate the speed of his racer whileperforming it, and Juggins, either repenting his good-nature, or unableany longer to restrain the impetuosity of _Poojah_, was carried firstpast the winning-pole, Mr Bhosh following on _Milky Way_ as the badsecond!
At this the Princess Petunia emitted a doleful scream; like Freedom,which, as some poet informs us, "squeaked when Kockiusko (a Japanesegentleman) fell," and suspended her animation for several minutes, whilethe Duchess "grinned a horrible ghastly smile," as described by PoetMilton in _Paradise Lost_, at Mr Bhosh's shocking defeat and her owngain of a million, though all true sportsmen present deeply sympathisedwith our hero that he should be thus wrecked in sight of port on accountof an ordinary act of courtesy to a female!
But Mr Bhosh preserved his withers as unwrung as though he possessed thehide of a rhinoceros. "Honble Sir," said he, addressing the Judge, "Ihumbly beg permission to claim this Derby race and lodge an objectionagainst my antagonist."
"On what grounds?" was the naturally astonished rejoinder.
"On the grounds," deliberately replied Chunder Bindabun, "that hesurreptitiously did pull his horse's head."
Juggins was too dumbfoundered to reply to the accusation, and severalspectators came forward to testify that they had personally witnessedhim curbing his steed, and--it being contrary to the _lex non scripta_of turf etiquette to pull at a horse's head when he is winning--Jugginswas very ignominiously plucked by the Jockey's Club.
The Duchess made the desperate attempt to argue that, if Juggins was apot, Mr Bhosh was a kettle of equally dark complexion, since he also hadreined up before attaining the goal--but Chunder Bindabun was ableeasily to show that he had done so, not with any intention to forfeithis stakes, but merely to salute his betrothed, whereas Juggins hadpulled to prevent his horse from achieving the conquest.
So, to Mr Bhosh's inexpressible delight, the Derby Cup, full as an eggwith golden sovereigns, was awarded to him, and the notorious blueribbon was pinned by the judge upon his proud and heaving bosom.
But, as he was reverting, highly elated, to the side of his belovedamidst the acclamations of the multitude, the disreputable Juggins hadthe audacity to pluck his elbow and demand the promised _quid pro quo_.
"For what service?" inquired Chunder Bindabun in amazement.
"Why, did you not promise me the moiety of your fortune, honble Sir,"was the reply, "if I allowed you to be the winner?"
Mr Bhosh was of an exceptionally mild, just disposition, but such apiece of cheeky chicanery as this aroused his fiercest indignation andrendered him cross as two sticks. "O contemptible trickster!" he said,in terrific tones, "my promise (as thou knowest well) was on conditionthat I was first past the winning-pole. Whereas--owing to thy perfidy--Iwas only the bad second. Do not attempt to hunt with the hare andrun with hounds. Depart to lower regions!"
THE NOTORIOUS BLUE RIBBON WAS PINNED BY THE JUDGE UPON HIS PROUD AND HEAVING BOSOM (Illustration VIII)]
And Juggins slinked into obscurity with fallen chops.
Benevolent and forbearing readers, this unassuming tale is near its_finis_. Owing to his brilliant success at the Derby, Mr Bhosh was nowrolling on cash, and, as the prediction of the Astrologer-Royal wasfulfilled, there was no longer any objection to his union with thePrincess Jones, with whom he accordingly contracted holy matrimony, andnow lives in great splendour at Shepherd's Bush, since all his friendsearnestly besought him that he was not to return to India. He thereforenaturalised himself as a full-blooded British, and further adopted acoat-of-arms from the Family Herald, with a splendidly lofty crest, andthe motto "_Sans Peur et Sans Reproche_." ("Not being funky myself, I donot reproach others with said failing"--_free translation_.)
But what of the wicked Duchess? I have to record that, being unable topay the welsher her bet of a million pounds, she was solemnlypronounced a bankruptess and incarcerated (by a striking instance of thetit-for-tat of Fate) in the identical Old Bailey cell to which she hadconsigned Chunder Bindabun!
And in her case the gaoler's fair daughter, Miss Caroline, did notexhibit the same softheartedness. Mr Bhosh and his Princess-bride, beingboth of highly magnanimous idiosyncrasies, for some time visited theirrelentless foe in her captivity, carrying her fruit and flowers andsweets of inexpensive qualities, but were received in such a cold,standoffish style that they soon discontinued such thankless civilities.
