by Shey Stahl
Lillian is quiet, and for a moment, I think maybe she butt-dialed me, and I just said all that shit to her ass. But then I hear the sigh and the light laughter. “Turn around and come back. He’s miserable.”
I brush tears from my cheeks. “What? Did he say anything?”
“He didn’t have to. He was quiet at work all day and then left early. That’s how I know something’s up with him.”
Barron left work early? That’s not like him.
“Are you going to come back? You didn’t even tell me goodbye.”
“I know.” I sob. “I’m sorry.” I look up at a passing road sign that says twenty-five miles to Austin. “Shit.”
“What?”
“I thought I was going east. I’m twenty-five miles from Austin.”
She laughs. “Turn around. Come back.”
I take the nearest exit and sit in silence at a closed gas station, still on the phone with Lillian.
I stare at my hands and miss the way they felt gripping Barron’s flannel and his kisses that tasted like Coors Light. I miss the way his presence lingers long after he’s left the room.
In hindsight, I knew what I did was wrong, deceitful even, but I didn’t regret meeting him. I wouldn’t, ever. But what did all this mean for me? Besides being homeless, jobless, and, loveless.
I spent years praying for freedom only to be given it and destroy it just as easily.
There had to be a place for me in this world where I felt like me. A place where your past didn’t follow you and your shitty decisions didn’t matter. Where you could find the gentleness of a man and have him love you for you. A home where firelight dances on your skin and everything else didn’t matter.
“Come home,” Lillian whispers into the line. “You belong here.”
She’s right. It’s then I realize my place was right there on that ranch.
I pull my journal out of my bag and flip to a new page.
If only I had known what was coming next.
Maybe then I wouldn’t have been so quick to leave.
-lost
Finally, closure.
BARRON
Monday morning, I’m miserable. What the fuck was I thinking letting her leave?
Uh, I wasn’t. What the fuck?
Why’d you let this happen? I’m talking to you. People. You should have smacked me upside the head and said damn it, suck up your goddamn pride
I hope you’re happy, you fucking dumbass.
And fuck you, Ray LaMontagne, and your song “I Was Born To Love You” because I don’t like that song, and I’d really like it if you’d stop playing it on the radio. That’s how being at work goes. We’re swamped with repairs, and I’m depressed, cursing out the radio.
“I hatin’ dis song,” Sev tells me, clanking wrenches together. “I’m hungry.”
I smile at her, leaning into my toolbox to scoop her up into my arms. “Let’s go see if Lillian has snacks.”
She wraps her arms around my neck. “Okay.”
Camdyn’s still mad at me over Kacy leaving so she stayed with Morgan today. Can’t say I blame her. Even I don’t want to be around me.
Inside the office, Lillian tosses an envelope on the counter in front of me. “FedEx dropped this off for you. And Jace left.”
I nod, not paying attention to the envelope, and hand Lillian my cell phone. “Answer this if it rings.”
“I’m hungry,” Sev tells Lillian, digging through her snack drawer she keeps for Sev. Okay, all of us.
“Why do I need to answer your phone? Is Kacy going to call?”
“No. I’m expecting a call from Earl, and I can’t hear it in the shop with all that noise.”
“Fine.” She sets my phone down on the desk.
“Don’t you dare call her, Lillian,” I warn.
“Why did you let her leave?”
“Because.”
“That’s not an answer.”
I glance down at Sev who’s eating a package of fruit snacks, uninterested in anything we’re talking about.
“You were falling in love and let her leave because you were scared.”
“I wasn’t falling in love. Stop talking to Morgan.” I stare down at the envelope knowing that’s a lie. I was falling for Kacy and it scared the shit out of me. Then I realize what she said. “Jace left? Where?”
“Not sure. Abi showed up in town the day after Christmas and now nobody has heard from either one of them.”
I snort. “He probably kidnapped her.”
“It’s romantic,” she gushes, batting her lashes at me.
I make a disgusted face. “No it’s not. He’s being stupid.”
Lillian rolls her eyes as Sev crawls off her lap and onto the floor to color. “Your heart is black. Open the envelope.”
I do and shake my head. It’s the divorce papers again. This time I turn to the exact page I know the parental rights is on.
And there it is. Full custody. She signed over her parental rights to the girls.
For him.
Fucking cunt.
There’s a sense of relief knowing that part of my life is closed, but one door is still very much open, and the wind is getting colder by the day.
I miss Kacy.
Sev hands me a drawing. “It for you.”
I glance at it. It’s a bunch of black scribbles. “What is it?”
“Yous black heart.”
Later that night as I’m getting the girls ready for bed, Camdyn senses my mood is off. It’s been off for the last three days, but it’s now when she chooses to finally say something. After spending the day with Morgan, she’s finally talking to me.
“What’s the matter, Daddy?”
I pull Camdyn into my arms, freshly bathed, hair braided, and with the firelight dancing on her cheeks. “Nothing. You should be in bed.”
She stares at me and then sighs, holding my face in her hands. “You weren’t finished, were you?”
I search her innocent eyes. “What?”
She brushes my hair back from my forehead like I do for her. “You weren’t finished loving Kacy yet. That why yous so sad.”