As for _Milky Way_, she is still hale and flourishing, though she hasnever since displayed the phenomenal speed of her first (and probablyher last) Derby race. She may often be seen in the vicinity ofShepherd's Bush, harnessed to a small basketchaise, in which are Mr andMrs Bhosh and some of their blooming progenies.
Here, with the Public's kind permission, we will leave them, andalthough this trivial and unpretentious romance can claim no meritexcept its undeviating fidelity to nature, I still venture to thinkthat, for sheer excitement and brilliancy of composition, &c, it will befound, by all candid judges, to compare rather favourably with moreshowy and meretricious fictions by overrated English novelists.
END OF A BAYARD FROM BENGAL.
_N.B.--I cannot conscientiously recommend the Indulgent Reader to proceed any further--for reasons which, should he do so, will be obvious. H. B. J._
THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH
FREELY RENDERED INTO ENGLISH FROM THE ORIGINAL STYPTIC WITH INTRODUCTIONAND NOTES BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A.
INTRODUCTION
I shall begin by begging that it may not be supposed either that _I_ amthe Author or even the Translator of the appended fables!
The plain truth of the matter is that I am far indeed from standing agogwith amazement at their literary or other excellences, and inclinedrather to award them the faint damnation of a very mediocre eulogy.
But it so happens that the actual translator is the same young Englishfriend who kindly furnished me with a few selected poetic extracts formy Society novel, and has earnestly entreated me (as the _quid proquo_!) to compose an introduction and notes for his own effusion,alleging that it is a _sine qua non_ nowadays for all first classClassics to be issued with introduction, notes and appendix by someliterary knob--otherwise they speedily become obsolete and still-born.
Therefore I readily consented to oblige him, although I am no _au fait_in the Styptic dialect, and cannot therefore be held answerable for theaccuracy of my friend's translation, which he admits himself is o
f arather free description.
Of the Philosopher who composed these Proverbs or Fables little isknown, even in his own country, except that (as all Scholiasts areaware) he was born on the 1st of April 1450 (old style), and for someyears filled the important and responsible post of Archi-mandrake ofParaprosdokian. He probably met with a violent end.
I shall not undertake to provide a note to _every_ parable, but only incases where I think that the Parabolist is not quite as luminous as thenose on one's face, and needs the services of an experiencedinterpreter. H. B. J.
The Butterfly visited so many flowers that she fell sick of a surfeit ofnectar. She called it "Nervous Breakdown."
* * * * *
"Instead of vainly lamenting over those we have lost," said the youngCuckoo severely, to the Father and Mother Sparrow, "it seems to me thatyou should be rejoicing that _I_ am still spared to you!"
_Note._--A mere plagiaristic adaptation of the trite adage concerning the comparative values of birds in the hand and in the bush.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"I am old enough to be thy Grandfather!" the Egg informed the Chicken.
"In that case," replied the Chicken, "it is high time thou bestirredstthyself!"
"Not so!" said the Egg, "since the longer I remain quiescent, the fitterI shall be for the career that is destined for me."
"Indeed," inquired the Chicken, "and what may _that_ be?"
"_Politics!_" answered the Egg with importance.
And the Chicken pondered long over that saying.
_Note._--I must confess to following the Chicken's precedent, without arriving at any solution. For, logically, an Egg must be the junior of any Chicken. And again, even for parabolical purposes, it is far-fetched to represent an Egg as a potential Member of Parliament. On the whole, I am not entirely satisfied that my young friend is so proficient in acquaintance with Cryptic as he has represented to me.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
There is only one thing that irritateth a woman more than the man whodoth not understand her, and that is the man who doth.
* * * * *
A certain Artificer constructed a mechanical Serpent which was somarvellously natural that it bit him in the back. "Had I but anotherhour to live," he lamented in his last agonies, "I would have patentedthe invention!"
The Woman was so determined to be independent of Man that shevoluntarily became the slave of a Machine.
_Note._--I do not understand the meaning of the Fabulist here.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"She used to be so fresh; but she is gone off terribly since I firstknew her!" said the Slug of the Strawberry.
_Note._--See my remark on the last parable.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"Now, I call that downright Plagiarism!" observed the Ass, when he heardthe Lion roar.
"A cheery laugh goes a long way in this world!" remarked the Hyena.
"But a bright smile goes further still!" said the Alligator, as he tookhim in.
_Note._--If the honble Philosopher is censuring here merely the assumption of hilarity and not ordinary quiet facetiousness, I am entirely with him. But I rather regard him as a total deficient in Humour and fanatically opposed to it in any form.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"I trust I have now made myself perfectly clear?" observed theCuttlefish, after discharging his ink.
* * * * *
The Cockney was assured that, if he placed the Sea-shell to his ear, hewould hear the murmur of Ocean.
But all he caught distinctly was the melody of negro minstrels.
* * * * *
"It is some satisfaction to feel that we have both been sacrificed in athoroughly deserving cause!" said the Brace-button, complacently, to theThreepenny Bit, as they met in the Offertory Bag.
_Note._--This must be some local allusion, for I do not know what sort of receptacle an Offertory Bag may be, or why such articles should be inserted therein.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
Mistrust the Bridegroom who appeareth at his wedding withsticking-plaster on his chin [or "_without_ sticking-plaster," &c.--theStyptic is capable of either interpretation.--_Trans._].
_Note._--Then I will humbly say that it must be a peculiarly elastic tongue. But in _either_ form the Proverb is meaningless.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"What!--My Original dead?" cried the Statue. "Then I have lost allchance of ever becoming celebrated!"
_Note._--This is an obvious mistranslation, since a Statue is only erected when the Original is already celebrated.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"What is your favourite Perfume?" they asked the Hog, and he answeredthem, "Pigwash."
"How vulgar!" exclaimed the Stoat. "_Mine_ is Patchouli!"
But the Fox said that, in _his_ opinion, the less scent one used thebetter.
_Note._--This merely records the well-known physiological fact that some persons are born without the olfactory sense. Emperor Vespasian was accustomed to declare (erroneously) that "pecunia non olet."--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"I wonder they allow such a cruel contrivance as that 'Catch 'em alive,oh!' paper!" said the Spider tearfully, as she sat in her web.
_Note._--From this we learn that there may be a soft spot in the most unpromising quarters. Even Alexander the Great, who spent the blood of his troops like pocket money, is recorded to have wept at a review on suddenly reflecting that all his soldiers would probably be deceased in a hundred years. It is barely possible that Piljosh may have been a spectator of this incident.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
A certain Pheasant was pluming herself upon having become a member ofthe Anti-Sporting League.
"Softly, friend!" said a wily old Cock, "for, should this League ofthine succeed in its object, every man's hand would be against us bothby day and night; whereas, at present, our lives are protected all nightby vigilant keepers, and spared all day by our owner and his guests,who are incapable of shooting for nuts!"
_Note._--This is a glaring _non sequitur_ and fallacy. I myself have never shot for nuts--but it does not necessarily follow that any pheasant would remain intact after I discharged my rifle-barrel!--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"It is not what we _look_ that signifieth," said the Scorpionvirtuously, "it is what we _are_!"
_Note._--True enough--but the moral would have been improved by attributing the saying to some insect of more innocuous character than a Scorpion. Perhaps this is so in the original Styptic, for, as I have said, I cannot repose implicit faith in my young friend's version.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"I have composed the most pathetic poem in the world!" declared thePoet.
"How can'st thou be sure of that," he was asked.
"Because," he replied, "I recited it to the Crocodile, and she could notrefrain from shedding tears!"
* * * * *
"It is gratifying to find oneself appreciated at last," said theCabbage, when the Cigar Merchant labelled him as a Cabana.
* * * * *
"Don't talk to _me_ about Cactus," said the Ostrich contemptuously tothe Camel. "Insipid stuff, _I_ call it! No--for real flavour anddelicacy, give me a pair of Sheffield scissors!"
* * * * *
"The accommodation might be more luxurious,
it's true," remarked thephilosophic Mouse, when he found himself in the Trap, "but, after all,it's not as if I was going to stay here _long_!"
* * * * *
"People tell me he can shine when he chooses," said the Extinguisher ofthe Candle. "All _I_ know is, he's positively dull whenever he's with_me_!"
* * * * *
There was once a Musical Box which played but one tune, to which itsowner was never weary of listening. But, after a time, he desired anovelty, and could not rest until he had exchanged the barrel foranother. However, he sickened of the second tune sooner than of thefirst, and so he exchanged it for a third, which he liked not at all.