Perceptive, aren’t they?
When you think of a love story, you think of two things. When they met, and when they fell in love, am I right?
So when did I fall? I know it was after the sun went down.
Was it the night we met? That night in my truck in the snowstorm when she begged me not to stop? What about seven days later when I couldn’t let her go? What about that night by the fire, a week before Christmas when I knew without a doubt, she had a hold on me?
It wasn’t any of those in particular. It was all of them combined.
Kacy, she was like a mixed drink. Ounce of batshit crazy, splash of city, and mix that with no logic, too much determination, and top it with a pair of wild blue eyes, and you got a drink that goes down easy but packs a wicked hangover.
After I get the girls into bed, I lay on the couch watching the fire dwindle down and think of Kacy. Truth is, I haven’t stopped thinking about her since she drove away. And I’m not sure it’s going to stop anytime soon.
A perfect stranger crashing into our lives and invading our home. It should have been messy. It should have been awkward and uncomfortable. But it wasn’t. It was natural. Easy. Comfortable. Most of all, it was scary. Why would a perfect stranger want to stay with us when the one person who was biologically related and legally connected to us wouldn’t?
She left California to find herself and she deserves to have the chance.
It doesn’t stop me from wishing there was a small chance the life she was searching for was right here on this ranch, with me and my girls.
I think about calling her. Maybe check in. Make sure she’s not lost. Ask if she’s thinking of me. But I don’t. Instead, I grab that bottle of Southern Comfort and wallow in my pride.
Did you see this coming?
BARRON
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I jolt out
of bed, searching for the sound and wondering if Sev fell out of bed again.
Then I hear it again.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Dragging myself from my bed, I stand in the hallway, listening. That’s when I realize someone’s at the door. I don’t waste another second and stumble into the kitchen. Thinking it’s Morgan or another one of the ranch hands needing help, I open the door.
That’s when I see Kacy standing there. Crying. She doesn’t wait for me to say anything before she says, “I got to Austin and realized I was going in the wrong direction.”
“Um, yeah.” I laugh, nervously running my hand through my hair. My heart pounds, waiting on her words. Why is she here? Did she come back for us? “That’s south, Kacy. I thought you were heading east?”
“I thought I was, but I was crying so much I wasn’t paying attention to road sighs.” Kacy gazes up at me, her smile hopeful. “My engine is making noise.” And then she bites her lip, her eyes wet and shiny, waiting on what I’ll say next.
“What kind of noise?”
“A hum.”
My lips quirk, but I don’t give her any insight into my thoughts. I hold them hostage for longer than she wants.
“And it might be overheating,” she adds, blinking rapidly, as if she needs to add more to get me to let her inside.
Heat rushes through me as I yank her inside the house. “I’ll fix it,” I rush to say. “It’ll take me a while though.”
She pushes back against me, her eyes frantic. “I know you said—”
“Fuck what I said,” I growl, pulling her into my chest, desperate for the connection.
“Oh, thank God!” She sags into me, and I spin away from the brutal cold outside. She places her hands on the back of my head. “Now what?”
My fingers dig into her back, my heart pounding. I kiss her, my tongue sliding against hers. This is what happens next. We don’t need words. I drag her to my bed, lock the door, and lay her on the bed. She laughs against my mouth as I slide my sweatpants down and her leggings off. She discards her sweatshirt, well, mine. “Did you take my shirt?”
She grins. “I also stole a pair of sweatpants and a flannel.”
“You’re a little thief.”
“No, you are,” she whispers, unclasping her bra and tossing it aside. “You stole my heart.”
“We’re even then, because you’re holding mine hostage.” I take my cock in my hand, sliding it against her clit.
It touches her clit ring, and she moans into the space between us, her breath hitting my face. “I missed you.”
I slide inside her, in and out, a perfect rhythm set by our frantic need for one another.
Her head hits my pillow, her eyes closed when her breath hitches. “I love you, Barron.”
It’s such an overwhelming feeling to hear those words again and knowing they hold so much more weight than they did the first time I heard a girl say it.
The pressure builds inside me, and we find our release together, slowly. Still above her, I tuck her hair behind her ear, pressing a kiss to her forehead as I mumble the words, “I love you,” and mean them. I don’t know how it happened so fast, or why, but I fell.
“What time do the girls get up?” Kacy asks, pacing the kitchen with a cup of coffee in hand.
“Soon.” I smirk, knowing why she’s asking. “You can go wake them up. I’m sure they’ll be excited to see you.”
Her eyes lock on mine. “Oh, thank God.” She sighs, setting her cup down.
She rushes around the corner and down the hall. It takes less than thirty seconds before I hear the girls screaming, “Kacy!”
Sev is the first to come out of their room, smiling, her blanket in one arm and her spell book in the other. Tossing both on the couch next to me, she crawls up on my lap.
“Hey, little girl,” I whisper, kissing her forehead.
“They’s makin’ my head hurt,” she tells me, rolling her eyes.
“Are you happy Kacy’s back?”
She looks up at me, her smile a little brighter. “I likes my mom.”