Accordingly he commanded that the Box should return to the first tune ofall--and lo! this had become an abomination unto his ears, nor could heconceive how he had ever been able to endure it!
So the Musical Box was laid upon the shelf, and the Owner procured forhimself a cheap mouth-organ which could play any air that was suggestedto it, and thus became an established favourite.
_Note._--This is apparently designed to illustrate the ficklety of the Musical Character.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"_Do_ come in!" snapped the severed Shark's Head to the Ship's Cat. "Asyou perceive, I am carrying on business as usual during thealterations."
* * * * *
The Bulbul had no sooner finished her song than the Bullfrog began tomake profuse apologies for having left his music at home.
* * * * *
To a Butterscotch Machine the Penny and the Tin Disc are alike.
_Note._--Surely not if an official is looking on!--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"My dears," said the Converted Cannibal reverently to his Wife andFamily, as they sat down to their Baked Missionary, "do not let us omitto ask a blessing!"
* * * * *
There is but one Singer whom it is futile to encore--and that is a DyingSwan.
* * * * *
"I am doing a series of 'Notable Nests' for 'Sylvan Society,'" said theinsinuating Serpent, on finding the Ringdove at home, "and I should somuch like to include _you_." "You are very kind," said the Ringdove, ina flutter, "but I can assure you that there is no more in my poorlittle eggs than in any other bird's!" "That may be," replied theSerpent, "but I must live _somehow_!"
* * * * *
"No outsiders there--only just their own particular set!" said theCocksparrow, when he came home after having been to tea with the Birdsof Paradise.
* * * * *
The Elephant was dying of starvation, and a kind-hearted personpresented him with an acidulated drop.
_Note._--It is well-nigh incredible that any Philosopher should be so ignorant of Natural History as to imagine that any Elephant would accept an acid drop, even if it was on its last legs for want of nutrition.
The conclusion of this anecdote would seem to be either lost, or unfit for publication.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
There was once a famous Violinist who serenaded his Mistress everyevening, performing the most divine melodies upon his instrument.
But all the while she was straining her ears to listen to a piano-organround the corner which was playing "Good-bye, Dolly Gray!"
* * * * *
The Performing Lioness kisses her Trainer on the mouth--but only inpublic.
* * * * *
The Candle complained bitterly of the unpleasantness of seeing so manyscorched moths in her vicinity.
* * * * *
"I have taken such a fancy to thee," said the Hawk genially to theField-Mouse, "that I am going to put thee into a really good thing."
And he opened his beak.
* * * * *
There are persons who have no sense of the fitness of things.
Like the Grasshopper, who insisted on putting the Snail up for theSkipping Club.
* * * * *
The Cat scratched the Dog's nose out of sheer playfulness--but she hadno time to explain.
* * * * *
"After all, it _is_ pleasant to be at home again!" said the Eagle'sfeathers on the shaft that pierced him.
But the Eagle's reply is not recorded.
_Note._--Poet Byron also mentions this incident.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
A certain Painter set himself to depict a lovely landscape. "See!" hecried, as he exhibited his canvas to a Passing Stranger, "doth not thismy picture resemble the scene with exactitude?"
"Since thou desirest to know," was the reply, "thou seemest to me tohave portrayed nothing but a manure heap!"
"And am _I_ to blame," exclaimed the indignant Painter, "if a manureheap chanced to be immediately in front of me?"
* * * * *
Before a Man marrieth a Woman he delighteth to describe unto her all hisdoings--even the most unimportant.
But, after marriage, he considereth that such talk may savour too muchof egotism.
_Note._-This is very very shallow. I have never experienced any such compunctiousness with my own wives.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"I shouldn't have minded so much," said the Bee, with some bitterness,just before breathing his last in the honey-pot, "only it happens to bemy own make!"
* * * * *
"Is the White Rabbit beautiful?" someone inquired of the Albino Rat.
"She might be passable enough," replied the Rat, "but for one mostdistressing deformity. She has pink eyes!"
* * * * *
When the Ass was asked about his Cousin the Zebra, he said: "Do notspeak about him--for he has disgraced us all. Never before has therebeen any eccentricity in _our_ family!"
* * * * *
The full-blown Sausage professeth to have forgotten the days of hispuppyhood.
* * * * *
"_Will_ you allow me to pass?" said the courteous Garden Roller to theSnail.
* * * * *
Had anyone met the Red Herring in the sea and foretold that he would oneday be pursued by Hounds across a difficult country, the Herring wouldhave accounted him but a vain babbler.
Yet so it fell out!
_Note._--I shrewdly suspect that my young friend has made the rather natural mistake of substituting the word "Red Herring" for "Flying Fish."
It is not absolutely incredible that one of the latter department should fly inland and be chased by Dogs--but even Piljosh should be aware that no Herring could pop off in such a way.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
An Officious Busybody, perceiving a Phoenix well alight, promptlyextinguished her by means of a convenient watering-pot.
* * * * *
"Had you refrained from this uncalled for interference," said the justlyirate Bird, "I should by this time be rising gloriously from myashes--instead of presenting the ridiculous appearance of a partiallyroasted Fowl!"
_Note._--I can offer no explanation of this allegory, except to remind the reader that the Phoenix is the notorious symbol for a fire insurance.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"Alas!" sighed the Learned Pig, while expiring from inflammation of thebrain, brought on by a laborious endeavour to ascertain the sum of twoand two, "Why, _why_ was I cursed with Intellect?"
* * * * *
"I shall know better another time!" gasped the Fish, as he lay in theLanding-net.
* * * * *
A certain Merchant sold a child a sharp sword. "Thou hast done wrong inthis," remonstrated a Sage, "since the child will assuredly wound eitherhimself or some other."
"_I_ shall not be responsible," cried the Merchant, "for, in selling thesword, I did recommend the child to protect the point with a cork!"
* * * * *
A certain grain of Millet fell out of a sack in which it was beingcarried into the City, and was soon trampled in the dust.
"I am lost!" cried the Millet-seed. "Yet I do not repine so much formyself as for those countless multitudes who, deprived of me, are nowdoomed to perish miserably of starvation!"
* * * * *
"I have given up dancing," said the Tongs, "for they no longer dancewith the Elegance and Grace that were universal in _my_ young days!"
* * * * *
"But for the Mercy of Providence," said the Fox, piously, to the Goosewhom he found in a trap that had been set for himself, "our respectivesituations might now be reversed!"
* * * * *
"She really sang quite nicely," remarked the Cuckoo, after she had beento hear the Nightingale one evening, "but it's a pity her range is sosadly limited!"
* * * * *
The Mendicant insisted on making his Will:
"But what hast _thou_ to leave when thou diest?" cried the Scribe.
"As much as the richest," he replied; "for when I die, I leave theentire World!"
_Note._--This is (if not incorrectly translated) a grotesque and puerile allegation. The veriest tyro is aware that when a Millionaire hops the twig of his existence, he leaves more behind him than a mere Mendicant!--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"Forgive me," said the Toad to the Swallow, "but, although you may notbe aware of it, you are flying on totally false principles!"
"Am I?" said the Swallow meekly. "I'm so sorry! Do you mind showing mehow _you_ do it?"
"I don't fly myself," said the Toad, with an air of superiority. "I'veother things to do--but I have thoroughly mastered the theory of theArt."
"Then teach _me_ the theory!" said the Swallow.
"Willingly," said the Toad; "my fee--to _you_--will be two worms alesson."
* * * * *
"I can't bear to think that no one will weep for me when I am gone!"said the sentimental Fly, as he flew into the eye of a Moneylender.
_Note.--Cf._ Poet Byron: "'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come!"--H. B. J.
* * * * *
A certain Cockatrice, feeling sociably inclined, entered a Mother'sMeeting, bent upon making himself agreeable--but was greatly mortifiedto find himself but coldly received.
"Women _are_ so particular about trifles!" he reflected bitterly. "Iknow I said 'Good Afternoon' with my mouth full--but, as I explained, Ihad just been lunching at the Infant School!"
* * * * *
"I want to be _useful!_" said the Silkworm, as she sat down and "set" asock for a Decayed Centipede.
* * * * *
A Traveller demanded hospitality from fourteen Kurds, who were occupyingone small tent.
"Enter freely," said the Kurds, "but we must warn thee that thou wiltfind the atmosphere exceedingly unpleasant--for, by some inadvertence,we have greased our boots from a jar of Attar of Roses!"
_Note._--Once more I do not entirely fathom the Fabulist's meaning--unless it is that such a valuable cosmetic as Attar of Roses may become so deteriorated as to offend even the nostril organ of a Kurd.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
A certain Basilisk having attained great success in petrifying all whocame under his personal observation, there was a Scheme set afoot topresent him with some Token of popular esteem and regard.