I don’t correct her, and I know I should, but all I can think is, me too, kid. Me too.
I… found peace.
KACY
My experience with New Year’s Eve has always been fancy parties, uncomfortable dresses that make you itch everywhere, and never kissed at midnight. I take that back. I was kissed by a girl when I was seventeen on New Year’s Eve. She wasn’t wearing cherry Chapstick, and I did not enjoy it. Katy Perry was wrong.
But this New Year’s Eve, I’m staring at a fifty-foot-tall bonfire, had my first s’more, and drinking straight whiskey from a Yeti cup wearing a flannel. It’s perfection if you ask me.
Morgan and Lillian are sitting next to one another on the back of a tailgate, sharing not tequila from a flask and kissing. It’s nice to see her happy with him.
With country music playing and the girls dancing at our feet, sparklers in hand, I lean into Barron, who’s next to me on a makeshift bench out of a tree stump. He smells like smoke and leather, and his kisses taste like memories in the making. I look down at my cup. “Yeti cups are like, indestructible. Cool as shit. I feel like someone could shoot me, and I could hold up this Yeti cup and block that bitch. And they’d be like, whoa, she’s Wonder Woman. What the F? And I’d be like, nah, it’s my Yeti.”
Barron’s shoulders shake with laughter as he hugs me to his side. “I’m glad your back.”
“Missed me?”
“I did.” He shifts, reaching to adjust Camdyn’s hat that keeps falling off her head. I love that no matter what’s happening, he’s always focused on the girls. Always aware.
I curl my arm into his, refusing to allow space between us. “I might have missed you more.”
He pulls back, smiling at me, his expression hopeful. “Does this mean you’re staying?”
I don’t even know how to answer it.
My eyes drift over the sparkly frosted field filled with smoke. The moon hangs over the water, the wind slapping our faces as usual, but it’s the one waiting on my words that shines brighter than the stars in the sky above us. Twisting toward him, I touch the side of his face, his jaw, his distinct cheekbones, and smile. He watches me carefully, unsure what this means having me here. We haven’t talked about it yet. “I think a new year deserves a new beginning. And I want to love you in all the ways you believed you were not good enough for. Because you are.”
He swallows, his eyes searching mine, his voice soft like his touch when he takes my hand in his. He looks different than the day I left. I can’t explain it, but it’s there. Happiness. The way he watches me, I feel beautiful and... enough. Leaning in, his breath hits my face when he says, “You did that already by coming back.”
Camdyn and Sev distract us with sparklers. “Sev,” Barron groans. “Don’t point that at your sister.”
This isn’t the first time we’ve had to warn her about this. I’m impressed no one has been burned yet.
While Morgan lights off fireworks, Barron draws me into his chest. “If you stay now, I’m going to marry you someday.”
I smile softly, looking up at him. “If I stay, I want more babies from you.”
I wonder if he’s going to catch onto the way I said more babies. His lips quirk into a smile, drifting to the girls and then back to mine. “Sev really wants a brother.”
“Uh, yeah. I was in the bathroom the other day and she asked for my pee.”
He laughs. “Jesus Christ.”
“Where we’re heading, I think he might approve this time,” I say, winking at him.
And for the first time, I’m kissed at midnight, and by a cowboy who helped me find where I belonged.
“Why can’t you just say ‘Happy New Year’ like normal people?”
“It’s tradition,” they tell me.
Tradition my ass. I nervously bite my lip. They want me to jump into the frozen pond naked. “I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation. I don’
t like the cold.” My eyes drift to the water. “I’ve tolerated it since being here, but I’m a warm-weather girl. I am not getting in that pond naked for a year of good luck. My nipple rings will freeze to my tits.”
“I knew you had nipple rings.” Morgan looks up, smiling, his cowboy hat still on but he’s buck-ass naked. I haven’t looked. I swear. Do you believe me?
Didn’t think so. Let’s just say the Grady brothers have it going on in the south.
“Don’t look at her tits,” Barron snaps, tossing his boot at his brother and then falling to the ground.
“If I’m doing it, so are you,” Lillian screams, jumping from foot to foot, trying to will warmth into her body. She’s naked too. I can vaguely make out her skinny white ass in the darkness enveloping the frosty field.
They’re taking their clothes off and I look like the insane one for being dressed.
“It brings good luck,” Barron tells me, stripping down. Fuck. He tosses his shirt at my head, grinning. Luckily, Bishop and Lara Lynn took the girls back to their place so they’re not seeing their dad naked. “Come on, darlin’.” He steps closer and licks his lips, his eyes narrowing in on mine. “Strip.”
I can’t resist him when he talks like that and he knows that Southern drawl in a weapon. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I shriek, removing my jacket, shirt, jeans, all of it landing in a pile next to Barron’s.
Barron reaches for my hand. “To new beginnings,” he says, so quietly I almost don’t hear him. It’s all the encouragement I need though.
Our eyes hold in the darkness. “To new beginnings.” And then we plunge into the frigid waters of the pond. I swear, my life flashes before my eyes the second I’m in the water. “Holy mother of coldness!” I scream.
“Motherfucker!” Lillian yells.