"If we give him _anything_" said the Fox, who was consulted as to theform of the proposed Testimonial, "I would suggest that it should takethe shape of a pair of Smoked Spectacles."
_Note._--The Satire here, at least, is obvious enough. Smoked spectacles are a very inexpensive gift.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"How truly the Poet sang that: 'we may rise on stepping-stones of ourdead selves to higher things!'" remarked the Chicken's Merrythought,when it found itself apotheosised into a Penwiper.
_Note._--A young lady, that shall be nameless, once presented me with a very similar penwipe, which represented a Church of England ecclesiastic in surplice and mortar-cap.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"I shall not have perished in vain!" gasped an altruistic Cockroach,immediately before expiring from an overdose of Insect Powder, "for,after this fatality, the Owners of the House will doubtless be morecareful how they leave such stuff about!"
_Note._--British Cockroaches, however, resemble Emperor Mithridates in being totally impervious to beetle poison.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
The Sheep was so exceedingly tough and old, that the Wolf had thoughtsof becoming a Vegetarian.
_Note._--When we see some person attaining Centenarian longevity, we are foolishly inclined to fancy that, by adopting their diet, we also are to become Methusalems!--H. B. J.
* * * * *
A certain Ant that had lost its All owing to the sudden collapse of theBank in which its savings were invested, applied to a Grasshopper for asmall temporary advance.
"I am sorry, dear boy," chirpily replied the Grasshopper, "that,although I am playing to big business every evening, I have not put by asingle grain. However, I will get up a _matinee_ for your benefit."
This he did with such success that, next winter, the Ant was once moresufficiently prosperous to discharge his obligation by offering theGrasshopper a letter to the Charity Organisation Society!
_Note._--The application of this is that a kind action is never really thrown away.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"I never feel quite myself till I've had a good bath!" said the Birdwhom an elderly Lady had purchased from a Street Boy as a Goldfinch.
And behold, when the Bird came out of its saucer of water, it was aSparrow!
_Note._--Like many Philosophers, Piljosh would seem to have had no great liking for ablutions. But water which could transform a Goldfinch into a Sparrow must previously have been enchanted by some Magician, so that our Parabolist's shaft misses fire in this instance (as indeed in many others!). Possibly, however, his Translator has once more proved a Traitor!--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"Pride not yourself upon your Lustre and Symmetry," said the JetEar-ring austerely to the Pearl, "for, after all, you owe your beauty tonothing but the morbid secretions of a Diseased Oyster!"
"I am sorry to spoil your moral," retorted the Pearl with much suavity,"but, like yourself, I happen to be Artificial."
_Note._--Inhabitants of glassy mansions should not indulge in lapidation.--H. B. J.
* * * * *
"Come!" said the Peacock's Feather proudly to the Fly-flapper and theTin Squeaker, as the final illumination flickered out and they lay inthe gutter together, limp and exhausted with their exertions in ticklingand generally exasperating inoffensive strangers. "They may say whatthey please--but at least we have shown them that the Spirit ofPatriotism is not yet extinct!"
_Note._--This must refer to some
Cryptic customs prevalent in the Parabolist's time. But I do not clearly apprehend what connection either tickling, fly-flapping, or squeaking can have with Patriotism!--H. B. J.
* * * * *
LAST WORDS
Here conclude the Parables of Piljosh, together with the present volume.That the former can possibly obtain honble mention when compared withthe apologues of Plato, AEsop, Corderius Nepos, or even Confucius, Icannot for a moment anticipate, and none can be more sensible than myhumble self how very poor a figure they cut in proximity to theproduction of my own pen!
However, indulgent critics will please not saddle my unoffending headwith the responsibility, the fact being that I was vehemently advisedthat, without some meretricious padding of this sort, my Romance wouldnot be of sufficient robustness to produce a boom.
But should "A Bayard from Bengal" unfortunately fail to render theThames combustible, I should rather attribute the cause to its havingbeen unwisely diluted with such milk and watery material as the Parablesof Piljosh.
So, leaving the decision to the impartial and unanimous verdict ofpopular approval, I subscribe myself,
The Reader's very obsequious and palpitating Servant,
HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A., etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
PRINTED BY TURNBULL AND SPEARS, EDINBURGH